Dearest Marie

Once upon a time, we were friends. We would email each other, talk on Twitter, comment on each other’s blogs, etc. It was nice. You and I were both diagnosed as Bipolar and it was nice to have someone around my age to talk to about that. You weren’t my only friend with that issue, but for a while there you were one of the closest. When you got your lap-band surgery done, I remember worrying because you couldn’t keep down food, but you didn’t want to tell your doctor because you were finally losing weight. I worried you would have nutritional deficiencies before I realized I had them. 

And you told me you worried about my health issues as well. 
 a year ago I told one person she had harassed thisThat’s why you felt the need when you were diagnosed with “Chronic Lyme Disease” to suggest I might have it as well.1 You told me that it fit my symptoms. You told me I might be able to go off my meds, lose weight, and live a life off without chronic pain if I’d just go to a Lyme specialist.2 And for a split second, I considered it.3 But then I researched it, something that you should have known I would do. When I told you that I didn’t think an infection was causing my hereditary condition,4 you huffed off like a toddler for a while before you came roaring back into my life. 

Our friendship never recovered from that, did it?

Or maybe our friendship was nonexistent from the beginning. That’s what I started thinking tonight as your tirade came in. Well, I did after I described your past behaviors, including that close friendship with a certain blogger that used to write fat-shaming posts pretty regularly, and some people started pointing out that friends don’t really act like you’ve acted. I tried to defend you. You’re bipolar and off your meds…you are just on a Lyme disease kick…you’re just having a bad day or week or month or year. 

But that doesn’t explain it. 

Because the reality is that you’ve always had a shady edge to your behavior. 

Like how you harassed one mutual friend over her past drug issues and how that compared to your Lyme disease. Or the time you harassed another person I know and you know of over her exercising routine and her teeth. Or maybe the time you went after another mutual friend calling her a bad parent for having an autistic child and eating gluten. Or maybe how you treated total strangers should have clued me in. You trolled groups for disabled people on Twitter to promote your “everything is Lyme” mindset. You said people who didn’t buy marijuana5 off the street, not from reputable/regulated dealers, for their epileptic children were bad parents. You would even buy marijuana, in a state where it’s illegal, to make homemade CBD oil & you’d brag about it on social media. You didn’t care who you hurt, whether it was a friend, a family member, a stranger, or yourself. 

 So your nonsensical transphobic tirade fits with the rest of your utter disregard and lack of even basic compassion for other people. And I am so happy my eyes are open to your cruelty. I’m glad that I am no longer having to hope that one day you’ll go back on your medicine and into therapy and be all better. Clearly, this is what the real you is like.

I don’t know why you think the transgender community wants to strip you of your rights any more than I know why you fixated on Lyme. I don’t understand why you think I’m brainwashed when you’re the person actually buying into speculation and denying facts. I don’t know why you think that it’s okay to compare the LGBTQ community to Nazis or why you think there’s a vast conspiracy to brainwash children into being trans.

Do you think that I’m going to molest children because of my past? Would you not trust me to be around children if I didn’t identify as 100% heterosexual? I mean before you determined that I was brainwashed by my trans friends.

Was I a threat then?

Am I one now?

Have you always thought of me as a dangerous person?

Did you really think I was threatening you?

These are things I wanted to ask you.

I don’t usually give people who pick fights with me multiple chances to walk away. I don’t warn them like I did you. You’ve seen me argue and you know this.

You have to at least know I would never beat you up. I’ve slapped one person in my whole life and I still feel bad about that. I mean, come on, this is me. I rant online, but I’m practically a pacifist. 

Identifying as transgender is not a result of child molestation. Being a  non-heterosexual is not the result of child molestation. This is a bullshit belief that even total homophobes and transphobes don’t express that much anymore. And being gay or trans doesn’t mean someone will molest children.

Don’t believe what fear- and hate-mongers want you to believe.

Don’t put your faith in people who won’t be honest with you.

Did you even bother to look for a legitimate source on any of those articles? Ooh. Tabloids. So trust-worthy, especially ones with links to UKIP, BNP, & Tories. But I guess that fits with your fear-mongering and with your love of Trump.6 I always knew you were a Republican, but I never realized how much hatred you carry in your heart.7

You want me to be educated on this issue, but you’re forgetting that I actually am educated. Remember early in our friendship when I was being booted from my college major with one semester left? Or that what that major was in? I know a Social Work degree and a GRE score high enough to get my Master’s is not as impressive as being able to make your own CBD oil, but it’s close, right?

