6
February

Can’t and Won’t Are Different Things

I’m going to start this by saying that I love my mother and father dearly because I may say some things that indicate otherwise.

I’m tired sleep deprived.  I don’t get to sleep well very often.  I’m always doing something for someone, whether it is waking up every two hours to get my mom food and water or waking up every morning to wake my dad up (even though he has an alarm clock) or waking up to cook dinner for them.  I’ve become a mother to my parents, and that might be okay, except I don’t want to be their mother and I don’t feel like I can keep doing these things for them.  I can’t quit, though, because it isn’t a job.  And I try not to complain because I know that they both don’t feel well and I know that my dad does some things around the house that I can’t do.

Still, I want to quit.  I want to run away and hide somewhere where they can’t find me.  I want to leave and never come back.  And I know that that is selfish, but I just cannot deal with this any longer.  I feel like shit and I need to sleep, but I can’t because someone always needs me.  So, the more sleep I miss, the grumpier that I get and the worse I feel.  I try to point this out, and it is remembered for all of two seconds before I get my marching orders again.

My mother fell last weekend and cracked her ribs.  She wouldn’t go to the doctor for the first few days after the fall, but just kept whimpering like a hurt animal.  She said she couldn’t go to the doctor because my dad wouldn’t take her.  She hadn’t told my dad she needed to go, and he can’t exactly force her to go.  (He knew she needed to, but I don’t think he wanted to try to convince her.)  So, I told him that she needed to go, and I told her that I told him that she needed to go.   She went to the ER last week and found out that her ribs were cracked.  The doctor at the ER couldn’t give her any extra pain medicine (because she’s on one with an opiate antagonist in it), so he gave her Flexeril.

My mom doesn’t do so well on Flexeril.  Every time she takes one, she ends up sleeping through days and wondering around in a stupor.  She gets whiny and she gets more clumsy.  And this leads to her falling more often and to her making claims that we either don’t love her or don’t take care of her or don’t pay attention to her.

Case in point, she fell last night.  She had already fallen about 12 hours earlier and managed, with some help, to get up on her own.  (Keep in mind, when she broke the ribs last week, she got herself off the floor with absolutely no help.)  Last night, though, she wasted her energy holding on to a door frame during the fall, so she was too tired to try to get up when she finally completed the fall.  We had to call the ambulance.  Even though she was fine, other than that she was in a drugged out state and a little sore, she decided she had to go to the emergency room.  There was nothing wrong, but she needed to have tests run to prove that to her.

When my father and I were going to call the ambulance, she first accused us of not taking care of her and not loving her.  This was after I’d managed to hear her call (over Mims’ “Like This”), run to her, then run to my dad’s room and gotten him up, and we’d both spent about 30-45 minutes trying to help her get up.  My dad had tried to basically pick her up, even though she weighs about 100 pounds or so more than him.  I’d moved pieces of furniture toward her that I thought would help her get up easier.  My father was out of breath and worn out.  I was about to pass out or vomit or both.  But because we headed toward the phone to call someone else to help her, which she had asked us to do a minute earlier, she determined that we didn’t care enough for her.

When the paramedics got here, she enjoyed slinging some barbs at our expense.  My dad drove to the hospital at 3:30 or so in the morning, even though he has trouble seeing at night, so that he would be with her at the ER.  (I stayed here, as I usually do.)  When she got home, she had my dad fix her 2 breakfast burritos.  A couple of hours later, she woke me up with an order for a bagel and cream cheese.  And at about 1 pm, she asked me to fix her 2 small frozen chicken biscuits, her 32 oz. cup of water, and hot chocolate.  That wouldn’t be such a big deal if we had a decent microwave, but since the biscuits took about 5-6 minutes to cook, as did the hot chocolate, and I didn’t feel like I could waste the energy sitting down and standing up, I ended up standing up during the 12 minutes it took to do this.  A while after she had eaten that and had gotten up for a minute, I ended up having to move her back onto her couch.  And she was still in the “my family is awful to me” mood, which made it that much harder.  (Somehow, the moodier she is, the less cooperative she is.)  She even said it a few times, which I wanted to scream at her over.

