I was going to call the hematologist today & chickened out. I think I may be putting it off because I’m afraid of moving up the infusions. They actually do kinda scare me—well, the killer headache aspect. But I know I need to go through with them.  I also need to get my hip checked out, which I’ve been saying for months. I don’t know if that would involve going to just the family doctor or the family doctor plus physical therapy and/or an orthopedist. I don’t even know if I would be seeing the same orthopedist. And I don’t know if anything could really be done. It’s either a subluxation or tendinitis. Treatment for either would probably suck, and, until I get the anemia situation under control, I don’t really have the energy to deal with it.  Dad got a letter from the neurologist saying his MRI was normal. To him, that means nothing is wrong and this is all normal age-related stuff.1 But he doesn’t understand that a person can have a 100% normal MRI & still have dementia—even though he and I have gone over that. This week. I don’t know if he has forgotten it or is in denial. I know he doesn’t want the diagnosis to be real, none of us do, but the family doctor and the psychiatrist have both said all signs point to dementia. But we have to accept it because there is nothing that can change that fact.  And since it’s October I’ve started worrying about other things. Ridiculous things. Like that now that Nana is no longer living on her own, and is in the nursing home, do my parents & I have a place to go on Thanksgiving & Christmas? Or do those become just another day for us. I mean technically Christmas has been that way for years—when you don’t have presents & don’t put up decorations, holidays kinda lose their magic. But I don’t know what will happen this year, if my aunt will host, if we’re invited if she does, if we’re going to the nursing home that day, if I try to get everyone in my house to stay awake long enough to watch parades or anything. I just don’t know.  And it’s stupid that I cry about that a lot lately. But I just want one or two good, non-stressful days. I want life to make some kind of sense again.  I just feel lost.  His EEG and Doppler were yesterday and may take a few more days to get results. ↩

Chicken Janet   Recently updated!

Dad had his MRI about twelve hours ago. His other dementia-related tests are next week. I guess this was his first MRI because he had to tell me all about the machine. He asked if I’d ever had one,1 which threw me since he’s driven me to most (if not all) the ones I’ve had.2 But I guess I have to get used to that. He might remember them fine tomorrow or next week. I never really know what he will remember or when he will remember it.  He and mom also had to stop by Legal Aid to get help with another attempt at a garnishment by Bank of America of their Wells Fargo account. This time by the wonderful lawyers at Spina and LaVelle. I guess they don’t realize that it’s still against the law to garnish Social Security payments. Also, they left the writ in the mailbox (in an unmarked, unstamped, unmailed envelope)—which breaks a few federal laws. I don’t think the judge will be pleased with them.  I know I’ve had at least four. I think I’ve had five or six. ↩Since I can’t remember, I guess I shouldn’t judge. ↩

What’s In Your Head

Button Up: Trump, Consent, and Culture Donald Trump’s ridiculous claim that all polls show he won second debate with Hillary Clinton False: Ted Cruz claim that Hillary Clinton backs ‘unlimited abortion’ to moment of birth From Now On, Anal Fissures Will be Known as Trumps A Few Quick Questions for OkCupid’s Moderators If you care about the environment at all, why are you voting for Jill Stein in a swing state? I’m Afraid I’m Going to Have to Cancel Men Michelle Obama delivers the most powerful indictment yet of Trump’s misogyny An Open Letter to My Mother, Who “Might” Vote for Donald Trump Trump suggests women speaking out are too ugly for him to sexually assault Trump vs the GOP Understanding How the Manosphere Views Women Why the Green Party Has Destroyed Itself with Jill Stein Yom Kippur, Donald Trump, and Apologizing Like You Really Mean It

Seriously, this year has been so unpleasant, and not just because Donald Trump is running for President. With Nana going in the hospital, then the nursing home, dad’s health decline, everyone dying (Connie, Jay, Andrea, Joey), my depression coming out to play, the anemia rearing its ugly head, etc., it’s just been quite yucky.1 But it’s had decent moments. I almost had a paid article on xoJane, which encouraged me to submit more pitches & to start entering my poetry in literary magazines. That hasn’t resulted in any publications yet, but I just started. Besides, I know that most writers get a lot of rejections before they get their first acceptance. My time will come.  I’m sorry I haven’t been writing more. I just feel like shit a lot of the time lately. And it’s hard to encourage yourself to talk about how you feel like shit when you’re feeling that way. I also have started feeling like I’m too self-centered and don’t really give enough attention to the people I care about. I will try to do better.  Sometimes the most childish word is the best. ↩

Ready for This Year to Be Over

Local news showed a story about the Madison County GOP’s pre-Presidential election meeting. At the very end of it, one of the speakers can be heard saying that he wants to “whip” Hillary Clinton. It may have been an innocent comment, but it’s still odd to say you want to physically accost the opposing candidate. That’s especially true when the candidate is a woman and in a culture that one beat women into submission–and not for kinky fun times.

