Humor


I like to play hashtag games. They give me an opportunity to pun around. Some go over better than others. Imagine Grand Dragons #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 Iron and Cheap Wine #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 Pussy Grabbing Dolts #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 Cheap Dick #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 Racist Inside the Machine #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 Orange 1 #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 The Swamp Brothers #TrumpInauguralBands http://pic.twitter.com/Nkb6oP0D07 — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 System of a Clown #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 Vota Suppression #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 4OH!4 #TrumpInauguralBands — Janet Morris (@janersm) November 25, 2016 Tweets by others in the hashtag: The Orange Man Group#TrumpInauguralBands — Craig Rozniecki (@CraigRozniecki) November 25, 2016 Sir Lie-a-Lot#TrumpInauguralBands — Craig Rozniecki (@CraigRozniecki) November 25, 2016

My veins suck. They have all kinds of structural issues and when combined with my chronic dehydration and other chronic health issues, they don’t like to play well with needles. I don’t expect blood draws to go smoothly. I’ve learned over the years that most phlebotomists (and some other medical professionals) aren’t going to believe me about just how bad they are. I’ve also learned that if they stay calm, it takes a shorter time, so instead of chewing them out about what’s going on, I smile and reassure them. But if I could tell them a few things, I would tell them: Stop hitting me. You may classify it as tapping or slapping, but it’s painful and it won’t help you. Slapping does not make it easier to find the veins. It doesn’t make them pop up. For me, it seems to make them “hide” because the stimuli is so painful; also, I have a connective tissue condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, so I’m prone to bruising, which make it even harder to spot the veins. The tapping/slapping/hitting also can damage the blood that you’re attempting to draw and mess with the results. I know I’m in my thirties, but my veins still roll. Every time I specifically tell one that my veins roll, they say that I’m too young for that to happen. Veins rolling is mainly associated with the elderly, but it is also associated with people who have connective tissue disorders. This is why you don’t continue a saline drip into an already blown vein. (Twitter) If I tell you my vein is blowing, then you need to listen to me. I know my veins better than anyone else, and I should since I’ve had them my whole life. I know what a blowing vein feels like, and I know what it feels like once one has already blown. For me, if I get a really cold burning sensation right where the needle is, I know that that needle better get out of my arm. I once told a nurse that the vein was blowing and she ignored me. She continued to work with the vein and even tried flushing it to start an IV. If you’ve never experienced the joy of saline flushing through an infiltrated (blown) vein, then consider yourself to be extremely lucky. I already drank the water. I am aware that being dehydrated impacts whether or not your veins are visible. Before scheduled lab tests, I make sure to drink even more water than I normally do. It doesn’t help. Stop being cocky and trust your patient. I know that some of these people are really good at their jobs, but the cockier they are the more likely they are to have problems finding my veins. And I’ve talked to other people with bad veins who have noticed this to be a common trait. Like I mentioned with blown veins, I know my veins better than anyone else. If I tell you that my veins suck, then I’m probably telling the truth. Even if the patient doesn’t actually have bad veins, the phlebotomist needs to behave like the patient does. What is the worst that will happen? Be confident. Yes, I want people who aren’t cocky, but if you’re nervous, you will miss the vein. Just be calm and respectful. Forget the gadgets. The only thing that was ever learned about my veins with a vein-finder was that they had more branches than most…and that they have are super-deep and really small. Using heating packs might help a little, but a warm towel or blanket works just as well. Oddly, a blood pressure cuff works better than a tourniquet. Tourniquets should die a painful death. Okay, back to the connective tissue disorder and its complications. If you’ve watched many episodes Law and Order or CSI:, then you may have heard of petechiae. It happens when the capillaries (really little blood vessels) explode and spew their bloody guts into the tissue that makes up the skin. Petechiae isn’t painful, but tourniquets are. (Blood pressure cuffs also cause petechiae and pain, but veins pop up quicker with them than with tourniquets.) Ask me about my allergies before you stick me. I know that it’s the patient’s responsibility to tell the phlebotomist and I try to get across that medical adhesive and latex are a no-go, but if they aren’t listening or they forget, it helps if they ask again just to make sure. Again, this is one of those what’s the worst that will happen things. Prepare your needle and equipment before you go hunting for a vein. A lot of people like to hunt for my vein before they have the needle ready to go in, which means they find one, walk away, grab their stuff, wipe me down, and then go to stick me. Veins that roll are not veins that you can just walk away from and expect to still be there when you get back. My veins have other plans. Stop digging. It hurts and it typically leads to a nerve being hit. That is pretty unpleasant. And by “pretty unpleasant” I mean that I would rather walk barefoot for 5 minutes down in Antarctica than have a needle hit a nerve. Sharp pointy things do not play well with nerves. Oh, so now you think they’re too hard to find? No shit, Sherlock. The exclamation of “these are hard to find” is always one of those things that makes me want to roll my eyes. I know that some people might lie about the difficulty, but I don’t. I don’t need your affirmation that they are hard to find. I know that they are. I’m the one who has been stuck in the palm of the hand and the top of the foot when safer/better areas were not found. I’m the one who has had to wait for the charge nurse to come do the stick or for the anesthesiologist […]

