Tag: Daddy


Pick A Day Already

10
December

It is almost Christmas, just two more weeks now, and I still don’t know when my parents and I get to go see Nana.  Apparently, my Aunt has yet to pick her day.  And since we can’t have Christmas together like a normal dysfunctional family and since, according to her, we “picked” Thanksgiving Day to spend with Nana, we can’t pick Christmas as well.

I don’t get how we picked Thanksgiving.  There is one day to celebrate Thanksgiving on and that’s Thanksgiving.  We didn’t say we wouldn’t eat with them.  That was my aunt’s decision.  And since all that we do on holidays is eat together, because they always seem like they’re ready to be somewhere else, I don’t get why we couldn’t stick food in our mouths at the same time and in the same place.  They would leave right after anyway, so I just don’t see why they can’t be grown-ups and bottle their hostilities towards us for an hour or so on two days this year.  I mean, I’ve been bottling it up (obviously) for years and they want me to continue bottling it up publicly, so why can’t they do it for two out of the 8760 hours in the year?  Apparently, that’s too much to expect.

And if we have to have separate holidays, then I think that we should get to pick Christmas.  Last year, we got snowed in on Christmas and they chose to eat lunch and open presents at my grandmother’s house on Christmas, without us.  And, according to Nana, the cousin-in-law was none-too-pleased that my parents and I weren’t willing to drive over an icy bridge, up and down an ice-and-snow-covered mountain, and down some country roads to get there in a car that’s 12 years old and didn’t even have much get-up-and-go when it was purchased, doesn’t have 4 wheel drive, and doesn’t have any winter weather gear (because this is Alabama) to celebrate Christmas with them.  Oh, and the drive would’ve been without the dogs because we haven’t been allowed to have them around this particular family member since we first got Xander.  (Odd, since they have a dog of their own now.)  So, we would’ve been leaving 5 dogs at home, without food, with a limited supply of water, and (for Willow) without their medicine.  We also would’ve had to take all of our medicine and some extra clothes with us, in case we got snowed in there.  So, I’m not exactly sure why she was upset at our not coming last year and I’m not sure how it is that they got to choose when they celebrated Christmas with Nana last year and how they get to choose it again this year.  Of course, they picked the day the family celebrated Christmas during the first few years that my cousin and his wife were married, thus leading to some issues for my family with regards to Christmas.  So, it’s always been them who gets to choose that day.  It kind of makes me feel like my family has never really been appreciated by their family.  And that’s not exactly the warm, fuzzy feeling that one should have on Christmas or at any time of the year.

It’s not like it should matter to me when we celebrate Christmas.  There are no presents to open in my immediate family, so it’s not like there will actually even be a Christmas here.  At least, not a materialistic type Christmas.  And Nana doesn’t buy presents anymore, so there won’t be anything like that from her.  So by not getting Christmas with her (again) I’m just missing out on one of the two days a year when I don’t (generally) have to cook.  Basically, I’m not getting one of my days off because some members of my family can’t put their big kid underwear on and deal with us for an hour or so.  Way to go, them.

I could easily end this by apologizing, but the more ridiculous they get with their behavior, the less I think I should.  Besides, like I’ve said many times (online and off), I haven’t said anything that I should really have to apologize for.  They’ve used the same language in conversations about other people.  Why do I have to apologize because my “conversation” is available for lots of people to read?  Their conversations are a lot more likely to be overheard by someone that could take offense than my posts are to be read by someone who would get upset.  Maybe I’m not completely competent about social mores, but how is their behavior any better than or my acceptable than mine?  How is it okay to insult or degrade people about their lives behind their backs if you’re doing it vocally, but it isn’t okay to rant about my own feelings about what goes on in my life on a website that I pay for?  Why is that okay?  Maybe whoever is reading my blog on their behalf (’cause I know they are) will be willing to have my aunt or uncle or cousin or even the in-law send me an email or something explaining that.

