Monthly Archives: November 2017


The past week has been rough. Seeing political leaders in my state make excuse after excuse for Roy Moore has made me want to scream. Seeing people I know in real life dismiss the claims has made me want to cry. Seeing “conservatives” attack the character of victims has been disgusting. Seeing “liberals” talk about how my state is a festering limb ready to be amputated or how we should be targeted with nuclear strikes because of the reactions by some residents has been infuriating. It’s just been overwhelming.  I believe the accusers.1 That should not be shocking. I try to always believe the accusers, even if it’s someone I (once) adored or respected.2 I’m not going to go into specifics, but the whole idea that it’s a conspiracy against Moore is just pretty irrational. There is no conspiracy by the left or by the “GOP establishment” to malign him. If anyone just wanted to discredit the man, they needn’t make up sexual abuse allegations. His career is enough for most reasonable people to determine he’s not qualified.   I don’t like Roy Moore. I never have. I never will. He’s not someone I think deserves respect. He definitely shouldn’t hold a public office of any sort. I thought that before these allegations because I’m familiar with how abusive he can be when holding office. I don’t believe people who have a history of violating constitutional rights and who want to turn the country into a theocracy are fit for public office. I don’t really understand why there have been so many concern trolls from out of state trying to tell me how wonderful Moore is. They don’t even know the first thing about him. They just view this as an attack on their principles. And I just cringe because I know how horrific his principles are, so I have to hope they really don’t share them because the alternative is, well, horrific.  This is not a left vs right issue. It’s an issue of wrong vs right. Most people understand this. Many of Moore’s biggest critics have been Republicans, as have the accusers, so this idea that it’s Democrats plotting against him just underscores how out of touch his supporters are when it comes to politics and to acceptable human behavior. How can it be controversial or overtly political to oppose child abuse?  I don’t know how anyone could think a person accused of sexually abusing, harassing, and stalking teenage girls belongs in the Senate. That just completely baffles me. And I can’t see any political issue being important enough that it would justify a vote for someone so vile. What issue could make it okay to vote for someone accused of abusing kids?  Listening to the stories of the women and hearing the reactions by people across the aisle has just made it difficult as a child sexual abuse survivor to deal. It’s everywhere I look, and it triggers my obsessive tendencies to seek out more about the story. That just leads to more stress which leads to unhealthy coping techniques. I had gone a week-and-a-half without chocolate when the story broke. Within two days, I had started on a chocolate binge and I’ll have to work myself back off the candy. I know that sounds like a ridiculous thing to blame on this story, but it’s the reality.  And when I see people choosing to dismiss the allegations because they were from decades ago, it makes me think that they would not believe me or any of other survivors that wait years before talking about it—if they ever do. It makes the world feel more frightening and foreign. It makes me feel alone. Every time they tear down an accuser because she’s not perfect, it makes me feel like they won’t believe any survivor. It’s just a lot to deal with and sometimes I just want to scream until my throat is raw because I know these reactions by his defenders are harmful and wrong, and I hate them for making recovering from the trauma of sexual violence that much harder. I just have to figure out how to deal with this story and allo its dredging up. I don’t see it going away any time soon. I have to hope that my state will do the right thing in the end.  Have I just agreed with Mirch McConnell? The end must be nigh. ↩Al Franken. ↩

#NoMoore


A couple of weeks ago, I had to see my rheumatologist. I was past due for my annual visit where he would normally tell me how I was a waste of time for him. He didn’t say that this time. Instead, he was focused on my lab results from last year.  These were results that had “positive”1 results for scleroderma-70, ANA, and SSA-Ro, or as the rheumatologist called them, “the lupus test.” No, I don’t have lupus…yet. He said I may never develop it or several other autoimmune diseases. He did say that I definitely have Sjögren’s syndrome. It’s not the first time he has said that, but it has been a while since he last diagnosed me with that.  Part of me knows not to trust that that’s the diagnosis, since he’s changed his mind before, but it’s still kinda scary. When you’re the grandchild of someone who died from complications of a disease, it’s hard to deal with getting that diagnosis. Mamama had 2 children, 3 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren, but I’m the one who drew the short straw in getting this problem. I want to ask why, and I want to scream and say it isn’t fair, but I don’t want another relative to have it. I don’t want them to suffer, but I feel selfish because I don’t want to have it either.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to know why I’m the one who gets the potentially fatal diseases.  Does being angry & sad make me a bad person? Does it mean I’m too whiny? Do I have a right to be upset? Any result that indicates someone could have a life-threatening or life-changing disease should not be considered positive. ↩

Eyes So Dry



If you followed my Twitter account or my Facebook profile during the 2016 election, you may have learned that a guy I had a crush on in high school is a huge Trump fan. You might know that Richie and I got into skirmish after skirmish over political and social issues. He would randomly post on things and say rather cruel things to me. He would encourage friends of his to do the same. You might know that I eventually blocked him.  In high school, I liked another guy a lot more than I liked Richie. From early in tenth grade until sometime in college, I was convinced that I was in love with John Allen. I even blogged about him all those years ago. John Allen was a pothead at the time and thought it would be hilarious if I ever got drunk. He never saw me drunk.1  After I quit high school, I sent him a sort of love letter in a birthday card for his seventeenth birthday. I confessed my feelings in it. I gave him an ultimatum: we either date or the friendship was over. For almost two years, we’d confessed a lot of our secrets and stressors to each other, but he would also talk about his relationships in front of me. I thought he must not know how I felt before the letter. It wasn’t like I wrote him notes every day and apologized profusely on the days when he’d show up to class & there’d be no note.2 I’m sure I flirted without subtlety.3  Anyway, when I never heard back after the letter, I tried to move on. It took a while and I finally did. When Facebook came into existence, I looked for him. After Matt died, I found him on Facebook and we were finally  “friends” again.4 I realized friends was all we’d ever be. And I was thankful it had never been more.  Now, I’m doubly thankful because I stumbled onto this. I was looking for something totally different, but I knew as soon as I read it that it was him. What a douche.  I told my mom that I realized now that teenage me had bad taste. She said she’d known that for years. That’s when she told me that that’s why she didn’t push me to start dating as a teenager. She knew I’d pick someone who could either hurt me emotionally or in some other way. I get why she didn’t tell me back then. I would have probably more actively pursued a harmful relationship.  I always knew teenage me would a been a bit on the slutty side, but now I think I would have been reckless. I just needed to grow up and get perspective.  I’ve never been drunk. ↩He never wrote one for me. He did write half a page in my 10th grade yearbook & he said he kept every note I wrote him. ↩I may be shy, but when I’m into someone I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. ↩Until he got married and deleted the account. ↩

This Is Why I Didn’t Encourage Teenage You to Date