The #cut4zayn “trend” is something I can understand. I don’t mean turning it into a trend. But I understand being upset enough to react in a self-destructive way. I’ve self-injured off-and-on for most of my life.  But the first time I cut myself? It was related to a boyband.  In May of 2000, I had tickets to go to Nashville to see *NSYNC with my dad and Stephanie. I had had a hell of a time getting these tickets. Ticketmaster’s site didn’t work the morning they went on sale. I guess it was overcapacity. I thought I wouldn’t get to go because there were reports that all of the stadiums were sold out. I was disappointed, especially because this was my favorite group and I had missed a chance the previous summer to see their amphitheater tour. I was determined to see them.  I took a chance at Blockbuster a night shortly after the website snafu happened and was able to get the three that way.  The week before the concert, I got in trouble for not cleaning my bedroom. I know. I know. That’s a sort of pathetic thing to get in trouble for, right? Well, I did, and my mom said I wouldn’t be allowed to go to the concert.  In that otherwise forgettable moment, something broke. Like I said, self-injury was not unusual for me, but I’d never done something as serious or dangerous as cutting. Mainly it had been superficial. Even the cutting that night was pretty tame.  But, as superficial as it was, it helped clear my mind.1 I shouldn’t have done it. My mom changed her mind a little while later. I was still allowed to go to the concert. And I had a wound on my leg that I had to take care of and keep hidden because I knew that what I had done would be something that could get negative attention. So I obsessively cleaned it with antiseptic spray, pulled shorts down to cover it or just wore pants, and told no one.  Aside from the cleaning, I did the worst thing you can do after hurting yourself: I hid it. And that led to guilt and stress, which made every little thing in life that much harder to deal with. I didn’t tell anyone until December of that year that I cut. And even after that I kept details quiet. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I shouldn’t have felt that, but I did. Because that’s part of self-injury.  Cutting myself in May 2000 changed a lot about my self-injuring habits. It didn’t change what was really causing the SI, which wasn’t really the concert–just like I suspect Zayn leaving isn’t causing the cutting by the 1D fans. What led to that one bad act for me was a lot more complicated than being kept from a concert. I’m not going to joke about the people who self-harm over Zayn. I’m not going to judge them. I’m going to hope that they get help if they’re serious about wanting to harm themselves. I’m also going to hope anyone who promotes cruelty or mockery over that sort of reaction gets some help.  I’m not saying that as a challenge or as a way to encourage any person to self-harm. ↩

I Get It

Escape (The Piña Colada Song) bothers me. Song Synopsis: The relationship of the couple in the song has become boring and they decide to put out personal ads to find something better. And they find out that they were talking to one another via the personals. They think this is so cool and find out that they didn’t know much about one another. They put these ads out while still in this relationship. There is no mention that they know that they’re seeking a new relationship or that they’re in an open relationship, so that makes them liars and wannabe cheaters. They have a lot of things that they don’t know about each other. Clearly they have communication issues. I don’t know if it’s that they just don’t tell one another stuff or that they don’t trust the other person. If they’re willing to cheat on their SO and to be cool with having the other person cheat on them, then I would think that it’s the lack of trust. WHY. ARE. THEY. STILL. IN. THIS. RELATIONSHIP?! via Tumblr