Sometimes I wish that I had a truly boring life.  One where my family got along and everything could be considered normal.  Then I realize that wishing for a different life won’t do any good because I’m stuck with this one.  I’m stuck in a family where our relationships are basically based on some antiquated caste system with the “better than” members not wanting to talk to or spend time with the “less than” members, where it is normal to have third parties read blog entries to find negative words and then report back about how “this” or “that” was said even when it wasn’t, where it was okay to give R-rated movies to me when I was 15 but the second I mentioned being suicidal or psychotic I started getting gifts most families would consider to be okay for a little girl, where censorship is okay when I judge but they’re allowed to spew whatever crap they want, where my dad has to get “groomed” (haircut and extra shaving) to keep them from calling him names behind his back, and where I’m told not to talk about them, but they get to lie to my only living grandparent about what I say so that maybe, just maybe she might decide to quit talking to me or loving me or something.  Yeah, that’s the family I get to have.  I should just accept it and move on.

Comment » | 10 Years of Madness, Confessions, Family, Holidays, Mental Health, My Family's Weirder Than Yours Is

You are the Silence in Between What I Thought and What I Said

25
November

Well, the computer came back today.  Yay.  It appears to be working fine.  Unfortunately, my external hard drive has to be reformatted again, so that makes me quite unhappy.  I guess I should just get used to this kind of geek-related disappointment.  So, I’m waiting on the formatting to finish.  I’m also trying to get my iPod to sync.  It keeps saying that it’s done syncing, but it hasn’t added ANY of the (1000+) songs that I spent the last couple of weeks listening to.  This is also disappointing.

In less disappointing news, I had a pretty good Thanksgiving.  Aside from my mom’s blood sugar dropping throughout the day, my getting a migraine from (of all the foods that could cause it) pinto beans, and finding out that my aunt is apparently going to get to pick what day she has Christmas with my grandmother before my parents and I get to (thus ensuring that she doesn’t have to see us), then it was actually quite good and bordering on superb.  Of course, when you factor all of that in, it knocks it down a few pegs.

I have to have blood work done sometime in the next week or so.  One of the doctors from the UAB Clinic wants to do his own hormone-research stuff to figure out why it is that I don’t get my period regularly.  Even though I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS, apparently, he feels the need to figure out what is going on.  So, good luck to him with that.  He thinks it is my thyroid, which is a theory I bet he will abandon when the blood work comes back with a low-end-of-normal reading on my thyroid function hormones.  Then he will probably give up.  If I sound convinced of this, it is because I am.  This is what always happens when doctors decide to check my thyroid.  I even told this doctor that, but he seems to think this time will be different.  (Maybe he is a bigger nut than I am.)

Oddly, right after he made the first call to find out if I had ever had the thyroid tests done, I got my period.  I was quite surprised by its appearance, since it had been many months since it had last come around.  Of course, it was very heavy, painful, and nausea-fever-and-dizziness-inducing.  It was not fun.  Of course, I don’t think it has ever been fun.  I think that it is over for now, which is odd, because I only got it for about a week and a day, but it could come back.  (Sometimes it just appears randomly a few days after it has supposedly quit.  It’s very rude like that.)

Tomorrow is the wonderful day which will test my dad’s anger management skills, aka the Iron Bowl.  I’m hoping that his ability to keep his temper in check this season will continue through the game tomorrow.  If he does, then it will be an Iron Bowl miracle.  There might even be holiday specials made in his honor if he manages it.

Comment » | Family, Geekery, Holidays, My Family's Weirder Than Yours Is, Sickness and Health

Been So Long

14
September

I don’t know why I haven’t talked much about my life lately. I guess because nothing is really changing. I still feel like crap. My mom is still whining and complaining about things. My dad is still angry and tired all the time.

