ptsd


The past week has been rough. Seeing political leaders in my state make excuse after excuse for Roy Moore has made me want to scream. Seeing people I know in real life dismiss the claims has made me want to cry. Seeing “conservatives” attack the character of victims has been disgusting. Seeing “liberals” talk about how my state is a festering limb ready to be amputated or how we should be targeted with nuclear strikes because of the reactions by some residents has been infuriating. It’s just been overwhelming.  I believe the accusers.1 That should not be shocking. I try to always believe the accusers, even if it’s someone I (once) adored or respected.2 I’m not going to go into specifics, but the whole idea that it’s a conspiracy against Moore is just pretty irrational. There is no conspiracy by the left or by the “GOP establishment” to malign him. If anyone just wanted to discredit the man, they needn’t make up sexual abuse allegations. His career is enough for most reasonable people to determine he’s not qualified.   I don’t like Roy Moore. I never have. I never will. He’s not someone I think deserves respect. He definitely shouldn’t hold a public office of any sort. I thought that before these allegations because I’m familiar with how abusive he can be when holding office. I don’t believe people who have a history of violating constitutional rights and who want to turn the country into a theocracy are fit for public office. I don’t really understand why there have been so many concern trolls from out of state trying to tell me how wonderful Moore is. They don’t even know the first thing about him. They just view this as an attack on their principles. And I just cringe because I know how horrific his principles are, so I have to hope they really don’t share them because the alternative is, well, horrific.  This is not a left vs right issue. It’s an issue of wrong vs right. Most people understand this. Many of Moore’s biggest critics have been Republicans, as have the accusers, so this idea that it’s Democrats plotting against him just underscores how out of touch his supporters are when it comes to politics and to acceptable human behavior. How can it be controversial or overtly political to oppose child abuse?  I don’t know how anyone could think a person accused of sexually abusing, harassing, and stalking teenage girls belongs in the Senate. That just completely baffles me. And I can’t see any political issue being important enough that it would justify a vote for someone so vile. What issue could make it okay to vote for someone accused of abusing kids?  Listening to the stories of the women and hearing the reactions by people across the aisle has just made it difficult as a child sexual abuse survivor to deal. It’s everywhere I look, and it triggers my obsessive tendencies to seek out more about the story. That just leads to more stress which leads to unhealthy coping techniques. I had gone a week-and-a-half without chocolate when the story broke. Within two days, I had started on a chocolate binge and I’ll have to work myself back off the candy. I know that sounds like a ridiculous thing to blame on this story, but it’s the reality.  And when I see people choosing to dismiss the allegations because they were from decades ago, it makes me think that they would not believe me or any of other survivors that wait years before talking about it—if they ever do. It makes the world feel more frightening and foreign. It makes me feel alone. Every time they tear down an accuser because she’s not perfect, it makes me feel like they won’t believe any survivor. It’s just a lot to deal with and sometimes I just want to scream until my throat is raw because I know these reactions by his defenders are harmful and wrong, and I hate them for making recovering from the trauma of sexual violence that much harder. I just have to figure out how to deal with this story and allo its dredging up. I don’t see it going away any time soon. I have to hope that my state will do the right thing in the end.  Have I just agreed with Mirch McConnell? The end must be nigh. ↩Al Franken. ↩

#NoMoore


Are you fucking kidding me? The post-Olympics local news is talking about Jeffrey Franklin. Fuck off, Broussard. — Janet Morris (@janersm) August 6, 2016 from Twitter – August 05, 2016 at 11:32PM via IFTTT I have heard way too much about Jeffrey Franklin this summer. My mental health is being taxed each time it comes up. Why do they always have to talk to the District Attorney Rob Broussard & get his input on the mental state of Jeffrey? He always says the same thing: he thinks Jeffrey isn’t mentally ill, he thinks he’s evil, and he thinks that the fact that Jeffrey wrote extensively about harming his family before he did it proves this. No one mentions that Jeffrey’s own parents acknowledged that he had a mental illness before he killed them, that his friends do as well. He doesn’t mention Jeffrey’s tox levels. Instead, he sticks to this sensationalized narrative that’s out there; one he probably promoted when he first tried the case. And it just makes me remember everything that did happen and I’m agitated and have a sort of “mental itch” for days afterwards. I know that I can’t move on completely from that night, but it would be easier if they wouldn’t hype it up so much.


