Dear Frozen Food Manufacturers

I will never understand you guys. Your instructions never seem to make sense and your math skills definitely leave something to be desired.

For example, pizza rolls are always supposed to be cooked in a circle on a microwavable plate. Why a circle? Is this so that they can pray to their personal gods about the sacrifices that they are about to make? Is it supposed to be a reminder of The Lion King? Am I supposed to break into song and dance when I stick the little sacrificial junk food in the microwave to honor its personal traditions? Or is it a reference to The Craft? Am I supposed to be afraid that Neve Campbell is going to show up with some crazy friends and kill me because I’m eating the unholy pizza rolls?

As for the IHOP At Home Griddle ‘N’ Sausage Wraps, there are eight of these in a box. The serving size is 1, despite the fact that they are as small as my thumb. The heating instructions, though, list only instructions for 3 at a time. Where the hell did you people learn math? If you’re going to heat them three at a time, why not toss in the extra one so that I can fix them three times? Otherwise, I have to buy three boxes to make the math work out properly. I only had a coupon for the one box that I got, so unless you’re planning on giving me a coupon for the other two boxes, that won’t be happening. (Your crap is way too expensive.)

What about the frozen chicken people? Tyson and Banquet seem to think that its cool to tell people what the serving size is in ounces. Am I supposed to weigh my food before I eat it? Why not give a chart that lets people that know which pieces of chicken might meet this ounce requirement?

And it isn’t just frozen food manufacturers. There are other food products that have ridiculous nutrition and math issues. There are the products that say that they have about x servings. Why can’t they put full servings in them? Is it that hard? I get that you’re into creepy math-related torture, but if you made it easier on your consumer, they might consume more. Or at least they wouldn’t write ridiculous letters to your companies on the internet.

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.