Little Talks

A while ago, I told a guy I had been talking to on the phone and texting/IMing (we never met in person/we met on OKC) with that I was no longer interested. In our early conversations, he told me all of the compliments I’d never heard and all of the ones I’d always wanted to hear. He made me feel like I could always depend on him to make me happy. Like he was the only way for me to feel that happiness. I think that was deliberate. He told me early on (a week after we started talking) he loved me and wanted to marry me, despite barely knowing anything about me.

He’d gotten more disturbing with each discussion and each one made me more scared about if I would be safe around him. I had to tell him I felt exactly like he did (ie I loved him) or that I cared more for him than he did for me or he’d suggest I didn’t care. I also had to describe sex acts that I wasn’t interested in so he could get off. If I said I wasn’t interested in something he would tell me that I would be when we met and that we would do it then.

Our last phone call, he described wanting to choke me during sex. It didn’t sound like kink related choking. It sounded a bit more threatening. I knew I needed to walk away, so I tried to.

A couple of weeks after I first said I was no longer interested in talking to him, he IMed me. I had to explain (again) why I wanted to end our conversations. After I did, he told me that he still felt horny. I told him that knowledge made me uncomfortable. He asked if I would do him a favor and I said yes, even though I wanted to walk away. He wanted me to sext with him one last time. I didn’t want to, but I felt like I owed him something. And I worried that if I didn’t that he would come find me. (I still think that sometimes.) So I briefly did/said what he wanted.

And I cried while I did it.

I finished describing whatever fantasy he wanted me to describe and I wanted to scream and vomit. Ever since my mood has been worse, I want to avoid people more, and I just feel like some part of me broke. I’ve only told my two best friends. I can’t tell my family or the guy I’ve been casually seeing (aka having sex with). They would probably be supportive, but the idea of telling them scares me.

I feel like it’s my fault and that I’m being ridiculous because what happened wasn’t something that physically violated me. I know violating emotional boundaries is still a big deal. I just can’t convince my brain because I feel like what I went through shouldn’t be doing this to me. But it is. And I don’t know what I should do. He didn’t break the law. I’ve blocked him online. I wouldn’t answer any calls and told my parents not to answer his calls if he made them. But there’s not much more I could do.

via Tumblr

Her Pleasure in the Walk

I mentioned the other day that I’ve started walking as exercise.12 I also mentioned that the shoes that I had been wearing to walk were hurting my feet. I have new shoes for walking, but the spot on my foot is hurting a lot of the time. My mom thinks it might be a stress fracture, but I’m trying to go about pretending that it doesn’t really hurt, because I love to be in a state of denial about my health.3 I’ve kept walking. I haven’t walked as much each day. For a couple of days I barely made it past .7 miles.

Today, I ended up walking about 1.5 miles. I almost gave up at around mile 1, but I didn’t. I walked further than I planned on walking because the married dude, that I’ve talked about before, was outside washing his driveway.45 And I did not want to see if he remembered me from my OkCupid profile.6 So I walked further, but I feel better tonight than I did before I walked, so that’s good. And I haven’t even taken anything to make me feel better, so that’s even better.

I may not walk as far tomorrow, or I may split my walk into a few smaller walks. According to Map My Walk, I’ve walked 5.7 miles this week compared to 4.7 last week and 3.9 the week before. I am making progress.

I need to go to bed soon so that I can get up in a few hours and start working on dinner.7


  1. BTW: The title comes from this quote from Jane Austen’s Persuasion:

    Her pleasure in the walk must arise from the exercise and the day, from the view of the last smiles of the year upon the tawny leaves and withered hedges, and from repeating to herself some few of the thousand poetical descriptions extant of autumn–that season of peculiar and inexhaustible influence on the mind of taste and tenderness–that season which has drawn from every poet worthy of being read some attempt at description, or some lines of feeling.

     

  2. Jane Austen’s Persuasion sounds like some kind of cologne being peddled by Jane Austen. 

  3. Also my mom tends to think worst case scenario stuff, so it’s really sort of reasonable on my part to not freak out. 

  4. Why the fuck do people wash their driveway? 

  5. Oh, and the entry that it was is no longer public because the part about the other guy ended up being me jumping to conclusions. And he and I may have plans, but that’s another thing entirely. 

