Safe-Wording

I opened a FetLife account one night almost two years ago. I won’t link to it here or explain why I joined. I will say I quit using it not long after because of behavior, unrelated to kinks, by some users that I found alarming. Before tonight, I had only signed in to stop receiving regular emails from groups I had at one time thought might interest me. Since that time, I had not signed in, nor had I thought about signing in.1

Tonight, though, tonight I signed in and deactivated my account there.2

On my FetLife account, I do not recall ever linking to this or any other blog I have ever used. I was warned about maintaining anonymity by a user that I once knew from church.  34 I didn’t use images where I could be easily identified. I didn’t use any identifying nicknames. I used my first name once, but no more than that. I’ve also never linked to my FetLife account on any social media or on here. 

I’m stating this because I felt, I don’t even know how to describe it, when I got a notification of a private message. The subject line was “Hello Janet” and the body of the message was: 

Hi. You have a very interesting net presence. Your blog shows that you think deeply about a lot of things. Let me know if you’d like to chat some time and see if we can have a conversation that interests you. 

I’m guessing that whoever wrote this is probably reading this right now. That creeps me out. It has taken me a long time to feel truly comfortable talking about my life here or anywhere. And now it feels like that comfort, that ability to express myself freely has been taken from me. I don’t appreciate that. I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable talking about myself on here. I shouldn’t have to worry about how a total stranger managed to track my blog down from the one time I slipped up and used my first name. I shouldn’t have to worry about what all that stranger might have been trying to find out about me. 

I guess I do have way to describe how I feel. 

I’m scared. 

I’m disgusted. 

I’m absolutely fucking pissed off. 

I understand that we as a society Google everyone and everything. I understand that privacy is something that barely exists in today’s world. But I also understand that this was something that should not have happened. This was too much for me.

I tried so hard to maintain anonymity because I felt that would keep me safe. This ripped away any safety I might have felt on there, on here. 

I’m out of FetLife. For now. Possibly for good. 

Photo credit: breathtakingly via VisualHunt / CC BY-NC-ND


  1. I hadn’t wanted to sign in. I like who I’m currently involved with and feel happier with them than I ever thought possible. I don’t talk about this person or what we do on here because I want to maintain his privacy. 

  2. I had to reset the password to do so. 

  3. Who knew Mormons could be kinky? 

  4. He is part of why I quit the site. I found him on a dating app, but didn’t know who he was—he didn’t include a picture—but I thought his profile sounded interesting. He knew the whole time who I was. When he finally told me, I pulled away. I didn’t particularly like him before the encounter. I liked him less after, especially considering I met him while I was doing my prospective member lessons before I was baptized. That lesson was done at the apartment he shared with his then-wife and his son. We had a history that I didn’t want to relive.  After I made it clear that I didn’t have an interest in engaging in anything with him, he started popping up on other websites I used saying how surprised he was to run into me on them. He accused me, in jest, of stalking him. 

Retribution: Win Or Lose

As children, most of us learn that winning isn’t everything and that we need to be gracious regardless. It can be hard to understand how to express oneself in a gracious way after any competition. It can be especially hard if someone who is held with high regard or is seen as an authority figure encourages bad behavior. When that person throws insults at people who he dislikes or who challenge him, you insult them to appease him. When he says he wants someone punched in the face, you might actually punch them in the face. When that person tells a group that he will pay their legal fees if they hurt someone for him, you might think he will have your back if you do something illegal. People don’t always behave rationally when egged on by their idol. 

After Donald Trump lost in Utah, his fanbase immediately started talking about how Mormons conspired to make him lose the state. Tonight, a more prominent Trump fan started stirring that pot by pontificating about why a Mormon state like Utah would turn its back on Trump & vote for Ted Cruz. This was all other fans needed to see to begin their anti-Mormon tweets. 

I saw one in particular who felt the need to suggest Mormons are child molesters. He was talking about the FLDS1 cult and I pointed this out. At first, he seemed to be interested in learning the differences. I thought that maybe he was a confused, but decent person. 

I. Was. Wrong. 


 

I was so very wrong.

I understand politics can bring out passionate reactions in some, but that doesn’t excuse this. Nothing can. Being me, of course I blamed myself at first. You see, I was on a Twitter account I had created to show that Trump is not really distinguishable from certain public figures and fictional characters. It was a bit of entertainment for me. So my thought as I read that I deserved “to be raped by several men for God” was that I had brought this on myself. Luckily, that thought was quickly discarded as I remembered that I was not the one making a threat or encouraging the threats. 

