My mom once told me that I was cute and I was pretty, but I wasn’t truly beautiful or attractive. This was one of the things that stuck with me over the years in a negative way. I’ve been able to move past it lately. I feel pretty, cute, beautiful, and attractive. I’ve even felt downright sexy with certain people who shall remain nameless. But, basically, my self-esteem in that area is up.
The other night1 she told me that I wouldn’t be a good mom someday. Her reasoning was that when I get upset with Amy for things like peeing on the couch that I “ignore” Amy. I recognize myself getting upset and I tell my parents to take care of her/keep an eye on her for a little while, while I calm down. I don’t yell at her. I just take a break. I pointed this out and my mom said, “With a kid, you can’t do that.” When she said this, I pointed out that as a child, she would put me in a playpen, leave the room entirely AND make sure the door was shut when she would get upset.2 I almost pointed out to my father, who was agreeing with her, that he had a bit of temper and tends to lose control of it, that maybe my handing off for a little while and cooling down isn’t the worst reaction to have.
And I realized that she was sort of moving on to my next insecurity.3 If the appearance thing doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, then she has to have something to give me a hard time about. I don’t even know if she realizes that she is doing it or why she does it, but I don’t particularly appreciate it.4 I can’t exactly bring it up with her because that would lead to an argument, which would lead to a “I’m so aggrieved” speech by her and a rehashing of everything that has ever gone wrong in this family. Quite frankly, I just don’t want to deal with that, so I just try to smile and not pay attention to this sort of thing.
I know I still have issues that I need to work on. I admit that. I also know that it’s possible that I wouldn’t be a good mom, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to decide to bring me down like this.
Her doctor told her to do this because, as a baby/toddler, I tended to apologize anytime my mom would be upset. ↩
Not that she doesn’t still do the appearance one from time-to-time. I showed her the picture of me with red lip gloss on the other day that I was feeling confident about. She told me that I looked completely washed out and that I should never wear that color again because it looked so horrible. ↩
I’m pretty sure the “you won’t be a good mom” thing was partly a result of Nana showering me with positive attention over my weight loss and treating me like I wasn’t the biggest person in the family anymore. It moved her back some. I’m pretty sure about this because the comments came just a few hours after the visit with Nana. ↩