  6. I hope to forget about him and his fascination with my lack of experience. 

  7. Yay for my domesticity. 

Oh, The Dudes You’ll Talk To

On Thursday night, I received a message on OkCupid from a guy that I’ll call S. He was interested in pursuing a friends with benefits relationship, which I told him (on there) that I would need to be friends with him first. He said okay and we started talking on Kik. There were dick pics that were sent to me and I became a bit annoyed by them and by him.

This is the conversation, without pictures, without his name, with the typos/grammatical/spelling errors intact, and with generalized locations, that we had.1 The only real difference is that I’ve included snarky commentary and admitted to mistakes I made in the conversation. Because of the nature of the discussion, if you don’t feel like you can handle certain overly sexual content, then don’t go further.

S: Hi
Me: Hi.
S: My name is S
Me: Hey, S. I’m Janet.
S: Very nice to meet you!!! :)
Me: Nice to meet you, too.
S: So tell me a little about u.
S: Do u have a pic
[S sent a picture of his face with this remark.]
Me: [with a picture of my face] I write. I’m on disability for some health stuff.
S: I’m sorry I hope ur ok
S: Do u want to share
S: Any more pics?
[S sent another picture of his face with this comment. I responded with a picture of me from when I was out on a walk.]
S: Your very pretty.
Me: Thank you. You’re attractive, too.
S: You think so?
Me: Yeah. You’ve got a great smile.
S: Thsnk u so much!!
[S sent another picture of his face.]
S: You have any more pics
Me: You’re very welcome.
[Another picture of my face.]
S: Nice. Do u live in Huntsville
Me: Yeah. You?
S: Yep I live off of —–. You?
Me: Off —–.
S: —–. Is that south parkway
S: Down by —–
Me: Yeah.
S: I do cable so that is my area
Me: Cool
S: Yep it’s a fun job
S: So tell me about u
Me: It’s always good to have a job you enjoy.
Me: There’s not much to know.
S: We’ll me. I’m looking for a fwb for long term. I’m only looking for only 1 woman to do this
Me: Okay. How long term?
S: As long as you want to see me. Totally up to you :) Would I be interested
S: Would u be interested?
S: I’m picking u :)
Me: I might be. I may need to think about it.
S: Have u ever had a fwb
Me: No. I did have NSA sex with a guy once, but it was just the once.
S: Ahh see this would be ongoing. Plus we would be friends. Do u want to see a cock pic to see what ur getting?
S: About 5 times a week2 if u want
S: I have a high sex drive
[Unsolicited dick pic.]
Me: It sounds like you do. I’ve only had the one sexual experience so that’s a lot of sex. Also I have chronic pain and fatigue issues, so I don’t know if I could handle that much sex.
S: We’ll some days we can just do oral on each other because of ur health
S: Do u like the pic?
Me: Yeah. It’s a nice pic.3
S: Is it too big4 or a good size for u
Me: It’s a good size.5
S: So what sexual things us like and don’t like
[Another dick pic.]
Me: I like oral, intercourse, anal. I like being fingered.6
S: I love anal too. Do u like cum? Swallow and or facials.
Me: I swallow. I might be okay with facials. I’m not really sure.7
S: Janet I pick u!!! I have been looking for a woman that does all of that!!!
S: So what do u think Janet.
S: Do u like condoms or no
Me: I’m still not sure how I feel. I prefer condoms.8
S: I’m ddf as we’ll and I got tested two months ago. I’m very clean. What can I do to help u decide??
S: I promise every time we are together you will have an orgasm when I go down on u
S: I’ll eat ur pussy every time. U will cum before I will
Me: I’m glad you’re clean, but I’m not on birth control, thus the condom preference. Just give me a couple of days. Is that okay? It’s a major decision.
S: I can’t have kids.9 :) Besides every time I cum I would like for u to swallow ok
S: It is a major decision. I really want u as my fwb Janet
S: :)