I get that she is in pain, but she is stuck in this bubble.  She thinks that no one takes care of her, which is ridiculous.  We do everything that she asks for and she still gets pissed off at us.  And she’s doing more of her “I’m worse than you are” comparisons again.  She’d stopped for a few days, but she’s back at it.  If I tell her that I’m going to faint, I don’t exactly want her to try to one-up my statement.  I want her to say that I should go sit down or take a break or something that I would think a mother would suggest to their daughter when their daughter said something like that.  And, this may sound petty, she always seems to fall more (and have to go to the ER) when I have an appointment with a doctor or someone that I need to see.  She may not plan it, but it almost always happens that way.

So I’m frustrated.  And I’m sitting here with a splitting headache, and I know that I can’t take anything for it because my mom might need me and my dad is getting in his much-needed rest.  So I’m going to try to avoid talking to anyone on the internet until I get a little bit of sleep because, until then, I am going to be bitchy.

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5
July

If It Were You, Even If It Never Will Be Or Already Was

I have a tendency to have a differing opinion than people.  This is pretty much the norm for me.  Part of the time, I think it may have to do with an inner desire to not be like everyone else.  Other times, I think it is because I literally think differently than others.  My brain has a way of interpreting things that is probably different than others, whether it is from mental illness, from abuse and bullying, from the way I was raised, or from something differently.

When it comes to the criminal justice system, I tend to get asked about what I would do if it was a family member or friend of mine that got killed or had any sort of violence committed against them?  How would I feel?  Maybe I would say someone was guilty, regardless of evidence.  Maybe I would want someone to be executed, regardless of crime.  I get that some people see the world as being a place where if it happens to you, then you will want some sort of vengeance.  Maybe I would, but I don’t think so.

When I was 14, I had a friend who was almost killed by her oldest brother.  He also injured 2 of her 3 siblings and killed their mother and father.  He almost attacked another one of my friends that day.  I had been at the house the day before.  I had seen her mother.  I had heard her voice.  For me, that was very difficult to deal with.

When I was 15, a guy from my grade and his sister who was a year younger than me went missing.  I think that the father was either missing or his body was found in his home.  I do know that the kids were found a while later in the woods nearby.  They had been killed by their father.  Though these deaths were tragic, I never really felt sorry for either child.  I know that sounds awful, but they were always so mean and hateful, that empathy was something I couldn’t imagine having towards them.

Long before I was born, my mom’s mom’s mom’s sister was killed by her ex-husband.  This death led to most of her kids going to one relative.  One of her older kids was not sent to that relative because they didn’t like her.  No one really thought they could handle her, except Mama and Papa, my great-grandparents.  They raised her, and though she wasn’t legally their child, I think of her as a great-aunt and Nana always calls her her sister.  But the grief over the murder of a relative that I have never known is something that has always been a part of my family’s interaction.  My mom tries to keep it light-hearted by telling me that my great-grandmother wanted to light the murderer’s grave on fire.  I know that the way that the members who were alive back when it happened, during my mother’s childhood, carry the angst with them.  In a family that never forgets and rarely forgives, this kind of thing can’t help but cloud your life.

In April 0f 2008, I had a friend that got killed in an accidental shooting.  He was headed home late at night and lived in an apartment complex.  The apartments all looked the same and he was apparently a little out of it.  He didn’t understand why his key wasn’t working on the front door, so he headed through the sliding glass door.  It was the wrong apartment, though.  The person who lived there shot him.  The shot was fatal.  He went from being a law student to being a statistic.  Many of my high school friends still have pictures of him as their profile picture on Facebook, even with it being something that happened over 3 years ago.

The next April, a guy who was in my stake’s YSA died in a horrible car accident. It was a supposedly a DUI. The car that hit his car was driven by an illegal immigrant.  The death of this guy that I knew and his girlfriend has been used by people who didn’t know them as a rallying cry to get rid of illegal immigrants.  It was even cited at one point by Mo Brooks, who was recently in the news for saying he’d do anything short of shooting immigrants to get rid of them, as a reason why we should get rid of immigrants.  He ended up being elected to Congress and part of his election was based on his rhetoric about this death.

