From My Darkness

(via Instagram) The full rant he made is here.

That’s the summary from this guy’s rant on an open relationship he had his girlfriend agree to so he could have sex with other girls. His gf ended up being the one who was successful with the openness. He was pissed because he didn’t think she was hot enough. Anyway, when I first started reading this, the horrible way he talked about this girl and how she looked triggered a lot of the negative self-talk and memories of abusive remarks.

As I read what happened as a result of his plan, I began to wish that I had read something like this when I was younger. Reading about how his plan backfired on him was something I needed to read & understand a long time ago. You can tell a person a million times that jerks end up “getting theirs” for all their horrible behavior, but until you read it or see it happen, it really doesn’t start kicking in.

On an intellectual level, I understand that the earliest abuse lead to the weight issue and the distrust of people, especially men/authority figures. I understand that I kept my weight high to protect myself at first, and I understand that once the emotional abuse and bullying began that I began to believe that I was already doomed to be alone and miserable. I understand that, as an eight year old, that was a horrible thing to conclude. And I understand how it impacted future actions and choices in my life. I understand how it continues to impact my life. And I always could, on some level, understand that if I knew that anyone else in the world was feeling this way, that I would do whatever I could to stop them from feeling the pain. I would see the continuing of that pain and of that degradation of self as unreasonable and as something that the person needed to stop doing.

On an emotional level, I couldn’t get it. Now I think I’m starting to, though. Now that I see things like this online and like the guys who continue to call me stupid because of my weight, I get it. I get that their shitty attitude toward someone based on their weight or their appearance is on them. If they dehumanize someone, it’s because something is wrong with them, not with the person that they’re abusing. I am really just now starting to understand that if a person thinks that I’m worthless because I happen to be a certain weight that that means that there is something wrong with them, not me. I can’t continue to use their dehumanization to justify my personal self-hatred. I need to get rid of that self-hatred because it is truly ridiculous and it is only making my life more difficult.

It’s not going to be easy to change all of this thinking, but this guy’s ignorant, asshole behavior is inspiring me more than anything I’ve seen or heard in a long time. It’s bad that it took seeing an asshole behaving like an asshole to connect that intellectual level with the emotional level. It should have been enough for me to apply that logic for other people. It should have been enough for me to have friends tell me that those idiots were, just that, idiots or that I was enough. It should have been enough for me to understand that when that guy told me earlier this year that I was hot that I might actually be attractive. And those things did help sometimes. They helped get me through some really difficult times. But somehow this act of douchiness helped a bit more. I don’t know if that makes sense or if it even needs to make sense. I just know that it’s true.

Not only did this post show me that guys like him are assholes, it showed me that hot guys can actually like girls who don’t fit the mold. I know that’s totally superficial, but I’ve believed for around two decades now that there was something fundamentally unlovable about me because of my size and that there was something wrong with me as a person because I happened to weigh too much. To start realizing that that’s not true and that my asshole of a grandfather was so fucking wrong about that is just amazing. It helps a lot. To know that what he did and what happened as a result, the things that have basically defined my life for so long, were so untrue and were things I shouldn’t believe about myself anymore…it’s just…there really is no way to explain how good it is to see that he was wrong.

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.