Stop Hitting Me



Button Up: Trump, Consent, and Culture Donald Trump’s ridiculous claim that all polls show he won second debate with Hillary Clinton False: Ted Cruz claim that Hillary Clinton backs ‘unlimited abortion’ to moment of birth From Now On, Anal Fissures Will be Known as Trumps A Few Quick Questions for OkCupid’s Moderators If you care about the environment at all, why are you voting for Jill Stein in a swing state? I’m Afraid I’m Going to Have to Cancel Men Michelle Obama delivers the most powerful indictment yet of Trump’s misogyny An Open Letter to My Mother, Who “Might” Vote for Donald Trump Trump suggests women speaking out are too ugly for him to sexually assault Trump vs the GOP Understanding How the Manosphere Views Women Why the Green Party Has Destroyed Itself with Jill Stein Yom Kippur, Donald Trump, and Apologizing Like You Really Mean It



Gather ’round, children. It’s time for the tale of why it’s not fucking okay to call Good Friday “good” and why this name bothers me so much.  As I rant about this particular tragedy in some way every year, you should have anticipated this. Now, before I begin, let’s establish that for the purpose of this post, we will assume that the traditional story of Jesus’s life, death and resurrection are legitimate. If you don’t believe in the story or God or whatever, then that’s fine. This isn’t me endorsing or promoting Christianity, so don’t get angsty. And if you’re an evangelical or conservative Christian, you might not enjoy this, so go do something else if this offends you.  Okay. Where were we?  Ah, yes.  About 1984 years ago, there was this Middle Eastern dude who got killed by a European dude for practicing the wrong religion.1 Anyway, three days later, which would be a Monday not a Sunday, the dead dude popped up & scared the shit out of everyone. We eat chocolate on Easter to commemorate the shit being scared out of people.2 Anyway, supposedly, Good Friday is “good” because the guy who died was dying to help save the world.3 His death is supposed to be symbolic, but what people don’t realize is that his death should still be considered awful. Suggesting it was good despite its horrific nature does a grotesque disservice to its victims.  Crucifixion was used by various empires, but the Romans were big fans of it. That may be because typically Roman citizens weren’t crucified. Their slaves were, as were pirates and enemies of the state. Crucifixion was meant for the lowest of the low. It was the most dishonorable death you could have. It was meant to humiliate. Death by crucifixion could take days and Roman guards couldn’t leave the site until it occurred. Since they had other shit to do, they would “hasten” death by asphyxiation, stabbing, flogging, breaking bones, and other equally pleasant measures.  Crucifixion was abolished in 337 by Constantine because of his feels for Jesus. Not because at one point 500 people per day were executed by it. No, it was because he loved Jesus. The Crucifixion is now celebrated through the symbol of the cross.4 But Good Friday is not just bad because of the evils of capital punishment, atrocities committed by the Romans, the libel perpetrated against one of the closest friends of Jesus,5 or the death and humiliation of any victims of crucifixion. Good Friday was a big player in the antisemitism that grew over the next two thousand years. You see, because it was supposedly Jews who encouraged the punishment and death of Jesus, all Jews were seen as Christ killers. They were accused of well poisoning and starting the Black Death. They were accused of greed. They were placed in ghettos as early as the 16th century. They were exiled/deported from countries for hundreds of years. They were discriminated against throughout Europe and America. They were murdered, tortured, and enslaved en masse during the Holocaust. And the big thing used to justify mass murder was the Crucifixion. So, as you talk about how “good” Good Friday is, remember millions of people died for that goodness.  As Good Friday comes around every year, I begin to feel this sense of dread and annoyance. I remember the carnage associated with it & I just feel like we missed the bigger picture. But not to worry, I’ll get over it. For a year. Of course I’ll get a little annoyed on Sunday as people commemorate the resurrection of a Jewish dude by eating ham. That’s tacky. Of course, so is eating lamb as the commemorate the resurrection of the Lamb of God. Yeah, I’m so judging y’all.  Photo via VisualHunt.com Okay, that’s a pointed summary meant to show you how little things have changed in almost two thousand years. ↩No, we don’t. But if that grosses you out & leaves more chocolate for me, then I have no regrets. ↩Who the fuck did this guy think he is? He’s not Buffy. ↩Basically, people wear little electric chairs around their necks because they think it makes them better—and more fashionable—people. ↩Judas is remembered as a villain for ratting out Jesus. If the stories are true, then he actually fulfilled the requisite action that would eventually lead to the resurrection. That should make him a hero and the people who denied Jesus the villains, but they were the ones who wrote the books, so they did a little revisionist history. Typical. ↩