I mainly blame this user. I also blame Donald Trump. I blame every person who has amplified Trump’s hateful rhetoric. I blame people who don’t challenge Trump. I blame the people who look the other way on the threats and violence by Trump supporters. We haven’t randomly gotten to a point where these threats are made. This has been building since Trump announced his candidacy. Maybe even before that.

But it has to stop. 

Trump’s threat of riots if he isn’t nominated will likely come true. If people like this guy are inspired by Trump, we are in a world of hurt. No matter whether he gets the nomination or wins in November, the hate in the hearts of people like this user has been awakened. And it won’t just go away.

 

It doesn’t help that many turn a blind eye to these threats of retribution. I asked in an LDS group on Facebook for people with Twitter accounts to report this user.2 Well, a user seemed to think this was an odd request.3 I explained my reasoning & pointed out that this isn’t just some random rude comment about or to a single person. This person is threatening millions of people. That’s a big deal. 

Donald Trump needs to get it across to his followers that they should behave like adults. I guess he will have to learn how to act like one first, though. He needs to say the threats and violence should stop, but then he’d have to stop inciting both.

Americans need to work together to stop this hateboner crowd from completely demolishing this country, its laws, and its freedoms. There is no excuse for allowing Trump or his followers to continue to encourage hatred & violence. There is no excuse for a candidate who inspires his followers to threaten rape or murder. 

Speak up and speak out to end this retribution game. 

Photo credit: ♥ ella minnow peas ♥ via Visual Hunt / CC BY-SA


  1. The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints 

  2. I know that Twitter sometimes acts more quickly on threats and abuse if multiple people report the behavior. 

  3. Even if the threats are just some random asshole being an asshole, the first response to these threats should not be, “Well, what do you expect me to do about this?” It should be obvious what you should do. 

A Latter-Day Tragedy – Suicide Over Masturbation

A Latter-Day Tragedy – Suicide Over Masturbation

Different Types of Courage

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

The easiest thing to do when you disagree with ideas promoted by LDS Church members and by the church itself is to leave. It’s what I did. There were a lot of reasons that I went inactive within the church, but one was that I found myself feeling more and more uncomfortable with what was being promoted. I admire Kate Kelly and John Dehlin for feeling able to stand up to the church and continue to go there while being threatened with disciplinary actions, including excommunication.

I don’t think I will be going back any time soon. There are certain things that happened while I was active that I never felt comfortable with, as well as things that happened before I was a member that made me feel funny.

  • Right after my mom joined, some members tried to pressure her into getting me to join. Because she didn’t, she faced some ostracism.
  • When Stephanie was baptized, I wore a dress that may have been a little low-cut. I was 16 and a non-member. It didn’t show anything off, but there were comments about it.
  • When I was doing my interview with a missionary and had to answer questions to determine my readiness, some of the questions included my chastity and if I’d had an abortion or helped someone else to get one. I hadn’t had sex and I decided that being adamantly pro-choice didn’t count toward helping someone get an abortion, but the questions made me feel funny.
  • I was told within weeks of joining that I was basically bastard-born because my parents weren’t sealed in the temple. They were married. My mom converted to the church when I was about 10. My dad never did. According to the church, my birth is illegitimate.
  • At an Institute lesson, within weeks of my joining, we were taught that any person who questions the church’s teachings in any way is like gangrene. They’re a gangrenous limb that can be cut off. It made me feel like I had no way of learning about the church. This man also said people who watch horror films are more touched by “the Adversary”, aka Satan; he also said that women’s positions as mothers made them equal to men in their roles as Priesthood holders.
  • Another of his fun teachings, that is actually church doctrine, is that if you have to choose between paying for your medicine or groceries and paying your monthly tithing, you should always pick tithing because Heavenly Father will always provide for you if you do this. Technically, if you pay the tithing, the Church is supposed to help you get by with aid programs. They don’t always do that. And if they do help, it isn’t without even more strings.
  • On the way to a regional (though not our region) YSA conference, shortly after crossing into Tennessee, the co-rep for the Stake’s YSA started calling Barack Obama “Korihor”–aka a Mormon anti-christ.1 The other people in the car agreed with her. Because of her position of power and my tendency in non-internet social situations to be extremely quiet, I just sat and listened to them.
  • I was told that if I really believed in God and in the Church that my mental and physical health problems would be miraculously cured.
  • When friends were talking about homosexuality being unnatural, I said that they were wrong. I brought up that I had 1 guinea pig that had been gay and 1 that had been bisexual, so I knew that homosexual behavior was a natural thing. I was told that was inappropriate to talk about. It seemed odd that it was okay to talk about it being unnatural, but it was horrifying for me to say it was normal.
  • At that same conversation, these two friends were talking about the upcoming election. This was at Halloween 2008. They were talking about how one’s sister had told her class that she supported McCain and had heard little support for Obama. They were talking about how it was nice that so many people in the area were Republicans. They didn’t even know any Democrats. This was when I told them that I was actually a Democrat. They said that wasn’t popular in the church and I should consider changing parties.
  • At the dance, the same member2 who had called Obama “Korihor” was in a costume that seemed to include blackface. She said it wasn’t, but it was pretty clear that she had blackened her face and taken on a costume of an underprivileged person so she could promote some pretty anti-black feelings. I contemplated talking to someone about her doing this at a church dance, but I knew that with the conservative leanings of local Mormons that I might be the one who would be disciplined for not respecting the leader of the group I was under.3
  • At 2 Break the Fast meals for the Ward’s YSA, there was some political discussion going on. Yet again when I just mentioned supporting another party, the discussion was shifted without any acknowledgement that I said anything.
  • At a combined session of Relief Society and Priesthood, which rarely happens, the wife of the then First Counselor of the Church went on a little rant about how we needed to be especially good about building up our Food Storage because Obama had been elected.
  • After giving a lesson on tolerance during FHE for the group’s YSA, I was unfriended by blackface girl. I also saw that she (and other YSA people) had “Facebook flair” that said gingers had no souls. Though I knew the reference was a South Park one, it felt a little personal.
  • On Internet postings by Ward and Stake members in 2008 and 2012, people threatened to leave the country or suggested that the world was going to end because Obama was elected. Anytime he’s said something they don’t agree with, which is pretty regularly, they say this again.
  • On the way home from the Valentine’s Dance in 2009, some of the male YSA members were talking about how people who believe in Evolution are stupid. Since this was another social situation and since I was at least an hour from home, I kept my mouth shut. It was one of the last times I did anything with YSA.

