Porn Star by Laurelin Paige My rating: 3 of 5 stars This is another book where the authors have good intentions, but don’t really execute them that well. I think it’s wonderful that Laurelin Paige and Sierra Simone wanted to write a book that includes the very real issues within the adult entertainment industry, including rapes and sexual assaults. I think that if they had done a little more to, no pun intended, flesh things out, then the book would have been excellent. I loved the comparison of Devi/Logan to mythology and astronomy, but I think that sometimes it wasn’t as developed as it could have been. Of course, neither were the characters. Each felt a little flat, which was disappointing because I could tell that they were aiming to build these really strong characters. Instead, Logan becomes the epitome of a NiceGuy stereotype and really isn’t as in touch with respecting women as he thinks he is, while Devi comes off as whiny and immature. Even the villains/antagonists in the story aren’t fully-formed. When I finished reading the story, I felt almost like I had wasted hours of time on reading this book. I hate feeling like reading a book was a waste of time, especially when it is a book that could have been excellent. The sex scenes were okay. They weren’t over-the-top or even all that racy like you might expect with a book on porn stars falling in love. They were just okay. I couldn’t understand how the characters were having mind-blowing sex when the writing wasn’t really all that mind-blowing. Some of it was gross, but a lot of it just seemed blah. I know it was meant to shock and titillate, but it was, like porn, too over-the-top. It didn’t seem like realistic behavior, and all seemed like it was a performance. A lot of it was also grossly coercive, which doesn’t promote the sex-positive message that the writers were intending to share via the story. There were some elements that were a bit racially insensitive and a little bit off on how bisexuality works. The idea that Devi is “exotic” fetishizes her for displaying traits associated with the Persian ancestry on her father’s side. I’m sure that Paige and Simone didn’t mean to say anything racially insensitive, but they did make statements that were cringe-inducing. The descriptions of bisexuality really dumbed down the research. While I appreciate the attempt to address the research that shows women are rarely heterosexual when it comes to arousal, saying all women are bisexual based on arousal is untrue; most are bisexual, followed by homosexual, and then heterosexual, but that doesn’t define their sexuality. Yes, most women can be turned on by other women, but sexual orientation isn’t just about arousal. The same studies that determined that women are rarely heterosexual also say that most men are either heterosexual or homosexual in their arousal, which effectively erases bisexual men. They also show that women can become aroused by watching animals having sex, which could be used to suggest that women are into bestiality, and that’s just interpreting the study in the most literal way possible. It dehumanizes women and bisexuals. It also engaged in bi-erasure by suggesting that if a person is more attracted to one gender than another, that they cannot be bisexual. Devi enjoyed sex with women and fooling around with women, but she preferred men, especially Logan more. In fact, she based her identity as heterosexual solely on the attraction to Logan. Enjoying sex or preferring sex with a particular person or with a particular gender does not make someone not-a-bisexual. Dating one person exclusively or marrying them does not change their sexual orientation. Bisexuality is hard enough for most who identify that way without encountering these stereotypes & common misconceptions. It was mentioned toward the end of the story that the romance developed over the course of two months, but it seemed like it was closer to three weeks. Maybe there was more going on that wasn’t included in the story, but I think I might have found the story more believable or realistic if there was more of a sense that they were doing more than just having sex and talking about astronomy. It was also a little weird that the one who was more wealthy was Logan. Porn is one of the few industries where women out-earn men; top female talent make $2000-2500 per scene, whereas the most well-known male stars make $1500 per scene. To live the lifestyle he lived, he would need to be working more often and investing a good deal of his check. The only reason Devi would be making less is (1) the refusal to work in heterosexual porn and (2) the lack of experience. Otherwise, she would be out-earning him. I think the book had an interesting premise and I might recommend it if you just want to read something a bit smutty, but I wouldn’t tell anyone to have high expectations for it. Maybe it won’t disappoint you if you don’t go in expecting too much. View all my reviews

