Tag: Klonopin


Loser Like Me

14
May

My mom wants to start couponing.  She doesn’t want to do it with as much “passion” as the neurosis-filled Extreme Couponing, but she is very interested in doing it.  Of course, this could be an idea that she has that just goes away once she has a new idea.  (If you think I’m bad about picking up new projects and dumping them, then you should know that I am nowhere near as bad about it as my mom.)

Mom has been a lot more incoherent lately.  I think it may have to do with either the cause of the tremors that she’s experienced or it may be happening because of the treatment she has to use for the tremors.  I was “helping” her do her medicine last night and I saw how many psychoactive and anticonvulsant medications (Topamax, Lamictal, Lyrica, and Klonopin) she is on.  I know that she needs to be on them, but I have to wonder if they’re having some kind of ill-effect on her system.  Admittedly, she’s been on more of them in the past than she is now, but her body has been through a lot–especially as of late.  Her memory gets fried a lot more easily now and she jokes that she thinks she has Alzheimer’s.  I don’t think that’s it, and I really hope that it isn’t since I don’t want our family to go through that illness again.  I’ve told her that she needs to go to a neurologist, but she doesn’t seem to think its that serious.  She can’t walk half the time, she has nonsensical babbling spells, she has the tremors, and she has the memory issues–I think any one of those would be a good reason to go see a neurologist and doing all four just seems like it would definitely merit a trip to see a specialist.  Maybe she’ll change her mind.

I want her to find out what’s going on sooner than later.  I know that a lot of things are more easily fixed if the person gets help in the earlier stages.  Besides, with the (somewhat rapid) progression of the problems, it seems like she could be endangering herself too much if she waits much longer.  Maybe I’m just being too much of a worrywart, but I think this is something she should get checked out now.  I want her to know what it is.  I want to know what it is.  I want it to be fixable and I want it to be fixed.

Comment » | Family, Mental Health, Purchases, Sickness and Health

The Weighty Issues

22
March

We have all experienced some form of discrimination in our lives. I’ve learned, though, that people have this tendency to just accept certain forms as being okay, while they will be ready to “cut a bitch” on others. For example, in Jenn’s entry on weight discrimination, she had some fairly good points, but most people seized on the opportunity to tell her off because she made some generalizations. Oddly, in their comments, they generalized or, in so many words, accused some people of exaggerating what goes on in their lives.

For a little over 10 years now, I have been on a fairly constant stream of psychiatric medication. Now, while I was obese before taking the medicine, my weight skyrocketed on it. In the first year, I gained over 50 pounds. Later, I lost the weight after I had gastric bypass, only to start gaining again after certain medications were added into the mix. A combination of medication-induced hyperthyroidism, the removal of said medicine from my treatment, and the addition of a mood stabilizer [Depakote] at a dose that caused concern for everyone who saw it, except the psychiatrist, seemed to contribute to the regain. I kept telling the doctors that I was gaining weight because of medicine. No matter what doctor I saw, the doctor would say that the gain couldn’t possibly be related to the medicines. They would accuse me of being in denial of how much I was eating, much like this comment. Sometimes, I would doubt myself and think that they might just be right.

When I quit taking Risperdal a while back, I stopped gaining weight. A few times, I would lose the weight, except when I would be close to my period. In the past year, my weight has pretty much stabilized. I have taken 1 form of psychiatric medicine, Effexor, and I have stayed within a limited (20 pounds, which is my general weight gain amount prior to my periods) weight gain & loss range. My eating has stayed about the same, with me only eating more on very rare occasions. So, I would say that that would be fairly good evidence for the cause of the weight gain being related to my medicine and not me gorging on Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos. (I’ve never had either, btw.)
And, as I pointed out in my response to Angel‘s comment regarding any possible studies linking a difference in treatment with weight, there actually has been at least one.  A group of Johns Hopkins researchers actually did a study that was reported on in ScienceDaily.  The study reported that, “In a group of 238 patients, each 10-unit increase in BMI was associated with a 14 percent higher prevalence of low patient respect.”  Now, this might just be something that applies to doctors, but I have a feeling that it might also apply to some people who work in non-medical fields.