My mom quit physical therapy a few weeks ago. When her doctor suggested that she start back, she told the doctor that she didn’t want to. That’s what I figured would happen from the beginning. My mom is afraid of the pain that the therapy causes. She is afraid to get better. She says she wants to get better, but it seems like it has become a lot easier for her to just give up than it has for her to get better. She has done this before–many, many times. The only major issue with her doing it this time is that it means that she is making herself fully reliant on my dad and on me. She doesn’t understand how much of a strain that is, and sometimes I really feel like she doesn’t care. It wouldn’t be that difficult for her to just ask the doctor to make sure that the physical therapy is once a week until she is a bit stronger. It would almost be reasonable. She doesn’t seem to care, though. She’s convinced that any physical therapy will lead to more pain and that more pain is just not acceptable. So, as frustrating and as stubborn as people seem to see me, I can assure you that my mother is more stubborn and more frustrating. She is completely unwilling to even try anything anymore, and that is extremely frustrating.

My dad, on the other hand, is getting angrier. He is mad all the time. He mainly yells at my mom when she says anything. He sometimes yells at me, but it is mainly at her. Every single thing that she does elicits a violently loud response. I know he doesn’t rest very well. I know that he doesn’t feel like she respects or appreciates him, and I’m pretty sure that he is right. I also know that she doesn’t feel that he understands how bad she feels, which she makes clear to me anytime that he isn’t in the room or he isn’t listening. She thinks that he is actively trying to ignore her. He thinks she is actively trying to piss him off. If it weren’t so personal and so frightening, it might actually be a bit interesting to watch. I’m sure that they will eventually stop being so frustrated with one another–at least for a little while.

You know the relationship described in “Love the Way You Lie”? That is the best description that I have ever seen for their relationship. They love each other, but it has never been a very healthy relationship because it can go from loving and doting to hateful and angry in mere seconds. And when I say never, I mean never. My mom hated my dad when they first met, but they have this intensity that keeps them together. It is sweet and painful.

As for me, I’m tired. I hurt. I hurt a lot. I haven’t gone to the doctor. I guess maybe my not going to the doctor is the same as my mom not going to the physical therapist. Maybe I’ve given up. I don’t think I’ll kick this infection and part of me really doesn’t want to. I want to feel better, but there is no way for me to do that without taking antibiotics and I just don’t feel like going through all the side effects of the antibiotics.

Comment » | Confessions, Family, Sickness and Health

I Don’t Know If You Can Hear Me or If You’re Even There

2
September

I was going to call the doctor on Thursday, but I apparently slept through quite a bit of it. I didn’t call the doctor today either. Somehow, it just slipped my mind. It seemed like I would do okay, but about an hour and half ago, my coughing fits seemed to get worse. I also noticed that I had started wheezing. So, I have to try to make it through the weekend, which is going to be fun since clinics and physicians’ offices will be closed Monday for Labor Day. If I get too wheezy or short of breath, then I will go to the ER. (Of course, the thought of doing that on a holiday weekend is a bit scary.)

Another scary thing will be happening this weekend, the beginning of college football. While I am okay with expressing adoration towards the Auburn football team when they aren’t playing, I am terrified during the games. My dad, the Auburn superfan, will possibly get angsty or even extremely angry. If the game doesn’t go well, then he will complain quite a bit. I hope it goes well. Last year’s season was relatively smooth for us, but that makes sense because Auburn ended up winning the National Championship. While it is possible for them to win again this year, I know that it is not something that I should just expect to happen.

Oh, in happier news, earlier this week TIME magazine asked their Twitter followers what their favorite non-fiction books were. I, of course, said that Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel was my favorite book. Since she has a Twitter account, I also mentioned her account in the response. Anyway, she thanked me. So, this is one of those moments that I am squeeing like an absolute fangirl. I’ve had celebrities add me on Twitter or respond to things that I say before, but I don’t think that I have ever gotten a response from someone I consider to be one of my absolute favorite writers. I know that she can be a controversial person and that some people think that she is whiny or self-involved or various other unfriendly descriptions, but this was the first woman (outside of my family) that I had seen go through some of the very same mental health issues that I had been going through. It helped me to feel like I wasn’t alone and that such intense bouts of depression and mood swings weren’t something that were just isolated to families in the southeastern United States. Her books inspired me to start talking even more openly about my problems, so I really admire her.

