Tag: Christmas


Let Her Cry

29
December

I’m not exactly sure how to structure this post because there are so many things I want to talk about, so if it is a little more flighty than usual, then I apologize.

I guess first of all, I should talk about Christmas.  My parents and I had our Christmas meal with Nana on Christmas Eve so that my aunt didn’t have to see me or threaten violence against me.  I cried almost the entire three or four hours that my parents and I were there.  I managed to almost have an asthma attack because of the crying and I messed up my internal system by getting so worked up.  (My temperature shot up, I started getting sick, etc.)  So, it wasn’t all that pleasant.  I felt bad for my grandmother because she’s almost 80 and she’s got a lot of health issues going on, so having to have separate Christmases was tough on her physically and mentally.  (She has a lot of anxiety issues, so this whole situation has upset her quite a bit.)  I also felt bad that I couldn’t even fake a smile or a good mood while we were there.

When my mom talked to Nana about how Christmas Day went with my aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin-in-law, and cousin’s son, she said that it wasn’t a really festive occasion.  Apparently, my cousin’s son went through Nana’s house looking for me and was sad that I wasn’t there to play with him.  I almost cried when my mom told me this.  I missed him, too.  He’s the one person that I have missed every second of this whole non-communication between my aunt and me thing.  He’s just so awesome and thinks differently and is so smart and creative, so being around him is always fun.  I feel like he’s a kindred spirit.

Nana said that my aunt asked how we handled Christmas without them.  When Nana told her that I cried almost the whole time, my aunt said that that was good because I hadn’t made any effort to apologize to her.  Okay, that isn’t true.  First of all, I actually did write a “letter” via Google Docs and sent it through my uncle’s email address with a note for him to please give it to her.  While the apology isn’t a complete acceptance of the alleged wrongs that I’ve been accused of committing, it is an apology for what I did do; a request that she cease this anti-Janet “campaign”; a request that she learn a little bit more about the physical and mental health problems affecting my mom, Nana, and me so that she could understand the context of the posts I write; and questions about why she made comments to my mom suggesting that I should be kicked out of my house, that I was a bad daughter, etc.   Anyway, the apology is the best that she is going to get.  I would’ve sent it to her personally on Facebook but  she blocked me from sending her messages after I sent the message chastising her for not contacting her sister (my mom) after the June 2011 hospitalization or any of the hospitalizations/surgeries.  I can’t do it via the phone (fear/anxiety issues), face-to-face is out of the question, I don’t have her personal email address, and I just don’t think sending a letter is practical.   I would post the apology letter on here, but she doesn’t actually read this site, so it wouldn’t do any good.

On Christmas, I wasn’t just upset about the downfall of that particular relationship.  I was also upset that my maternal grandfather’s only surviving sibling had unfriended me on Facebook, as had one of his kids.  These were two of my favorite people in the family, so being unfriended saddened me.  And part of me wondered if my aunt had anything to do with it.  I hate being paranoid, but it was weird how they unfriended me shortly after she had posted something on each of their walls.  That thought/paranoia, plus the knowledge that she keeps badmouthing me to Nana and (when my mom calls her) my mother, made me very frustrated because some of the key issues with being Borderline are the fear of abandonment/rejection and intense and unstable relationships.  I think anyone who knows me in any way, shape or form could cite any number of examples that I will go to a near breakdown state whenever things change, relationships end or near an end, I start feeling unappreciated, and when I feel alone, unloved, or unwanted. So, when I was crying on Christmas Eve, I was thinking about the familial implosion, possibly killing myself over it, and how I was somehow a horrible human being.  That’s not the kind of thinking that one should have at any time, but it is especially bad during the holidays.  And that thought process and the pain that it caused makes it harder for me to come up with a way to apologize over any of this or keep quiet about how I feel.  I don’t want to excuse my (sometimes) bad behavior, but I want my family to understand where it comes from.

