A Conspiracy of Ants

If you considering seven years a long time, then I’ve been using Twitter for a long time. Even if you don’t, that’s longer than most people have been on the site. It’s probably longer than the user @AdmForrestal has been using it, but he’s brought the weirdness in a major way. I would applaud his weirdness or laugh at it if it wasn’t so ridiculous and, to some degree, frightening. This racist human being1 has decided that I defend the opinions that I have so vehemently because I’m working for someone. That’s right. I have a particular opinion because I’m a shill for some company or government agency. Yes, just what any contrarian would do with their life: conform to a particular idea to make money. Because contrarians are all about the Benjamins and not about the whole thinking-for-themselves thing. Uh-huh.

But really this guy claimed I’m a shill.

And why did he do this?

Because he’s nuts. No, I shouldn’t say that, especially since I would chide anyone else who promoted stigma when they were encountering someone who behaved in a difficult manner. His reason was that he believed that I lied about my experiences in hospital emergency rooms. He said that patients don’t get visitors until they’ve been stabilized. That’s not always true. One of my examples of that not being true was back in July of 2012 when a mound of fire ants decided to make me their bitch. I was at the park with my mom and my dad waiting between doctor appointments. We sat under a shady tree because it was hot as hell outside and we happened to sit next to a fire ant mound. We didn’t know that my predisposed-to-atopy2 body had decided that fire ants were just so out of style and that it wanted nothing more to do with them, so it just had to respond with anaphylaxis. Clearly, no other reaction would have been appropriate for that situation.

My parents, as witnesses to my fall and the first people that I mentioned the ant bites to,3 were essential to my care that day and to keeping me alive. They were the ones who told the doctors about my medical history. And they were the ones who eventually told the doctors about the ant bites. Before that happened, they thought that my fall and my two fainting spells were a result of the heat4.

But the fainting, the hospital visit, and everything associated with that day was all clearly a part of a conspiracy to upset @AdmForrestal.

When I mentioned before I “fainted” that we were hanging out at the Park, I was clearly just setting up this ruse.

geese are scary

The geese in the picture included with that tweet were clearly provided by PETA and were part of a liberal media conspiracy to upset this one random Twitter user over three years later.

geese are still scary--the original caption was More lazy geese

The original caption for that faked picture was “More lazy geese”, which, again, was all part of my clearly faked fall. No one in their right mind would ever insult geese by calling them lazy.5

My first tweet from the ER? Clearly, it was also a big old hoax.

I know absolutely nothing about having anaphylaxis.

Obviously, I’ve never ever talked about being a hard stick over the last almost 15 years of having this website. And I’ve never mentioned that I have tachycardia. Those were all totally new occurrences and haven’t happened since. Except on that one day. That’s how you can totally tell that I’m a shill. Because that isn’t an ongoing issue for me.

If I did know anything about anaphylaxis, I would have vomited instead of just fainting, having my heart rate go up, developing hives, and being extremely dizzy. And my life wouldn’t have been in danger even when my parents were in the room with me.

And when I mentioned that I hadn’t been tweeting during the rest of my visit? Clearly, that was me covering my ass. I must have needed some time to come up with the whole story.

When I talked that night about how hard my father took the trip, I was obviously continuing the hoax. When he had to be hospitalized the next day for stress that included that ER visit, I was also continuing the ruse on this poor Twitter user that I wouldn’t talk to for another three years.

When I talked about the people who helped me after I fainted, I must have been making that up, too.

I mentioned two random schools in Huntsville in my shout-out for shits and giggles. I even lied about how disoriented I was after the falls, which was why I kept getting up. I thought I would be okay if I could just get to the car. I didn’t realize that I was going to fall if I moved or that my heart was going nuts or that my body was not operating properly because it was overreacting6 to the ant bites.

There I go, sounding like this all really happened again. Sorry.

the left knee...can't see where the foot is discolored on the pictureUh-oh, another picture that I must have faked. It had the caption, “the left knee…can’t see where the foot is discolored on the picture” because I needed to emphasize that I had actual injuries from a hoax of a fall. That’s also why I still have horrible scarring on both of my knees–the right one is worse than the left and the new scarring covering a gash from where I fell under a merry-go-round at a different park in the city and had my knee sliced open. Oops. That was probably made up, too. Because I don’t ever scar. Ever. That’s a special perk of being a shill.

Here‘s another faked picture of the damage of my “allergy” with the also faked caption of “my right knee…aka the gross one”:

my right knee

When I mentioned that the paramedic used faceplanted, I was clearly lying.

I definitely never provided picture evidence of a head injury.

my facial contusion

And when I documented my mom and I trying to get me in to see a doctor the next day?7 Lies.

