Tag: Schizoaffective Disorder


30 Days of Truths: Day 6

13
March

Today (well, yesterday, but I’m backdating the entry, so it’ll be the right day) is day number 6, which is the day that we discuss:
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

If I said kill a person, would that be too obvious?  Um, how about something else?

I hope that I never have to go back into a psychiatric hospital.  I know that they can be really good places for people who need to be there, and I know that sometimes I probably should be in one.  I don’t want to go back to one ever, though.

The experience when I was 17 was horrible.  I just don’t ever want to relive anything like that ever again.  Even thinking about a possible repeat of that makes my brain start feeling overwhelmed with scary thoughts.

Past Days:
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself
Day 2: Something you love about yourself
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Future Days:
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

 

Comment » | 30 Days of Truth, Confessions, memes, Mental Health

Troublemaking

9
January

My mom told me that the one thing that used to get me in trouble, when I would get in trouble, was my honesty. She said that I was always really well-behaved, but that if something upset me, I was vocal about it. Not really surprising news, is it?

So, I have now added an IP from Huntsville and one from Altoona to my .htaccess file for blocking. This time, they refer automatically to a notice that basically tells the family members involved to just leave me alone. I honestly think that (in order to catch the post on the day it was posted) someone had to be waiting around for me to post something like it. I’m supposed to feel guilty (according to them) because I posted something about them on a website for all the world to see. Now, for those of you not related to me, where in the post did I explicitly identify who I was talking about? And did I say anything worse about her than I did my own mother? (My mother doesn’t read the blog, but knows that I talk about her and has a fairly good idea about what I might be saying. My father does read the blog, and knows exactly what I say about him.)

I do think that I voiced some legitimate concerns. Her son is on a stimulant for hyperactivity. He has dyslexia and he’s hyper is all that my mom, grandmother, or I are ever told–my parents and I have suspected that he might have a developmental disorder for a while. When he wasn’t talking by 2, I was a bit concerned. When that continued into 3, I was even more concerned. I couldn’t bring it up because she didn’t ever want to talk about that kind of thing with me. But I digress. Like I said, he’s on a stimulant. Stimulants are great for some kids with ADHD and some who are on the Autism spectrum. They aren’t necessarily great in a family that has a history of psychotic and mood disorders. Now, I know that the cousin-in-law doesn’t think of me as her family, but I am related by blood to her husband and son. Children in families with histories of schizophrenia are at an increased risk of ending up with schizophrenia. Children who go on stimulants are also at an increased risk for ending up with schizophrenia.  Also, children on the Autism spectrum are at an increased risk of schizophrenia, in general. So, it’s not that big of a jump to say that she should be on the lookout for symptoms.

Also, I think that the idea that maybe it’s hypocritical to continually insinuate that my mother and grandmother are druggies because they have chronic pain and have taken addictive drugs, but that it is okay to give her son something that is well-known for addiction because he has issues is a legitimate issue to be upset about. My mother and grandmother both have degenerative issues with their spines, not to mention a plethora of other problems (neuropathy, arthritis, FM, hypermobility, etc.) that cause them pain. I think it’s a little unfair to treat them like they’re some kind of criminals because they feel the need to seek medication.

I had a cousin on the other side of the family tell me that this would all pass over and things would get better. I don’t think so. Every year since the last major issue (2002), I have felt like a stranger at my family’s functions. I have had this sense of impending doom because of that particular family member. She thinks it is because I’m spoiled and that I want to be the baby. I don’t care about being the baby in the family. On the other side, I have cousins who have kids that are younger than me (and have for almost 16 years) and I’m cool with them. This pretty much comes down to her coming into a family and trying to take over. We were a close family until she came along. Now, not so much.

Anyway, my Nana (or “Granny” as the family member called her) seems to be on the side of her only granddaughter in this. I’m sure that my aunt is pissed. I’m sure that my cousin is, too. Do I really care that these people are upset because I voiced real concerns? No. I’m more upset that they think it’s okay for her to be hateful to members of their family, but if I say anything, then I’m some kind of monster. Double standards suck

I also think it was rather rude of her to call someone who she knows has trouble expressing themselves vocally to express her anger.  The only point of making that call would be to yell at me, since she would know that it would be almost impossible for me to express my thoughts.  If she had an issue, she could’ve emailed me or commented.  She could’ve gone about this in a way where we would both be able to communicate effectively, but she didn’t care about that.  She wanted to be able to make me feel bad, which she didn’t do.