(BTW – When my aunt tried to lay all the blame on me for this, Nana wouldn’t have any of that.  She told her that she [my aunt] was to blame, as well, and that she was the one who wanted the family split up. She’d also told her off on the 23rd when Nana mentioned that she had to fix the table for our lunch and my aunt told her not to worry about it with us because we “weren’t used to eating at a table” anyway. )

Aside from the Christmas tear-fest, I was going to share whatever the results were from my MRI and EEG.  I went to the neurologist’s office yesterday, but (after waiting an hour and a half) I was told that the neurologist had just left to attend to an emergency at one of the hospitals.  In a small way, I was upset over not finding out the answers, but I would rather not know what was wrong with me than know that my neurologist might have wasted time with me that he could’ve spent on someone who was truly in need of his help at that moment.  (And I know that neurologists are not exactly doctors who have soft-fluffy-type emergencies.)  Anyway, my neurologist was supposed to call me sometime later in the day yesterday.  He didn’t.  He still hasn’t called.  I could call them, I guess.  The only thing I do know from the appointment yesterday is that I had lost another 6 pounds, in addition to the ~50 that I’d lost in the last year.

Oh, I finally had my T4, TSH, LH, and FSH tests done yesterday afternoon, over a month after they were originally ordered.  The woman who did the test asked me if that was my husband in the waiting room.  I silently gagged and told her that that was my father.  She told me she was glad because she had been mad when she thought he was my husband because he should know better than to be with someone so young.  In a way, I understood what she meant, but it was kind of weird to have someone say that kind of stuff.  I mean, she doesn’t know me, so what was she going to say if she had been my husband?  How would she have gotten around her disgust?  And is saying that kind of thing a good idea when you’re sticking a needle into someone?  (It could cause someone to tense up and cause veins to ‘disappear’ in someone who, like me, is a hard-stick.)

Comment » | 10 Years of Madness, Facebook, Family, FPS-Related, General, Holidays, Mental Health, My Family's Weirder Than Yours Is, Sickness and Health, So Damn Special

Pick A Day Already

10
December

It is almost Christmas, just two more weeks now, and I still don’t know when my parents and I get to go see Nana.  Apparently, my Aunt has yet to pick her day.  And since we can’t have Christmas together like a normal dysfunctional family and since, according to her, we “picked” Thanksgiving Day to spend with Nana, we can’t pick Christmas as well.

I don’t get how we picked Thanksgiving.  There is one day to celebrate Thanksgiving on and that’s Thanksgiving.  We didn’t say we wouldn’t eat with them.  That was my aunt’s decision.  And since all that we do on holidays is eat together, because they always seem like they’re ready to be somewhere else, I don’t get why we couldn’t stick food in our mouths at the same time and in the same place.  They would leave right after anyway, so I just don’t see why they can’t be grown-ups and bottle their hostilities towards us for an hour or so on two days this year.  I mean, I’ve been bottling it up (obviously) for years and they want me to continue bottling it up publicly, so why can’t they do it for two out of the 8760 hours in the year?  Apparently, that’s too much to expect.

And if we have to have separate holidays, then I think that we should get to pick Christmas.  Last year, we got snowed in on Christmas and they chose to eat lunch and open presents at my grandmother’s house on Christmas, without us.  And, according to Nana, the cousin-in-law was none-too-pleased that my parents and I weren’t willing to drive over an icy bridge, up and down an ice-and-snow-covered mountain, and down some country roads to get there in a car that’s 12 years old and didn’t even have much get-up-and-go when it was purchased, doesn’t have 4 wheel drive, and doesn’t have any winter weather gear (because this is Alabama) to celebrate Christmas with them.  Oh, and the drive would’ve been without the dogs because we haven’t been allowed to have them around this particular family member since we first got Xander.  (Odd, since they have a dog of their own now.)  So, we would’ve been leaving 5 dogs at home, without food, with a limited supply of water, and (for Willow) without their medicine.  We also would’ve had to take all of our medicine and some extra clothes with us, in case we got snowed in there.  So, I’m not exactly sure why she was upset at our not coming last year and I’m not sure how it is that they got to choose when they celebrated Christmas with Nana last year and how they get to choose it again this year.  Of course, they picked the day the family celebrated Christmas during the first few years that my cousin and his wife were married, thus leading to some issues for my family with regards to Christmas.  So, it’s always been them who gets to choose that day.  It kind of makes me feel like my family has never really been appreciated by their family.  And that’s not exactly the warm, fuzzy feeling that one should have on Christmas or at any time of the year.

