Sometimes I wish I could tie you up and take control of your whole life.
I doubt most people are ever told something like that. Well, those people aren’t me. My mom just said it.
She wants to control me completely.
She got upset because I received a package today; a book.1 She was less than thrilled over my receiving a package yesterday; an alarm clock.2 She would probably be pissed if she knew that I bought my own sheets and a blanket a few months ago.3
So she told me she’d like to control me completely.
I mumbled that she already does a good job of that.
She got pissed because I was mumbling, so I had to repeat the line to her.
Apparently that doesn’t make sense to her. She lets me talk to whoever I want to online. She doesn’t stop me from going outside by myself for walks.
When I mentioned how she manipulates me & uses guilt trips to get me to do things she wants, she denied it. She doesn’t see herself as manipulative. She says she never uses guilt trips to exert control. She said that I could point out when she uses manipulation & guilt trips to control me so that she can figure out if she really is doing so. I told her that I have done this and she always says she wasn’t trying to manipulate me. And her response to that was that I’ve never told her anything about how she manipulates me.
This is all two days after she tried using both to convince me that I should be in a serious relationship. She was using my insecurities about not being loved or liked enough for someone against me. It’s not the first time. Typically she throws in some subtle digs at my health issues or my lack of money. Or she will suggest that she is afraid that something will happen to one or both of us if I leave.4 Or she threatens to keep Amy if I talk about moving out. It reinforces fears and insecurities, which guarantees that I will always be there to take care of her, because my being her personal servant is all she really wants.
It isn’t what I want and has actually been a source of a lot of stress for me. What happens if I’m allowed to break free one day? I can’t leave her behind completely. She’s my mom. I love her even when she treats me badly. I know that what she says and does is meant to hurt me. And I don’t have many people in my life who actually want to be around me, so cutting her out would leave me almost totally alone in the world.5 I feel like I have to accept her mistreatment of me to guarantee that I won’t be by myself or unloved. For me, manipulative love is better than no love at all.
One book, not a bunch of books. A single book. ↩
My father decided in 2012 that he would take my alarm clock that I’d had since I was six years old when his quit working. I’m replacing that. ↩
I bought those because old ones were falling apart & I couldn’t get anyone to understand that I needed new ones. ↩
She’s threatened suicide a few times. Given her history, I take it seriously every time. ↩
My greatest fear in the world is being completely alone. ↩