All That Magical Thinking

Yesterday, the therapist that runs the weekly group called and said it was cancelled this week, and would probably be cancelled for a few weeks. So, instead of going to that group today, I went to the anxiety group, which was sans narcissist girl for the first time in a few months. It was like a Mental Health Center miracle. Anyway, when we got home, the P!nk/Nate Ruess song “Just Give Me A Reason” was playing. My dad turned off the car toward the end of the song, and I couldn’t get out of the car until I finished the song in my head–it’s one of my “quirks”.

When I got out of the car, I told my dad that sometimes having OCD1 could seriously mess with your ability to have a regular/normal life. Then, I somehow started thinking of the family drama situation with my aunt and how she said that I had been out to ruin the family for years. (Don’t ask me why my brain jumps from one thing to another.) Then, I thought of how I used to say a prayer about my grandfathers every night to get better, but forgot to say it the night before each of them died,. Their deaths after the missed prayers reinforced that routine and some of the magical thinking that the OCD causes. I then realized how my aunt had probably read this blog and my previous Open Diary entries where I might have mentioned that, and she may have some magical thinking issues of her own, so maybe she started blaming me for killing her father.2

It would sort of make her continued anger towards me a little more understandable. Of course, she would never say that she has any sort of problem like that because she views herself as the least screwed up member of the family. And she may not have some sort of irrational anger toward me over an OCD-related-routine that I messed up on when I was 11 years old, but if she did, I would understand that more than having a non-psychological issue that is making her hold on to the anger at what I did 11 years ago. Mental illness is something I can understand and explain. Just hating someone for no good reason isn’t.

  1. Yes, I’ve actually been diagnosed with that. No, I didn’t diagnose myself with it. 

  2. Yes, I understand now that I did not actually kill him. 

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.