Though I hadn’t been to the school in almost a year, I was technically still listed as a student when the UAH shooting by Amy Bishop took place in February of 2010.  I would have just had to reapplied (as a technicality) and signed up for classes to be considered a current student.  Even though I wasn’t going that semester, I had friends that were still students there.  I had friends who were in that general area earlier in the day on the day of the shooting.

Because of these deaths and others, I can fairly easily answer the questions of if I would feel differently if someone was killed in a certain way.  If I’m asked how I would feel about the death penalty if it were someone that I knew, then I can easily say how I would feel because I’ve been thinking about this kind of thing for a long time.  If I were asked how I would feel if someone I knew was harmed by an immigrant, I can say with a clear conscious how I would feel.  If I am told that people are never accidentally shot by someone in legal possession of a gun, I can tell them that that is bullshit.  If I’m asked about how I’d feel if someone I knew were harmed in a shooting at school or work, then I can think back to the fear and sadness of the shooting at UAH.

Between growing up in a liberal/politically-oriented family, losing these people, and studying social policy in and for school, I haven’t come to my opinions about things just by chance.  I’ve had to live some of it.  Other parts I’ve had to look up.  I can tell people that I never express an opinion that I haven’t tried to learn as much as I can about.  My parents always encouraged me to learn.  They always encouraged me to feel.  They also taught me that I had to think for myself.  I didn’t have to agree with anyone as long as I held an opinion that I understood completely.  I know that people think I am uninformed.  I know some think that I’m un-American or a bigot.  Hell, yesterday I got the following response to something I had said on immigration:

Mexico just DEPORTED over 2,000 ILLEGALS from their country, in the past month. Why is it, you do not want to give Americans the same Equal right? I will tell you why. You are an Anti-American bigot, wanting to deny the American people, the same EQUAL RIGHTS as the rest of the world. The right to a sovereign nation.

Just as I think of people who disagree with me as being unaware of all facts on issues, I get the same comments thrown at me by people with differing opinions.  And I have been called a bigot and a racist many times before, which is odd to me.  I’m not a racist.  If anything, I’m more on the egalitarian way of thinking.  (I’ve apparently been anti-bigotry/anti-racism and pro-equality since my mom and I passed a cross being burnt somewhere nearby when I was a toddler.  She said I asked what it was and she told me that it was some very bad people doing something very wrong.  Later in my childhood, when it happened and made the news, I found out what it meant.)  I know that it is easy to call someone a bigot or anti-whatever, though.  It’s easy to assume that no one knows what they’re talking about, and maybe I don’t know the same things that others know.  That doesn’t mean that my knowledge/experience is anything less important, though.

Anyway, I don’t know if this post makes any sense at all.  And now I’m annoyed ’cause I read about the David Duke potential campaign for President in 2012, which I think is one of the worst pieces of news I’ve heard in a while.

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4
July

The 4th

Happy Fourth of July!  I hope that everyone is having a great day.  This isn’t exactly my favorite holiday in the world.  I used to love it a lot, but now it seems kind of like any other holiday.

I don’t get why people call it the nation’s birthday.  It seems like the country’s birthday would be the anniversary of it winning the American Revolution or the day that the Constitution was officially ratified.  The day the Declaration of Independence was adopted just doesn’t seem like a birthday to me.  Independence Day should be the celebration of that, but calling it America’s birthday seems like the equivalent of saying a person’s birthday is the day their parents either had sex or the day that they were conceived.  It disregards that the colonists could have lost.  It disregards the struggles with regards to the Articles of Confederation and the framing of the Constitution.

Even after winning the war, the country might not have been “born”.  The war just guaranteed that initial bit of independence from Great Britain.  It didn’t guarantee that the country would last or that the states would want to stay together.  They could have split up.  So, it seems like we should celebrate another day as the birthday.