Review: Porn Star

I opened a FetLife account one night almost two years ago. I won’t link to it here or explain why I joined. I will say I quit using it not long after because of behavior, unrelated to kinks, by some users that I found alarming. Before tonight, I had only signed in to stop receiving regular emails from groups I had at one time thought might interest me. Since that time, I had not signed in, nor had I thought about signing in.1 Tonight, though, tonight I signed in and deactivated my account there.2 On my FetLife account, I do not recall ever linking to this or any other blog I have ever used. I was warned about maintaining anonymity by a user that I once knew from church.  34 I didn’t use images where I could be easily identified. I didn’t use any identifying nicknames. I used my first name once, but no more than that. I’ve also never linked to my FetLife account on any social media or on here.  I’m stating this because I felt, I don’t even know how to describe it, when I got a notification of a private message. The subject line was “Hello Janet” and the body of the message was:  Hi. You have a very interesting net presence. Your blog shows that you think deeply about a lot of things. Let me know if you’d like to chat some time and see if we can have a conversation that interests you.  I’m guessing that whoever wrote this is probably reading this right now. That creeps me out. It has taken me a long time to feel truly comfortable talking about my life here or anywhere. And now it feels like that comfort, that ability to express myself freely has been taken from me. I don’t appreciate that. I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable talking about myself on here. I shouldn’t have to worry about how a total stranger managed to track my blog down from the one time I slipped up and used my first name. I shouldn’t have to worry about what all that stranger might have been trying to find out about me.  I guess I do have way to describe how I feel.  I’m scared.  I’m disgusted.  I’m absolutely fucking pissed off.  I understand that we as a society Google everyone and everything. I understand that privacy is something that barely exists in today’s world. But I also understand that this was something that should not have happened. This was too much for me. I tried so hard to maintain anonymity because I felt that would keep me safe. This ripped away any safety I might have felt on there, on here.  I’m out of FetLife. For now. Possibly for good.  Photo credit: breathtakingly via VisualHunt / CC BY-NC-ND I hadn’t wanted to sign in. I like who I’m currently involved with and feel happier with them than I ever thought possible. I don’t talk about this person or what we do on here because I want to maintain his privacy. ↩I had to reset the password to do so. ↩Who knew Mormons could be kinky? ↩He is part of why I quit the site. I found him on a dating app, but didn’t know who he was—he didn’t include a picture—but I thought his profile sounded interesting. He knew the whole time who I was. When he finally told me, I pulled away. I didn’t particularly like him before the encounter. I liked him less after, especially considering I met him while I was doing my prospective member lessons before I was baptized. That lesson was done at the apartment he shared with his then-wife and his son. We had a history that I didn’t want to relive.  After I made it clear that I didn’t have an interest in engaging in anything with him, he started popping up on other websites I used saying how surprised he was to run into me on them. He accused me, in jest, of stalking him. ↩


I had to make a trip to the library and to Walmart on Saturday. I needed to return some books, DVDs, and CDs to the library, and I needed milk chocolate chocolate chips and pancake mix at Walmart. And on the drive, we talked about this bout of strep, the miscarriage she had after my parents got married, the almost miscarriages she had while pregnant with me, & about all the weird things I ended up inheriting from one or both sides of the family–including drug allergies and bad immune systems.  Since some of those things are recessive, she felt the need to apologize for passing on those genes. She also decided she needed to apologize for ending up in a relationship with someone who carried similar recessive genes. She said that if she’d known, she would have done things differently and that she realizes a lot of my issues wouldn’t have happened if they’d had children with other people.  Part of me is glad she is finally acknowledging something that’s been a sticking point in my relationships with both parents. But I also don’t like the realization because it means if they’d done things differently that I wouldn’t be here. I may wish for that sometimes, but I don’t really want it. I don’t like a lot of what I’ve experienced, but I really don’t know if I’d want to change that.  If I hadn’t been sick or hurt so much, maybe I could have participated in soccer or volleyball or skating or taken dance longer. Maybe I could have had real Christmas trees and fewer doctor appointments. If I wasn’t mentally ill, maybe I would have graduated high school and not gotten my GED, maybe I would have gone away to school, maybe I’d be married and babied. But things still could have gone badly. Or they could have altered important experiences–good & bad.   If I hadn’t been abused or bullied, I might not have gotten so involved in online stuff. I would have missed out on amazing friendships that mean so much to me, even if I don’t act like it. If I’d been able to have a “normal” love life, I might not have gotten stood up on what was supposed to be my first date. I also might not have gotten to meet A and have an unconventional, but wonderful experience of important firsts.   So, yeah, I’d love to have had a happier or healthier existence. I’d love if my parents could have had happy and healthy kids in a happy and healthy marriage–or happy and healthy marriages. But I wouldn’t be me. I might not even exist. And that is something I don’t like thinking of any more than I like being sick, easily injured, or painfully shy.  I spent so long hating my body for its flaws, my brain for its issues, and my family for bringing me into existence. I don’t want to be like that. Not anymore. So I will deal with my drug allergies and my never-ending strep as long as it means that I get to keep being me.  Thanks, mom, for wanting to spare me of suffering, but I’m good. 

