Nana


I was going to call the hematologist today & chickened out. I think I may be putting it off because I’m afraid of moving up the infusions. They actually do kinda scare me—well, the killer headache aspect. But I know I need to go through with them.  I also need to get my hip checked out, which I’ve been saying for months. I don’t know if that would involve going to just the family doctor or the family doctor plus physical therapy and/or an orthopedist. I don’t even know if I would be seeing the same orthopedist. And I don’t know if anything could really be done. It’s either a subluxation or tendinitis. Treatment for either would probably suck, and, until I get the anemia situation under control, I don’t really have the energy to deal with it.  Dad got a letter from the neurologist saying his MRI was normal. To him, that means nothing is wrong and this is all normal age-related stuff.1 But he doesn’t understand that a person can have a 100% normal MRI & still have dementia—even though he and I have gone over that. This week. I don’t know if he has forgotten it or is in denial. I know he doesn’t want the diagnosis to be real, none of us do, but the family doctor and the psychiatrist have both said all signs point to dementia. But we have to accept it because there is nothing that can change that fact.  And since it’s October I’ve started worrying about other things. Ridiculous things. Like that now that Nana is no longer living on her own, and is in the nursing home, do my parents & I have a place to go on Thanksgiving & Christmas? Or do those become just another day for us. I mean technically Christmas has been that way for years—when you don’t have presents & don’t put up decorations, holidays kinda lose their magic. But I don’t know what will happen this year, if my aunt will host, if we’re invited if she does, if we’re going to the nursing home that day, if I try to get everyone in my house to stay awake long enough to watch parades or anything. I just don’t know.  And it’s stupid that I cry about that a lot lately. But I just want one or two good, non-stressful days. I want life to make some kind of sense again.  I just feel lost.  His EEG and Doppler were yesterday and may take a few more days to get results. ↩

Chicken Janet


Seriously, this year has been so unpleasant, and not just because Donald Trump is running for President. With Nana going in the hospital, then the nursing home, dad’s health decline, everyone dying (Connie, Jay, Andrea, Joey), my depression coming out to play, the anemia rearing its ugly head, etc., it’s just been quite yucky.1 But it’s had decent moments. I almost had a paid article on xoJane, which encouraged me to submit more pitches & to start entering my poetry in literary magazines. That hasn’t resulted in any publications yet, but I just started. Besides, I know that most writers get a lot of rejections before they get their first acceptance. My time will come.  I’m sorry I haven’t been writing more. I just feel like shit a lot of the time lately. And it’s hard to encourage yourself to talk about how you feel like shit when you’re feeling that way. I also have started feeling like I’m too self-centered and don’t really give enough attention to the people I care about. I will try to do better.  Sometimes the most childish word is the best. ↩

Ready for This Year to Be Over




As we were working at Nana’s today, I came across a couple of shoe boxes that were full of old pictures. I don’t know who all of the people are or how long it will take for me to add all of the pictures. Most of Granddaddy’s pictures that he took in Hawaii when he served in World War II are in this album. There are also pictures from my childhood, my mom’s childhood, and Nana’s childhood. This album is very image heavy.

Loose Pictures from a Shoebox at Nana’s



These pictures start in the late part of 1984 and go into 1985. They will include my first trip to see my dad’s first cousin Teresa, one of the few gingers in the family and one of the first gingers I ever met, in Atlanta, my first Christmas, and my first birthday.

Our Brown and Gold Album (Baby Pictures)


Today, or, technically, yesterday, I went with my parents to Nana’s house. We had to pack up her angel collection so that the real estate agent will draw up a contract to sell the house. The contract has to be in place within the next week for Nana to qualify for Medicaid. Confused yet? Nana collects angel figurines, vases, and other trinkets. The real estate agent said the angels would make the house creepy and prevent a sale. Apparently, it made the house look like it belonged to a little old lady, which it did, but the prospective buyers would be turned off. So we had to get them out of sight to appease him & any buyers that might start expecting to hear the theme of the Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits. Aunt Barbara or my mom one is going to check in with him now that they’re being packed up. Hopefully, he will give the thumbs up and get the show on the road.  I was worried about how I would feel about going in today, but Aunt Barbara & Uncle Danny had taken down all of the pictures and stuff,1 so it didn’t feel like Nana’s house.2 I know that’s part of why they were supposed to take them down. But it just felt like some place I didn’t belong. And I know I’ll need to grieve over that loss later. But I don’t really have time for that at this point. Life has gone all mad hatter.  We’ll get everything to work out. We have to.  Also per the real estate agent’s request. ↩Even though Granddaddy and she built the house. ↩

A House Is Not A Home