In non-health, non-sports, and non-Twitter related “news”, lately Xander (my 11-year old dachshund/golden retriever mix) has been super cuddly. He always liked to be cuddled when he was younger, but after we got Molly (and the other girls) he just kind of started hiding out. Now, he’s decided to get in any laps that he can get in. It is really nice, because I missed having him in my lap during his almost total boycott of lap-lounging. (He would get up in my lap every once in a while, or he would get where he knew I would be sitting and guilt me into picking him up and holding him. The latter was a lot less common, because it took a lot out of me.) Anyway, him being in my lap so much has kind of lowered my stress and anger levels, which is pretty damn cool. Of course, I’m still a frustrated, angry girl sometimes, but I feel a lot calmer than I have in a very long time. And he actually calmed my dad down the other day, which was nice to see.  I just hope that this isn’t some sudden shift in mood that indicates something is wrong with him.  I’m hoping that it just means that he missed being cuddled.

Oh, last week, Nana called and said that my aunt (the one that still isn’t communicating with me) had laser eye surgery.  She apparently had a retinal detachment or tear.  Her normal eye doctor didn’t think anything major was wrong, but she started having floaters plus flashers in her vision so she went to a clinic in Birmingham and found out what was going on.  I’m glad that the Birmingham doctor figured it out.  Not treating retinal detachments/tears can cause very serious problems.

My mom has also had some (not-so-fun) health issues lately.  She’s always got health problems going on, but the past two days, she has woken up with a blood sugar reading under 65.  Last night, she lowered her nightly insulin dose a little, but her sugar was lower today than it was yesterday.  I really hope that she isn’t going to have another bout of hypoglycemia.  I had hoped that she might consider at least calling a nurse at the UAB Clinic to see if they had any ideas for how she could keep her blood sugar high enough so that she didn’t risk going back into a low blood sugar state.  I guess she wants to give it time.  I shouldn’t critique that decision, since I’ve put off getting help for my own issues so many times.

Oh, if you aren’t living in the southeastern part of the United States, then you might not know that there is a Tropical Storm in the Gulf of Mexico.  Tropical Storm Lee is right under Mobile, and it is practically sitting there, not moving much at all.  That might not seem major to those of you who saw how stalling out basically weakened Hurricane Irene, but in the Gulf of Mexico there is a lot warmer water.  The storm can probably sit just off the coast for 72-hours and still get stronger, then come inland and cause major damage.  So, I’m hoping that it isn’t too bad.  On the other hand, it would be nice to have some rain around here.  I just hope it isn’t enough to cause flooding, which is probably an unrealistic hope for me to have.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Comment » | Confessions, Family, Geekery, Internet, Mental Health, Sickness and Health, Twitter

Not So Pleasantly Surprised

31
August

A few months ago, I started receiving calls from Jamaica.  It was the typical scam call, which was easily identified.  I had a little bit of fun with it, for a while, because I liked listening to their pitch.  (Sometimes, listening to a lie is fun when you know that it is a lie.)  At first, it was the typical sweepstakes stuff.  Then, they started saying how they were from U.S. Customs.  I guess that they didn’t realize that U.S. Customs wouldn’t show up as being from Kingston, Jamaica.

Yesterday, the scammers got a bit more brazen.  I’d heard of Caller ID spoofing, and I knew that they did it some of the time, usually in the second or third call that they would make in a row.  I just didn’t expect my family to get one of those calls.  Well, we did get one.  Actually, I guess my mom got the call.  It was from Humana, which is the company her Medicare supplemental coverage is through.  Unfortunately, getting my mom to start giving out personal information can be a fairly easy, especially when she has just woken up.  It is even more easy when she thinks it is someone she can trust.  She was expecting a call about something from her case worker/nurse at Humana, so she thought nothing about them calling.