While We Were Out

The Destiny of Violet & Luke by Jessica Sorensen My rating: 2 of 5 stars I received an ARC from the publisher of The Destiny of Violet & Luke through the LibraryThing Early Reviewers program in exchange for an honest review. I would say that this book was an extreme disappointment, except that it wasn’t. It was exactly what I expected from Sorensen. Her stories are extremely formulaic–from the swirling script font choice for the titles to the characters being horribly broken with abusive pasts to the plotless stories where you’re waiting for the inevitable coupling followed by some “cliffhanger” ending where they are torn apart or just the regular issues with things like grammar and spelling. (As this was one that was not self-published, I had hoped that the grammar would be better. That it wasn’t was actually a disappointment.) When it comes to sticking to her formula, Sorensen doesn’t disappoint. Unfortunately, her choice to write such formulaic stories is a disappointment because I think that Sorensen could actually write a really good story if she put a little more effort into it. There’s nothing truly special about this book or this couple. Yes, they are broken, but this is not any different from any other couple she writes about. The stigmatized virginal girl and misunderstood oversexed boy have been the leads in her Ella and Micha & Callie and Kayden books. The boy having a substance abuse issue isn’t all that unusual, nor is the girl engaging in self-destructive/parasuicidal behaviors and lying to those close to her. I could easily change the names of the characters to those of her other books and have the same stories that I’ve already read by her. There’s not really any respect for the issues that Luke and Violet suffer from. They’re just there to help advance the idea of these characters being poor unfortunate souls. The relationship and the attraction feels forced. It seems that she was so determined to hook these characters up that she didn’t actually feel the need to describe how these feelings were changing. Their love story needed a little more work, as did the character development. But, again, this is not any different from every other book of hers that I have read. There were no true surprises or developments in any other aspect of the story. The ending issue? It wasn’t something that threw anyone who had been paying attention for most of the book. The only “shocker” is that it drove them apart. It didn’t really change anything within their relationship and they had answers to some of their questions, but it shouldn’t have driven them apart. It seemed that the only reason that it did was that this would allow Sorensen to write yet another book about these characters; a book that will probably be almost exactly like this. But here’s the completely wackadoodle part of all of this: I still want to know what happens with them. The book may not be special and may be exactly what I’ve read before. The characters may just be the same ones she’s written over and over, but I want to know what happens to them. And THAT is why the book is getting a two-star rating instead of a one-star one. Sorensen has enough writing talent and story-telling skills that even with all this craptasticness I still want to discover what happens to these two broken souls. View all my reviews

Review: The Destiny of Violet & Luke

You know what’s totally ridiculous, but still happens? When you’re sexting with someone you have had sex with and you’re getting all stressed over sending pictures that show your body’s flaws. The other person has seen you naked and is attracted to you and may have even asked for pictures of you, so it’s not that they’re the ones who have problems with your body: it’s you. via Tumblr

A while ago, I told a guy I had been talking to on the phone and texting/IMing (we never met in person/we met on OKC) with that I was no longer interested. In our early conversations, he told me all of the compliments I’d never heard and all of the ones I’d always wanted to hear. He made me feel like I could always depend on him to make me happy. Like he was the only way for me to feel that happiness. I think that was deliberate. He told me early on (a week after we started talking) he loved me and wanted to marry me, despite barely knowing anything about me. He’d gotten more disturbing with each discussion and each one made me more scared about if I would be safe around him. I had to tell him I felt exactly like he did (ie I loved him) or that I cared more for him than he did for me or he’d suggest I didn’t care. I also had to describe sex acts that I wasn’t interested in so he could get off. If I said I wasn’t interested in something he would tell me that I would be when we met and that we would do it then. Our last phone call, he described wanting to choke me during sex. It didn’t sound like kink related choking. It sounded a bit more threatening. I knew I needed to walk away, so I tried to. A couple of weeks after I first said I was no longer interested in talking to him, he IMed me. I had to explain (again) why I wanted to end our conversations. After I did, he told me that he still felt horny. I told him that knowledge made me uncomfortable. He asked if I would do him a favor and I said yes, even though I wanted to walk away. He wanted me to sext with him one last time. I didn’t want to, but I felt like I owed him something. And I worried that if I didn’t that he would come find me. (I still think that sometimes.) So I briefly did/said what he wanted. And I cried while I did it. I finished describing whatever fantasy he wanted me to describe and I wanted to scream and vomit. Ever since my mood has been worse, I want to avoid people more, and I just feel like some part of me broke. I’ve only told my two best friends. I can’t tell my family or the guy I’ve been casually seeing (aka having sex with). They would probably be supportive, but the idea of telling them scares me. I feel like it’s my fault and that I’m being ridiculous because what happened wasn’t something that physically violated me. I know violating emotional boundaries is still a big deal. I just can’t convince my brain because I feel like what I went through shouldn’t be doing this to me. But it is. And I don’t know what I should do. He didn’t break the law. I’ve blocked him online. I wouldn’t answer any calls and told my parents not to answer his calls if he made them. But there’s not much more I could do. via Tumblr