Unpopular Opinion: The Piña Colada Song

When I got online this afternoon, I saw that “Lester” left 2 comments on the Facebook page about the Op-Ed by Marc E. Angelucci on the conference in Detroit. My response to his two postings got to be a little wordy, so I thought that I would post it here. Hi. You don’t know me, but you decided to share your link on my Facebook page for my blog. Perhaps you thought that this would enlighten me or sway me to your side of this discussion. It won’t. I don’t like MRAs and I have a very good reason for this. You see, despite what the movement claims, no actions are really taking place within it to improve the lives and rights of men. Most of what goes on is bashing of women, declaring us to be misandrists; telling male feminists that they’re playing for the wrong team or that they are emasculating themselves. Basically, a lot of bullying and very little actual activism, which sucks because there are a lot of issues that impact men that deserve to be advocated for. In the Op-Ed, Angelucci suggested that people who paint MRAs in a negative light were ignorant. I can assure you that this is not true. In a lot of cases the people who criticize the movement are actually very aware of what has been said and what has been done. When MRAs are called misogynists, it’s because they are. When Chris Brown attempted to kill Rihanna and she decided to file charges against him, it was the National Coalition for Men (which Angelucci states he is the Vice President of) that decided that it should criticize Rihanna for speaking up against Brown. It was also the National Coalition Men that declared that their support would go to a GOP backed version of Violence Against Women Act, which would have empowered abusers not victims. H.R. 4970 was not only anti-women, it was also homophobic and would have denied rights to gay males who were victims of domestic and sexual violence. The Senate version of the bill (S. 1925) would have protected all victims of domestic violence. This makes his group hypocritical with regard to concern for the rights of all men. Now, with regard to the actual conference, I refuse to change my opinion on a conference that has speakers who have advocated or been apologists for abuse. Warren Farrell “When I get my most glowing positive cases, 6 out of 200, the incest is part of the family’s open, sensual style of life, wherein sex is an outgrowth of warmth and affection. It is more likely that the father has good sex with his wife, and his wife is likely to know and approve — and in one or two cases to join in.” “First, because millions of people who are now refraining from touching, holding, and genitally caressing their children, when that is really a part of a caring, loving expression, are repressing the sexuality of a lot of children and themselves. Maybe this needs repressing, and maybe it doesn’t. My book should at least begin the exploration, Partial scan of the issue. “Second, I’m finding that thousands of people in therapy for incest are being told, in essence , that their lives have been ruined by incest. In fact, their lives have not generally been affected as much by the incest as by the overall atmosphere. My book should help therapists put incest in perspective.” “The average incest participant can’t evaluate his or her experience for what it was. As soon as society gets into the picture, they have to tell themselves it was bad. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.” “Incest is like a magnifying glass, in some circumstances it magnifies the beauty of a relationship, and it others it magnifies the trauma.” “Most women’s ideal is to not be sexual until nine conditions are met: physical attraction; respect; emotional compatibility; intelligence; singleness; success (or potential ); being asked out; being paid for; and the man risking rejection by initiating the first kiss…. Men want sex as long as only one condition is met—physical attraction.” “In San Diego there is a highly popular course called How to Marry Money. Note that the marriage is to money–not to a person. I inquired about the percentage of men attending… ‘The course is really for women,’ [the instructor replied,] ‘it’s not relevant to men.'” “When men give lines, women learn to not trust men. When women wear makeup, men learn to not trust women. Male lines and female makeup are divorce training.” “When divorces meant marriage no longer provided security for a lifetime, women adjusted by focusing on careers as empowerment. But when the sacrifice of a career met the sacrifices in a career, the fantasy of a career became the reality of trade-offs. Women developed career ambivalence.” “From the male perspective, when commitment is associated with diamonds and mortgages, promises of love can feel like promises of payment.” “When women are at the height of their beauty power and exercise it, we call it marriage. When men are at the height of their success power and exercise it, we call it a mid-life crisis.” “We have forgotten that before we began calling this date rape and date fraud, we called it exciting.” “Women attempt suicide more often because they want to become the priority of those they love rather than always prioritizing them.” “Unemployment to a man is the psychological equivalent of rape to a woman.” “Minimizing the role of sexual attraction in rape denies our responsibility for reinforcing men’s addiction to female sexual beauty and then depriving men of what we’ve helped addict them to.” “Feminism has taught women to sue men for sexual harassment or date rape when men initiate with the wrong person or with the wrong timing; no one has taught men to sue women for sexual trauma for saying “yes,” then “no,” then “yes.” … Men [are] still expected to initiate, but now, […]

Look, “Lester”, I’m Allowed to Support #NoMRA