Tag: arguments


How to Hold My Heart

30
September

Do you ever feel like you have the same exact argument with the same people on a regular basis? Even if it isn’t daily, weekly, monthly, etc., does it seem like the same problems are hashed out? Does it seem like they never get fixed and that the only change is that they get worse?

I swear that in the past few (2 or 3) weeks, the same argument has taken place 4 or 5 times. My mom will get upset because I haven’t done something on her schedule and I am, therefore, punishing her. My dad will get upset because I “never do anything”, “eat all the time”, and “act hateful”. Because of these supposed infractions, he gets to tell me that he won’t ever help cook. (I can’t walk the dogs. I’ve tried walking, and somehow my inability to walk in our neighborhood [or anywhere else] constitutes a reason to say, imply, or insinuate in some way that I am lazy.). And I always seem to get blamed for his behavior. I don’t really get that. He said that he learned to be hateful from me, which is rather crazy. I’m fairly certain that he was hateful before me. I would bet that his hateful streak inspired him hitting my mom when I was a baby and I would bet that the anger that he holds has helped to inspire my temper. As for the eating all the time, he now counts any time that I go into the kitchen to get my mother food or to get myself water or to eat a cracker as “eating all the time”. All of the food is in the kitchen. I go in the kitchen between 6-10 times a day, 2-3 of those are related to cooking dinner. The rest are generally getting water for me and my mom or food for my mom. I don’t get it. Then, when I make a statement to him that I don’t appreciate being accused of eating too much all the time, he says that he didn’t say it. Apparently, “eating all the time” and “eating too much” are not the same. I guess that could be true, but it doesn’t seem like he’s implying a kinder statement.

He also said that I snap at the two of them, which is true. Generally, when I snap at them, it has to do with the two of them expecting something that they know (or knew) I couldn’t do. Apparently, he didn’t realize that I can’t walk down the sidewalks of this neighborhood. My mom didn’t realize it either. That was a bit amusing to me, since I told them almost every day and night that I would walk the dogs starting a few years ago. I reiterated it when I went out in the early morning to try to walk some, got 2 houses down, and had to come home because it felt like my ribs and back were breaking. Of course, since they don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. I swear, I need to start videoing my life so that I have proof that I tell them these things. I am so sick of being told that I’m not telling them things that I’ve told them for so long. I’m tempted to find out if they’re both suffering from some major form of dementia and, if they are, dump them at some home or at some other family member’s house. I am not becoming the caregiver of either of them if that happens. I went through enough of that when I was a kid. Going through it again, especially when I don’t feel well, is not something I could handle. I don’t care if they tell me I’m heartless. I don’t care if they say that I’m a bitch. I refuse to do certain things.

Comment » | Confessions, Family, General, Rants

Skeeball, God, and Headaches

28
March

I had my splints from the surgery removed on Monday, which was after I had had a day of cold sweats and nausea. (My mom thought at first it was blood or drainage from the surgery, but now is considering that it might be an ulcer.) I then had headache and eye issues, which have caused my glasses to sometimes make my vision worse and have caused me to sometimes be able to see fine print on the television clearly (thus causing a need for no glasses at times). (It’s driving me crazy.) The swelling has gone down on my nose, and I noticed a small bruise on the bridge of my nose, which I guess is from the ethmoid sinuses being worked on.

I had been arguing somewhat with some people on a message board for a local television station. I realized I felt worse after the arguments, which might have been due to my blood pressure elevating somewhat. (Before anyone jumps to any crazy thoughts, it is perfectly natural for the blood pressure to go up when you get annoyed.) But the last of the arguments entailed someone saying that I was Satanic for telling someone who was praying over the “mistake” passed by Congress that God was too busy playing Skeeball to answer silly prayers right now. (I support HCR, and had grown tired of being attacked constantly for my viewpoint.) I tried to inform them that this was a reference to Dogma, but they had no clue.

I also had an argument with my dad. The internet was acting up, and I was asleep. So, he stomped over to my desktop and was fiddling around and saying stuff about me. This woke me up, and the argument ensued, where I got to hear all of my failings and how I am irresponsible. It’s basically the same things he says every time we have an argument. I told him since I was so irresponsible, I would let him cook dinner that night, since I had really appreciated the “opportunity” to have to cook it the Friday after I had surgery (the next day). He said I whined too much about my little sinus problem. He told me how he hated that he had to waste his time taking me places, especially since he had to get up so early that day (the week prior) for my surgery. Apparently, my surgery was an inconvenience to him. I felt like I was going to cry, which didn’t happen until I finally ordered that he go take a nap. (Yes, I ordered my father to go take a nap.) My mom had been out of the room during most of the squabble and came back in, trying to make sure that I didn’t start crying. (If I cried, it would cause me to bleed.) I cried for a while, while I fixed what I could about the internet issues. (He’s finally admitted that the main internet issue is with the company that provides the service, and not…surprisingly…me.)