It’s not like it should matter to me when we celebrate Christmas.  There are no presents to open in my immediate family, so it’s not like there will actually even be a Christmas here.  At least, not a materialistic type Christmas.  And Nana doesn’t buy presents anymore, so there won’t be anything like that from her.  So by not getting Christmas with her (again) I’m just missing out on one of the two days a year when I don’t (generally) have to cook.  Basically, I’m not getting one of my days off because some members of my family can’t put their big kid underwear on and deal with us for an hour or so.  Way to go, them.

I could easily end this by apologizing, but the more ridiculous they get with their behavior, the less I think I should.  Besides, like I’ve said many times (online and off), I haven’t said anything that I should really have to apologize for.  They’ve used the same language in conversations about other people.  Why do I have to apologize because my “conversation” is available for lots of people to read?  Their conversations are a lot more likely to be overheard by someone that could take offense than my posts are to be read by someone who would get upset.  Maybe I’m not completely competent about social mores, but how is their behavior any better than or my acceptable than mine?  How is it okay to insult or degrade people about their lives behind their backs if you’re doing it vocally, but it isn’t okay to rant about my own feelings about what goes on in my life on a website that I pay for?  Why is that okay?  Maybe whoever is reading my blog on their behalf (’cause I know they are) will be willing to have my aunt or uncle or cousin or even the in-law send me an email or something explaining that.

Sometimes I wish that I had a truly boring life.  One where my family got along and everything could be considered normal.  Then I realize that wishing for a different life won’t do any good because I’m stuck with this one.  I’m stuck in a family where our relationships are basically based on some antiquated caste system with the “better than” members not wanting to talk to or spend time with the “less than” members, where it is normal to have third parties read blog entries to find negative words and then report back about how “this” or “that” was said even when it wasn’t, where it was okay to give R-rated movies to me when I was 15 but the second I mentioned being suicidal or psychotic I started getting gifts most families would consider to be okay for a little girl, where censorship is okay when I judge but they’re allowed to spew whatever crap they want, where my dad has to get “groomed” (haircut and extra shaving) to keep them from calling him names behind his back, and where I’m told not to talk about them, but they get to lie to my only living grandparent about what I say so that maybe, just maybe she might decide to quit talking to me or loving me or something.  Yeah, that’s the family I get to have.  I should just accept it and move on.

Comment » | 10 Years of Madness, Confessions, Family, Holidays, Mental Health, My Family's Weirder Than Yours Is

Holiday Wishlist Meme 2011

28
November

I thought I’d post this meme again this year, though I do not expect to get anything. It’s just fun (for me) to make wishlists.

STEP ONE
Make a post to your blog, tumblr, facebook, myspace, what have you. The important thing is to make sure these wishes are things you really want and that people can see the post. If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it’s your address or just an email address at which you can be contacted by potential wish-granters. Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your post, so that the holiday joy will spread.

STEP TWO
Surf around your friends list/blogroll/RSS feeds (or friends friends, or just random places ) to see who has posted their list. If you have a list be sure to leave it in my comments section so I can view your wishes! If you see a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make someone’s wish come true. Sometimes someone’s trash is another’s treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don’t want or a gift certificate you won’t use–or even know where you could get someone’s dream purebred Basset Hound for free–do it.

WISHLIST
If you actually want to get me anything listed here, email me at janet.main@fuzzypinkslippers.com. I don’t expect anything, but I thought it might be fun to post it.