I shouldn’t mock you over a lack of education. Plenty of non-bigoted intelligent people don’t go to college. Some don’t even finish high school. Your ignorance has nothing to do with your level of educational attainment or lack thereof. It really all boils down to a lack of something a little closer to the heart. 

I don’t know why I’m even bothering. 

I guess it’s to give myself closure. 

So, I’ll slam the metaphorical door on this oddity we once called friendship. I’ll bid you adieu. I hope one day you find a way to truly enjoy the world and have a good life. I just want you to know that you’re not welcome back in mine. 


  1. Or that’s how I rationalized it. 

  2. Magic beans. 

  3. Magic beans aren’t real. 

  4. Science! 

  5. Quite frankly, your belief that everything is some sinister plot if you would just take your damn medication. You might feel even better if you would stop smoking marijuana. Bipolar disorder and pot do not always mix well. Even activists for decriminalization and legalization understand that some people with some conditions cannot use it. 

  6. Even amongst Trumplodytes, your hatred is off the chart. And he’s courting actual neo-Nazis. 

  7. There are a lot of good-hearted, well-meaning Republicans out there. They get lumped in with the trash way too often, even by me. 

Huff and Puff

So, while I wait for my sunscreen to power-up, I thought I’d say that the only real use for a certain stigmatic trending topic, #TheTriggering, is to fill my 100,000+1 strong blocklist .2

I’ve seen a lot of those assholes pretend like it isn’t an attack on people with PTSD. They claim that the people who talk about needing trigger warnings aren’t “really” PTSD patients. Well, in a way, they’re correct; some who need trigger warnings are not PTSD patients. Many psychiatric ailments have environmental/stress-related triggers. Many “physical” ailments do as well.

They claim that people who talk about having PTSD haven’t really been diagnosed; that they just looked it up on the internet and randomly decided that they have it. Randomly claiming to have PTSD is apparently a lot less classy than telling a stranger on Twitter that you know more about their psychological health than they do.3 Maybe some who claim to have PTSD are faking, but I guess the shitlords don’t realize that if a person is faking a mental illness for attention or sympathy or because they genuinely believe they have it, they are still suffering from a mental illness. Guess what that means: They still deserve respect & compassion. 

Most of the posts I’ve seen that don’t bash PTSD patients are bashing non-whites, LGBTQ community members, the disabled, and other marginalized groups. They’ll glorify free speech and free enterprise, while wanting to restrict votes4 to people they don’t like and saying that a private business5 cannot ban people who violate its terms of service–they think that’s censorship.6 They deny that their harassment and bullying campaigns are abuse because, to them, abuse has to involve physical violence, but they’ll use Eron Gjoni’s supposed psychological abuse to promote those campaigns. Many profess a belief in Christianity, while not understanding its tenets. Others claim to be atheists—a belief they promote as one for morally superior individuals—while simultaneously engaging in harassment and bullying of others for fun.7 Many are Trump supporters and/or identify with KKK, neo-Nazi, or other alt-right ideologies. #TheTriggering is nothing more than a bigotpalooza. It’s sick and fucking twisted. 

And all of their hate is over what? Having to give a heads up that their words might upset others? At worst, that’s an inconvenience. They’re basically assholes complaining that they can’t be assholes to other people.8 There are kindergarten graduates who have a better grasp on how to behave around others than they do. 

Photo Credit: Pixabay


  1. Seriously. 

  2. And it’s not even all that useful since I already have most of the assholes using it blocked. 

  3. I speak from experience on this. I was told that I couldn’t have PTSD from childhood emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and bullying. I was told only military service personnel who were atracked in a war zone could have the disorder. 

  4. Voting is a form of free speech. 

  5. Twitter. 

  6. It isn’t. 

  7. If you think terrorizing another person is fun, seek professional help. 

  8. Get some manners, guys. 

Operation: Get My Life Back (& My Knee Fixed)

 Well, I survived my surgery. 

Yay!