“Good” Friday?!





annadelanklo: piqueque: annadelanklo: piqueque: annadelanklo: You know that about a month or so ukranian army WITH TANKS accidantly entered Russia…   PS There is a huge error on this map – Crimea is RUSSIA! ))) Russian soldiers are going to Ukraine and are killing Ukrainian soldiers, people but OH MY GOD UKRAINE ACCIDENTALLY ENTERED RUSSIA DURING A WAR, what a threat oh mY GOD. And Crimea is Ukraine’s, but what you can understand when you probably watch rtr planeta 24/7. THANKS! And now I CLAIM you to give my PROOFS! Not 9 guys who were arrested near Belrarussian border – far from the war zone… Because EVEN USA agancies (not Psaki) sad that they have no evidence of russian troops in Ukrane. OSCE (who are now THERE) said that too. or you will show me the ukranian “photos” – taken from the game?!  Tell me in Odessa there were russian solgers BURNT ALIVE too? Nope. Local harmless people. Or in hospitals in Doneztk? Nope. Ukranian army and neonazis is killing THEIR OWN PEOPLE!  If Russia is a “bad guy” why Unkraian people ask Russia for a shelter? Not EU or USA? And please do tell me an exaple in history where refugees were applying for asylum to abuser… And why ukranian army seeks for asylum in Russia too? Thinks about that Crimea separated themselfs from Ukrane and that PEOPLE there voted FOR joining with Russian Federation.If you can’t understand THAT – well I am sorry for you. People have right to decide, aren’t they? Have you see how people there were CELEBRAITING the results of the referendum? Of are you that blind to belive that everything there was a fake and people were forced to to it?  By the way, friendly advice – the worst way to show that you have no competence is to say that the opponent is watching wrong chanel.  Everyone knows that huge part of people in south Ukraine are russians, also Russia always wanted Crimea and after the riot in Kiev happened the situation in Ukraine was really bad and Russia took a chance, with the help of ‘separatists’ who are actually russians or even french lol. Remember war for South Ossetia, same thing happened. Poor innocent as always Russia just shot down Malaysia’s plane, but oh it was Americans, soldiers killed and tortured so many people that I can’t even choose which story to show, probably Mykola Zalanec’s was the worst for my country. But the tortures and all the murders they’ve committed are not the main thing – they’re occupying another country and they’ve no right to do that. Now they’re threatening Baltic states, Poland, and knowing putin’s mental health everything can happen. As usual – no proof. Just common words. Got it…  ««« Russia just shot down Malaysia’s planePROOF! NOW I can give you link to the salilite data that russian Ministry of Defence posted online. But where are the date from USA satellites? Or earth bases in Europe? WHERE?  You know what would have happened to Crimea otherwise?! Hint – ref. Donezk. Meaining MORE deaths of innocent people… As I said – watch people there celebrating the referendum.  Speaking of people – huge part of people in south and west Ukrane are russians BECAUSE they were BORN in one common country – USSR. In Russia almost everyone have relatives in Ukraine. But in Ukrane NOW there are NO Russian troops. There are some volunteers, yes. And on the side of Ukranian troops there are Polish and Baltic. So what? Poland and Balitc states declared war to Ukraine too?  May I recall to you the it was Georgia who began the war with Ossetia and Abkhazia? Right at the time of Olympic games (violated the unspoken rule of no war while there are Games). It was under Saakashvili who is now put on the wanted list by new Georgian govenement.  You know I really worry about YOUR mental health. Why on earth would Russia and Vladimir Putin need Poland and Baltic states?! First of all – these are EU countries. Secondly, and most important – RUSSIA DON’T NEED THEM AS A MEMBER. AT ALL! Russia gets everything from them WITHOUT need to invest money (as it was during the time of USSR). Russia is now using new approach – neocapitalism. Tell me who gets hurt now by the agricultural sanctions? A clue – NOT Russia…   Putin tried to warn EU and USA when they wanted to begin was against Siria, when they were giving weapons to rebels (now it’s ISIS). He hundred times tried to stop this nonecence in Ukraine. What did USA – aproved usage of Molotov cocktailIs against UNARMED police force, gave cockies to the people on Maydan. Great Europe haven’t done anything to protect people in Odessa, Donbas, Lugansk… Now they are hiding facts about Boing… They were even agains humanitarian help from Russia though Red Cross checked everything… If Putin mental state is bad, than the rest of the World (ops smallest part of it – USA and it’s satellits and EU)  are zombies…  When did Putin get a Tumblr account? via Tumblr