Anyway, other than my being annoyed at the birthday thing, I’m annoyed about my neighbors shooting off fireworks.  It is illegal to shoot them off within city limits.  They do it every year.  They don’t just do it on the Fourth.  The fireworks go off from the 1st of July through around the 7th or so, when they run out of them.  These are probably the same people who would advocate capital punishment against anyone who committed any crime and the same people who say that illegal immigrants are evil people because they violated the law by coming here.  (Some of the people who support launching them even though it is illegal are literally the same people who have said that all of the laws of the country/state/government have to be followed and respected.  They will advocate on behalf of laws that violate the Constitution, but heaven forbid you ask them to not illegally shoot off fireworks.)

For the record, there are shows for people to go to so that they can see fireworks.  These shows have permits that grant them the right to shoot the fireworks.  These shows are closely watched by safety people.  These shows are okay.  These shows I have no problem with.

I might not get so annoyed by the fireworks my neighbors use if the litter from those fireworks didn’t end up in my yard. I would be less upset if they didn’t disregard burn bans when they are in effect. (People will set the fireworks off when there are full burn bans in place, even though it compromises public safety.) I would be even less annoyed if I didn’t have to spend 6 hours on the nights they do this keeping Gretchen calm.  Having to comfort a terrified dog those 6 hours and then keeping an eye on her and making sure that she doesn’t continue to have issues for another 6 hours gets to a person.  I think that if my neighbors had to spend their holiday weekends trying to keep part of their family calm because someone was outside their house violating a law, then maybe they would get why I get so pissed about the fireworks.

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19
June

Go **** Yourself

A few days ago, there was a bit of a war of words between some of the political blogs on Tumblr.  This “war” came to a head with one of the people saying, “Go kill yourselves you feminazi twats.”  Now, I get that this particular person was frustrated, but I have a rule that I prefer not to follow people who use the phrase, “Go kill yourself.”

Now, I get why he said it.  I really do, but when he said it, he lost me as a follower.  Now, he probably doesn’t really care that I unfollowed him, since I’m fairly certain that he has plenty of people that he would rather have following me.  And even if he does care, then that’s his issue.

I find it to be wrong, in a society where we are constantly reminded of the struggles that so many people go through, that people take to telling one another to go kill themselves.  Even if you’re just blowing off steam or being sarcastic, this kind of language shouldn’t be used.  Before anyone jumps on me saying that people have a right to say whatever they want, I’ll point out that free speech only goes so far.  Encouraging someone to harm his or her own person or words that are meant to start an argument which could result in a breach of peace do not fall under First Amendment protection.  Clearly, when you’re calling someone a “feminazi twat”, you’re not saying that to make the world a more peaceful place.  Instead, you’re igniting and encouraging more offensive rhetoric.  Using the phrase “go kill yourself” might not be meant to encourage someone to actually go kill himself or herself, but it is a suggestive phrase that, when said to the wrong person, could encourage that person to take an action that might end their life.

Yes, I know that most people wouldn’t harm their own life after reading that phrase, but there is a possibility that the statement might be read by someone who comes from a background where they are belittled or abused in a way that this kind of language triggers a self-destructive nerve in them.  This kind of rhetoric towards those people might lead to the person taking a course of action that could put their life on the line.  This is why I try to unfollow anyone who suggests that anyone take this course of action.  I know that that might sound ridiculous or lulzy or stupid or ignorant, but I don’t care.  I have a right to not read statements that I feel are not healthy for me or for others.

I know it may seem ridiculous for me to write a post about something that occurred days ago, and is probably no longer a subject of interest for anyone, but I felt that I needed to express my feelings on this kind of statement.  I feel that the internet has become very lax on this kind of expression.  It sometimes seems like sites and people are so afraid of censorship that they openly allow statements that are just completely inappropriate.  Since this statement is, in my opinion, inappropriate, then I feel like I have the freedom to say that I am disturbed by this kind of sentiment.

I understand that sometimes, in the heat of an argument, people might say things that they don’t mean or that they know they shouldn’t have said.  Maybe that’s the case here, but I will probably never know for sure.  If it is the case, then that’s good.  If not, and this is the actual sentiment of the person who said it, then I find that grossly disturbing.

If you have finished this post and made sense of what I’ve said, then you deserve a cookie.  Otherwise, no cookie for you.