I probably lied about having anemia, too. You know, just to upset some random right-wing guy on the internet. And since I had shingles diagnosed at one of my infusions in 2013 for the anemia, then I obviously never had shingles, which is why I don’t really have that gnarly scar that has shown up in pictures of me since then.

Blood clots were definitely not a worry for me, since I obviously didn’t hit my head on the concrete. No pictures of my head injury have ever been shared, even earlier in this post. And why would I need Doxycycline? Fire ants never present with pustules.8 I probably made up my multiple antibiotic allergies just to upset this one dude.

And, of course, THAT NEVER HAPPENED. It was just a well-timed tweet by my obviously devious mind.

And tweets since then that have mentioned my allergy to ants and newly-established fear of them? All lies to upset this guy who I never talked to until just a few hours ago.

In that one, I obviously wasted money on generic Benadryl because I was faking new ant bites.

It was all fake. My allergy. My health issues. All of it.

Today’s blog entry is brought to you by the concept of….

sarcasm, obviously



This guy also thinks that he can explain away mental illness as being a problem with the soul and evil910 and all kinds of stigmatized bullshit that even most outright religious weirdos have disavowed. Quite frankly, I should be embarrassed at how much time I spent playing with this particular trolling ignoramus, but I did have a little fun, plus I got to write a very sarcastic blog entry, which is always a special treat.

So, @AdmForrestal, I understand that your conspiracies are a result of a need for safety & for human companionship and that they give your explanations for things you don’t understand, but they’re actually making you more upset. Anxiety drives some people to develop or accept conspiracy theories, but the ones you have are unhealthy for you and those around you, so you need to step away from them and into reality.11

Welcome to reality, dude.

This is where the fun12 is at.

Oh, and lose the racism & Holocaust denying. That much hate really doesn’t look good on anyone.

  1. I’m assuming 

  2. Allergies. 

  3. I didn’t mention them before because I thought they were unimportant. 

  4. It was 93.9°F that day and very humid. 

  5. The shirt my dad is wearing in that picture is the same shirt he wore today, which is technically yesterday now. 

  6. That’s what an allergy is. 

  7. Something that the doctors in the ER said I needed to do

  8. They’re typically sterile, but they had to make sure that I didn’t develop some horrible skin infection that killed me. 



  11. And that’s a reality where patients are often accompanied by their families or their friends while in the ER and before they are fully stabilized. 

  12. By fun, I mean sarcasm, because it’s so awesome. 

Oy with the doctors already 

I have an appointment. Not with the grumbly clinic because, obviously, making needed appointments is not something that they’re willing to do. And not with doctors who actually specialize in women’s health care. No, I have an appointment with my family doctor’s office. Yeah, the same people who prescribe medicines I’m allergic to & don’t know the inside of the knee from the outside of the knee will be handling my care. Or they will until they close their office.1 At least the resident I’m assigned to in family practice is a really nice person. That makes the whole knee incident slightly more funny than frightening.

It’s all exciting, right?

The appointment came after calling three options Humana gave that were supposed to take it & my Medicaid. Two of those wouldn’t take my Medicaid. One took neither. My concerns that Humana would recommend an in-network gynecologist who isn’t actually in-network was totally justified. Let’s just say this isn’t the first time that has happened.2

let's move on

Oh, and the grumbly clinic responded after my last email with:

I did misunderstand. I apologize. Due to the closing of the clinic, we are not making any new appointments (I confirmed with nurse manager about this). Given that you and I have never met, I am not comfortable switching treatment without a full consultation visit. We will put a letter in the mail to you listing all the gynecologists taking that are accepting new patients.

Yay. An unnecessary piece of mail coming from a doctor’s office that doesn’t want to do their jobs anymore because they’re quietly closing their practice.3 I guess I should be thankful that they’d put forth some effort, but I can’t really find it in me to cheer them on for doing the bare minimum. I guess I’m petty like that.

good work team

This whole thing has just been a suck-fest…and not the good kind of suck-fest.

  1. Let’s face it. If one specialty closes, they may all close. 

  2. If I counted up every time it has happened within my own family, we’d easily be over the half a dozen mark. If I counted every time a doctor’s office was shocked that they were listed as in-network, that would also go over half a dozen times. Some were once in-network, while some never have been. 

  3. Google it. There are no mentions that they are closing up shop of a clinic that mainly services poor, disabled, and minority patients. That bugs me. 

Are You Daft?

My hope was short-lived.