I had to get back on Facebook the other day because my family was starting to worry about me since I had disappeared since the splints. I found it odd that my father was able to tell them that I was in surgery on my mini-laptop that I let him borrow (actually, he kind of took it assuming that he could use it without really asking), but couldn’t tell them that I was in pain, fatigued, nauseous, etc. He couldn’t even tell his own sister how I was doing. Ugh!

I wouldn’t be on the computer right now, except that if I don’t keep my mind active (which entails sitting up at a certain angle and continuously doing things), then I fall asleep and sleep for 12 hours at a time, almost round the clock.

4 comments » | Facebook, Family, Friends, Rants, Sickness and Health

If I Ever Lose My Faith

26
July

Over a year ago, I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormon Church). For a while, I went regularly. I went to YSA stuff. I did everything possible. I didn’t feel like I belonged, though. Yes, I believe in many of the spiritual beliefs of the church. I always have held those beliefs, but I also feel like sometimes I’m lying.

First, if you ever go on Fasting Sunday, you hear people say, “I know this church is true” or “this is the only true church”. I believe the church is true, but I don’t think it’s the only true church. I don’t believe the president of the church is the only person who might have some kind of special connection with God. I was asked before I joined if I believed he was the Prophet, and I said yes. This is true. I think in a way of speaking he is, but I don’t think he’s the only conduit to God. I believe the Pope has a special thing with God. I believe the Dalai Lama does as well. I believe that there are people who have no major position in a church that have deeper spiritual insight than others who may have a major position.

On the first Sunday of every month, we’re supposed to fast for two meals. If we ever have a major issue, we’re encouraged to fast and pray. I don’t understand fasting. I don’t think of it as a good thing. Maybe it’s the fat girl part of me or the hypoglycemic, but I don’t see how deprivation of resources makes someone closer to a religious ideal. Yes, it may give you some kind of insight, but you’ll find that often times when your sugar starts dropping, you start having all kinds of interesting thoughts.

Tithing is something that I’ve gotten frustrated about because I’ve heard people say that if you have a choice between paying for food/rent or tithing, you’re supposed to pay the church first. The church is good, in some cases, about helping. Right now, they’re helping my family with physical things, like mowing our lawn, but when my father lost his job and we were about to lose everything, they weren’t there. They didn’t want to help us. Possibly, they blamed this on the lack of money for tithing, but how was my mother supposed to justify sending the only income that our family was receiving at that point to the church and not paying for our medicines or food or house payments? How can you justify telling someone that their life’s necessities aren’t as important as funding for a church that can afford to decorate temples in such splendor?

We’re not supposed to swear, but sometimes I just want to scream fuck or shit or some combination of about fifty words put together to express how pissed off I am or how happy I am or something. Maybe that shows a degradation of my speech patterns or that I’ve “watched too many R rated movies”, but I think it just shows that, at heart, I want to be human.

Every week, my “friends” from YSA (the same people who don’t call, write, email to find out where I’ve been for the past six months) send me a new Cause/Group invitation on Facebook, which is really the same invitation to a different group that supports the same thing. It’s always about focusing on the family, which is LDS for one man-one woman. Well, I’ve never said that I support legalization for only straight couples. I’ve tried to speak up to my friends to tell them that there’s this vast world out there with people who don’t just fall in love with members of the opposite sex and that these people deserve shots at having loving families, too. I don’t want to tell any of my friends that they can’t marry the person of their dreams, even if that person is the same sex as them. (Now, if the person is underage, then I do have an issue with that, but otherwise, I don’t have a problem with it.)

Of course, any time I try to speak my mind about ANYTHING I get shut down. I said I was voting for Obama before the Halloween dance last fall, and Jennifer and Jamie tried to use peer pressure to get me to say I’d only vote for Republicans. I was at the ward YSA’s Break the Fast and people were talking about politics, and I started to say something and the topic was changed. I’ve gotten in arguments with people from other stakes because I refuse to follow this one way of thinking. I don’t think it’s right that we should all have the same opinion because I’m a big believer in Free Will (or as the church calls it “agency”) and to take away my right to say that I want to choose my own path in life, seems like it goes in defiance of what God wanted. I also get frustrated at people trying to force me to believe Creationism and giving up a woman’s right to choose. I feel like in order to appease the members of my ward and stake that I am being asked to give up myself. I don’t want to do that. I rather like me. I know I’m liberal. I know I’m the girl who believes in equality for all and I don’t feel ashamed of that. I don’t feel ashamed of my beliefs in different things and sometimes I feel like people want me to. It’s like I’m supposed to give up who I am to be a part of this group so that we can all feel good about being similar, but I’m not similar. I want to feel good about being in a group that accepts me for who I am.

