my new knee brace

Mystifying Contraindications

My designer drug came today.1 It’s actually called Pennsaid2 and has the same active ingredient as Voltaren, which the orthopedist didn’t tell me when he prescribed it. Actually, he didn’t even tell me the name of the drug. I have been twiddling my fingers3 since the appointment wondering what this miraculous anti-inflammatory that he assured wouldn’t put my can’t-take-NSAIDs body at risk of going batshit when it encountered the drug.

I knew when I saw the name that this was definitely an NSAID.4 And guess what? It has the same big boxed “fyi-this-could-kill-you” warning that all other NSAIDs have. It even says that if you have asthma5 or have issues with NSAIDs6 that the drug might not be safe to take. It goes on to say that despite being a topical drug and having absolutely nothing to do with the digestive tract at all, it can cause ulcers. Well, that’s just grand.

I was so proud of the orthopedist for finding something that I could take that might help my leg.7 Clearly that pride was misplaced. I know that I’m more prone to adverse reactions than most people.8 I know that it says that it’s not likely to happen, but that doesn’t mean that it is safe to give it to a patient who has clearly told you9 she CANNOT take NSAIDs. When I tell a doctor I can’t take something, I mean that I cannot fucking take it. I’m not playing around. There are some drugs that I don’t like the side effects of, but will take anyway. NSAIDs are not one of those. I list them with my allergies because I know that they are not just unpleasant, they are contraindicated given my history of stomach issues1011 and the gastric bypass surgery.

So now I’m on alert. I’ll try the stuff a couple more times to see if it’s actually safe. If I don’t react, I’ll keep using it, but I will always be on watch. I don’t think that I’ll be taking it long, though, since I’m already having some nausea, acid-filled burps, and some of the most intense upper abdominal pain that I have ever felt.12 I’m hoping that maybe the pain was me psyching myself out and that the nausea/HCl burps were a result of a little too much of my turkey tacos. If it happens again tomorrow13 then I will know that it isn’t the food. I don’t want to stop taking it and realize a long way down the line that it wasn’t actually making me sick. I also don’t want to end up with a perforated ulcer like Jenn, so I’ll be cautious about taking it.

Anyway, I guess I could start blogging more at night. Some of the other medicine I’m on for the knee issue and for other issues has been keeping me up to 4 AM lately. If I’m up, I could do something sort of productive. Of course I’d have to be careful because the meds do make me a little more loopy-brained than I usually am.

Oh, btw, I want to apologize to anyone14 who got annoyed by all of my tweets today. Over the weekend, I saw that #DefundPP supporters were planning a tweetfest to promote their hatred of Planned Parenthood and their related ignorance of abortion, birth control, etc. I decided to join in, except I would post facts, quotes, personal stories, etc. Basically, I was trying to help give people on Twitter some legit information instead of some bullshit propaganda. I also wanted to piss off the #DefundPP supporters. Considering the tweets that they sent me, I’d say it worked. Between being called evil, being compared to Nazis, being compared to Jim Jones/Jonestown, having my head called fat and ugly,15 and some other pleasant remarks, I’d say that the mission to piss them off was one that I clearly accomplished.

There were some real assholes who decided that because I support access to abortions that I must hate babies and that I must have had an abortion. I think people who jump to that conclusion are like homophobic individuals16 who think that if you’re pro-LGBTQ rights that you must be in the LGBTQ community. Anyway, they determined that I was a baby-killer and that they would encourage their followers to harass me for killing this child that I don’t ever remember conceiving let alone aborting. That was the only tweet that I reported to Twitter because people in that movement can go a bit above-and-beyond on that scary, dangerous behavior.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. I’m sorry for flooding some of your Twitter feeds with my #DefundPP tweets. It was for a good cause, but if it was annoying to you, and I don’t think that you’re a horrible human being, then I am sorry for my behavior.

If I think you suck: Who the fuck cares what you think about my tweets? I certainly don’t.

I guess that’s all. ‘Night, y’all.17

  1. My dad got me started on calling it a designer drug

  2. I see what you did there, pharmacology people. 

  3. Or, you know, something else that’s fidgety. 

  4. If it hadn’t been, then I would give the company major props for their attempt at trolling. 

  5. Check. 

  6. Double check. 

  7. It doesn’t work well either. 

  8. Yay genetics! 

  9. As I typed this I thought of Willy Wonka–of the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory film version–in his office at the end of the movie saying, “It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal!” 

  10. My father also cannot take NSAIDs without having his acid issues flare up. He’s where I get the 80 mg Protonix + maxed out Gaviscon = still bubbling with hydrochloric acid stomach from. He also passed along his caffeine allergy. 

  11. Though it’s worth noting that Nana, mom’s mom, goes into anaphylaxis with anything, including skin creams, containing aspirin. 

  12. Considering that I’ve had GERD for around 20 years, gastric bypass surgery, and gallbladder failure that led to gallbladder surgery, I have plenty of experience with upper abdominal pain. Hell, it even ranks up there with the cramps from hell that no other woman in my family has. 

  13. technically, later today 

  14. that I don’t dislike 

  15. and some weird comment about homemade yogurt 

  16. They tend to be homophobic as well as “pro-life” so it fits from that perspective, too. 

  17. Heh. That rhymes. 

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Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

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