I reviewed your chart with Dr. Light and the front desk. We confirmed that your insurance would not cover the visit, however, we are willing to call in the depo (prior research showed that Huntsville Hospital pharmacy carries it the cheapest in town) but that you would likely have to pay for the depo out of pocket as well. You could bring the depo prescription in to us when your period starts, and that way you’d only be seen as a “nurse visit” for administration of the depo only (cheaper than office visit).
I hope this is a satisfactory alternative for you.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I didn’t want to be on the Depo any more. I don’t ever want to take the Depo again. How did they think that’s what I wanted, when in the last email, I specifically told the doctor, I was going off Depo, which was due that week, because of the risk of bone loss. I have Ehlers-Danlos, a Vitamin D deficiency, and family history of osteopenia, so I wanted to avoid bone loss.” Going off the Depo had been mentioned in my need for the appointment and in other communications, including one to this doctor, back in September, where I said, “I would also like to change from Depo to the minipill because I’m worried about bone loss.”

I know that I’m not always the best at communicating, but I think I’ve been pretty clear about not wanting to ever have another Depo shot.

It’s not a satisfactory alternative because it’s not what I was asking for at all. I’ve already been on the depo for a year, have received the shots from you guys every ten weeks until the last one, and wanted to go off of it because of the bone loss concerns–vitamin d deficiency, Ehlers-Danlos, and a family history of osteopenia. I wanted to go on the mini-pill because it still offers the progesterone, but doesn’t have a risk of bone loss. After the September incident, I waited until October, like I was told, to schedule the annual exam so that I could get the prescription for that. Is there any way that I can have my annual and get that prescription instead of the depo that I do not want to take?

I get the feeling that I won’t get the appointment or the prescription, but I’m not going down without a fight on this whole thing. I’m sick of being given the run-around. This is a relatively simple exam. You stick the speculum in, then the spatula, then the brush. Not hard.1 And writing a prescription doesn’t take long at all. Why is this so fucking difficult for them to do?

Right now, I’m considering going off the Humana completely & going back to Medicare/Medicaid so that I can find a gynecologist who will do my stupid pap smear and write me this prescription. I don’t understand why this has to be so difficult. I don’t understand why every interaction with these people seems to end with me either in tears or foolishly expecting for them to actually do their jobs before finding out that they don’t intend to do them.

  1. I’m flexible enough that I could probably do it myself. 

Because Reasons 

When I was first told my meniscus was torn, I wasn’t sure which one: the lateral or the medial. I knew the lateral one was closer to where the worst pain was, but I know that pain doesn’t always correspond with the problem area. At my latest physical therapy reevaluation, I found out which was torn. Erin said it was definitely my lateral. 

It took all of two seconds max for her to find the tear.1 It took the same length of time for me to almost jump off the mat while screaming profanities & threatening to go all Liam Neeson2 on her. Not to worry. I didn’t actually do that. 

Notice how I said almost

I did tell her it hurt when she was testing me, which is major progress for me.3 Anyway, even though I was “graduating”4 from physical therapy…again, she was glad I was going back in to see the orthopedist on the 16th. All of the physical therapists have expressed that sentiment. In fact, after I find out whether I’ll be having surgery, getting an injection, or coming back to continue my never-ending therapy with them, I’m supposed to let them know what the doctor says.5


  1. The test causes it to make a palpable pop. 

  2. From his role in the Taken franchise, not Schindler’s List or Love Actually. 

  3. Snaps for me. 

  4. Every time you finish, they gather the therapists, hum “Pomp & Circumstance”, and hand you a lovely tee shirt that advertises their services. You’re probably thinking that that’s so sweet–and it is, unless you have severe anxiety issues. In that case, you want to hide under the mats until everyone leaves because being the center of attention is enough to make you want to scream, cry, or vomit–or all three if you’re especially blessed.  

  5. Their concern is sweet. 

The No-Show That Wasn’t

Well, I may get to see the doctor after all.

I got a response late Friday afternoon to my complaints over the scheduling (or lack thereof) of my annual exam. It was from one of the attending physicians in the OB/GYN clinic at UAB’s Huntsville offices. It sounds like I will probably get to have the exam and may get the prescription for the mini-pill after waiting over a month.

I am unsure of what you have experienced with the scheduling. Can you clarify for me what date you were in the office and were told that you could not be seen? I notice a cancelled appointment 9/22/15 with a no-show appointment two days later on a Thursday. I apologize if you perceived the interaction as rude, and I will address the situation accordingly, but I will need specifics of the encounter. Our clinical days are limited, and I won’t be back in the office to respond to an email until Monday, but if you call our front desk, I’m sure they can work with you to get you seen in the office.

So I explained what happened back in September. I tried to do it as calmly as possible because I know that if I sound angry that I won’t be taken seriously.