About four minutes into the call, the Caller ID switched from the fake number to the real number, which lo and behold was in Jamaica.  They were about to get some private details before my dad and I got her attention and told her that it was a scam.  This woke her up, and she tried to get their contact information from them.  They didn’t give legit information and she told them that if she was interested that she would call back.  She thought my dad was mad at her for almost giving out the information, which he was a little perturbed and wasn’t afraid to express this emotion toward her.  When he calmed down, we finally were able to get across how we were going to have to be especially vigilant  about these calls and not giving out any information to anyone unless we were absolutely certain that they were legit.  We also talked about how companies and organizations that we normally will deal with are not going to ask for things like account numbers or socials or anything like that.  They might ask for the last four digits (for some) or some information that isn’t really of any use to identity thieves and other forms of scammers.

It’s weird how this new level of deceitful behavior with scams kind of mirrors some of the new types of comment spam that I have seen lately.  Once upon a time, the comment spam would be easy to distinguish.  It would have BBCode instead of HTML.  It would be filled with drug names or sex-related topics.  Now, though, it looks like the spammers are actually reading the entries that they are commenting on, because the comments almost look like normal comments.  They even seem to get past things like Akismet and moderation filters.  I guess it makes sense that spammers would eventually learn how to adapt so that they could possibly get more exposure and might reel in more people to buy their product/service/nonexistent-entity-that-they’ve-made-up-so that-people-will-pay-them-lots-of-cash.  I just don’t like that they’ve adapted.  It makes being on the internet a lot less fun.  Plus, they’re on basically every site.  I’m used to them at fuzzypinkslippers.com and LiveJournal, and I’m almost used to them at Facebook and Twitter.  Finding them at Tumblr is really annoying, though.  I know that that site is growing in popularity, but I don’t like that so many of my likes lately have belonged to spammers, including “porn”-spam.  Really not cool.  I guess no place on the internet can escape the spam.

I guess I should just get used to these people, shouldn’t I?  They don’t seem to be going anywhere, so I guess I should accept it.  It just doesn’t seem like it should be something that I have to accept.  People shouldn’t have to worry that calls that they receive might take the little money that they might have in an account or might fraudulently use their insurance.  People shouldn’t have to worry that the next comment that they get might be from a spammer who, at best, wants them to buy something once that is not worth a dime or, at worst, might unleash holy hell on their bank account or their computer or cost them in some other way.

Comment » | Confessions, Facebook, Family, Geekery, Internet, LiveJournal, Rants, Tumblr, Twitter

The Poor Basset Baby

17
August

If you are easily sickened, then you might not want to read this entry. There is reference to bodily fluids, animals, aggressive behaviors by dogs, and some fairly icky stuff.

Last night, Molly, the first Basset Hound of the family, began to whine and complain more often than she normally does. (Molly whines and complains regularly. She also barks to get us to give attention or go lay down in my dad’s bed with her.) This whine sounded painful, so I was thinking she might need to go to the vet if she kept it up. This morning, I checked a spot on her that we keep an eye on and it looked really bad. Some of it looked potentially necrotic or maybe gangrenous, and it just looked a lot worse than normal. (This is a spot that looks like a tumor and has had an infection in it off and on for over a year. She has been treated for it several times, but she’s like me with the trouble getting over infections.) My dad and I were going to clean it this morning, like we do every morning (my dad also cleans it at other times and puts Neosporin on it) and while I was looking at Alice and Gretchen, my father touched it. He touched it enough to make her yelp and, apparently, enough to cause the bit of icky tissue to come off and blood & pus to spread all over my father’s bed, Molly, my dad, and even some on me. The yelping triggered Gretchen to go into a bit of a red zone kind of area and she went after Alice. (Gretchen has always responded to Molly like Molly is her mother and Molly has always acted like Gretchen is her puppy.) So, I didn’t see the “explosion” of blood & pus, since I was trying to break up a dog fight. I did see the aftermath, and it was very gross.

