Oh, The Dudes You’ll Talk To

On Thursday night, I received a message on OkCupid from a guy that I’ll call S. He was interested in pursuing a friends with benefits relationship, which I told him (on there) that I would need to be friends with him first. He said okay and we started talking on Kik. There were dick pics that were sent to me and I became a bit annoyed by them and by him.

This is the conversation, without pictures, without his name, with the typos/grammatical/spelling errors intact, and with generalized locations, that we had.1 The only real difference is that I’ve included snarky commentary and admitted to mistakes I made in the conversation. Because of the nature of the discussion, if you don’t feel like you can handle certain overly sexual content, then don’t go further.

S: Hi
Me: Hi.
S: My name is S
Me: Hey, S. I’m Janet.
S: Very nice to meet you!!! πŸ™‚
Me: Nice to meet you, too.
S: So tell me a little about u.
S: Do u have a pic
[S sent a picture of his face with this remark.]
Me: [with a picture of my face] I write. I’m on disability for some health stuff.
S: I’m sorry I hope ur ok
S: Do u want to share
S: Any more pics?
[S sent another picture of his face with this comment. I responded with a picture of me from when I was out on a walk.]
S: Your very pretty.
Me: Thank you. You’re attractive, too.
S: You think so?
Me: Yeah. You’ve got a great smile.
S: Thsnk u so much!!
[S sent another picture of his face.]
S: You have any more pics
Me: You’re very welcome.
[Another picture of my face.]
S: Nice. Do u live in Huntsville
Me: Yeah. You?
S: Yep I live off of —–. You?
Me: Off —–.
S: —–. Is that south parkway
S: Down by —–
Me: Yeah.
S: I do cable so that is my area
Me: Cool
S: Yep it’s a fun job
S: So tell me about u
Me: It’s always good to have a job you enjoy.
Me: There’s not much to know.
S: We’ll me. I’m looking for a fwb for long term. I’m only looking for only 1 woman to do this
Me: Okay. How long term?
S: As long as you want to see me. Totally up to you πŸ™‚ Would I be interested
S: Would u be interested?
S: I’m picking u πŸ™‚
Me: I might be. I may need to think about it.
S: Have u ever had a fwb
Me: No. I did have NSA sex with a guy once, but it was just the once.
S: Ahh see this would be ongoing. Plus we would be friends. Do u want to see a cock pic to see what ur getting?
S: About 5 times a week2 if u want
S: I have a high sex drive
[Unsolicited dick pic.]
Me: It sounds like you do. I’ve only had the one sexual experience so that’s a lot of sex. Also I have chronic pain and fatigue issues, so I don’t know if I could handle that much sex.
S: We’ll some days we can just do oral on each other because of ur health
S: Do u like the pic?
Me: Yeah. It’s a nice pic.3
S: Is it too big4 or a good size for u
Me: It’s a good size.5
S: So what sexual things us like and don’t like
[Another dick pic.]
Me: I like oral, intercourse, anal. I like being fingered.6
S: I love anal too. Do u like cum? Swallow and or facials.
Me: I swallow. I might be okay with facials. I’m not really sure.7
S: Janet I pick u!!! I have been looking for a woman that does all of that!!!
S: So what do u think Janet.
S: Do u like condoms or no
Me: I’m still not sure how I feel. I prefer condoms.8
S: I’m ddf as we’ll and I got tested two months ago. I’m very clean. What can I do to help u decide??
S: I promise every time we are together you will have an orgasm when I go down on u
S: I’ll eat ur pussy every time. U will cum before I will
Me: I’m glad you’re clean, but I’m not on birth control, thus the condom preference. Just give me a couple of days. Is that okay? It’s a major decision.
S: I can’t have kids.9 πŸ™‚ Besides every time I cum I would like for u to swallow ok
S: It is a major decision. I really want u as my fwb Janet
S: πŸ™‚
S: Do u like kissing and making out
S: Any questions u have for me
Me: I’ve never actually made out with anyone.10
Me: I don’t think I have any right now.11
S: Really never. I love to kiss. It’s long and passionate. It’s more then just a fuck. It’s love making. U ok with that
Me: Yeah. Never. My first kiss came all of two minutes before a guy went down on me.
S: That’s awful. I’ll make sure we will make out
S: I love pussy juice!!!!12 πŸ˜€ I meant what I said. Every time we get together I’ll go down and I’ll eat u until u cum. Then I’ll keep going until u come again and agony13
S: And again
S: Deal???
Me: If I say yes14
S: Yes if u say yes. I hope u do. And best part no condoms too πŸ˜€
S: Any more pics
Me: Not right now.
S: So no condoms then?15
S: So what music u like
Me: I like most music.
S: Me too but not rap.
Me: I started getting into rap in college.
S: What college
Me: At that point, I was at A&M
S: I went to Alabama. Am tough school
S: What is ur major
Me: At that point, it was Social Work.
S: Ahhhh I majored in computers. Are u still in school
Me: No I had to stop going.
S: How come? Your health.
Me: Yeah.
S: So what health problems do u have
Me: I’ve got something called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I’ve also got issues with depression and anxiety (ptsd, OCD, agoraphobia).
S: Whst is eds
Me: It’s a defect in collagen. It makes my joints unstable and causes other health issues.
S: I’m so sorry. I’ll take it easy on you when we have sex ok
S: What other issues
S: What sexual position can we do that won’t hurt u
Me: Easier bruising. My skin is easier to damage and takes longer to heal. It affects different internal organs in different ways.
Me: I don’t really know which ones will work best. I think it’d be a trial and error thing.
S: Doggie or you on top
S: Would be less painful
Me: I really don’t know. Doggie didn’t hurt before when I did it.
S: How long has it been since u had sex
Me: A month.
S: Are u sexually active?
Me: What do you mean?16
S: Do u have sex a lot?
Me: Just the one day.
S: It has been 3 weeks for me
S: How long has it been before thst
Me: Never before that.
S: You had sex 1 time??
S: Wow so ur real tight then171819
Me: We had sex twice that day.20
S: So u have only had sex twice in ur life
Me: Yes
S: Please be my fwb please21
S: It will be so much fun
S: So what do u think
Me: I still need time to actually think about it.
Me: I need to go. Ttyl?
S: Ok can u tell me tomorrow
Me: Maybe.
S: Reall want get this started. It’s been 3 weeks since I had sex22
S: Good night Janet
Me: Good night S.
S: πŸ™‚ Please give me a great answer. I’ll make it worth ur wild
S: I promise πŸ™‚ Think on it ok
[A few minutes later.]
S: Are u able to host?
Me: No, I can’t host.
S: Hmmmm what do u suggest
S: If ur up for it. I can get us a room tomorrow around 730pn
Me: I don’t know.
S: Could be a lot of fun. We can even showwer together
S: 730-1030pn of great sex
S: Yes no?? I need to plan for tomorrow please
Me: No.
S: Ohhh [Broken heart emoji]23
Me: I’m sorry.
S: It’s fine I understand
S: No need to apologize. Ur just not interested or into me. Take care Janet. [Crying emoji]24
Me: I was interested, but it just felt like you were pushing. I’m a naturally anxious person, but it just was too overwhelming.
S: I was not pushing.25
S: I’ll let you think about it ok26
Me: Okay
S: We can have fun or not. Up to u ok27
Me: Okay.
S: Would u rather have a man pleasure u or ur fingers
Me: I would rather have a man do it.28
S: Ok we’ll I’m a man
S: Lol πŸ™‚
S: So why can’t u host Janet?
Me: I live with my parents. Why can’t you host?
S: Same29
S: I’ll get us a room30
Me: If I get to the point where I agree, then that might be a good idea.31
S: Ok sounds good. Don’t wait to long ok. I’m looking for only 1. I want it to be u but if someone else comes along and wants a fwb. Then u might lose out ok32
S: We’ll good night Janet