I don’t know.  I might not have posted the “bad” entry this time if I hadn’t found out about the comments that she’d made on the same week that I was informed (via local news) that my cousin had a child that had been diagnosed with developmental delays.  Finding out that she trusted strangers over people that she actually has some relation to just irritated me.  You add that to the thing with my mom and just her attitude in general, and everything just kind of festered.

Sorry if I’ve spent too much time ranting about this.  I know that some of you have probably read a lot more about this than others, and I’m sorry.  Maybe now that my thoughts are known to this family member, though, life will not be nearly as stressful.

Heh. Yeah, right.

2 comments » | 10 Years of Madness, Confessions, Family, FPS-Related

Hello, This is M.I.A., Could You Please Come Get Me?

8
January

Apparently, Kate, Krystal, and Ashley were worried because I hadn’t tweeted in a while. I’m still alive. I’ve just been spending as little time on the computer as possible lately. It has more to do with migraines and dumb/sucky stuff like that than anything else. Oddly, I’ve been able to read, which probably is due to the fact that reading requires less light than computer stuff. (Pixels are bright, yo. ;) )

Today (yesterday), my parents and I went to my grandmother’s house to pick up our Christmas presents. We only stayed a few minutes, which kind of sucked. While we were there, my mom told me that the money that my grandmother had given me would be appropriated into the family fund. Ah, yes, how sweet. (I have “given” my money before–once my dad’s sister sent $100 or more for me, and I got around $20. Oddly, that was the last present she ever sent me.) She told me later she was teasing, which made it kind of okay. When we came back to Huntsville, I put the money in the bank, which my mom knew because she was in the car. Then, we had to go by Walmart because it’s supposed to snow this weekend (wtf is with the weather?) and we needed some crap. Well, I had to go get eyedrops, and my mom was getting the milk, cereal, etc. I couldn’t find the eyedrops that I had been using, but found what I thought would be a good substitute. When I came back over to the grocery side, I waited and waited and waited. I ended up looking for a notebook and some pens. I found some on sale and was waiting for my mom, who eventually showed up, and she was like, “Do you have enough money?” To this I responded, “What?” Apparently, she expected me to have the money from Christmas with me, even though I thought she knew I’d deposited it all. So, she said that I could go out to the car and ask my dad for money. I said no. She kept trying to convince me to do this, and I kept saying no. I told her I’d wait on the eyedrops, but she said she would get them for me. (She kept making a big deal about the cost.) I couldn’t get the notebook or the pens, though because the $3-$4 for those would be too much. Oddly, though, it wasn’t too much for her to get a box of hot chocolate mix (in dark chocolate–which means it’s for her) and a box of brownies (which would also be for her) which were each about $2.50. I think it’s kind of weird that she still binges on chocolate with her diabetes, but acts like getting anything with any cholesterol is an absolute sin. (She has high cholesterol, too, but she actually tries to eat things that won’t raise that.)

This was the second time this week that I’ve been ragged on for money spending. This has apparently become her latest pet peeve. When I asked for stuff from the grocery store this past week, she and my dad came home talking about the $200 that they’d spent on my list. (I got 2 cans of biscuits, a thing of rice, some chocolate [trying to cut back], a 7-up [for nausea], and some yogurt. Definitely not $200 worth of stuff.) Anytime anything is spent on me, I hear about how much I cost them. Sure, my mom will spend money on the two of them or on Willow or maybe one of the other pups, but if its spent on me, a guilt trip must be applied. My dad says that it’s because my mom is going off her Wellbutrin, which makes her more depressed, which triggers other moods. I don’t know, though. I get that it’s her bad season and that she’s taking herself off of a medicine that should’ve been helping with her mood. (It causes her to have headaches, which she knew before she was put on it this time.) Still, I don’t think that explains the incessant bitchiness. If I had a dollar for every time she’s decided to rail on me in the past few months, I could rival Warren Buffett, or that’s how it feels. I think it’s something more. I also think that she won’t get it checked out because she’ll find a way to make it sound (in her mind) like her angst toward me is justified.

Oh, I found out this past week that a certain family member told my mom back in 2002 that my mom didn’t have any disabilities and was milking the system. (As much as my mom and I argue as of late, I can say that my mom doesn’t milk the system.) I thought that was kind of funny, since this certain family member also likes to make anyone who uses pain medicine out to be a drug addict, but doesn’t care that a drug used in her house everyday is probably inadvisable for the person using it. (Since stimulants are linked to earlier onset of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and we all know that those run in the family.) I also thought it was interesting that that family member won’t discuss certain topics (when genuine concern is shown) with family members, but has yet to have a hissy fit that a video was on the news the other night about people with developmental delays and someone she won’t discuss was in it. Maybe she just doesn’t know yet.

