Self-Esteem


Monday morning I have to be at the hospital for my hip injection. I’m scared and I don’t have many people to talk to about that. The person I wish I could talk to about it doesn’t want to talk to me. That may be making me worry more about this injection than I should.  Actually it has nothing to do with the anxiety related to the shot, but his lack of wanting to talk or do much of anything has been why I’ve cried five days this week. I just associate him with it because I thought he might want to know that I was undergoing general anesthesia for a shot to find out if I’ll need surgery. Finding out that he completely didn’t care just caused a lot of insecurity issues to raise up all of a sudden. Well, and they reminded me that I tend to care more about others than they care about me. I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me and that’s why no one needs or wants to keep me around. I feel forgettable and ugly and stupid and broken and that no one could ever love me for any reason, and this just amplified all of that.  I don’t think anyone will miss me if anything does happen Monday or any other day. 

Amplified Tears


Firsts by Laurie Elizabeth Flynn My rating: 2 of 5 stars This book was good, but it wasn’t. That may not be obvious since I rated it so low. Firsts tackled some tough subjects, but it didn’t really do so in a great or helpful way. I honestly wonder if it may have done more harm than good. The intention of the author, much like the intention of the main character Mercedes Ayres, was probably a good one at heart, but, as the proverb goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Good intentions cannot fix what is truly wrong with this book. I understand the attempt to soften the approach people take to cheating and slut-shaming, but it doesn’t actually achieve that. Instead, it pushes those stereotypes even further and dismisses criminal behavior as seduction and bad parenting. Luke is portrayed as the former boyfriend, while the behavior described is clearly sexually abusive. He groomed Mercedes before forcing her to perform oral sex on him and before eventually raping her. Charlie’s actions are not really any better. Filming a person having sex without their consent is illegal. Trying to physically force someone to have sex with you is illegal. Attempting to blackmail someone over their sex life is, you guessed it, illegal. But the author chooses to say that Charlie was trying to “seduce” Mercedes. No, that’s not seduction. Those are acts of sexual violence. Kim is an emotionally abusive and emotionally & physically neglectful mother, and Mercedes’ absentee father who decided to punish Mercedes for her mom’s decisions isn’t much better. Kim is portrayed as a slut and a bimbo who only cares about spending the ill-gotten gains of her ex-husband. It’s the kind of storyline that you might get from websites run by “men’s rights activists” and MGTOW. Faye is the supposed-to-be-subtle-but-really-isn’t cautionary tale. Zach is the night-in-shining armor. Angela is the good girl, the girl with the patience of a saint and who is let back into Mercy’s life too easily. Mercedes is the fallen girl/girl gone bad who takes on the sins of all those involved & is nearly ruined in the process. She is constantly obsessing over what side she should show others, which is something that a lot of people feel, but it was never really addressed in the book. Yes, there’s the whole, her mom screwed up how she thinks about sex, beauty, weight, etc., but that’s not enough to explain why she is so hyper-critical and why she is convinced that she is unlovable. And if you’re going to spend a whole book tearing down the main character’s self-esteem, then you need to spend more than a couple of pages making her act like she’s all-better all of a sudden. Sometimes it came across as preachy. No, wait, it always came across as preachy. The sex lives of most of the characters in the book are regularly criticized. Angela, Mercy’s BFF, is super-religious and pushes her faith onto everyone. (There are even Bible verses that are quoted and referenced.) Her sex-negative attitude only pushes Mercy to hide her actions. Kim’s antics seem to push the idea that adultery leads women to even more vice-filled lives. Mercy’s internal dialogue about how many guys she’s had sex with pushed the idea that girls & women who have ‘too much’ sex might be seen as used up goods. The outcome at school for Mercedes pushes the idea that women and girls have to be punished for being sexual. When Mercedes describes how she feels about sex and intimacy, even when she sometimes thinks she’s attracted to Faye, it’s almost like reading a pamphlet on sex addiction. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed by the way that her pseudo-attraction to Faye was handled. I know that with sex addiction, a person might engage in sex with people that they aren’t really attracted to, but the whole “is she going to kiss me” thing that existed through most of their interactions was just shrugged away toward the end. I didn’t know if Mercedes was only thinking about Faye that way because she really doesn’t understand relationship boundaries or if she might not be as heterosexual as she eventually felt the need to declare she was. Sex addiction or figuring out that you’re LGBTQ might be an interesting topic to cover in a novel, but it needs to be addressed in a better way. Come to think of it: all of the issues that are described within the book need to be addressed properly. In attempting to counter the sex-negativity that people, especially women and girls, encounter in their lives, the book actually pushed an even more sex-negative outlook. The book essentially normalized sexual violence, parental neglect, and shaming young women for being interested in sex. That’s why I don’t think I could ever truly love this book. It almost seemed like a book I could like until it became clear that it was just another in a long line of anti-sex books with ambiguous attitudes toward abuse and sexual assault. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. View all my reviews

Review: Firsts



I posted this last night on Twitter. I think it’s from sixth grade. It may be fourth or fifth. I know it’s not seventh or eighth because of the massive haircut before seventh grade. Anyway, when I scanned it this weekend, I remembered how much I hated picture day. It wasn’t just my self-esteem issues that made it difficult. I would get stressed out over how to smile properly for a picture. I would obsess all day over getting the smile right, because I thought that if I didn’t, the picture wouldn’t look right and I would be laughed at. Okay, so maybe it was the self-esteem thing. And I would think they were just trying to placate me, when the pictures would come back and my friends would say, “Oh, you’re so pretty.” Because I knew that there was something wrong with my picture—something wrong with me. And I could pick out every flaw in the picture to prove how wrong the compliments were. I still struggle with that, but it is getting easier. Selfies have made it easier. I can still see the blackheads, the messy hair, the bra strap sticking out, the weight, all the freckles, the lower jaw sticking out, the nose that always made me self-conscious, the half wavy/half straight hair, the unplucked eyebrows…but I also see the girl who put so much time and effort into hating herself that she couldn’t appreciate her own beauty, her own life. Selfies taught me to smile and every time I smile, I get a little happier. But that’s why it irks me when people say people who can’t see their own beauty are “fishing for compliments” or that people who take a lot of selfies are “full of themselves” because there are a lot of people out there who have low self esteem or body image issues. Let people feel good about themselves. Life is hard enough as it is—why not let people feel comfy in their own skin. via Tumblr

Last Night on Twitter 








Wow. This is my first entry in my new diary. I have a diary offline that I’ll keep my juiciest secrets in, but this one is for the not so juicy stuff. So right now, life sucks. I mean, my friends are great, but I’m not exactly the happiest chickadee in the world. It seems like everytime I get my life under control, I suddenly lose control of it. I guess that’s part of the psych problems I have. I have OCD, Depression, Panic Disorder, Anxiety problems, and I cut myself. I also have binge eating disorder, which really makes me feel like an ugly cow. So I guess I need to let you know about me. Well, I’m 17 and from Alabama. I love *NSYNC. I have a foster brother “E”. I live with him and my parents. I dropped out of school in January because of my health problems, but I plan on going to college and becoming a psychologist. I want to help teenagers who are going through some of the same problems as I am. So I guess that’s all I can think of for now.

My first entry