In just a few short hours, the peaceful bliss1 that Saturdays have given me since January will end. In its place, college football will possess certain people I love2 with a sense of loyalty, competitiveness, and anger. And the quiet will be replaced with cussing and screams of joy, which sometimes take place outside of the house as well as in it.3  Woe unto our neighbors.  When they talked earlier, Nana asked mom if she was prepared for it to start back. Can we ever be fully prepared for the enthusiasm my father has for the Auburn Tigers? You can’t really prepare for it. It’s one of those times where we only intervene if we think he’s so excited he’ll stroke out.45 Woe unto his blood pressure.  Games do usually give me a chance to read, listen to music, or cook. Anything to get away from the screaming. I may use the game time as a way to work in my room. Well, except for when I am working on chili for dinner.  Woe unto the kitchen & my bedroom.  And I will also cautiously keep up with the Alabama game because of reasons. I can’t point this out because of reasons, and because my dad would launch into his spiel of “Alabama is evil. Nick Saban is evil.” It’s a very long spiel, depending on his mood. If Auburn does well, the mood will be more on the positive end. So, if he happens to launch into his Crimson Tirade after an Auburn win, it will be a lot better for all involved.  Woe unto spiel recipients.  And now the pain medicine and Flexeril are kicking my brain’s ass, if it has one. This probably started out sounding less spacey than how it is going to end. Sentences are starting to make a sense that is not.  Woe unto grammar.  Okay, I need to get to bed & sleep some. Otherwise, I’d have to say: Woe unto me.  Teehee. I said it anyway. Teehee? Do I even say that? Apparently I just did. Yeah, I need to sleep off this squiggly brain feeling.  War Eagle.6 Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. ↩My father. ↩No, seriously, he will walk out the front door and scream at the neighborhood–and sometimes the neighbors–out of anger and joy. Usually he saves the joy for them. ↩Really. ↩He’s like me–or I’m like him–in that his blood pressure is typically on the lower side of the normal blood pressure range. But things that get him worked up cause it to go to the bad side. Like me. Or you know. ↩And, you know…reasons. ↩

The End (of Quiet Saturdays) is Nigh

via Instagram Amy is grooming her paws and taking a break from barking at the Germany v. Ghana World Cup match. She seems to be a Germany fan. She barks whenever Ghana scores or does well. When Germany scores or does something good, she’s silent. Of course, she could actually be going for Germany, but it makes more sense that she’d pull for Germany–she is a dachshund.1 Yes, I realize that it was completely coincidental. The barking is probably from hearing the crowd roar. ↩

Grooming During the World Cup

Where are the men’s rights activists when Daniel Murphy, the New York Mets player who took paternity leave on opening day, needs them? Well, he may not need them, but it seems like they would want to be all over people like Boomer Esiason and other jocks who don’t love that a guy took 3 days off from work to be with his newborn baby. Shouldn’t this be a perfect moment to advance their cause? Or were they just blowing smoke? I’ve seen feminists defend his decision and rant about the ignorance of the people who are so pissed about that decision, but no MRAs, no anti-feminists. Where’s the support of your fellow Y-chromosomed person? Where’s the defense of how he deserves to be given the same level of respect for wanting to spend time with his kid as a woman would be given? Oh, it isn’t there. The brilliant philosopher comedian Jon Stewart once said, “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.” I think that may be true for the Men’s Rights Movement. This is a movement that loves to talk about the rights of fathers, but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything for someone who is invoking his right as a father. Daniel Murphy, just like almost all1 new fathers, deserves to spend time with his kid. Studies have shown that paternity leave is actually good for children. Children of fathers who take paternity leave end up having more paternal involvement throughout their lives. These children also do better in cognitive development tests and are more prepared to enter school. It can also improve health of those kids as they grow up and lead to lower rates of obesity, allergies, and other health conditions. Why aren’t the MRAs screaming bloody murder at the ignorance of people who are criticizing Murphy for this? If this is what is best for a child, then shouldn’t they be happy? Shouldn’t they be promoting this idea and demanding that it happen more often? If they really want men to have the opportunity for equal involvement in their kids’ lives, then they need to get up off their asses and tell the media, lobbyists, and politicians that paternity leave is a right that men deserve. When it comes to defending a man’s actual rights, MRAs either need to put up or shut up. Obviously, fathers who are abusive or rapist or have some other quality that could endanger the child’s life don’t deserve that time. Just like mothers who have those qualities don’t deserve the time either. ↩

