Endgame


Before the Fourth of July, I went to see my family doctor to go over some lab work that I’d had done.  He told me that my labs looked “better than they have since 2010”. My HgbA1C was lower this time. My glucose and electrolytes were mostly normal. (My creatinine continues to be below normal, but I think it’s low level is just the norm for me.) My cholesterol was off, though. The HDL was low, while the total cholesterol, LDL, and triglycerides were all high. The doctor started me on pravastatin. He told me to let him know if there were any issues with the drug. I have to call him tomorrow with a potential issue, though.

It’s possible that a tendon in my hand (more specifically, my thumb) has ruptured. My thumb hurts and I felt a tearing sensation last week. It hurts in my thumb, the palm of my hand, and down into my forearm. Tendon ruptures are actually a side effect of statins and are more likely in women who take them than in men. I’ve been using ice packs regularly, and they help somewhat–until the pain comes thundering back. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I want to scream; and sometimes it’s so intense that I actually do.

I saw my hematologist last week. Actually, I saw a graduate nursing student. She said that everything they had tested looked great except my B12, which was actually too high. I wasn’t thinking when she told me this, but I had just taken the B12 shot either the day before or two days before I had the testing done. There was other (even better) news. My weight was down 13 pounds from the last time I had been to CCI, which was back in April. I have to go back in November, so maybe when I do, my weight will be even lower.

I think that chasing after Amy may be the cause for my weight loss. I’ve also cut down on my calorie intake somewhat–my appetite is almost shot shot some days. I’m mainly eating only when it is expected of me or when I start thinking about losing weight or looking better. Basically, anytime that I most people would abstain from eating, I find myself putting food in my mouth–even when I’m not hungry/don’t have the slightest desire to eat. I won’t even be thinking of actually eating and there will be food in my mouth. It’s like my brain and body are conspiring against themselves to keep me obese. Of course, that has to do with some sort of deep down issue that I wish I could discuss one-on-one with my therapist.

Speaking with her is still next-to-impossible. The narcissist I mentioned last month tried to take over this month’s session as well. Even though there were seven other patients in the session, she was still trying to make it all about her. Sweet, timid Debbie managed to channel her kickass roller-derby alter ego and managed to tell the girl that it was a group session and that everyone should get a chance to talk. Almost every person in group was able to discuss what issues were troubling them, but all I said was my name and that (on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best I’d felt) I was at a four. Debbie wanted anyone under a 5 to talk about their problems, but there just wasn’t the time for all of us once we finished listening to narcissist girl. I got to hear all about how she doesn’t get nervous when she’s out with her friends, how she doesn’t have anxiety over things that even “normal” people find stressful, etc. Meanwhile, I’m struggling with the idea of asking for a ride from my father to the library when I need to go so that I don’t end up having to pay some sort of fine. I can’t even get out a simple request from my own dad, and this girl is bragging about how she can handle hanging out in public with friends. She can handle crowds, socializing, etc. I know she has PTSD, but I’m not seeing how (other than that) this girl qualifies to be in an anxiety group. She seems to have problems that don’t correlate with what the group is supposed to be a about. She doesn’t respect that it’s a group setting or that sometimes other people need to talk about what’s going on or that sometimes Debbie (the therapist) actually should get a chance to get a word in. I really just wish that she would get out of the group because I don’t feel that she truly belongs in it. I know that I’m not the only one because everyone else in the group was getting pissed at her for basically taking over. Really. This girl needs to go. Like now. Maybe they can find a group for narcissists that they can put her in. Then she can fight with other the-world-revolves-around-me types.

I heard about Cory Monteith on the evening news. Is it bad to say that I wasn’t that shocked about his death? Even with his rehab stint earlier in the year. It’s still sad, but it wasn’t as surprising as it might have been with someone who didn’t have a history like his.


About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.