So that was it. That was the conversation. I did make some mistakes during it, but I was very uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to say or do. I can handle flirty conversations, but this didn’t feel flirty. This felt like he was trying to sell me on having sex with him and didn’t care that his presentation was actually making me want to run and hide under a couch somewhere.

  1. I think that I’ve included everything, but I am piecing the conversation together from screen captures I took of it and I may have missed a line or two. 

  2. Chafing could be an issue here. 

  3. I made a mistake saying this. But I was a little uncomfortable with saying that he’d caught me off guard by sending it before I had said I wanted the picture. I also don’t exactly think that the pictures are necessary. Dicks generally look like dicks. I didn’t want to say it was ugly or anything because I know guys can be sensitive about how their junk looks. 

  4. It was not big. 

  5. Size isn’t everything, dude. 

  6. You know, all the things I’m expected to like according to American culture, but that I’m supposed to be ashamed of liking. 

  7. I probably wouldn’t be. 

  8. I am so sick of guys trying to get out of wearing condoms. 

  9. Uh-huh. 

  10. This is true. 

  11. I wanted to know why he would think that I would want to have unprotected sex with someone who can’t spell the word well properly. 

  12. Mott’s should totally corner that market. Or Welch’s. Maybe even Minute Maid. There is money to be made in selling the pussy juice. They could have Nelsan Ellis cast to play Lafayette in the commercials. And can you imagine the FCC’s reaction to the pussy juice commercials? 

  13. Freudian slip? or typo. 

  14. I’m not going to say yes. 

  15. When did I say no condoms? 

  16. I was confused. I’ve been asked if I was sexually active for the last (almost) 20 years by medical professionals and they all were asking if I was a virgin. 

  17. It doesn’t work like that. 



  20. I was counting intercourse as “sex” in this statement. 

  21. My vagina has gotten it’s unicorn status back apparently. It’s so nice to be seen as nothing but a tight cunt. 

  22. It’s been five weeks for me and you don’t see me getting pushy about it. 

  23. And now I feel guilty. 

  24. And the guilt is turning into disgust. 

  25. Yes, you fucking were. 

  26. That’s what I asked for to begin with, but then you started pushing. 

  27. Uh-huh. 

  28. But not necessarily you. 

  29. I know why I live with my parents. I’m on a fixed income. You have a job. One that could at least pay for rent. Why do you live with yours? 

  30. Maybe you should save up for an apartment. 

  31. I’m rejecting you in the nicest way possible. 

  32. Good luck with that. 

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.