Daniel Murphy and The Missing Activists

Well, I know why my sinuses have been acting up for a couple of days now and why I’ve been coughing pretty badly. One of the loaves of bread that Sister Compassionless brought us was molded, and not just a little mold. The whole bottom of the loaf was covered in it this morning. I know that she didn’t bring us moldy bread intentionally, so I won’t blame this one her. You’ve got to admit that that would be an interesting way to kill someone. I wonder if any writers have ever done a story on murder by bread mold. Anyway, I am not up at the ungodly hour of 10 am because the exorcist/nurse called to tell us that she was on her way. She claimed that she called Friday and that we didn’t answer. She didn’t call. I don’t know if I’m awake enough to handle her. She just has so much energy and aside from when she feels a dark spirit in the house, she is just way too perky. I really just want to go back to sleep. It seems like any time that I take 2 of my Flexerils at night, the next morning I end up having to get up before the pills have worn off. I end up having what I tend to think of as a hangover.1 My dad is pretty happy today. Auburn won their game last night. He would have been happier if Alabama had lost theirs, but you can’t have everything. I’m pretty sure that if he had voodoo dolls, he would totally be torturing the hell out Johnny Manziel for the turnovers and Nick Saban for being, well, Nick Saban. Oy. I just want to lay down and rest some, but Amy is laying halfway under a cushion on the couch, taking a nap. Like as a puppy must be so tiresome. Of course, she wagged until I thought her tail was going to fall off when she realized all 3 of her people were awake and in the same room as her. My poor little cuddle-bunny wore herself out from the all that wagging. And now my dad is angry because my mom ordered stuff online without consulting him. Part of the time it seems like she does things like that just to piss him off. It is extremely easy to make him mad. I think Hulk has an easier time controlling his temper than my dad. That may be because Hulk is a fictional character, though. But seriously, my dad gets angry really easily. He used to get mad when out-of-date milk was poured out because that was “such a waste”. And he gets upset that I try to get rid of boxes and plastic grocery bags instead of allowing them to pile up.2 Every single thing that goes wrong or that he doesn’t like earns a rant from him, where he’ll claim that it happened just to piss him off or make his life harder. And I mean everything. Even when a show is to-be-continued or when a sports team he likes loses. I don’t know what a real hangover is like since I’ve never had alcohol. ↩He thinks that we’ll need them someday, so he wants to keep them. ↩

Ungodly Mold

In baseball, they’re apparently not as tech savvy as other sports because the teams with the fewest GB go on to the playoffs. I guess that the geekier you are, the less they want you on the team. Schools associated with hippie culture or that are associated with a quality education seem to have a harder time winning football games than ones thought of as party schools. Maybe partying helps them win. The best way to win at golf is not to play. There are more notable soccer teams located in Europe than in the US. American soccer teams have better names than European ones, though. Sexual favors and drug use apparently haven’t hurt the Oklahoma State football team. Not only did they win their game last night, they are undefeated so far. Maybe every team should try offering an incentive package that includes sexual favors and plenty of drugs. Is it me or do boxers have strange names? Every school with orange as a team color seems to have a different definition of what the color orange should look like. Targeting does not involve shopping. Football teams can’t tell time because 30 minutes should not last 90 minutes. At least soccer is honest about game length. Verne Lundquist said that he is mesmerized by Johnny Manziel. I wonder if he scribbles his name all over his notebooks with hearts and stuff. Notre Dame makes their helmets from Willy Wonka’s discarded golden eggs. At least they didn’t use chucks of Veruca to decorate them. Giants vs. Dodgers sounds like a philosophical debate, not a baseball game. Buick still makes cars. Firestone’s commercial looks like an endorsement for tramp stamps. Purdue’s field has a did lower case “d” on it when the field is shown from above. University Studies is a legitimate major if you’re on an athletic scholarship. Getting caught cheating in NASCAR will always back fire on a person’s sorry ass. Abbreviated team names sound like product names: MissTex sounds like it could be tampons or nose spray. SeaStl sounds like some kind of prostate medicine. An Ohio State player apparently decided to reenact the “King of the World” scene from Titanic. Tiger Woods would have been a totally awesome porn star name. Auto Zone doesn’t really try to market toward women. The Steelers have a player that looks like a legitimate viking. Vertical stripes really are slimming. Some college or university is named Stony Brook. No word on if there is an active Babysitters Club there or not. For a game watched by a lot of homophobic people, there are a lot of times when one guy is on top of another. Huddle is a code word for “group hug”. My dad might forget my name from time-to-time, but he knows the names of every single Auburn player on the field. Southerners would be probably be more comfortable with the targeting penalties if they were called Walmarting penalties. The only team with uglier uniforms than Tennessee is Oregon. Of course, that’s really debatable since Tennessee’s Macaroni and Cheese/Orange Creamsicle uniforms are really ugly. Hipsters know more than non-hipsters in commercials. This must be the sign of a hipster conspiracy to take over marketing. There is something magical about female boob fat because guys can paint their whole naked chests for their teams, but women have to paint around or over their bras and tank tops. Coaches like to sniff at paper and their hands. Apparently, cleanliness after bathroom breaks is an issue. Tattoo quality is an issue for some folks. There are statistics about how many times gas is passed during a game. There are other statistics about how many times a person on team  has a head rush and how many times they jump around in potato sacks. Pom-poms will never look cool. Some guys should just be spokesmen for Butterfinger instead of trying to have a football career. Some dude in the College Game Day commercial is dumb enough to point a drill at his hand. I really won’t be shocked if he ends up with a hole in that hand and claims to have the Stigmata. If you don’t want to say “For Fuck’s Sake” during a game, you just aren’t paying attention. You might not want to mention “compensating” while commenting on a sport where you also have to mention “being tight”, “going down” and “inches”. There is apparently something called a “Magic Number”. ESPN isn’t run by Muggles. Praise JK! The tiny white dude is the only one who gets to put his foot on the football. SportsCenter is apparently a big deal.

Stuff I Learned From ESPN and College Football Coverage