  1. Amazon.com wishlist - I think that I’ve got it as up to date as possible.
  2. Gift cards (iTunes, PetSmart, Target, Walmart, and Kroger) – I have a tendency to buy music when I can’t necessarily afford it, so it would be nice if I had an iTunes card to help me not blow money that should go to pay for bills. PetSmart would, of course, be used for food for the dogs. My parents and I sometimes have issues with having enough money for groceries, so Walmart and Kroger gift cards would enable us to pay for food.
  3. Chocolate – Hi, my name is Janet and I am a chocoholic. Even though I usually prefer dark to milk, I’m less likely to get sick or have massive migraines on milk chocolate, so I’d rather have some form of milk chocolate. I don’t like peanut butter or artificial cherry flavoring, so I’d prefer not to have any chocolate with those flavorings.
  4. Clothes/shoes/pajamas – I don’t have many clothes or shoes anymore, other than some ratty pajamas, a pair of sandals, and a couple of shirts and pairs of pants. I wear 8 1/2 Wide to 9 in shoes. Clothing is a little more difficult. Tops are generally 3X in Juniors (and some Women’s) and sometimes 2X in Women’s. Pants and shorts generally need to be about 2 sizes larger. Used clothing is fine. Actually, used would be great. If there is anything you just need to get out of your closet, then just send it along.
  5. Paid time/icon packages on LiveJournal- I think that my account is paid through February, but my icon packages expired about a month ago. I’d had 3 packages, so I’d like to have them back–even if only for a short time. (Also: would love to have my Flickr Pro account and Premium Membership on deviantART back — DA has a donation pool thing, so the donation can be super small.)
  6. Web host payment help – I have several domains that I use for different purposes, including one that hosts my graphics and caps for my graphics community likesototallyme. A few years ago I decided to try a VPS (virtual private server) on a free weekend and, long story short, I found out I used so many resources that I had to stay on the VPS, which is more expensive. A few months ago, after uploading craploads of caps, I had to up my resource load so the price went up. Even just a little help would be great.
  7. Stuffed animal – I love cute, cuddly things, so even though it is childish, I would be ever so grateful for a stuffed animal.
  8. Books. – I love to read and sometimes it is all I have the energy to do, so I would love to have some new books to check out. Used books are great–as long as there aren’t any missing pages and it isn’t so marked up that it is illegible, I’d love to have it.
  9. The newest versions of Paint Shop Pro & Photoshop. – That’s a pipe dream, I know, but it would be nice to have newer versions than the ones I have. (I’ve got Photoshop CS2 and the only PSP that I seem to get to work lately is 7, even though I used to have discs for X and X2)
  10. Make a donation to charity. – It would be incredibly awesome if you donated to one that I like, i.e. ASPCA, AARDA, the Human Rights Campaign, Doctors Without Borders, NARSAD, the Southern Poverty Law Center, or the National Organization for Women Foundation. Even if it is only a few dollars or your time, that would be enough.
  11. Christmas card or a letter. –  I can’t promise that I’ll write back, because if I do promise that, then it generally means it will never happen. Basically, I’d like to hear from someone who lives outside of my house.
  12. Blankets – My temperature likes to fluctuate, so I like to have a blanket nearby.
  13. My family to feel better. – We are all suffering from or dealing with differing ailments, so it would be nice if one day we didn’t have to suffer from them.
  14. To go one week without being hacked or have something quit working. – Lately things have either quit working or have gotten hacked on a pretty much weekly basis. It would be nice to get through at least a week without something bad happening.
  15. A ticket to see Breaking Dawn – I still haven’t seen it and it would be really nice to see it, since I enjoyed that book.
  16. A maid or a bulldozer or just some way to have a clean house – My house is a complete mess and I think it being this bad is part of what is making my family so sick.
  17. Surprise me! – As a control freak, this one is probably the most worrisome wish I could go with.

Comment » | General, Holidays, Internet, memes

You are the Silence in Between What I Thought and What I Said

25
November

Well, the computer came back today.  Yay.  It appears to be working fine.  Unfortunately, my external hard drive has to be reformatted again, so that makes me quite unhappy.  I guess I should just get used to this kind of geek-related disappointment.  So, I’m waiting on the formatting to finish.  I’m also trying to get my iPod to sync.  It keeps saying that it’s done syncing, but it hasn’t added ANY of the (1000+) songs that I spent the last couple of weeks listening to.  This is also disappointing.