Little Talks

Why can it not be easier to figure out if the person you want wants you back?
Life is so much harder than it seems like it should be. The things that should be instinctual aren’t always. For example, dating. It seems like a straightforward thing. Two or more people like each other. They hang out. They kiss. They have sex. Simple stuff. It should all be straightforward for you. But it isn’t. You know how you feel about the other person, but you don’t know how they feel about you. And if you’re prone to anxiety1 or shy2 or insecure3 or me4 , trying to figure out what to do can be an emotionally draining experience. And you don’t know how to figure out how to deal with the situation. You can ask friends5 or Google it6, but the only way to find out for sure is to ask the other party. This means you have to make yourself extremely vulnerable and expose what just might drive someone you like as far away from you as possible. This is risky. And only you can determine if it’s worth the risk.7 The willingness to put yourself out there in this way is scary and even more emotionally taxing. But you do it anyway. Then you wait. Or I wait.8 And that’s more stressful, but it’s better than sitting on your hands wondering what the fuck is going on. Why can’t it be easier? There isn’t an easy way to say, “Hey, I really like you and I want to know if you like me the same way. I want to know if there’s more to us than just smushing body parts together. I don’t need a ring or a specific number of dates with your or anything. I just want to know that if one of us is having a bad that we can call the other one and cheer that person up. And I want to know that if we’re smushing our parts together and we don’t have a condom or the condom suffers some kind of catastrophic failure that we don’t have to worry about going and getting STD checks because we’re only smushing with each other.”910 Why doesn’t that way exist? It should exist. It would make things easier. Or maybe it would make things harder, because they might not like you enough to do more than the kissing and the sex. And how do you deal with that? Is it okay to keep going in a situation like that? What if you want more? Do you leave it, even if the sex is good and you really like the other person, if they end up saying they will never give you more? Why can’t there just be an easy way to deal with this kind of stuff? like me ↩like me ↩like me ↩It’s my blog, so the fact that it’s ABOUT me shouldn’t shock you. ↩And this is really the best option until you start thinking that maybe you’re too neurotic for even the best of friends. ↩Don’t Google it. Between the RWNJ and the PUA sites, you end up hating yourself and the world so much if you do this. ↩When you have impulse control issues, it’s always worth the risk, even when it isn’t. ↩Because this is about me. ↩Obviously, referring to a use of backup birth control so that there aren’t any pregnancy scares–though, pregnancy scares can happen on backups or with condoms, which a lot of RWNJ and just regular people don’t even seem to know, but should. ↩I have totally over-used the word “smushing” for this post, haven’t I? ↩

Where Is My How To Guide?

