For the past few months, I have had weekly Seeking Safety therapy sessions. Or, at least, I am supposed to. They are actually about once every month or once every three weeks. It’s uncommon that we end up having two in a row. Three in a row? Unless I’ve forgotten some sessions, that hasn’t happened yet.
I understand why it happens. Sometimes I’m actually even grateful that it happens because it is such an emotionally draining experience. Still, it’s frustrating that it happens so much. I know that even if I don’t want to go to therapy regularly that I need to go to it. And this is the one group that I typically feel I can express myself more openly in.
Yesterday, it was cancelled. The week before? Yep. That one was cancelled, too.
I know that the therapist sometimes will be sick or have something come up. I also know that we can only come when we have enough people. I know that this is difficult when there are so few people in the group to begin with. And I know that part of what makes me comfortable about the group is knowing that it will never be a big one.
I’m afraid that the infrequence will start making me less comfortable.
First of all, I don’t leave my house most days. I don’t even go out the front door. I need to do that. This group is one of the few times that I will allow myself to do that. With it not happening, I find that I’m becoming more and more accepting of isolation. This group is supposed to help me get out of the isolating patterns, not reinforce them.
My second issue is that I wonder if the infrequence will somehow train my brain to not trust these people as much. I don’t see them as often as I should be seeing them, so should I really trust them with the kind of details that come out in this type of group? Can I trust them? Can I feel comfortable near them?
The big thing is that it makes me wonder if I can actually rely on the therapist. I’ve had therapists bail on me before. The lack of meetings makes me feel like she’s sort of bailing on the group. I know that some things are beyond her control, but I can’t help but feel that this is a type of bailing/abandonment. I doubt that the other people feel that way because I’m the only one with this particular bent.
I just really hope that we stop having these weeks off soon.