In less disappointing news, I had a pretty good Thanksgiving.  Aside from my mom’s blood sugar dropping throughout the day, my getting a migraine from (of all the foods that could cause it) pinto beans, and finding out that my aunt is apparently going to get to pick what day she has Christmas with my grandmother before my parents and I get to (thus ensuring that she doesn’t have to see us), then it was actually quite good and bordering on superb.  Of course, when you factor all of that in, it knocks it down a few pegs.

I have to have blood work done sometime in the next week or so.  One of the doctors from the UAB Clinic wants to do his own hormone-research stuff to figure out why it is that I don’t get my period regularly.  Even though I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS, apparently, he feels the need to figure out what is going on.  So, good luck to him with that.  He thinks it is my thyroid, which is a theory I bet he will abandon when the blood work comes back with a low-end-of-normal reading on my thyroid function hormones.  Then he will probably give up.  If I sound convinced of this, it is because I am.  This is what always happens when doctors decide to check my thyroid.  I even told this doctor that, but he seems to think this time will be different.  (Maybe he is a bigger nut than I am.)

Oddly, right after he made the first call to find out if I had ever had the thyroid tests done, I got my period.  I was quite surprised by its appearance, since it had been many months since it had last come around.  Of course, it was very heavy, painful, and nausea-fever-and-dizziness-inducing.  It was not fun.  Of course, I don’t think it has ever been fun.  I think that it is over for now, which is odd, because I only got it for about a week and a day, but it could come back.  (Sometimes it just appears randomly a few days after it has supposedly quit.  It’s very rude like that.)

Tomorrow is the wonderful day which will test my dad’s anger management skills, aka the Iron Bowl.  I’m hoping that his ability to keep his temper in check this season will continue through the game tomorrow.  If he does, then it will be an Iron Bowl miracle.  There might even be holiday specials made in his honor if he manages it.

Comment » | Family, Geekery, Holidays, My Family's Weirder Than Yours Is, Sickness and Health

Heal This Hurt

20
July

At about this time last night, my dad told me that I needed to look on the Facebook profile of one of my childhood friends.  I did and saw that she had just experienced the loss of her father.  I wasn’t quite sure what to say.

Condolences are difficult no matter who has died, but when it is something that you’ve yet to go through it seems especially hard.  I don’t know exactly what is okay to say.  I don’t know if I’m supposed to offer some words that express sadness and grief over her loss, or if I’m supposed to try to offer some kind of joke or happy memory to lighten her sorrow.  I know that no matter what I say, it won’t bring back her father.  I know it won’t make her happy.  I know these things, yet I want to say something to make it better.

Do I remind her of 8th grade after the “Winter Holiday” dance when she had a sleepover for her birthday?  That was one of the last times that I remember seeing her dad.  I remember him laughing a bit about us (Josie and her party guests) messing up the pancakes that we had decided to cook for breakfast.  We put chocolate syrup in the batter, which was also composed of Bisquick and either baking soda or baking powder.  This led to the most bitter pancakes a person might ever taste.  It was one of those really embarrassing childhood moments that you wouldn’t want to remember except that you know it is also one of the greatest/funniest moments of your life.   I remember him seeming so young and so nice.  It’s difficult to think of him not being alive anymore.

His daughter is one of the nicest people you could ever meet.  She is sweet and funny and an incredible person.  So knowing that this wonderful and sweet person is in such pain is hard.  And knowing that I can’t figure out what to do to ease that pain makes me feel like I’m failing her as her friend.  Aren’t friends supposed to be able to help you through the most difficult times in your life?  I would guess that this is one of those, but I don’t know what I could possibly say or do to help her.

3 comments » | Confessions, Friends, Pre-College Years, Who I Was - Past

30 Days of Truth: Day 8

20
April

(I know that it has been forever since I started this meme, but I’m going to try to finish it up.)

Day 8 is devoted to:

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

You might think I would choose my (emotionally abusive) grandfather or the eighth grade history teacher that picked the girls in her classes. No, this will be devoted to a couple of people who are all from the same group of people. Who might they be? My cousin’s wife (not the funny one) and my maternal aunt.