And then there’s been the guilting of my mom, dad, and I to come to church so that we could get aid. The bishop wasn’t amused once when my non-member father and I came without my mom one day when she was too sick to come. He also won’t even call back or answer the phone most times when my mom has tried to call him. We have visiting teachers that don’t come visit, but contact us through the mail, and we don’t even know the names of our home teachers because they haven’t bothered to let us know who they are in years.4

The attitudes of the people I was around are part of what made me feel more agnostic in terms of spirituality. When you are constantly faced with people claiming to be “of God” participating in behavior that condemns or mocks minorities and that doesn’t allow for dissent or for questions, it makes the idea of a God existing seem kind of ridiculous. Before this, I could think of every scientific thing (The Big Bang, Evolution) as God-like actions and would combine religion with science. Now, I have a hard time accepting religion as something good at all. I try to stand up for religions still, but when it comes to being a part of one, I don’t want to ever again. And that’s something that I really think is a result of what I encountered in the Church.


  1. Comparing him to an anti-christ figure was especially hard for me because it triggered some of the Schizoaffective thinking. 

  2. Whose personal hero that year was Sarah Palin. 

  3. Basically, I knew that in the eyes of some in the church, I would be an apostate for suggesting a leader was racist. 

  4. Even when I was active. 

“one of my friends who’s been involved in OW as a BYU student was just threatened with the “resign or…”

“one of my friends who’s been involved in OW as a BYU student was just threatened with the “resign or else” ultimatum by her old stake president (who will personally reside over the process in a far away city).

Her, and others like her, will likely face excommunication quietly in the eclipse of more notorious individuals like JD and KK.

Normally I’d include some sort of quip here, but this speaks volumes by itself.”

June purge extending to byu students : exmormon
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Update 2 on Silencing Dissent

mmmqimmedat:

liberallogic101:

mmmqimmedat:

janersm:

mmmqimmedat:

Update for this post: It took a while for him to respond, but he eventually did. When are people going to realize that past revelations within the church seem to happen at pretty coincidental times?

Once again feminists using third world incidents for their first world bullshit. Take your asses over to India, Iraq, Kuwait, and more. Go fight over there; that’s where your silly ass movement is actually needed.

What the fuck are you even talking about? This had no mention of third world events. It’s discussing the rights to access the priesthood within the context of a particular religion.

Please

No rebuttal? Please.

My rebuttal as usual is “dyke”

Ah. Yes. I support women having access to priesthood in a religion I grew up around and eventually joined, so this makes me a dyke. Way to combine a lack of information about the topic at hand with some sexism and homophobia. Thumbs up. Stellar job. Maybe next time you could call me a baby killer or some other stereotype you have about women who don’t believe that they should be subjugated because of their sex/gender.

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