Diving Too Deep For Coins


On the nineteenth, I went to my second Seeking Safety group session. During each session, we have to set a commitment that we have to achieve during the time between our sessions. It has to be something we’re capable of doing, so that we don’t fail, but it also has to be something that we might not otherwise do. Apparently, it isn’t uncommon within the group to have a tendency to not take care of oneself or do positive things for your life. In fact, it is actually a part of the whole expected psychopathology. Anyway, our last session specifically dealt with self-care and we had to do a checklist to see just how much we do/don’t take care of ourselves. At the very top of the list, there was a question about if we regularly went to see our OB/GYN and I knew that I haven’t since, I think, 2010. (Back when I had the hysteroscopy and D&C.) I made that my goal.

We have to share our goals with everyone in group before we leave. I guess that that makes us more accountable or something. Well, I mentioned what mine was, how long it had been, and then had to give the whole spiel on why I don’t go–the pain, the anxiety, the not-wanting-to-have-to-be-put-under-anesthesia-to-have-a-pap-smear. One of the other members suggested that I try a female gynecologist, since mine is a male. I know what she was getting at, but I have the issues regardless of the gender of the doctor. The therapist actually suggested I pick something else because she thought what I was setting my goal for might be too much for me anxiety-wise.

Normally, I would have had to have completed the goal by the next week. Since that happened to be the day after Christmas and since this coming Thursday is the second day of the year, I don’t have to have it done until the ninth. And guess what? I don’t have it done yet. Not really shocking.

I thought I could do it, but every time that I think of making the call, I start to feel a bit of the anxiety come on, so I think, “I’ll do it later.” Later never happens.

I need to do it. I need to and I know that I need to, so now I just need to actually go through with it. Except that now that I’m thinking of doing it, here comes the anxiety again. I wish I could just push the anxiety away somehow.

Maybe I should have just picked another goal, but this is something that I need to do. I really do need to. I can make excuses for why I don’t need do or, more importantly, don’t want to do it, but that doesn’t change that I actually should try to go through with making this appointment because this isn’t an appointment that I need to continue shirking.


About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.