The wife of the cousin shall go first.

It should come as no surprise to anyone, especially her, that she and I are never going to be buddy-buddy.  Ever since shortly after she married my cousin in 1999, she and I have pretty much been at odds.  I’m not sure if the first time that she really started acting like I was some kind of miscreant was when I accidentally (and yes, it was an accident) stepped on her wedding gown or when I made a small joke (at the beginning of her pregnancy) that it would be cool if their son was born on April 1.  (His due date was already supposed to be in April, around 2 weeks after the start of the month, so in terms of development, it wouldn’t have been a big bad thing.)  She acted like I was hoping for the death of her child.  He ended up being born February 18, the day after my 16th birthday.  He had some pretty hefty birth defects and I got why everyone was so concerned about him and was so careful with him.  The birth defects were treated with various surgeries and with stays in the hospital.  By the time he was a toddler, he was relatively healthy.

In 2002, I wrote a blog entry about her.  I was pissed off at her because she didn’t seem to care about discipline and because she wasn’t acting like she was concerned that (at 2) her son was not even attempting to talk.  Honestly, I was a bit concerned that he might have some form of developmental disorder, but if I had asked her, she would have shut me down.  (Anytime I’ve tried to ask what’s going on with him, she has shut me down or acted like I couldn’t possibly have a clue what was going on.)  At the same time, she was apparently telling my mom that she thought that there was nothing wrong with my mother.

The blog entry practically got me excommunicated from my own family and I was told to never talk about that part of our family on the blog again.  (I have, but no trouble occurred until earlier this year.)  I let my internal issues fester for years, knowing that I felt like a stranger in my own family and that this one person was basically keeping me from having the loving family that I once had.  I almost got used to having my family turn their backs (literally) toward me at family events.  I didn’t get used to seeing the eye rolls, having anything I did for the family (i.e. the Christmas where I cooked pretty much everything) treated like it was suspect, listening to the concern that maybe my grandmother was a drug addict (because she’s taken medicine for Degenerative Disc Disease), hearing that my education was worthless because it was at A&M, or having long-time family events called off (or rescheduled) for no reason.

The last thing I mentioned really bugged me because we have had a dinner on Decoration Sunday the same weekend in May every year.  Soon after the marriage, the dinners became harder and harder to get anyone from that side of the family to attend.  What made this even more annoying was that this was also the weekend of the family reunion for my mom’s father’s side of the family, and it was the only time of year that we got to see some people, including my last remaining great-uncle from my grandfather’s side of the family.  That Sunday was always special and it practically disappeared because she had to go camping or my cousin had to go to a golf tournament or something else that could’ve probably been done at any other time.  It also bugged me because there were years when my family couldn’t attend Christmas dinners because of work or illness.  We didn’t get those days moved so that they specifically fit our needs, we would just miss them.  But Christmas has been dictated by that side of the family since 1998.  In 2008 at Thanksgiving, they decided not to even make an attempt to come see us.  (They went to see friends, as they’d done the year before.)  That Thanksgiving happened to be the one where I spent the day prior cooking everything and then ended up being able to eat none of it when my mom’s sugar bottomed out.  I nearly lost my mother that year, and I didn’t even know how to get in touch with them–on the off chance that they even cared.  That Christmas, they didn’t want to celebrate it.  I balked at that.  I pretty much threw a tantrum that said that if they didn’t come then that meant that they really didn’t love us.  They came, but they were all-too-thrilled to leave as early as possible.  (They’ve left quickly since then.)

At Thanksgiving, my mom mentioned that she had been at the pain doctor the day before.  Whether my cousin’s wife realized it or not, she rolled her eyes and made a disgusted look.  After we ate, she and my aunt were talking about her son’s lack of appetite and how it might be related to his ADHD medicine.  When I asked about the medicine, she rolled her eyes and told me.  When I tried to give her some insight on how the medicine might be making him feel, she cut me off and acted like I was somehow invading on her privacy.  (I’ve actually taken ADHD medicine in the past, and I thought I might be able to help her figure a way to help him stop losing weight.)