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So, while I wait for my sunscreen to power-up, I thought I’d say that the only real use for a certain stigmatic trending topic, #TheTriggering, is to fill my 100,000+1 strong blocklist .2 I’ve seen a lot of those assholes pretend like it isn’t an attack on people with PTSD. They claim that the people who talk about needing trigger warnings aren’t “really” PTSD patients. Well, in a way, they’re correct; some who need trigger warnings are not PTSD patients. Many psychiatric ailments have environmental/stress-related triggers. Many “physical” ailments do as well. They claim that people who talk about having PTSD haven’t really been diagnosed; that they just looked it up on the internet and randomly decided that they have it. Randomly claiming to have PTSD is apparently a lot less classy than telling a stranger on Twitter that you know more about their psychological health than they do.3 Maybe some who claim to have PTSD are faking, but I guess the shitlords don’t realize that if a person is faking a mental illness for attention or sympathy or because they genuinely believe they have it, they are still suffering from a mental illness. Guess what that means: They still deserve respect & compassion.  Most of the posts I’ve seen that don’t bash PTSD patients are bashing non-whites, LGBTQ community members, the disabled, and other marginalized groups. They’ll glorify free speech and free enterprise, while wanting to restrict votes4 to people they don’t like and saying that a private business5 cannot ban people who violate its terms of service–they think that’s censorship.6 They deny that their harassment and bullying campaigns are abuse because, to them, abuse has to involve physical violence, but they’ll use Eron Gjoni’s supposed psychological abuse to promote those campaigns. Many profess a belief in Christianity, while not understanding its tenets. Others claim to be atheists—a belief they promote as one for morally superior individuals—while simultaneously engaging in harassment and bullying of others for fun.7 Many are Trump supporters and/or identify with KKK, neo-Nazi, or other alt-right ideologies. #TheTriggering is nothing more than a bigotpalooza. It’s sick and fucking twisted.  And all of their hate is over what? Having to give a heads up that their words might upset others? At worst, that’s an inconvenience. They’re basically assholes complaining that they can’t be assholes to other people.8 There are kindergarten graduates who have a better grasp on how to behave around others than they do.  Photo Credit: Pixabay Seriously. ↩And it’s not even all that useful since I already have most of the assholes using it blocked. ↩I speak from experience on this. I was told that I couldn’t have PTSD from childhood emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and bullying. I was told only military service personnel who were atracked in a war zone could have the disorder. ↩Voting is a form of free speech. ↩Twitter. ↩It isn’t. ↩If you think terrorizing another person is fun, seek professional help. ↩Get some manners, guys. ↩

Huff and Puff


I posted this last night on Twitter. I think it’s from sixth grade. It may be fourth or fifth. I know it’s not seventh or eighth because of the massive haircut before seventh grade. Anyway, when I scanned it this weekend, I remembered how much I hated picture day. It wasn’t just my self-esteem issues that made it difficult. I would get stressed out over how to smile properly for a picture. I would obsess all day over getting the smile right, because I thought that if I didn’t, the picture wouldn’t look right and I would be laughed at. Okay, so maybe it was the self-esteem thing. And I would think they were just trying to placate me, when the pictures would come back and my friends would say, “Oh, you’re so pretty.” Because I knew that there was something wrong with my picture—something wrong with me. And I could pick out every flaw in the picture to prove how wrong the compliments were. I still struggle with that, but it is getting easier. Selfies have made it easier. I can still see the blackheads, the messy hair, the bra strap sticking out, the weight, all the freckles, the lower jaw sticking out, the nose that always made me self-conscious, the half wavy/half straight hair, the unplucked eyebrows…but I also see the girl who put so much time and effort into hating herself that she couldn’t appreciate her own beauty, her own life. Selfies taught me to smile and every time I smile, I get a little happier. But that’s why it irks me when people say people who can’t see their own beauty are “fishing for compliments” or that people who take a lot of selfies are “full of themselves” because there are a lot of people out there who have low self esteem or body image issues. Let people feel good about themselves. Life is hard enough as it is—why not let people feel comfy in their own skin. via Tumblr

Last Night on Twitter