I know that when I was at a skinnier weight, my mom had a sales person almost refuse to let her buy a pair of size 12 jeans for me because they could tell that my mother wasn’t that small.  This wasn’t at some high fashion store.  It was at Walmart in a state with an extremely high rate of obesity.  You would think there would be less judgment in a Walmart.  Of course, I’ve written about disrespect at Walmart, when my mom was pretty much laughed at because she asked for assistance and refused to get a wheelchair cart/scooter for her.  (I know that a lot of people have a bit of a preconceived notion about obese people who use scooters, but my mother didn’t have the strength in her ankle to walk and [a month later] had broken the other ankle because of the lack of strength in her bones.)

And for those who say that the cause of the difference of treatment is related to self-esteem, I must say this.  I hate that kind of statement.  People claim that low self-esteem leads to people being more disrespectful, which I think is shit.  I have a poor body image, but my self-esteem probably borders on too high sometimes.  While a person might hate the way that they look, it doesn’t mean that that person is suffering from some great amount of self-hatred.  A lot of us grew up learning that we are more than our outward being.  My shell may be ugly, but that doesn’t mean that I think I’m unworthy of respect.  And saying that a lack of self-respect might warrant a lack of respect from folks who work in retail is utter crap.  If a customer walks into your store, it is your job to be nice to them.  Even if you think they are ugly, smell bad, have bad hair, talk funny, etc., you are supposed to service them in the same way that you would service someone who is more to your liking.  You don’t get to pick and choose who you’re nice to.  As an employee at a retail store, you become the face of the company and you really do not want to represent the company as being snobbish.  Why? Blog entries could be written, tweets could be made, but more importantly, the business might lose (potential) repeat customers and you might lose your job.

None of us will ever know what any other person goes through on a daily basis.   None of us would really want to know it either.  We can’t walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, and we shouldn’t judge them based on their circumstances either.

Comment » | +internet friends, General, Internet, Mental Health, Purchases, Rants, Sickness and Health

Work All Day, Sleep All Night

23
November

The day after the D&C, I was back to cooking dinner again. Mom is still struggling to get around, and his royal highness couldn’t be bothered to quit playing Farmville long enough to cook dinner. Admittedly, a D&C isn’t really major surgery. (Though, when I had what was considered major surgery, I went through the same stuff.) This time he was a little bit perkier since he didn’t have to wake up in the middle of the night to take me for surgery.

I had the sore throat I complained of for a couple of days. My temperature was borderline-high over that weekend, but I figured I just had a cold. I was sleeping as much as I possibly could, because I was completely wiped out and because I just felt really bad.

Then, on Monday, I had to see my new (old) psychiatrist. She was the one that I had seen in 2007 at the infamous appointment. She was really nice, and was asking me some basic questions. She needed to know why I’d left the last psychiatrist. (I said I didn’t feel comfortable with her. I didn’t mention that I didn’t appreciate the old psychiatrist insulting me.) She had a nurse practitioner in on the appointment. She didn’t ask if it was okay, and I guess I could’ve asked the nurse practitioner to please leave. I didn’t, though. The psychiatrist asked what medicines I was on. I told her just the Effexor, but I hinted at some of the older medicines. My mom wanted me to see if I could be put back on anxiety medicines, partially to control my tachycardia episodes. I mentioned being on Klonopin, but didn’t push it. Around the time I mentioned it, I had broken out in a sweat and felt like I was about to fall over. I pretty much struggled to get through the rest of the (brief) appointment and then trudge out to the cart in the cold, wet November rain. We had to go get dog food (because we’d run out and it would’ve inconvenienced my dad to come back) and pick up medicine from the pharmacy (again, so he wouldn’t be inconvenienced). By the time we got home, and I could finally figure out if I had a fever or what, it was about 5:30 (past the time when any doctor around here will answer their phone) and my temperature was 100.1°F (37.8°C). I chugged some ice water, took 2 Tylenol, and rested on ice. Thus began a week of sleeping, Tylenol, and icing myself down. (I kept forgetting to call the doctor.)