And we’re not supposed to have multiple piercings (I have 3 in one ear, 2 in another [used to have 3 in both, but one fell out and healed in like 2 days]) or tattoos. This is evident on tattooing and body piercing. BTW – this quote bugs me: “They will someday regret their decision.” Do you know what I regret about my piercings? That I don’t have more. As for tattoos, I would love to have tattoos. I really would. I like tattoos, but the reason I don’t have any is that my father would really and truly kill me if I got any.

And modesty? If I had the right body, I would totally wear “immodest” clothing. I like strappy tops. I like shorts. I like things that look like they’d be fun to wear. I don’t like the idea of wearing clothes that make you sweat like a pig during the summer.

But my main issue is that as a woman I will never get to be a church official. Yeah, I could repent of all my eccentricities and end up in the Relief Society leadership, but I don’t see how that compares to the possibility of leading a congregation or a stake or a mission or a temple or the entire church? How is it right that because I got a little extra on a chromosome that I’m suddenly not entitled to priesthood secrets?

2 comments » | General, Rants

Did You Say Meow?

6
November

Well, I went through my makeover, but I can’t really talk about it or show pictures until after Thanksgiving. It had a pretty good reception at school on Friday.

I was going to go Christmas shopping yesterday, but I couldn’t figure out what to get anyone. I’m going to go the day after Thanksgiving with the help of Klonopin. I have already bought one present. I wanted to get everything over before the major rush of shoppers, but it looks like that’s not going to happen.

I’ve decided that I’m going to learn to drive sometime in the next few months. That way I can go visit Nana more often. I would say that I could go on my days off next semester, but that would just be Saturday and Sunday. I think I may have surprised my dad by saying that I need to learn to drive soon.

I had an interesting experience on Wednesday. The President of the Social Work Club got into a fight with a girl with braids and a tattoo. According to “braids”, “President” had slept with her husband. They’d been having a lot of arguments that day, and things were just escalating. Well, it culminated in a fight; 2 fights actually. The fight was between Diverse Populations (we’d gotten out early) and Art of Interviewing, both in the sense of time and where it was happening. The first time it was stopped, “President” went to the Social Work chairperson’s office to cool off. “Braids” was left to pick up her stuff. Well, as she picked up her stuff, she was insulting “President”. “President’s sister” was in the hall and she went after her. Somehow “President” heard and she came out there looking thoroughly pissed. They fought and a chair was thrown. The campus police came and took all 3 girls to their station. There were about 5 people out in the hall when the fight began, probably all Social Work majors, and no one knows who started the fight. I guess the police figured out because I saw “President” in Bibb-Graves Hall on Friday. I thought that “President” probably threw the first punch because of the SW student amnesia. I also thought that both girls would get expelled. I also think that whoever stepped on my toe owes me an apology. You’d think they would notice that they’d stepped on my toe. If they can’t figure that out, then are they going to be able to feel it when they run someone over?

Oh, I had a lovely experience on Tuesday when I went to register for classes. My account had an encumbrance against it. Apparently, my financial aid hadn’t gone through. Well, I went on Thursday and paid off my account before walking up to the Financial Aid office and asking what was going on. My financial aid paperwork had gotten “stuck” while it was being processed. The girl in the office went ahead and approved my Pell Grant and loan, both of which were small considering last year’s income. Of course, just a few minutes ago I looked at my fee and payment information. I’m not going to get my money back. The Pell Grant paid, but they took it away with the “Bal of Financial Aid”. WTF? That means that they’ll do the same thing next semester and I’ll have to pay some more. You know, full rides should literally be full rides. I shouldn’t have to pay, and I shouldn’t have to have my grant and loan money taken away. I need things like new clothes (which I need since I’m falling out of some of mine) and school supplies that I can’t get when they take way my money to balance out my financial aid.

I hate to beg, but can anyone please volunteer to help ask Question of the Day or Daily Debate questions on Celestial? I’d just need people who could ask questions on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. You wouldn’t have to ask thought-provoking questions. Just ask something interesting. The QotD could be about a lyric from a song, a line from a movie, or a survey-like question. The DD doesn’t have to be what’s going on in the news. It can be something silly or serious. Please help me, guys/girls!

7 comments » | Alabama A&M, Alabama Weirdness, Family, Internet, Message Board, School

     

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