At Christmas, my parents and I couldn’t show up because of snow storm.  They decided to celebrate it on Christmas with my grandmother anyway, even though they knew we couldn’t come.  The cousin’s wife was pissed because my parents and I had decided not to make a journey that went over the river and over a mountain to get there.  It didn’t seem to occur to her that we couldn’t get there because it was unsafe.  Our lives were worth the risk, I guess.

The final straw was when I was watching television and got to have a news anchor announce to the rest of the Tennessee Valley that my cousin’s son happened to have some sort of developmental disorder.  (He was in a performance art group for kids with disabilities and he was in the video, though they didn’t call him out by name.) I really didn’t appreciate finding out with the rest of the people in the viewing area.  It seemed like the sort of thing that could have been discussed in the almost 11 years since his birth.  I was pissed and I wrote a blog entry, which led to her calling me on the phone, getting my mom to hand me the phone, and then blessing me out.  She wanted me to apologize and to promise never to talk about her on here again.  I told her not to read about herself on here, but to never demand that I keep from talking about certain aspects of my life. Since then, the family has pretty much been split in two.  No one (from the aunt, uncle, cousin, & cousin’s wife) acknowledged the birthdays of my mom and me.  (Of course, my birthday has always been ignored by the cousin and his wife.) My cousin blocked me on Facebook.  The only way that we find out what has gone on in their family is through my grandmother, who (this time) wasn’t mad at me for what I said.

Now is the turn of my maternal aunt.

I think that the two of us started drifting in 2002.  I was annoyed at her reaction to the blog entry that had occurred back then and I didn’t appreciate being shut out of her life for almost 1 year afterward.  I have to wonder if she would’ve continued to freeze me out if her childhood friend hadn’t died or if I hadn’t had the same surgery that the friend had had prior to her death.  In 2003, things seemed to go back to normal for a little while, but it wasn’t long before I began to realize that I had completely lost her.

My aunt agreed with the cousin’s wife that my grandmother was abusing pain killers.  By all accounts, she was even going into my grandmother’s house and counting the pills.  She tried to get my mom to help do an intervention with her (and wanted her to go into a nursing home), which my mom only agreed to because my grandmother was falling down all the time.  After a medicine was changed, though, my grandmother didn’t fall as much, and my mom changed her opinion on the whole thing.  My aunt has still seemed to be of the opinion that no one really needs pain killers.

She has also participated in the discontinuation of family events, the non-contact, and some of the other unkind behaviors.  I probably would’ve let it slide except that she never called or came to check on my mom any of the times she has been in the hospital, including when she was near death from the blood sugar thing or when my mom’s had her ankles operated on.  In fact, for my mom to even get to talk to her sister, she’s had to make the long-distance calls to my aunt.  If my aunt ever calls, she only talks for a few minutes at a time.  (If my mom calls her, she’ll talk for an hour or more.)  The calling thing bugs me because my aunt and uncle have money, and they know that my parents and I don’t.

She also was the person who told my mother that she wouldn’t help my parents pay for my books for college because I would never graduate.  She’d gone from seeing me as this person who could do things to this person who would be a leech on society.  She never helped contribute to our family when we nearly lost our house or when we struggled to get even basic necessities paid for.  Instead, my dad’s sister would help.  His sister, who had always been a bit of an absentee, volunteered to help out.  She continued to help as long as she could, while my maternal aunt would go on trip after trip and buy expensive things, while continuing to claim that they had no money.

If you look at past blog entries, especially the last few years, my more annoying behaviors and attitudes corresponded quite well with the family issues.

 

Comment » | 10 Years of Madness, 30 Days of Truth, Confessions, Family, FPS-Related, Holidays, memes

Hello, This is M.I.A., Could You Please Come Get Me?