I got to the hospital on time & got checked in/taken to pre-op almost immediately. Of course I had to do the required pregnancy test.1  

Eventually, a nurse2 came in to set-up an IV—she only stuck me once, thus allowing her to join my unofficial Hall of Fame—while my nurse3 reviewed my medical history, medications, allergies, and the results of the unnecessary pregnancy test.4 I praised Candi for her achievement and tried to interact with Danielle. I was more calm and relaxed once the IV56 was set up. Danielle said the change in my demeanor after the IV was very noticeable.7 She wasn’t really thrilled, at first, with my mom saying that she was there to mock me while my IV got set up, but my mom explained why she does that.8 But she didn’t need to. 

One big fear down, a couple more to go. 

The antibiotic they used was clindamycin. It’s amazing how my old acne medicine is one of the few antibiotics my atopy-prone body has not declared war on. I guess it’s because it’s not really used that often. Danielle said that typically they’ll give Keflex9 and, if the person is allergic, they’ll use penicillin.10 Or the other way around?  Having a Keflex allergy while having a penicillin allergy isn’t exactly normal, despite their being related. It probably happened in me because of genetics11 and because my first antibiotic allergy was Ceclor, which is related to both Keflex & penicillin somehow. Anyway, Danielle made sure I was not allergic to clindamycin before they officially hooked it up. 

When the anesthesiologist came in, he insinuated that I wasn’t allergic to the medicines I listed. That changed as I explained the reactions.  Each person who reviewed my list, including him, did not understand why I listed my orange juice allergy12 under the section for food allergies. Hmm. I wonder why a person would list a food allergy as a food allergy. 

Maybe because:

Oranges and other fruits contain proteins that are chemically similar to pollen; eating these can cause itching and irritation of the mouth in certain people, many of whom also happen to be allergic to pollen… (via Newsweek)

That article points out that orange juice allergies can be worse for asthmatics because of our already inflamed airways. There are also some who believe that orange juice allergies can be a result of salicylate (aspirin-relatives) allergies/sensitivities.13 Basically, this orange juice allergy stuff is serious as fuck. 
But I digress…again. 

Before taking me to the OR, I was given a dose or so of Versed, aka midazolam.14 In some people,15 there is an unexpected reaction16 and medical professionals can go into denial mode over it because it is pretty much the opposite of what the drug is meant for.

Eventually, I was rolled off to the OR. Special latex precautions were taken, which was expected, and was the reason my surgery took place at the hospital instead of an outpatient surgery facility. I think I was the last surgery on the schedule and there may have been a good reason. The anesthesiology team consisted of the anesthesiologists ans 2 nurse anesthetists—the 3 were monitoring me for allergic/adverse reactions. Seriously. The patient board in the OR also mentioned I had multiple allergy issues.17

Eventually, the sleepy-time doc gave me the propofol and I zonked out. My parents said the surgery took five minutes and that my orthopedist, who I saw one time today…before the surgery, said my meniscus and fat pad were fine, but that the debris in my patella was made of bone flakes and that I definitely have arthritis. He also said I need to start exercising and trying to lose weight. I got pissed when he said that because this particular doctor always dismisses that I do exercise. I told him with a previous injury that I was injured while exercising. I told him this issue became noticeable while exercising.

As for trying to lose weight?

  
I’ve lost around 27% of the weight I wanted to lose. I’ve lost 32% of what I need to lose to reach a healthy weight. I would have lost more if my knee hadn’t been fucked up since Spring. Being fat doesn’t mean I should be dismissed like this. 

Pretending like all of this is due to weight and weight alone is also bullshit.18 I’m having a hard time believing that the meniscus and fat pad1920 are totally okay, given the symptoms. I just think he’s used this to tell me that he thinks poorly of me for my weight. And that’s pathetic and superficial crap. If he’d ever bothered to listen to me, he could have come to that conclusion on his own. 

After surgery, I started talking like crazy21 to the nurses in the recovery section, including Danielle, who was literally keeping watch over me afterward. She got so busy talking to me that she almost forgot to give me a dose of Fentanyl.22 And she almost forgot once again with my Demerol dose. At first, I wondered if she wanted to give me the pain relief injections because she thought it would shut me up. It just made me worse. It wasn’t long before I was getting discharged; we did have to wait for a drug-induced23 vertigo spell to pass. 