Someone Besides Putin Likes Putin



1
Previously published on Thought Catalog Openly supporting certain positions can lead to harassment, especially on the Internet. It’s something that anyone who speaks their mind eventually ends expecting. Expecting it doesn’t mean that it is less painful or more fun. It just means that you’ve learned to expect that some folks just don’t understand how to talk to another human being like they’re actually a human being. Quite frankly, that sucks. For being pro-choice and for promoting access to things like free/cheap birth control, other safe and affordable forms of reproductive health care, and comprehensive sex education, I’ve encountered a variety of different slams. There are a lot of assumptions that pro-birth people make when you support the right to access safe and legal abortions. (I am referring to them as pro-birth instead of pro-life for the purpose of this post because many support multiple policies that endanger lives. There are some very considerate pro-life people out there and this is not geared toward those people.) 1. You should keep your legs closed. But I just got this fancy Thighmaster. Wait. Do they even sell those anymore? Thank you for assuming that because I support abortion that I am promiscuous. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being promiscuous, but I’m not. And my promiscuous tendencies or lack thereof is not the basis for how I feel about an issue. 2. You’re a sex-obsessed whore. Seriously? What the fuck?  Taking birth control doesn’t mean that you’re a prostitute. It doesn’t even mean that you’re having sex. There are these things called medical conditions, like anemia, premenstrual syndrome, endometriosis or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, where women take “The Pill” to keep from being sick, dying of blood, in severe pain, or from being horribly depressed. Women even take it for acne. Whatever the reason a person takes, you shouldn’t be judging them. 3. You’re stupid. How’d you come to that conclusion? Is there some statistical evidence that people who believe in abortion have lower IQs? Or does it just make you feel uncomfortable that my brain is okay with the idea that I can’t make personal decisions for another person? Ding, ding, ding. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Having a different opinion doesn’t make a person stupid. And a person’s intelligence and understanding can be measured in a variety of ways. Some people are talented at understanding science and math. Some understand Russian Literature. Some have a natural ability to fix a car. Some have an ability to paint. Some are good listeners. We’re all different in our ways of understanding our world. If everyone is different, then who are you to judge who is and who is not smart? 4. You’re ugly. And that makes me wrong how? Who cares what I look like? If you think I’m ugly, then you think I’m ugly. It doesn’t make me want to change my opinion. Bringing up a person’s appearance when you’re debating a particular topic is such a ridiculous tactic. There are a lot of really hot people who are stupid and really ugly people who are smart and vice versa. Appearance doesn’t impact a person’s intelligence or their ability to formulate an opinion, unless they let it. And the only reason that they might let it is that we’ve got some really messed up ideas of what counts most in American culture. 5. No one will ever have sex with you if you have that attitude. Fuck that. What you mean is that you and other peoplelike you don’t want to have sex with anyone who has a particular belief set. Well, that’s fine. People like me probably wouldn’t want to have sex with people like you. Does that shock you? 6. You must hate men. Are you trying to be an ignorant asshole? Or is this something you excel at naturally? Did you know that men can be pro-choice? Oh, my goodness. Your world is probably imploding right now, isn’t it? 7. You’re a baby-killer and a monster. Hey, I’m not Olaf the Troll! I don’t go around pillaging fictional towns, eating babies, and trying to get revenge against my ex-lover-who-became-a-demon-because-I-cheated. (If you get this reference, you deserve a cookie or some cookie dough.) Your ridiculousness is seriously breaking my heart. 8. God hates you. You hate me, so you assume that means that a deity that you happen to believe in also hates me. Narcissist much? If God exists, then let God tell me this. It is not up to you. That you think it is up to you makes me think you aren’t really clear on the whole idea of humility. Maybe you need to work on that before you judge me. It used to bug me when these things were said to me. It doesn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy now, but I don’t take it personally. I realize that this is just what some pro-birth people are taught to feel. I hope that they figure out that they’re wrong at some point, but it’s not really something that I expect because they’re stubborn. I hope that they realize that I’m just as stubborn about my beliefs as they are.

8 Things Pro-Birth Advocates Say