Daily Archives: September 14, 2013


In baseball, they’re apparently not as tech savvy as other sports because the teams with the fewest GB go on to the playoffs. I guess that the geekier you are, the less they want you on the team. Schools associated with hippie culture or that are associated with a quality education seem to have a harder time winning football games than ones thought of as party schools. Maybe partying helps them win. The best way to win at golf is not to play. There are more notable soccer teams located in Europe than in the US. American soccer teams have better names than European ones, though. Sexual favors and drug use apparently haven’t hurt the Oklahoma State football team. Not only did they win their game last night, they are undefeated so far. Maybe every team should try offering an incentive package that includes sexual favors and plenty of drugs. Is it me or do boxers have strange names? Every school with orange as a team color seems to have a different definition of what the color orange should look like. Targeting does not involve shopping. Football teams can’t tell time because 30 minutes should not last 90 minutes. At least soccer is honest about game length. Verne Lundquist said that he is mesmerized by Johnny Manziel. I wonder if he scribbles his name all over his notebooks with hearts and stuff. Notre Dame makes their helmets from Willy Wonka’s discarded golden eggs. At least they didn’t use chucks of Veruca to decorate them. Giants vs. Dodgers sounds like a philosophical debate, not a baseball game. Buick still makes cars. Firestone’s commercial looks like an endorsement for tramp stamps. Purdue’s field has a did lower case “d” on it when the field is shown from above. University Studies is a legitimate major if you’re on an athletic scholarship. Getting caught cheating in NASCAR will always back fire on a person’s sorry ass. Abbreviated team names sound like product names: MissTex sounds like it could be tampons or nose spray. SeaStl sounds like some kind of prostate medicine. An Ohio State player apparently decided to reenact the “King of the World” scene from Titanic. Tiger Woods would have been a totally awesome porn star name. Auto Zone doesn’t really try to market toward women. The Steelers have a player that looks like a legitimate viking. Vertical stripes really are slimming. Some college or university is named Stony Brook. No word on if there is an active Babysitters Club there or not. For a game watched by a lot of homophobic people, there are a lot of times when one guy is on top of another. Huddle is a code word for “group hug”. My dad might forget my name from time-to-time, but he knows the names of every single Auburn player on the field. Southerners would be probably be more comfortable with the targeting penalties if they were called Walmarting penalties. The only team with uglier uniforms than Tennessee is Oregon. Of course, that’s really debatable since Tennessee’s Macaroni and Cheese/Orange Creamsicle uniforms are really ugly. Hipsters know more than non-hipsters in commercials. This must be the sign of a hipster conspiracy to take over marketing. There is something magical about female boob fat because guys can paint their whole naked chests for their teams, but women have to paint around or over their bras and tank tops. Coaches like to sniff at paper and their hands. Apparently, cleanliness after bathroom breaks is an issue. Tattoo quality is an issue for some folks. There are statistics about how many times gas is passed during a game. There are other statistics about how many times a person on team  has a head rush and how many times they jump around in potato sacks. Pom-poms will never look cool. Some guys should just be spokesmen for Butterfinger instead of trying to have a football career. Some dude in the College Game Day commercial is dumb enough to point a drill at his hand. I really won’t be shocked if he ends up with a hole in that hand and claims to have the Stigmata. If you don’t want to say “For Fuck’s Sake” during a game, you just aren’t paying attention. You might not want to mention “compensating” while commenting on a sport where you also have to mention “being tight”, “going down” and “inches”. There is apparently something called a “Magic Number”. ESPN isn’t run by Muggles. Praise JK! The tiny white dude is the only one who gets to put his foot on the football. SportsCenter is apparently a big deal.

Stuff I Learned From ESPN and College Football Coverage


This is my Mamama’s Beef Stroganoff recipe. Ingredients 1 pound ground beef 1 small onion, chopped 1 can cream of mushroom soup 1 cup sour cream 1 cup cheddar cheese, shredded Cooking Instructions Brown ground beef with onion, pour off any fat. Stir in cream of mushroom soup. Cover and let it cook until it begins to boil. Mix sour cream and cheese in a bowl. Lower heat, then stir the cheese mixture into the beef. Let cook five minutes or until cheese has melted thoroughly. Serve with egg noodles or toast.

Recipe: Mamama’s Beef Stroganoff



I’ve been thinking about my aunt’s comment about my family being greedy. Aside from when I used to beg for stuff online and my general wish that my family had a better quality of life, the only time I can remember wanting what I couldn’t have so strongly was at Christmas. I used to make out lists for my entire family–well, for my parents, grandparents, aunt Barbara, and Santa.1 Aunt Cecelia didn’t get a list because she lived almost 400 miles away and I never really saw her. Besides, she would send care packages every month and checks for Christmas and my birthday. Eric and Eileen got one or two lists because I was told to make one out for them. I don’t remember if my great-grandparents got lists or not. Anyway, when I was really young, the lists would be several pages long. The lists got shorter as I grew up. And my last list may have had about 5 things to choose from.2 Even though the lists were long, I didn’t really expect all of the stuff. They were just things that I thought would be cool to have. Each item was something I saw in catalogs, magazines, or on television. Each person’s list was different and would contain items that I thought went with their income level.3  ((My mom is still of the opinion that I didn’t know that we were poor when I was younger.)) Barbara’s lists (as well as Santa’s) were always the ones that contained the most expensive items because I knew that she was better off financially than anyone else in the family and that Santa had to be loaded. So I guess as a kid that I was sort of greedy. The thing is that I was actually really happy with cheap stuff. I never got a Barbie Dream House or Easy Bake Oven or the Mall Madness game, but I knew that when it came right down to it, the stuff I got was awesome and I was lucky to get it. I treasured the things I got, like when she got me the Monopoly game in 1991. As soon as we got home from Uncle Raymond’s house that year, my parents and I were playing it. I was so excited because it was meant for players 8 and up, and I wasn’t turning 8 for two more months. I was also happy because that game gave me a chance to play with both of my parents, which had become really rare–my dad worked 80 hour weeks for Radio Shack and my mom had been injured in 2 car crashes in 1991. And I remember that in 1998 my aunt probably spent, for lack of a better term, a buttload of money on this huge box that was filled with books about the R.M.S. Titanic, Titanic movie posters, a Titanic t-shirt, Leonardo DiCaprio books, movies, and posters. She also got me the Good Will Hunting video that year. I had my bedroom decorated with those posters by the time that school started back in January. I still have those posters (except 1), books, and videos. (The t-shirt and one of the posters went with Stephanie when she moved in with her Aunt Darlene.) I always loved the things that she got me when I was younger, not for what they cost, but because I thought they came from someone who valued me. And even though I could never afford to get her expensive gifts, when I could afford to buy her anything at all, I always tried to make sure that it was something that she would treasure or at least appreciate in some way. I always wanted her to be happy with me, to love me. And now I get to deal with the idea that maybe I never was as important to her as she was to me. I found out the truth about Santa on December 24, 1992. I still made Santa lists for fun, though. ↩Nana told me to make one every year until I was about 25 or 26, so I did it. ↩I can be practical, you know. ↩

The Seventh Sin