8
January

Apparently, Kate, Krystal, and Ashley were worried because I hadn’t tweeted in a while. I’m still alive. I’ve just been spending as little time on the computer as possible lately. It has more to do with migraines and dumb/sucky stuff like that than anything else. Oddly, I’ve been able to read, which probably is due to the fact that reading requires less light than computer stuff. (Pixels are bright, yo. ;) )

Today (yesterday), my parents and I went to my grandmother’s house to pick up our Christmas presents. We only stayed a few minutes, which kind of sucked. While we were there, my mom told me that the money that my grandmother had given me would be appropriated into the family fund. Ah, yes, how sweet. (I have “given” my money before–once my dad’s sister sent $100 or more for me, and I got around $20. Oddly, that was the last present she ever sent me.) She told me later she was teasing, which made it kind of okay. When we came back to Huntsville, I put the money in the bank, which my mom knew because she was in the car. Then, we had to go by Walmart because it’s supposed to snow this weekend (wtf is with the weather?) and we needed some crap. Well, I had to go get eyedrops, and my mom was getting the milk, cereal, etc. I couldn’t find the eyedrops that I had been using, but found what I thought would be a good substitute. When I came back over to the grocery side, I waited and waited and waited. I ended up looking for a notebook and some pens. I found some on sale and was waiting for my mom, who eventually showed up, and she was like, “Do you have enough money?” To this I responded, “What?” Apparently, she expected me to have the money from Christmas with me, even though I thought she knew I’d deposited it all. So, she said that I could go out to the car and ask my dad for money. I said no. She kept trying to convince me to do this, and I kept saying no. I told her I’d wait on the eyedrops, but she said she would get them for me. (She kept making a big deal about the cost.) I couldn’t get the notebook or the pens, though because the $3-$4 for those would be too much. Oddly, though, it wasn’t too much for her to get a box of hot chocolate mix (in dark chocolate–which means it’s for her) and a box of brownies (which would also be for her) which were each about $2.50. I think it’s kind of weird that she still binges on chocolate with her diabetes, but acts like getting anything with any cholesterol is an absolute sin. (She has high cholesterol, too, but she actually tries to eat things that won’t raise that.)

This was the second time this week that I’ve been ragged on for money spending. This has apparently become her latest pet peeve. When I asked for stuff from the grocery store this past week, she and my dad came home talking about the $200 that they’d spent on my list. (I got 2 cans of biscuits, a thing of rice, some chocolate [trying to cut back], a 7-up [for nausea], and some yogurt. Definitely not $200 worth of stuff.) Anytime anything is spent on me, I hear about how much I cost them. Sure, my mom will spend money on the two of them or on Willow or maybe one of the other pups, but if its spent on me, a guilt trip must be applied. My dad says that it’s because my mom is going off her Wellbutrin, which makes her more depressed, which triggers other moods. I don’t know, though. I get that it’s her bad season and that she’s taking herself off of a medicine that should’ve been helping with her mood. (It causes her to have headaches, which she knew before she was put on it this time.) Still, I don’t think that explains the incessant bitchiness. If I had a dollar for every time she’s decided to rail on me in the past few months, I could rival Warren Buffett, or that’s how it feels. I think it’s something more. I also think that she won’t get it checked out because she’ll find a way to make it sound (in her mind) like her angst toward me is justified.

Oh, I found out this past week that a certain family member told my mom back in 2002 that my mom didn’t have any disabilities and was milking the system. (As much as my mom and I argue as of late, I can say that my mom doesn’t milk the system.) I thought that was kind of funny, since this certain family member also likes to make anyone who uses pain medicine out to be a drug addict, but doesn’t care that a drug used in her house everyday is probably inadvisable for the person using it. (Since stimulants are linked to earlier onset of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and we all know that those run in the family.) I also thought it was interesting that that family member won’t discuss certain topics (when genuine concern is shown) with family members, but has yet to have a hissy fit that a video was on the news the other night about people with developmental delays and someone she won’t discuss was in it. Maybe she just doesn’t know yet.

 

Now she does. She should also know that other people get to put videos and pictures up of this, so if news outlets, groups, etc. get to talk about it, I figure I should, too.

1 comment » | +internet friends, Ashley, Family, Friends, Holidays, Janet Goes AWOL, Kate, Krystal, Mental Health, Rants, Sickness and Health, So Damn Special, Twitter, YouTube

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