The day that I came in the office & was told I couldn’t be seen was actually the Thursday no-show. I showed up for the appointment and, as I was signing in, was told that my insurance wouldn’t cover the visit, so I could either pay $90 to have a birth control consultation or wait a month. I was then told that someone had already left a message that my appointment was cancelled, which was untrue. I tried explaining how I needed the medicine and asking if I could appeal the decision or do something so that I could still go through with the appointment. Again I was told that, unless I paid the $90, I couldn’t see a doctor that day. That is a lot of money, especially when you’re on a fixed income, so I had no real choice. (I was going off Depo, which was due that week, because of the risk of bone loss. I have Ehlers-Danlos, a Vitamin D deficiency, and family history of osteopenia, so I wanted to avoid bone loss.) I left in tears & have been worrying about my anemia since then.

I was somewhat surprised that they had marked that appointment as a no-show. I don’t know why I would be as I’ve seen updates to my Electronic Medical Record at UAB’s Huntsville clinics where they’ve falsified results.1 I’ve wondered, since the day in September, why they didn’t go ahead and schedule my annual when I was in the office. It seems like they could have, if they intended for me to come back. And that had me wondering if the reception staff at the clinic wasn’t planning on seeing me again. Does that sound paranoid or delusional or something? Because I sort of feel like their behavior has made me feel a little more paranoid or, at least, more anxious.

Anyway, like I said, I’m hopeful I will get my exam and that I will get to go on the much-needed medication asap. This whole situation has been frustrating and tiring. It would be nice for it to resolve already. I’m still waiting to hear back from the customer service people at the insurance company to find out if there are other gynecologists in town that are in network. Knowing their reputation, I would doubt there are. Maybe they’ll prove me wrong.

  1. With my strep tests, one went in and changed the ordering physician from the doctor who saw me at that appointment to the one who had seen me the time before–who hadn’t ordered the test at all. If you’re going to falsify data, you might want to make sure you turn patient notifications off. 

I Need That Appointment

After getting the notice that UAB was closing their OB/GYN office in Huntsville, I sent a request for a first available appointment for an annual exam. You know, the exam that I was I could schedule in October…when they cancelled my birth control consultation without informing me and told me that I could either pay them $90 that I didn’t have if I wanted to get my birth control that day or schedule an appointment for an annual in October and get it then.

Obviously, I should have fucked up my finances even more and paid for the $90 appointment because I got this response to my request:

Unfortunately we are no longer scheduling annuals due to the closure of our office next month. Your last one was 10/14/15 so you can have one at any time. I show you have Human insurance and MC. You should contact Human for a list of preferred providers. Once you find a new Dr you will need to sign a release form for your records. Feel free to call if you have any questions

Needless to say, I was not amused. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that I was pretty pissed off, so I fired off this response:

I understand your office is closing, but this appointment is important and time-sensitive.

I went off the Depo, then was rudely told my birth control consultation appointment was cancelled when I arrived for said appointment, and was told that day that I would need to wait until my annual exam at your office to get the birth control prescription. Now you’re refusing to schedule the exam?

This birth control prescription is to keep my anemia in check and prevent me from having to undergo infusions. I’ve already had some bleeding because it has been so long since I had my last Depo. And I’ve already started having early signs of the anemia popping up.

If I am even able to find a local doctor that takes the Humana & the Medicaid, it will probably be 2 months for me to get in, so I would appreciate you making an exception in this case…especially since part of this predicament is on you guys in the first place.

Yes, it’s manipulative.

Yes, it’s abrasive.

Yes, all of that was necessary.

The reality of their office closing on short notice is that it’s putting lives in danger. I know that they still have pregnant patients that they need to see, but they also have cases like mine where birth control is a life-saving medication and they have people who may have diagnoses of cancer delayed by months because they had to transfer their care to another doctor. I am so sick of doctors and their employees acting like routine appointments are unimportant. They may not seem to be important to some patients, but they are actually very important for others.1

And it will take a while to find a doctor who takes my insurances. It always does. Right now, I can’t even get the physician finder on Humana’s website to work. Once it starts to work, I can’t even guarantee that who they list will even taken the insurance.2 What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to let my health get worse? Am I supposed to just pretend like all of this bullshit, douchenuggetry, and dumbfuckery is acceptable? Fuck that. This is my life that they are messing with and they don’t have a right to jeopardize it. I shouldn’t have to sit here and wonder if I’m actually going to get medicine that I need in time to avoid infusions. I shouldn’t have to worry that lately I’ve been cold on hot days and that I’ve been paler than usual. But this is what I have to worry about when medical offices and insurance companies decide to make arbitrary decisions that endanger my life.

I know that neither the office nor the insurance company are intending to harm patients by making these decisions, but that is what is happening/can happen when they cut off proper healthcare.

  1. Actually, they’re very important for all of them. 

  2. Humana has a tendency to list people who don’t accept their plans and not list ones who do.