I slept a lot. I was sleeping so much that I was waking up with horrible pains in my hip/back area, and I eventually decided that I was going to have to sleep in shorter intervals. So, I slept about 3-4 hours at a time, which helped the pain some. It didn’t help the sickness or the fever.

I was going to call the gynecologist yesterday, but I slept through office hours yesterday, and ended up calling today. When I called today, I was told that it would be sometime in the second week of December before they could see me. So, I’m going back for my re-check then.

I’m hoping the weird sleep and fever will get better. It shouldn’t continue that long, should it? And hopefully, by then, the period, the one that had gone away and has now come back, might be less flow-y and clot-y, except that it’s me and that’s how mine roll. Gotta think positive, right?

Oh, and one last thing, has anyone seen Jonna (aka Jojo from plinsessa/hellfrozenrain/bubblecandy). It’s been around 2 months since I’ve heard anything from her. I was wondering how she’s doing.

Comment » | Alabama A&M, Family, Friends, Internet, Mental Health, Sickness and Health

Brittany Murphy’s Drug List

8
February

Brittany Murphy’s death has been ruled as being due to pneumonia with drug intoxication. A lot of talk has been made about the different things that she had in her house, though no one knows which ones she was actually using off the list.

According to the notes, the medications included Topamax (anti-seizure meds also to prevent migraines), Methylprednisolone (anti-inflammatory), Fluoxetine (depression med), Klonopin (anxiety med), Carbamazepine (treats Diabetic symptoms and is also a bipolar med), Ativan (anxiety med), Vicoprofen (pain reliever), Propranolol (hypertension, used to prevent heart attacks), Biaxin (antibiotic), Hydrocodone (pain med) and miscellaneous vitamins.

I probably have some of those right now. I don’t always clear out my med bucket. In the past 2 years, I’ve been prescribed the Topamax, predisone (similar to methylprednisolone), Klonopin, Biaxin, and Hydrocodone. I’ve still got Biaxin, even though it doesn’t work. I got rid of the Topamax, since I was allergic, as well as the Hydrocodone. I finished off the Klonopin, using it in the same basic way that Brittany was likely using Propanolol. (Klonopin works well for people who have certain dysautonomic problems, i.e. Mitral Valve Prolapse, trouble regulating their body’s internal systems, etc.) I’ve also probably got about about 6-10 other drugs in there that I haven’t gotten rid of, stomach stuff and migraine pills. However, right at this moment, I take 2 meds: Effexor and Flonase. If I mess up and take too many Effexors (I take 2 150′s a day), I could technically die of an accidental drug overdose because people with dysautonomia have strange reactions to drugs. (For example, my allergy to pretty much any drug I take more than once.)

2 comments » | General, Sickness and Health

So Simple

30
July

I’ve been trying to write this for a long time, and Leslie’s loss just really encouraged me to, even though my experience isn’t really addiction and isn’t as serious. It reminds me why I need to stay away from my “happy pills”.

In seventh grade, I became the clumsiest girl in the world. I was never a good athlete, though I had previously done well in volleyball and soccer and was a fairly good dancer. Around a year after I quit actively pursuing dance, I began actively falling on my butt and spraining my ankles repeatedly. Then I hurt my knees and found out about the chondromalacia. The doctors felt sorry for me so they started with Tramadol one time, and when that didn’t work, they tried Darvocet. The Darvocet was great for a while, but eventually, I was taking it for the feeling it gave me and not the pain relief. (Let’s face it, Darvocet does nothing for pain.) I took it, and I would run out. I wasn’t really enterprising so I didn’t go searching for more. I was “lucky” because I would get hurt again almost as soon as I ran out, and I would get another prescription for Darvocet. This went on for a while. I quit actually physically feeling like I needed the meds, but I still kept taking them. I was taking the SAT (the kid one, not the college prep one) in 8th grade and I started getting really sick. My body was having a bad reaction to the amount of Darvocet I took. Not something serious, mainly rebound pain and nausea type stuff. So, I switched to Tylenol.