Madison County GOP wants to whip Hillary Clinton

I set up new crowd-funding pages to raise money for home repairs and replacing my dad’s car. We’ll be getting some money from selling my grandmother’s house, so we’ll be able to cover some of the costs with that. I actually set up fundraising pages on three different sites (GiveForward, GoFundMe, YouCaring) because I know some people either don’t have accounts on those sites or they are boycotting them; and if you would rather just go through PayPal or Square, those options are also available. I just thought giving people more options might help raise the money faster, which will speed up the ability to get the repairs done, replace dad’s car, and get insurance on our house again. So far I’ve raised $20 which will definitely help. And I’m incredibly grateful for that donation. This is the description/explanation that I put up on the pages: My parents and I are on disability, which puts us on a very fixed income. Unfortunately, that fixed income makes it difficult for us to afford to do needed repairs on our house and to afford to replace the vehicle we’d used to go to doctor appointments. The house needs a lot of repairs. It needs to be more accessible for my mom who has a severe Vitamin D deficiency (my whole family has this deficiency) that has progressed to a point where she’s developed osteopenia, a condition has caused her to break bones almost every time that she falls. The fracture risk is even higher for her because she, like me, also has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which increases a person’s likelihood of developing fractures and other injuries involving connective tissues. She’s on special supplements for kidney failure patients who are Vitamin D deficient, but the deficiency continues. The entrances to the house need to have permanent steps added in or a permanent ramp to make it easier for my mom to enter the house. This is especially important considering that her last fracture, hospitalization, and surgery (a surgery that the orthopedist thought would end in an amputation of the lower leg), as well as her ongoing treatments for blood clots and infections, were due to a fall because height difference between the porch and door. Our home is also in need of plumbing and electrical repairs. (We have aluminum wiring; that wiring caused a pretty bad fire for us about 20 years ago.) We also need our roof and siding replaced, doors replaced, flooring replaced–in most rooms, the “floor” solely consists of the concrete slab laid as the foundation, some broken windows fixed, and cracks in the walls repaired. We need the wiring fixed so that we can get the dryer working again. We need most of our plumbing replaced or repaired to prevent/end leaks. (Every sink leaks, the toilets leak, the bathtub has a crack.) Our dishwasher hasn’t worked since at least 2012–it floods the kitchen if you attempt to use it–and needs to be replaced as well. Our stove needs to be replaced. We had to disable the back two eyes after they both “shocked” me while I was cooking. The oven itself doesn’t work properly either. We lost our home insurance policy in 2012 because the roof needed to be replaced and we couldn’t afford to get that done. We will not be able to get a new policy until we have fixed the roof and most of the other issues. If all of that wasn’t enough, my parents were in a car crash on August 23, 2016. A teenager ran a red light and hit the driver’s side of my dad’s car, then the driver’s side of the car in the next lane. Dad’s car was 17-18 years old, so it would have cost the insurance company more to repair the car than to declare it totaled. We have my grandmother’s car, which is even older and has had a few weird issues of its own over the years. We need to raise money to replace the old car to make sure that we have a car to drive to doctor appointments & other places. There’s plenty to be done and not enough to do it with, so if you could help in anyway, it would be awesome. If you can’t afford to donate, please consider passing the link along or, if you happen to know of an agency or group that does these repairs or provides other services for people on fixed incomes, please pass that on to me. If you’re able to help, I would appreciate it. If you can’t donate, but can share the link, I would appreciate that as well. If you know of any organizations that could help, then I would love that. And if you have any questions, then I’ll answer them.

Crowd-Funding Home Repairs

I’m almost positive that my anemia is back, but I haven’t called the hematologist to get an earlier appointment. I don’t want to waste an appointment if I’m wrong. Of course I’d like to be able to do things like carrying a package from the front door to the love seat without being to winded to talk. Or workout in the pool without having to sleep away most of the next two days. Or not be über-bitchy because I feel so exhausted and shitty because my blood has gotten all low-quality on me. But I always worry that a doctor will think I’m just trying to get attention. 

Now I’ve Got Bad Blood