Little Talks


A while ago, I told a guy I had been talking to on the phone and texting/IMing (we never met in person/we met on OKC) with that I was no longer interested. In our early conversations, he told me all of the compliments I’d never heard and all of the ones I’d always wanted to hear. He made me feel like I could always depend on him to make me happy. Like he was the only way for me to feel that happiness. I think that was deliberate. He told me early on (a week after we started talking) he loved me and wanted to marry me, despite barely knowing anything about me.

He’d gotten more disturbing with each discussion and each one made me more scared about if I would be safe around him. I had to tell him I felt exactly like he did (ie I loved him) or that I cared more for him than he did for me or he’d suggest I didn’t care. I also had to describe sex acts that I wasn’t interested in so he could get off. If I said I wasn’t interested in something he would tell me that I would be when we met and that we would do it then.

Our last phone call, he described wanting to choke me during sex. It didn’t sound like kink related choking. It sounded a bit more threatening. I knew I needed to walk away, so I tried to.

A couple of weeks after I first said I was no longer interested in talking to him, he IMed me. I had to explain (again) why I wanted to end our conversations. After I did, he told me that he still felt horny. I told him that knowledge made me uncomfortable. He asked if I would do him a favor and I said yes, even though I wanted to walk away. He wanted me to sext with him one last time. I didn’t want to, but I felt like I owed him something. And I worried that if I didn’t that he would come find me. (I still think that sometimes.) So I briefly did/said what he wanted.

And I cried while I did it.

I finished describing whatever fantasy he wanted me to describe and I wanted to scream and vomit. Ever since my mood has been worse, I want to avoid people more, and I just feel like some part of me broke. I’ve only told my two best friends. I can’t tell my family or the guy I’ve been casually seeing (aka having sex with). They would probably be supportive, but the idea of telling them scares me.

I feel like it’s my fault and that I’m being ridiculous because what happened wasn’t something that physically violated me. I know violating emotional boundaries is still a big deal. I just can’t convince my brain because I feel like what I went through shouldn’t be doing this to me. But it is. And I don’t know what I should do. He didn’t break the law. I’ve blocked him online. I wouldn’t answer any calls and told my parents not to answer his calls if he made them. But there’s not much more I could do.

via Tumblr


About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.