Tylenol got me through the rest of eighth grade, taking extra strengths regularly…to sleep and to ensure that nothing bad happened while I was at school. Yes, I know, it sounds like a whole panic attack type-OCD thing, and mostly the Tylenol was like a security blanket. It held me in place while I went through school. It kept me from feeling like my world was falling apart. And with the right other medication that I would take, it would guarantee me the perfect night’s sleep. Then, in tenth grade, my mom realized how much Tylenol we were burning through every month or so. (We’d get the huge bottles of extra strengths that Equate makes.) Tylenol was no longer allowed in the house.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out in the summer between 10th and 11th grades. They were deeply impacted. I ended up being put on Lortab 5′s, I think. Well, they worked, but not well enough…so my mom gave me the next highest dose, since she had some of those from some problem she’d had. Those worked a little better and I found that they made me happy. For someone who hadn’t been happy in years, this was a very important discovery. I began not only trying to rid myself of the pain, I began trying to chase the happiness. We ran out of those, but I think there was like one more higher dose of that particular drug in the house and I used it up quickly. The only left was Oxycodone, which my dad had been prescribed for his kidney stones. He only used it once because it knocked him on his ass. I tried it, and not only was my pain finally completely gone, it made me feel the happiest I had ever felt in my life. I felt like I could do anything. It made me feel free. I took those until I ran out. I then went back to my oral surgeon, asking for something…telling him, I needed something. He wouldn’t give me anything. He refused. I was distraught. If I had been enterprising, I probably could have gotten a hold of something that would have brought back my happy feeling, but I started to realize I was losing something in myself. I realized that my desire for this happiness was odd, since I’m one who rather enjoys her long bouts of melancholy. I just let it go, though I would hope every time I went in to see a doctor with some ache or pain that I would get Lortabs or Oxycodone…or if I had a cough/bronchitis, I would hope for Tussinex. (It’s good, trust me…doesn’t help that the stuff tastes like candy.)

I can’t take pain killers anymore, but not because of my realization of this unhealthy happiness seeking behavior…I became allergic to hydrocodone. I could still take Darvocet, but it does even less now than it used to. I sometimes will take Tramadol when I’m in pain, and it buzzes me a little, but I don’t take it for that reason. I do misuse my old Klonopin so that I can sleep. I also take Tylenol or Percogesic every night to make sure I sleep.

The oddest thing about the whole thing is that when I didn’t need the pain killers every day, I felt like I could take them forever. Now, with all the crap that I’ve been told is wrong with me, I need pain relief…and there’s nothing I can take.

I know it’s not an addiction, and I’m thankful that I’m not addicted. I just have an unhealthy desire to take certain things. I know to try to avoid them. That can be difficult, but it can be done.

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Anger Issues?

6
May

I found out a gem of a comment that my (former) psychiatrist wrote in my chart after my first visit with him. Apparently, in that one session where he was supposed to do a quite long and intensive psychiatric evaluation, he spent 5 minutes with me and determined I had anger issues and severe anxiety. Given that I have a pretty good memory of the session, since this was before I was on Risperdal, all I can really recall is me giving a brief rundown of how bad my depressive symptoms were, telling him I needed a better anti-psychotic, and that I was wanting to come off of the Depakote since I had gained so much weight on it. He had put me on Effexor and Risperdal, then told me I could come off the Depakote because I was “on too much medicine”. (I was on the Depakote, Klonopin, Effexor, and Risperdal.) He then sent me on my way, only billing for a med check.

According to my therapist, in the next session he claimed to do a psych evaluation, which is crap because he never spends more than 5 minutes with me. He always tells me I’m on too much medicine. He ignores me when I tell him which symptoms are worse, and tries to get me to up my Klonopin, even though I’ve told him that I can no longer take it because it knocks me out. (Besides that, I don’t feel I need it because I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack in almost a year.)

He also said that I had the symptoms for Borderline Personality Disorder (which I had previously been diagnosed for, but I did not tell him I was experiencing any of the symptoms for it at the time of any of the appointments) and I guess this is his justification for not paying attention to my ACTUAL problems. Ugh. I didn’t really have any anger issues towards him until I found out about him going through my old parts of my chart to come up with his present diagnosis. Hasn’t he ever heard of actually doing the work himself? Yes, it takes a while to do a psych eval, but it was in his schedule and he would have been somewhat compensated for it.

2 comments » | Mental Health, Rants

     

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