S: Do u like kissing and making out
S: Any questions u have for me
Me: I’ve never actually made out with anyone.10
Me: I don’t think I have any right now.11
S: Really never. I love to kiss. It’s long and passionate. It’s more then just a fuck. It’s love making. U ok with that
Me: Yeah. Never. My first kiss came all of two minutes before a guy went down on me.
S: That’s awful. I’ll make sure we will make out
S: I love pussy juice!!!!12 😀 I meant what I said. Every time we get together I’ll go down and I’ll eat u until u cum. Then I’ll keep going until u come again and agony13
S: And again
S: Deal???
Me: If I say yes14
S: Yes if u say yes. I hope u do. And best part no condoms too 😀
S: Any more pics
Me: Not right now.
S: So no condoms then?15
S: So what music u like
Me: I like most music.
S: Me too but not rap.
Me: I started getting into rap in college.
S: What college
Me: At that point, I was at A&M
S: I went to Alabama. Am tough school
S: What is ur major
Me: At that point, it was Social Work.
S: Ahhhh I majored in computers. Are u still in school
Me: No I had to stop going.
S: How come? Your health.
Me: Yeah.
S: So what health problems do u have
Me: I’ve got something called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I’ve also got issues with depression and anxiety (ptsd, OCD, agoraphobia).
S: Whst is eds
Me: It’s a defect in collagen. It makes my joints unstable and causes other health issues.
S: I’m so sorry. I’ll take it easy on you when we have sex ok
S: What other issues
S: What sexual position can we do that won’t hurt u
Me: Easier bruising. My skin is easier to damage and takes longer to heal. It affects different internal organs in different ways.
Me: I don’t really know which ones will work best. I think it’d be a trial and error thing.
S: Doggie or you on top
S: Would be less painful
Me: I really don’t know. Doggie didn’t hurt before when I did it.
S: How long has it been since u had sex
Me: A month.
S: Are u sexually active?
Me: What do you mean?16
S: Do u have sex a lot?
Me: Just the one day.
S: It has been 3 weeks for me
S: How long has it been before thst
Me: Never before that.
S: You had sex 1 time??
S: Wow so ur real tight then171819
Me: We had sex twice that day.20
S: So u have only had sex twice in ur life
Me: Yes
S: Please be my fwb please21
S: It will be so much fun
S: So what do u think
Me: I still need time to actually think about it.
Me: I need to go. Ttyl?
S: Ok can u tell me tomorrow
Me: Maybe.
S: Reall want get this started. It’s been 3 weeks since I had sex22
S: Good night Janet
Me: Good night S.
S: :) Please give me a great answer. I’ll make it worth ur wild
S: I promise :) Think on it ok
[A few minutes later.]
S: Are u able to host?
Me: No, I can’t host.
S: Hmmmm what do u suggest
S: If ur up for it. I can get us a room tomorrow around 730pn
Me: I don’t know.
S: Could be a lot of fun. We can even showwer together
S: 730-1030pn of great sex
S: Yes no?? I need to plan for tomorrow please
Me: No.
S: Ohhh [Broken heart emoji]23
Me: I’m sorry.
S: It’s fine I understand
S: No need to apologize. Ur just not interested or into me. Take care Janet. [Crying emoji]24
Me: I was interested, but it just felt like you were pushing. I’m a naturally anxious person, but it just was too overwhelming.
S: I was not pushing.25
S: I’ll let you think about it ok26
Me: Okay
S: We can have fun or not. Up to u ok27
Me: Okay.
S: Would u rather have a man pleasure u or ur fingers
Me: I would rather have a man do it.28
S: Ok we’ll I’m a man
S: Lol :)
S: So why can’t u host Janet?
Me: I live with my parents. Why can’t you host?
S: Same29
S: I’ll get us a room30
Me: If I get to the point where I agree, then that might be a good idea.31
S: Ok sounds good. Don’t wait to long ok. I’m looking for only 1. I want it to be u but if someone else comes along and wants a fwb. Then u might lose out ok32
S: We’ll good night Janet