 

Now she does. She should also know that other people get to put videos and pictures up of this, so if news outlets, groups, etc. get to talk about it, I figure I should, too.

1 comment » | +internet friends, Ashley, Family, Friends, Holidays, Janet Goes AWOL, Kate, Krystal, Mental Health, Rants, Sickness and Health, So Damn Special, Twitter, YouTube

Point Me In The Right Direction

23
May

I’m sitting here on my netbook, so proud of myself because I was able to use the phone almost 12 hours ago to call FedEx to schedule a pickup for my laptop computer. I know, I know. I claim to be smarter than the average bear and whatnot, but sometimes it’s the little things that make me feel so damn special. The phone is the enemy for me, as I tend to have panic attacks when I get on it. Freaky, I know.

I’m in one of my phases where I want to learn everything, do everything, experience everything. I know what most people would say to that: Get out of your house. Muhaha…not that simple. Never that simple. If my life were that simple, then I probably wouldn’t have a blog…and I definitely wouldn’t have multiple blogs. It is because of the unsimpleness of my simple life that I have blogs and get to unentertain many (okay, maybe 1 or 2 on fps, 100 on LJ, and 432 on Tumblr) people on a daily basis…or whenever I’m in a mood to post.

So, I was looking at online universities again. I thought that might be better for me than going back to UAH, which should have been a good fit for me, except my mental acuity has degraded too much (is that normal with Schizoaffective?) to handle full-time at a brick and mortar school. I don’t want to do one of those fake online schools that swindles you for all you’re worth and you end up looking like a big fool for going along for the ride. I can do foolish all by myself, thank you very much.

I am also going to try to teach myself how to write php codes. I know, I still use templates for my blogs. (Actually, I used to not do them, but every time I’ve tried to write a proper theme for my wordpress-run sites, I break them. Supposedly, it’s an easy platform to write for, but apparently not Janet-proof. About the only one that looks semi-okay is the WP version of Like So Totally Me. But it was a badly re-engineered Kubrick, so no major celebrations on that front.

So, back to the code writing, I want to write codes because I always have ideas for them, and though I have talented friends who can write just about anything that comes to mind, I sometimes want to do things on my own. Of course, because of their talent, I’m a bit intimidated to ask about how to get started on the whole code writing thing. So, you know, if anyone else might ask them for me, or point them toward this post, that would be great. Haha, I’m so brave, aren’t I?

Oh, and I’m also looking for sites to link to on my links page. If you have any suggestions, just feel free to tell me. You might have to post them sans the whole http:// part if you’re on WP, because of the comment moderation thing.

Oh, and I want to do my weekly Q&A thing…even though, it’s always an intermittent thing when I do it. So, if you have any questions, feel free to ask them.

2 comments » | Confessions, FPS-Related, Friends, General, Internet, Mental Health, School, So Damn Special, Tumblr, You Recommend It

The Case for Insanity

18
March

As most people probably know, I have been diagnosed with multitudes of mental health problems over the years. In the words of Jem: “A self-confessed loony!” I have blogged for many years about these problems, but if you’ve noticed recently, the posts about my present mental health have dropped off. This is not due to fear of backlash, or anything about what others think of me. Honestly, I really could not care less about what others feel about my mental health or my obsession with my insanity. It’s not because I feel shame over it…well, not exactly.

You see, the thing I’ve felt bad about recently is that, for around a year, my mental health has been getting more and more stable. With every physical ailment that befalls me, my mental health seems to get better. Being crazy was something I knew would always be there. When I started lithium at 17, I knew I was in it for the long-haul, and that felt kind of safe. That gave me a sense of true identity.

Yes, I know who I am, but part of how I identify myself and how I differentiate my life from the lives of others is in my innate sense of having no earthly clue if what I’m seeing or feeling is real. The lack of sanity had always given me a sense of purpose. I didn’t try to use it as an excuse for bad behaviors, but I did think of it as my reason for being me.

Most people who suffer from mental illness say that they would rejoice if they woke up with a reprieve. (I do not think this is ever going to be a permanent shift in how my mind/body works.) I always knew if it was gone, then there would be something off about me. Coping with the world is different when you no longer see or hear things that aren’t there, or when you don’t go into a depressive streak or a “manic” streak. Admittedly, I still have my OCD and my tendency to have an internal bitchfest (BPD) whenever someone pisses me off, but they’re both a lot better than they used to be.

