Apparently, a stressed out person is supposed to get hobbies to relax their frazzled brains. I don’t think that works for me, though. It seems like hobbies end up being more stressful than stress-relieving.
For example, if I get into a game or something, I start thinking about it all the time. I’ll think about it when I’m nowhere near a computer, including when I’m trying to sleep. I’ll start stressing out over things I should be doing to do better in the game. Eventually, I’ll get sick of the game and I’ll quit playing. Sometimes, I just quit for a little while. Usually, I quit and don’t go back.
It’s the same thing with blogging. I’ll do really well for a few days in a row about blogging, and I’ll get comments (or on Tumblr, likes and reblogs) and that will make me feel happy-ish. So I’ll post more. I’ll come up with lists of things I should post about, and then I end up hiding in a corner and not going on the internet for a while.
I used to be like this about layouts. I would always start planning these intricate layouts that never panned out. Doing layouts used to be fun, but not anymore. Now I use pre-mades, and rarely change those.
It shouldn’t surprise me that when I figured out that making graphics on Tumblr and LiveJournal also gave me those little bursts of happiness that I got obsessive about it. Then I started trying to make more and more stuff and that ended up making me dread making things. I’m not great with graphics–many would probably argue that saying I make anything above “somewhat okay” graphics would be overestimating my abilities. Still, it provided my brain an outlet, and now I get stressed out over making them.
Why can’t I have a hobby that doesn’t end up turning into some stupid obsession that drives me crazy?
I know it probably comes from my family history. Both parents do this type of thing as well. In fact, obsessive behavior about things that most people can walk away with is pretty much normal within both sides of my family. Many members on one side of my family had a Farmville addiction for a while a few years ago, and with each new family member that got into the game, they ended up with yet another person obsessed with something that was just meant to be harmless fun.
This is probably the kind of thing I should talk about with Debbie, but with my only therapy being once-a-month group sessions that are more like classes/lectures, that won’t be happening. (Thank you entitlement cuts, including my state’s budget cuts for mental health programs and Medicaid.) So I don’t know how to get out of this obsessive rut.