So that was it. That was the conversation. I did make some mistakes during it, but I was very uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to say or do. I can handle flirty conversations, but this didn’t feel flirty. This felt like he was trying to sell me on having sex with him and didn’t care that his presentation was actually making me want to run and hide under a couch somewhere.


  1. I think that I’ve included everything, but I am piecing the conversation together from screen captures I took of it and I may have missed a line or two. 

  2. Chafing could be an issue here. 

  3. I made a mistake saying this. But I was a little uncomfortable with saying that he’d caught me off guard by sending it before I had said I wanted the picture. I also don’t exactly think that the pictures are necessary. Dicks generally look like dicks. I didn’t want to say it was ugly or anything because I know guys can be sensitive about how their junk looks. 

  4. It was not big. 

  5. Size isn’t everything, dude. 

  6. You know, all the things I’m expected to like according to American culture, but that I’m supposed to be ashamed of liking. 

  7. I probably wouldn’t be. 

  8. I am so sick of guys trying to get out of wearing condoms. 

  9. Uh-huh. 

  10. This is true. 

  11. I wanted to know why he would think that I would want to have unprotected sex with someone who can’t spell the word well properly. 

  12. Mott’s should totally corner that market. Or Welch’s. Maybe even Minute Maid. There is money to be made in selling the pussy juice. They could have Nelsan Ellis cast to play Lafayette in the commercials. And can you imagine the FCC’s reaction to the pussy juice commercials? 

  13. Freudian slip? or typo. 

  14. I’m not going to say yes. 

  15. When did I say no condoms? 

  16. I was confused. I’ve been asked if I was sexually active for the last (almost) 20 years by medical professionals and they all were asking if I was a virgin. 

  17. It doesn’t work like that. 


  18.  


  19.  

  20. I was counting intercourse as “sex” in this statement. 

  21. My vagina has gotten it’s unicorn status back apparently. It’s so nice to be seen as nothing but a tight cunt. 

  22. It’s been five weeks for me and you don’t see me getting pushy about it. 

  23. And now I feel guilty. 

  24. And the guilt is turning into disgust. 

  25. Yes, you fucking were. 

  26. That’s what I asked for to begin with, but then you started pushing. 

  27. Uh-huh. 

  28. But not necessarily you. 

  29. I know why I live with my parents. I’m on a fixed income. You have a job. One that could at least pay for rent. Why do you live with yours? 

  30. Maybe you should save up for an apartment. 

  31. I’m rejecting you in the nicest way possible. 

  32. Good luck with that. 

Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re Horny

As someone who hasn’t ever received much attention from guys, the flock of guys that seem to have appeared over the past couple of months is a bit overwhelming by itself. What’s even more overwhelming is that some of them seem to have me on speed-dial or speed-IM when they’re horny. And since I sort of encouraged1 that behavior at the beginning of the whole charade, I’m living with the inundation that has resulted from it.

I get that the idea of being one of the first people to “boldly go where no man has gone before” was exciting for them. I understand that it made me sort of like a unicorn for some guys. But when that’s the only reason that the guys are contacting me, it starts feeling like I’m less of a person and more of a receptacle for their dicks. And I don’t particularly enjoy that feeling, so while I like the idea that they actually find me attractive in some way, shape, or form, I don’t like being treated like I’m just alive for one purpose.

Basically, I want to be treated like a human being. I deserve to be treated as such. I’m not saying that I won’t have sex or that I want the sexual dialogue to go away completely. I just want to be treated like a person, too. I want to talk about my day with someone and hear about theirs. I want to know what makes them tick and what makes them happy, and I want them to want to know those things about me, too.

I need to set boundaries with them. I need to set them with myself. This is my first step toward that.

To the “open marriage” guys, the single dads, and most of the other guys who I have talked to: start treating me like an actual person or go away.2 I deserve better and I’m going to demand better.


  1. This means that I would quickly allow conversations to turn sexual, but I would shut down most guys who attempted to only talk about sex with me. 

  2. Also, to the “open marriage” guys, I really would need a permission slip from your wife. I need to know that you aren’t just lying to me about your relationship. 

To Be Relaxed In Orbit

This is my last week of this round of pool therapy. I don’t know if I will be approved for a second round of 8 appointments yet or not. I hope that I am. I feel much better physically and emotionally since I’ve started doing pool therapy.

I have never gotten this far with any type of physical therapy before, so I’m really amazed by the progress. I think I would benefit from a lot more pool therapy, though. I have a feeling that it will be recommended. The big question is whether or not Humana and Medicaid will approve it.

My mom’s occupational therapy got cancelled on Friday because they didn’t feel that it was justifiable to do it in home. This caused her non-Humana home health nursing to be stopped. It kind of put her in a lurch when it comes to getting her Coumadin levels tested. She needs them done this week, but the UAB nurses won’t do them until she sees a doctor there. And they can’t see her for another couple of weeks. If it weren’t dealing with an issue like blood clots, then it might not be such a big deal to have to wait a few more weeks.

