Daily Archives: June 16, 2014

If I’m a bad writer, how am I supposed to communicate? I’m not good at talking. Writing has always been the one way I could express myself. If I can’t do that, then what? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life not communicating with anyone? Is that why I’m alone? Is that why I feel like no one cares? Because I can’t communicate properly. Am I really that defective as a person? Why should I even try to make things better? 

Am I really a bad writer? Because when a dozen people say it, it makes me think they must be right. Is that why no one comments on stuff? I thought it was because I wasn’t social, but if it’s because I can’t write, I need to know. If I’m going to be laughed at for my writing or told how awful I am at, then maybe I shouldn’t write. Maybe I shouldn’t do anything.

Mom fell really early this morning and broke both bones in her left forearm. This led to the required middle-of-the-night ER visit, which meant I got to stay at home alone1 in the dark, which is one of my least favorite things to do. Amy was whining and howling and crying, so I didn’t get to sleep until about 20 minutes before they got home–four hours later. Mom’s got an appointment to go see her orthopedist tomorrow to find out if she will need surgery. I was going to post yesterday about how I was going to go see the doctor today to get the referral for pool therapy. That didn’t happen, though, because my appointment was at 9 AM and no one really felt up to going to it.2 And I may not be able to go anyway because my mom was going to help me make a swimsuit and, with her arm out of commission, that won’t be happening, so…no therapy for me. And there’s my dad, who had a psychiatrist visit today and will now be on an increased dose of one of his medicines, which might help control his anger. Of course, his anger is worse than usual today because he didn’t get much sleep last night and so he’s taking that out on anyone who listens. And I’ll always listen when I shouldn’t. Then, of course, I made the mistake last night that led to the great comment shaming incident that’s led to quite a few3 nasty emails and comments thrown my way. And, if I point out how lousy that’s making me feel, then I’m sure that will make things even worse because I’m sure that will lead to drama queen remarks and all sorts of shit. And, really, I’m just sick of everyone and everything right now, so I really want to be left alone. Actually, I really want to do something I’ll regret later, but I’m trying not to because I know that that would be a bad decision. So, instead of doing something like that, I’m sitting here, crying and feeling shitty. I did have Amy, so I wasn’t completely alone. ↩Don’t worry, they got called. I don’t know if the appointment was rescheduled. Probably not, though. ↩31, as of this post. ↩

Fuck You, Monday

There is a difference between pointing out to someone that they have a weight issue and “calling” them fat. When it is used as an insult, it’s meant to degrade and objectify the person. It’s meant to tell them that they are worthless because that’s how media portrays overweight/obese people. I’m not completely sure how it works within the context of a partnered relationship, but calling someone fat is definitely a form of verbal and psychological abuse. Interestingly, there is a correlation of various types of abuse in childhood and a person’s likelihood of one day being an overweight or obese adult. So, it may be considered aggressive to call an adult fat because it could potentially trigger that person to think about issues that they had as a child and abuse that they went through at that time. I base that on my personal experiences of being called fat as an adult triggering memories of childhood abuse that was related to my weight and that actually caused the weight. Last night, I posted that comment as a response to someone saying, “How is telling someone they are fat abusive? Some people are fat. That’s how they’re bodies are. Is it that calling them fat is abusive or is it making their perceived fatness into an insult that is abusive? Because telling me I’m fat is like telling me I’m crude. Neither may be meant as a compliment, but both are correct.” I thought I had done a decent job with my response. I didn’t see how anyone could find it offensive, but apparently I was wrong and now my inbox is paying for my mistake. First, from the person I initially responded to: “Janet, I do not have a “weight issue”. Fuck that shit. You may have an issue with my weight, but I’m just fat. Do not try to tell me that the way I am is an insult or that likening other people to me is abuse. OK? That’d be great.” And, then, the ones where people obsessed on the first line and disregarded everything else. But why would you point that out to anyone? It’s not like they don’t know! It’s not like it’s any of your fucking business! So you want to go around, pointing out the obvious to someone, that they have failed to live up to modern standards of the appropriate size, that people are judging them for that every day, and you think that’s not rude? On what fucking planet? The only difference I can see is that one method is deemed* “politer” than the other. But telling someone either way is fucking rude. *by idiots who think that the exact content of the message is important.” “There’s also (and I’m prolly repeating at least one person, but wottheheck) the matter that being fat is not automatically an issue. Fat doesn’t equal unhealthy, but even if it did, it’s still rude and stupid to bring the matter up with someone, especially a stranger. “No, they’re pretty much the same thing, except that the former is more passive-aggressive. I mean, why would you tell someone that? They know what they weigh. If you’re worried abou their health, well, diets don’t work in the long term. And being fat is much much less of a health issue than most people think. It’s a bit like walking up to someone with a mole on their cheek and saying, “hey you’ve git a mole on your cheek!” It serves no purpose except to make that person feel more self-conscious. And studies have shown that making people self-conscious about their weight is more likely to lead to weight gain than weight loss.” “I can’t imagine a situation in which it would be helpful or appropriate for anyone (other than a person’s medical advisers) to make uninvited comments on a person’s weight.” “Re: People pointing out how much others weigh: I fucking hate that. I avoid going out to meet relatives and certain acquaintances if I even have the slightest suspicion that I’ve put on weight since the last time we met. I’m unfortunate enough to know way too many people who just love pointing out that I’ve gained some weight. Most of all I hate meeting SO’s mother, who takes these really annoying shots at tapping at my belly and smiling mockingly. Who does that? Do people like this really think I haven’t noticed I’ve gained weight? Do they seriously think being mocked for it is going to inspire me to lose weight? If running 10-16 km a day and eating around 1,000 calories less than what I need in a day isn’t making me lose fat, then I don’t know what to tell you. Not that they’d believe all this, of course, since being overweight is just a sign of being lazy and loving to eat and shitfuckshitfuckargh (And no, I’m not saying men are generally shamed for being fat. I guess I just have fucking annoying people around me and a tendency to take things far too personally.)” “So, um, why do we need to point out to people that they have “a weight issue”? People presumably know roughly what their own weight and/or size is, given that they have to, you know, buy clothes for themselves and stuff. Are you under the impression that you are giving them new and potentially revelatory information when you oh so kindly inform them that they are not slim? I’m just not seeing how being passive-aggressive about it makes it any nicer, or why people are doing it in the first place.” ““Oh, hey! Did you know that you’re in a wheel chair? Is it because you can’t walk, or are you just THAT LAZY?” STFU -_-;” ““You are short! Like, really short!” “I had noticed, yeah.” “Well, have you considered getting taller? I hear they can do marvelous things now by breaking the bones in your legs and putting bits of metal in.”” So, I tried to […]

I’ll Take Missing the Point for $200, Alex