I went into the living room to talk about the massive blood/pus “explosion” and ask for her opinion. I knew that I thought Molly needed to be checked out by the vet, but I was a bit hesitant to bring it up with my dad. My mom also thought it was a good idea. My dad, who is often hesitant about going to the vet’s office (because it is very expensive and usually we end up having to do non-prescription care for the fur babies issues), was actually wanting to take her to the vet after this morning’s blood and pus related problems before I suggested it to him. He was especially concerned since Molly is his baby and he was having trouble controlling the blood/pus draining out. He couldn’t get enough pressure to get it to stop for long, and any time that he did, Molly would start licking and it would begin pouring out again.

So, before the dogs were able to go out for their morning constitutional (walk) and have breakfast, my dad and I took her to the vet. I was worried that the vet would be judgmental about how bad her hip had gotten since the last visit, but he wasn’t. He said we were treating it with stuff that would normally work (peroxide, Neosporin, cleaning it), but that she needed an oral antibiotic. He also drained it some more, which was easier for him to do since Molly was in a muzzle. (She has to wear a muzzle because anytime she sees a vet or anyone in scrubs, she bites them. She was not well-treated by a vet prior to our adopting her, so she’s got issues with doctors and techs.) He said she should be okay.

He also told us that after the infection gets cleared up, which I hope that it does get cleared up this time, that we will need to talk about getting rid of the tumor. He felt that it had something to do with the tumor. I’ve heard of animals getting abscesses with tumors, but usually they’re cancerous, I think. Her tumors have always been benign/fatty tumors and the vets were willing to only really take them off after they have formed some kind of abscess. That means that they go from being non-painful to being horribly painful and to making her suffer. Honestly, I don’t get why they have a wait on it policy.

So, now I’m hoping that she gets better. I hate to see her or any of the people or animals in my family in any kind of pain or suffering from any illness. It is very depressing to see her or anyone suffer. Hopefully, this abscess will get better very, very soon.  I also hope that this tumor is not really serious, but I have a feeling it will be.  I can’t imagine her having cancer or how my dad or Gretchen would handle that.  It would devastate us all, but my dad and Gretchen would be especially upset.

1 comment » | Confessions, Family, Sickness and Health

Just Stop Touching That Stuff

3
August

I hate having people touch my stuff.  I am not quiet about this objection.  I don’t like people to touch things that belong to me.  I don’t like people to touch me.  Touching and I are not good friends.  I have intense bouts of anxiety and panic when people start touching my stuff, even if they’re just trying to help me organize.  I start feeling like my mind is on fire and like if the whole situation continues that I will end up suffering something horrible.

So, why is it that suddenly today, while I was watching the Secret Life of the American Teenager, my father decided that he would start putting my things that I have had in a box by my recliner in another box?  The old box broke, so I guess he was trying to be nice.  I should be appreciative, but it just felt like thing huge invasion of my space.  I know he probably didn’t mean to upset me, but it upsets me when people touch my stuff.  I would expect him to know this, especially considering the number of times that I’ve freaked out when my things were touched by other people.

Yet again, I am sitting here trying to stop a full-blown panic attack from happening because he was going through my things.  And I can’t tell him that it upset me because he will get defensive and angry and I’ll be reminded how ungrateful this makes me sound, which will just make things in our house more tense and more frustrating.

Why is it that people keep pushing the touching issue?  Clearly, it is something that I just cannot handle.  So, why is that I keep on having to deal with it?  I know it seems unreasonable for me to expect people to understand this boundary issue, but it just one that I have.  It is one that I have to have for my own sanity.  If I had to deal with the thought of people just going through my things whenever they wanted, then I would probably need to spend some time in a nuthouse again…and I don’t want to do that.  So, I just want people to get this.

 

1 comment » | Family, Mental Health

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