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12
May

The Impossible Will Take a Little While

I’m still looking for other ways that folks can help out people impacted by the April 27 storms. I mentioned some ways to help in this post. I know on LiveJournal that there is a community called Help the South, which is helping by providing fandom-related stuff for donations. There’s a concert tonight on CMT (which will be simulcast on Alabama Public Television), which will raise money for the American Red Cross. There are also Facebook pages, i.e. Toomers for Tuscaloosa (not just helping in Tuscaloosa), Smithville, MS – April 27, 2011 EF-5 Tornado Recovery Effort, Pictures and Documents Found After the April 27, 2011 tornadoes, Animals Lost & Found from the Tornadoes in Alabama on 4/27/11, Prom Dresses for Tornado Victims, and Photographers helping restore memories of April 27, 2011 tornadoes. I’m not sure of other ways to donate. It seems like there should be a way to donate gift cards or the pre-paid credit cards for folks to use on supplies that they need, including food.

Speaking of food, my dad went by our insurance agency yesterday to find out if food spoilage was covered by the company. It is, but the deductible is (apparently) $1000. We’re also going to have to have our roof replaced, which (from what I’ve been told) is under a separate deductible. Honestly, it seems like it should all be covered under home owners and should all be covered. Of course, what should be and what is aren’t always the same thing.

I pretty much slept through the past day. I’ve been up a few times, even on the internet, but I haven’t really been able to wake up completely in around 36 hours. I mixed my Tramadol, Flexeril, and Tylenol, which seemed to amplify the effects of all 3. Now, I’ve been staggering around in a bit of a sleepy stupor.

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6
May

April 27 Storms – Ways to Give

Right now, a local news station (WHNT) is doing a telethon for the April 27 tornado outbreak that touched many states, but devastated quite a bit of my area of Alabama.

Money raised by the telethon will benefit the American Red Cross in the Tennessee Valley (where I live) and will go to help victims of the storm. If you can donate, please do. You can do so via the station’s website or by calling 1-866-577-0190.  (I think that they are accepting phone calls until 11:00 PM CDT on May 6, 2011–or 5 AM UTC May 7, 2011.)

Other ways to help out victims are to make donations to the following charities & businesses:

American Red Cross can accept donations in other ways, including via texts to 90999 (a $10 donation will be added to your next phone bill). If you want to donate items, though, you will need to contact an organization such as the Salvation Army or, perhaps, the United Way.

Manna House, which is run by The Rock, is collecting supplies for people. Typically, they provide food for anyone in need. They are currently looking for folks to donate instant coffee, socks, hand soap, hand sanitizer, large trash bags, diapers & wipes, batteries, ponchos, duct tape, work gloves, and new clothing. They are also accepting donations via PayPal.

Security Finance in Huntsville is accepting donations of clothing, food, water, and diapers. I don’t know their website, but a phone number for them is 256-746-1976. (Ask for Laura Barnett.)

In the state of Alabama, you can use the 211 system to be matched up to volunteering opportunities. You can also register via the Governor’s Emergency Relief Fund.

If you can help in any way, even if it is encouraging others to donate, please do so.  So many of the homes and businesses that were hit by the storms are either significantly damaged or destroyed.  A lot of people have lost their homes or their friends/family, so anything you can do to help would be great.

There will also be a candlelight vigil tonight, even a virtual one for those of you who aren’t from here or can’t make it to the local vigils.  The following message was posted on WHNT’s Facebook page:

Shine a light for the Tennessee Valley – Join 19 for a candlelight vigil on Friday, 7:30-8:00pm at the following locations: Harvest – Crosswinds United Methodist Church, 8089 Wall Triana, Madison – Kroger, Hwy 72 & Jeff Rd., Phil Campbell – Phil Campbell Community Center, 132 Sherry Bryce Dr., Rainsville – Orchard Lane Bowling Alley, Hwy 75 & 35. Can’t make it? Join our virtual candlelight vigil by posting a picture.

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15
March

Write for Relief – Fandom Charity Fundraiser

Lisa posted a link to this post that was started to help raise funds for the Japan earthquake aid relief.  This post allows folks to donate money ($5) to a charity and receive some attention given to their favorite ship or fandom that gets less attention.

Other ways you can help:

If you can do something, please find a way to help.

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