I also had the lovely experience of a different nurse doing a bad job of removing my IV. She was trying to take the tape off without tearing my skin. I would be grateful for that effort except that, while doing that, she ended up removing the catheter24 rather violently. It started bleeding. A lot. As I mentioned earlier on Instagram, removing an IV so violently is not only painful and dangerous to people with conditions like Ehlers-Danlos or any other chronic health issues, it is painful and dangerous for able-bodied, healthy folks, too. And if you factor in the time it takes to stop the bleeding, taking it out that way costs you more time. Be careful with IVs.

Soooo…

As you have probably figured out, the IV bleeding finally stopped & it didn’t kill me. Yay!

Anyway, it’s been several hours since I got home. I’m still pretty wired and may be so for several days to come. 


  1. I chose to avoid going to the bathroom upon waking to make sure I could take the test. If I hadn’t, they might have refused to do the surgery. They almost refused my endoscopy-colonoscopy procedures a few years ago because I didn’t have enough urine to take the test. Part of that lack of pee was from the dehydration that resulted from prep. 

  2. Candi 

  3. Danielle 

  4. Danielle apologized for that multiple times, especially since she knew I was taking hormonal birth control. It’s funny how the nurses who wanted dehydrated, virginal me to take the pregnancy test a few years ago for my endoscopy-colonoscopy combo didn’t apologize for demanding the test. The one who did when I had my D&C and hysteroscopy did. 

  5. Candi gave me lidocaine to ease some pain, which isn’t the greatest to use in Ehlers-Danlos patients. 

  6. The IV itaelf was quite painful. 

  7. She understood what it was like to be a hard stick. The last time she had an IV, it took ten times. I almost asked her if she was some long-lost cousin. 

  8. I’ve repeatedly mentioned the hard stick issue. I used to, as a small child, get blood work done a lot and had IVs started, and there were always vein issues—including when, as a preschooler, I had blood work done using a vein in my foot. I also was admitted to the hospital for asthma issues and the nurses setting up my IV wouldn’t let my mom come in while they did it. I kicked and screamed and cried and they just were mocking and not compassionate. I remember that as one of the few truly dissociative moments I’ve ever experienced. As a result, I was terrified of needles until I was a teenager. My mom—who I get my bad veins from, so she’s got an idea of how terrifying and painful vein stuff can be—could keep me calm by telling jokes. The calmer I was, the easier it was to hit the veins. It’s amazing how that works. 

  9. My latest antibiotic allergy. 

  10. It was my fourth antibiotic allergy. 

  11. Thanks, Nana & Mama. They had allergies to antibiotics, pain killers, and anesthetics, too. 

  12. I vomit, have uncontrollable stomach pains, and have asthma flare ups whenever I ingest it. This even happens when it’s an ingredient in a dish. I have to check ingredient lists closely for it & caffeine, or related products. 

  13. Guess what over the counter pain medication Nana has an anaphylactic reaction to when she takes it?! Even in the form of cream for arthritic joints. 

  14. Midazolam is a benzodiazepine that is used in lethal injections to calm the convicted individual so they don’t panic as they are exposed to other drugs that stop their hearts or suppress their breathing. 

  15. Children, some death row inmates who were executed in the recent past, and me… 

  16. They don’t fall asleep or stay asleep; hyperactivity & its short-term sedative effect is actually well-documented. 

  17. There were also my bright protocol bracelets. 

  18. Yes, my weight contributes. That’s part of why I was trying to exercise. 

  19. He’s never acknowledged that the MRI wasn’t the “nothing is wrong here” situation he has suggested. Maybe he doesn’t realize I’ve seen the results. 

  20. It was swollen enough yesterday that there was a lump right over it. 

  21. I think if I ever imbibed, I would be a chatty drunk. More specifically, a chatty, giggly drunk. Alas, I shall never know, unless you count my drunk-like state when dehydrated and my intoxicated state on anesthetics and pain killers. 👋🏻, booze, I think we could have had some fun, bur jt apparently wasn’t meant to be. 

  22. She told me I’d already had two other doses of it. 

  23. There were quite a few meds in my system. 

  24. The tubing that goes under the skin & into the vein that connects it to the IV.