Oh, and I went out with a guy. He was nice and didn’t serial kill me. Aside from the guy who I bought a film SLR camera from on Craigslist a few years ago and the church members I friended on Facebook before I met them in person, this was the first person from the Internet that I have ever met. It was a pretty awesome experience, though I was a little nervous.1 I have this tendency to laugh or giggle from nervous energy, so he may have thought I was slightly wackadoodle for that. I hope he didn’t because I enjoyed spending time with him.


  1. Or a lot nervous. 

Better Days to Come

Remember how excited I was about the date? Yeah, I shouldn’t have been. No, it wasn’t a bad date. It wasn’t an any kind of date. You see, it takes two people to have a date. One person didn’t show up. And the no-show wasn’t me.

Yeah, I got stood up.

On the same night I was accused by an ex-friend1 of being full of myself,23 I got stood up. I knew from friends and pop culture that it was painful, but I didn’t realize just how bad it actually felt. I was humiliated. I felt like everyone around me could tell what was happening. I felt like every bad thing I’d ever been told about myself and every bad thing that I’ve ever felt about myself was true. And I felt ridiculous for feeling that way. This wasn’t some guy that I had secretly pined after. It wasn’t someone I knew or who knew me. It was just some random guy. Sure, he is one of the few guys who has ever told me that I’m attractive, which boosted my self-esteem, but I don’t know him. So it felt silly to be sad over him not showing up.

I was still sad, though.

And pissed.

And I felt like it was my fault that he didn’t show up. Maybe I was too forward asking him out. Maybe he decided that I wasn’t smart enough for him. Maybe he decided I wasn’t pretty enough for him. Or maybe he got to the mall and saw me and left. I kept putting all of the blame on me, but I know that it isn’t really my fault. I showed up. I had some doubts after we agreed on the date, but I showed up. I didn’t know if there was enough between us to matter, but I showed up. I didn’t know if I saw him in person if I would still feel attracted to him, but I showed up. I showed up and he didn’t, so I should blame him.

On a cognitive level, I do.

On an emotional one, I don’t.

I didn’t binge after it happened, and I could have. I definitely could have since the meeting was to take place in the food court of the mall. The food court has a Ben & Jerry’s. I considered going to town on that. I didn’t want to mess with my lactose intolerance, though.4 But I did consider it. I also considered never eating again.5

I didn’t self-injure afterward, and I could have. I won’t say that I didn’t think about it because I did.

I texted, watched some television, took a shower, laughed at things posted on Twitter and Tumblr,6 argued with the ex-friend on Twitter and Facebook,7 and cried.8 I cried until my face burned. I cried until my eyes hurt. I cried and I silently screamed for minutes. And then I went back to my life and tried to move past it.

It sucks to be stood up, but I guess that’s part of dating and part of life. I would just advise people who date that calling to let someone know that you’re not coming is a lot nicer than just leaving them high and dry. I would have felt better knowing that he wasn’t interested than I did in just sitting there feeling like I was defective and ugly and would be alone forever.9 So, I know that if I ever have to bail on someone, I would definitely try to get a hold of them so that they wouldn’t go through that.

But I’m trying not to let this experience keep me from going out more. Hopefully, it won’t. Maybe I should take a little advice from Yoda on this. “Do… or do not. There is no try.”1011


  1. She wasn’t an ex-friend until she decided to out herself as homophobic. 

  2. Because people who have low self-esteem are always full of themselves. 

  3. Also, she called me a “know-it-all”. I’m not a know-it-all. I’m a pedantic and a literalist, but I’m not a know-it-all. There is a difference. Considering that I also have OCD, it makes sense that I would have those issues. 

  4. Don’t wake that sleeping beast unless it’s absolutely necessary. 

  5. I’ve started thinking about that more lately. 

  6. On Tumblr, there was a big discussion of Jesus participating in threesomes. This carried over to Twitter, where I mentioned that there should be a list of the most fuckable portrayals of Jesus. 

  7. Somehow she doesn’t seem to realize that wanting separate levels of civil rights for certain groups = being a bigot. Someone apparently hasn’t learned much about the history of civil rights and oppression, aka the history of the fucking world. 

  8. I cried over the being stood up, not the shitty friend or the lack of fuckable Jesuses in my life. 

  9. When you start pondering what breed of cat to start a crazy cat lady collection with, you know you’ve hit a pretty low spot in your self-esteem. 

  10. Meditate on this I will. 

  11. Much to learn, you still have.