I miss being the stark raving nut. I want to be me again. Now, if you want to take away a health issue, then please get rid of the physical problems. I don’t like them. I don’t enjoy pain, an odd thing to say for a “former” cutter. I don’t like the constant stream of new doctors and new tests. I don’t like having different meds tested on me, each one causing my body to find some new way of saying, “Are you fucking trying to poison me, bitch? Um, no.” At least if I still have to react physically to drugs, then give me the normal reactions. Don’t give me the reaction that is on the back of the bottom paragraph in the tiniest font size known to mankind in a face no one can read that say, “In Janet, this drug will cause the following extremely unusual reactions:”, which lead to me calling the doctors and the pharmacist to trouble-shoot my medication regimen, which now consists of Flonase and Effexor. Temporarily, due to the surgery, I’m on Clindamycin, saline nose spray, Phenergan, and Darvocet. (This regimen for surgery recovery was something I had to trouble-shoot with the nurse when the surgery was being scheduled due to my allergies to antibiotics, anti-psychotics, and pain relievers.)

1 comment » | General

The Idiocy of a Medical Professional

27
July

I got a call today about my sleep study results. Apparently, I have “mild to moderate sleep apnea” and need CPAP. They gave me some of the basics on my sleep apnea: 10 apneas/hour and 89% oxygen saturation. I’m also asymptomatic. Now, I did a little research. While 5-15 apneas constitute mild sleep apnea, you should typically have 85% or lower saturation. For CPAP to be used in mild cases, you should have something else…SYMPTOMS. I don’t meet the qualifications for the damn machine that they’re going to make me wear for 2 weeks. UGH. And the thing is that I have to wear it for those 2 weeks to appease this idiot of a man. I have to wear some stupid machine because he has different standards than freaking experts in the field.

And what about the fact that it can take HOURS for me to fall asleep? Oh, well, he didn’t diagnose that problem. Or that I never actually seem to be unaware of what’s going on in the middle of the night when I try to sleep at night? He didn’t address that. My brain does not shut off at night. This is not sleep apnea stuff. This is circadian-rhythm disorder stuff. Of course, I can’t tell him all my symptoms for that because he’ll chastise me for not wanting to sleep “normal” hours. (Personally, I think it’s BS that people HAVE to sleep at night. If my body was programmed to sleep in the day, then who can say that that’s wrong?)

And you know what’s really bad about this whole thing? If I don’t have sleep apnea bad enough to require this treatment, then I’m being treated for no reason. Then, if I have a circadian-rhythm disorder, and I’m not being treated, I have to endure rudeness about my sleep-wake schedule AND I might possibly be on psychotropic medications that I could be taken off of because I might not actually be as insane as was previously detected. (Delayed sleep phase syndrome can commonly be misdiagnosed as mood disorders and schizophrenia.)

1 comment » | Mental Health, Rants, Sickness and Health

But None of Us Are, Right?

9
February

My Modern Political Philosophy teacher has this thing where he likes to inflame the members of the class by insulting their sensibilities. He doesn’t do it to make them really mad, just to get them involved in the class. He’ll insult Obama in one sentence, then go on to rag on the Republican party in the next. He hasn’t done that the past couple of days, though. Instead, he’s taken to saying that society does not work a certain way because we, the members of society, are not Schizophrenic. This is something that always catches me off guard because technically anyone with Schizoaffective Disorder has the symptoms of Schizophrenia combined with those of a mood disorder. In a technical sense, there is at least one person in the class who is Schizophrenic. And on Friday, he said something about how cutters think and it was a bit insulting. Since I used to cut, I kind of group myself with that group as well.

I’m kind of stuck on this because I love the class, but I hate going in there not knowing if he’s going to say something about something that’s wrong with me and just assume that since we all look “normal” that we all are “normal”. I guess he doesn’t think that anyone with a Schizophrenia-spectrum disorder would be in a Junior level class at a pretty difficult university, but that didn’t stop me. I just don’t get what I should do or say about this because I don’t think it’s right what he’s saying, but I don’t want him to know about my disorder. I’m afraid if people know that I’m going to somehow end up having what happened at A&M repeated. I don’t want to find myself unable to graduate yet again simply because my brain happens to use the neurotransmitters a bit differently from “normal”.

2 comments » | Alabama A&M, Mental Health, UAH

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