Stuff I Learned From ESPN and College Football Coverage


  • In baseball, they’re apparently not as tech savvy as other sports because the teams with the fewest GB go on to the playoffs. I guess that the geekier you are, the less they want you on the team.
  • Schools associated with hippie culture or that are associated with a quality education seem to have a harder time winning football games than ones thought of as party schools. Maybe partying helps them win.
  • The best way to win at golf is not to play.
  • There are more notable soccer teams located in Europe than in the US.
  • American soccer teams have better names than European ones, though.
  • Sexual favors and drug use apparently haven’t hurt the Oklahoma State football team. Not only did they win their game last night, they are undefeated so far. Maybe every team should try offering an incentive package that includes sexual favors and plenty of drugs.
  • Is it me or do boxers have strange names?
  • Every school with orange as a team color seems to have a different definition of what the color orange should look like.
  • Targeting does not involve shopping.
  • Football teams can’t tell time because 30 minutes should not last 90 minutes. At least soccer is honest about game length.
  • Verne Lundquist said that he is mesmerized by Johnny Manziel. I wonder if he scribbles his name all over his notebooks with hearts and stuff.
  • Notre Dame makes their helmets from Willy Wonka’s discarded golden eggs. At least they didn’t use chucks of Veruca to decorate them.
  • Giants vs. Dodgers sounds like a philosophical debate, not a baseball game.
  • Buick still makes cars.
  • Firestone’s commercial looks like an endorsement for tramp stamps.
  • Purdue’s field has a did lower case “d” on it when the field is shown from above.
  • University Studies is a legitimate major if you’re on an athletic scholarship.
  • Getting caught cheating in NASCAR will always back fire on a person’s sorry ass.
  • Abbreviated team names sound like product names: MissTex sounds like it could be tampons or nose spray. SeaStl sounds like some kind of prostate medicine.
  • An Ohio State player apparently decided to reenact the “King of the World” scene from Titanic.
  • Tiger Woods would have been a totally awesome porn star name.
  • Auto Zone doesn’t really try to market toward women.
  • The Steelers have a player that looks like a legitimate viking.
  • Vertical stripes really are slimming.
  • Some college or university is named Stony Brook. No word on if there is an active Babysitters Club there or not.
  • For a game watched by a lot of homophobic people, there are a lot of times when one guy is on top of another.
  • Huddle is a code word for “group hug”.
  • My dad might forget my name from time-to-time, but he knows the names of every single Auburn player on the field.
  • Southerners would be probably be more comfortable with the targeting penalties if they were called Walmarting penalties.
  • The only team with uglier uniforms than Tennessee is Oregon. Of course, that’s really debatable since Tennessee’s Macaroni and Cheese/Orange Creamsicle uniforms are really ugly.
  • Hipsters know more than non-hipsters in commercials. This must be the sign of a hipster conspiracy to take over marketing.
  • There is something magical about female boob fat because guys can paint their whole naked chests for their teams, but women have to paint around or over their bras and tank tops.
  • Coaches like to sniff at paper and their hands. Apparently, cleanliness after bathroom breaks is an issue.
  • Tattoo quality is an issue for some folks.
  • There are statistics about how many times gas is passed during a game. There are other statistics about how many times a person on team  has a head rush and how many times they jump around in potato sacks.
  • Pom-poms will never look cool.
  • Some guys should just be spokesmen for Butterfinger instead of trying to have a football career.
  • Some dude in the College Game Day commercial is dumb enough to point a drill at his hand. I really won’t be shocked if he ends up with a hole in that hand and claims to have the Stigmata.
  • If you don’t want to say “For Fuck’s Sake” during a game, you just aren’t paying attention.
  • You might not want to mention “compensating” while commenting on a sport where you also have to mention “being tight”, “going down” and “inches”.
  • There is apparently something called a “Magic Number”. ESPN isn’t run by Muggles. Praise JK!
  • The tiny white dude is the only one who gets to put his foot on the football.
  • SportsCenter is apparently a big deal.

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.