On Thursday night, I received a message on OkCupid from a guy that I’ll call S. He was interested in pursuing a friends with benefits relationship, which I told him (on there) that I would need to be friends with him first. He said okay and we started talking on Kik. There were dick pics that were sent to me and I became a bit annoyed by them and by him. This is the conversation, without pictures, without his name, with the typos/grammatical/spelling errors intact, and with generalized locations, that we had.1 The only real difference is that I’ve included snarky commentary and admitted to mistakes I made in the conversation. Because of the nature of the discussion, if you don’t feel like you can handle certain overly sexual content, then don’t go further. S: Hi Me: Hi. S: My name is S Me: Hey, S. I’m Janet. S: Very nice to meet you!!! 🙂 Me: Nice to meet you, too. S: So tell me a little about u. S: Do u have a pic [S sent a picture of his face with this remark.] Me: [with a picture of my face] I write. I’m on disability for some health stuff. S: I’m sorry I hope ur ok S: Do u want to share S: Any more pics? [S sent another picture of his face with this comment. I responded with a picture of me from when I was out on a walk.] S: Your very pretty. Me: Thank you. You’re attractive, too. S: You think so? Me: Yeah. You’ve got a great smile. S: Thsnk u so much!! [S sent another picture of his face.] S: You have any more pics Me: You’re very welcome. [Another picture of my face.] S: Nice. Do u live in Huntsville Me: Yeah. You? S: Yep I live off of —–. You? Me: Off —–. S: —–. Is that south parkway S: Down by —– Me: Yeah. S: I do cable so that is my area Me: Cool S: Yep it’s a fun job S: So tell me about u Me: It’s always good to have a job you enjoy. Me: There’s not much to know. S: We’ll me. I’m looking for a fwb for long term. I’m only looking for only 1 woman to do this Me: Okay. How long term? S: As long as you want to see me. Totally up to you 🙂 Would I be interested S: Would u be interested? S: I’m picking u 🙂 Me: I might be. I may need to think about it. S: Have u ever had a fwb Me: No. I did have NSA sex with a guy once, but it was just the once. S: Ahh see this would be ongoing. Plus we would be friends. Do u want to see a cock pic to see what ur getting? S: About 5 times a week2 if u want S: I have a high sex drive [Unsolicited dick pic.] Me: It sounds like you do. I’ve only had the one sexual experience so that’s a lot of sex. Also I have chronic pain and fatigue issues, so I don’t know if I could handle that much sex. S: We’ll some days we can just do oral on each other because of ur health S: Do u like the pic? Me: Yeah. It’s a nice pic.3 S: Is it too big4 or a good size for u Me: It’s a good size.5 S: So what sexual things us like and don’t like [Another dick pic.] Me: I like oral, intercourse, anal. I like being fingered.6 S: I love anal too. Do u like cum? Swallow and or facials. Me: I swallow. I might be okay with facials. I’m not really sure.7 S: Janet I pick u!!! I have been looking for a woman that does all of that!!! S: So what do u think Janet. S: Do u like condoms or no Me: I’m still not sure how I feel. I prefer condoms.8 S: I’m ddf as we’ll and I got tested two months ago. I’m very clean. What can I do to help u decide?? S: I promise every time we are together you will have an orgasm when I go down on u S: I’ll eat ur pussy every time. U will cum before I will Me: I’m glad you’re clean, but I’m not on birth control, thus the condom preference. Just give me a couple of days. Is that okay? It’s a major decision. S: I can’t have kids.9 🙂 Besides every time I cum I would like for u to swallow ok S: It is a major decision. I really want u as my fwb Janet S: 🙂 S: Do u like kissing and making out S: Any questions u have for me Me: I’ve never actually made out with anyone.10 Me: I don’t think I have any right now.11 S: Really never. I love to kiss. It’s long and passionate. It’s more then just a fuck. It’s love making. U ok with that Me: Yeah. Never. My first kiss came all of two minutes before a guy went down on me. S: That’s awful. I’ll make sure we will make out S: I love pussy juice!!!!12 😀 I meant what I said. Every time we get together I’ll go down and I’ll eat u until u cum. Then I’ll keep going until u come again and agony13 S: And again S: Deal??? Me: If I say yes14 S: Yes if u say yes. I hope u do. And best part no condoms too 😀 S: Any more pics Me: Not right now. S: So no condoms then?15 S: So what music u like Me: I like most music. S: Me too but not rap. Me: I started getting into rap in college. S: What college Me: At that point, I was at A&M S: I went to Alabama. Am tough school S: What is ur major Me: At that […]

Oh, The Dudes You’ll Talk To

As someone who hasn’t ever received much attention from guys, the flock of guys that seem to have appeared over the past couple of months is a bit overwhelming by itself. What’s even more overwhelming is that some of them seem to have me on speed-dial or speed-IM when they’re horny. And since I sort of encouraged1 that behavior at the beginning of the whole charade, I’m living with the inundation that has resulted from it. I get that the idea of being one of the first people to “boldly go where no man has gone before” was exciting for them. I understand that it made me sort of like a unicorn for some guys. But when that’s the only reason that the guys are contacting me, it starts feeling like I’m less of a person and more of a receptacle for their dicks. And I don’t particularly enjoy that feeling, so while I like the idea that they actually find me attractive in some way, shape, or form, I don’t like being treated like I’m just alive for one purpose. Basically, I want to be treated like a human being. I deserve to be treated as such. I’m not saying that I won’t have sex or that I want the sexual dialogue to go away completely. I just want to be treated like a person, too. I want to talk about my day with someone and hear about theirs. I want to know what makes them tick and what makes them happy, and I want them to want to know those things about me, too. I need to set boundaries with them. I need to set them with myself. This is my first step toward that. To the “open marriage” guys, the single dads, and most of the other guys who I have talked to: start treating me like an actual person or go away.2 I deserve better and I’m going to demand better. This means that I would quickly allow conversations to turn sexual, but I would shut down most guys who attempted to only talk about sex with me. ↩Also, to the “open marriage” guys, I really would need a permission slip from your wife. I need to know that you aren’t just lying to me about your relationship. ↩

Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re Horny