18
April

Kind of a Regular Thing For Us

For the past few months, I have had weekly Seeking Safety therapy sessions. Or, at least, I am supposed to. They are actually about once every month or once every three weeks. It’s uncommon that we end up having two in a row. Three in a row? Unless I’ve forgotten some sessions, that hasn’t happened yet.

I understand why it happens. Sometimes I’m actually even grateful that it happens because it is such an emotionally draining experience. Still, it’s frustrating that it happens so much. I know that even if I don’t want to go to therapy regularly that I need to go to it. And this is the one group that I typically feel I can express myself more openly in.

Yesterday, it was cancelled. The week before? Yep. That one was cancelled, too.

I know that the therapist sometimes will be sick or have something come up. I also know that we can only come when we have enough people. I know that this is difficult when there are so few people in the group to begin with. And I know that part of what makes me comfortable about the group is knowing that it will never be a big one.

I’m afraid that the infrequence will start making me less comfortable.

First of all, I don’t leave my house most days. I don’t even go out the front door. I need to do that. This group is one of the few times that I will allow myself to do that. With it not happening, I find that I’m becoming more and more accepting of isolation. This group is supposed to help me get out of the isolating patterns, not reinforce them.

My second issue is that I wonder if the infrequence will somehow train my brain to not trust these people as much. I don’t see them as often as I should be seeing them, so should I really trust them with the kind of details that come out in this type of group? Can I trust them? Can I feel comfortable near them?

The big thing is that it makes me wonder if I can actually rely on the therapist. I’ve had therapists bail on me before. The lack of meetings makes me feel like she’s sort of bailing on the group. I know that some things are beyond her control, but I can’t help but feel that this is a type of bailing/abandonment. I doubt that the other people feel that way because I’m the only one with this particular bent.

I just really hope that we stop having these weeks off soon.

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18
April

Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw (Less Of)

My scars from having shingles are becoming less and less visible, which is good. The only one that doesn’t seem to be less visible is the huge one that’s in the edge of my armpit. It’s bad that they’ve become yet another body issue for me to be self-conscious about. (In addition to the oddly-shaped nose, pointy chin, thin lips, and, of course, being fat.)

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18
April

Selfie while I’m waiting for my hair to dry

via Instagram http://ift.tt/1qVyu32

I let it dry naturally, but that means that I have to wait at least a couple of hours for it to get dry. If I decide I want to take a selfie during that time, then it means my hair will be wet for the picture.

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18
April

Snoring next to my ear

via Instagram http://ift.tt/1gOGlwr

I think Amy thinks snoring next to my ear will convince me to go to sleep.

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18
April

Quote of the Day :: April 18, 2014

Quote of the Day :: April 18, 2014

via Tumblr http://ift.tt/1mbKttV

Since this month’s theme for quotes of the day is to raise awareness of April being SAAM, or Sexual Assault Awareness Month, this quote may seem like it has absolutely nothing to do with sexual assault. Well, it does. Sexual assault is a form of oppression. It is a way to degrade its victims and to make the abuser/rapist feel more powerful. It gives the violator power, while taking it from the violated. That is an essential part of any type of oppression, so sexual assault, sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, etc. is a type of oppression.

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17
April

Amy must be feeling better

via Instagram http://ift.tt/1hRjHEs

Amy must be feeling better. She was very sick earlier this week.1 When I went to take this picture, she turned her face so that I couldn’t get the picture of her chewing on her beloved bone.

Oh, and this is a special appearance by my foot.


  1. She woke up the other morning and threw up fifteen times. The last time she threw up had blood in it. The doctor gave her some nausea medicine and Carafate. 

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17
April

Throwback Thursday: Still one of my favorite pics ever.

via Instagram http://ift.tt/1r3tIyM

I was either three or four in this picture. I know that when I was three I had short hair and long hair when I was four, so I’m going to guess that this was when I was 3. I could be wrong. Some people might go by height, but I was always tall for my age. Anyway, it was taken at Easter one year and it is one of my most attitude-filled pictures from my childhood.

Ashley was right when she said that, in it, I look a bit like Amelia Pond, the superhero of a character, not the superhero of a dachshund. Ashley has a tendency to be right about things. ;)

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