It is almost Christmas, just two more weeks now, and I still don’t know when my parents and I get to go see Nana. Apparently, my Aunt has yet to pick her day. And since we can’t have Christmas together like a normal dysfunctional family and since, according to her, we “picked” Thanksgiving Day to spend with Nana, we can’t pick Christmas as well.
I don’t get how we picked Thanksgiving. There is one day to celebrate Thanksgiving on and that’s Thanksgiving. We didn’t say we wouldn’t eat with them. That was my aunt’s decision. And since all that we do on holidays is eat together, because they always seem like they’re ready to be somewhere else, I don’t get why we couldn’t stick food in our mouths at the same time and in the same place. They would leave right after anyway, so I just don’t see why they can’t be grown-ups and bottle their hostilities towards us for an hour or so on two days this year. I mean, I’ve been bottling it up (obviously) for years and they want me to continue bottling it up publicly, so why can’t they do it for two out of the 8760 hours in the year? Apparently, that’s too much to expect.
And if we have to have separate holidays, then I think that we should get to pick Christmas. Last year, we got snowed in on Christmas and they chose to eat lunch and open presents at my grandmother’s house on Christmas, without us. And, according to Nana, the cousin-in-law was none-too-pleased that my parents and I weren’t willing to drive over an icy bridge, up and down an ice-and-snow-covered mountain, and down some country roads to get there in a car that’s 12 years old and didn’t even have much get-up-and-go when it was purchased, doesn’t have 4 wheel drive, and doesn’t have any winter weather gear (because this is Alabama) to celebrate Christmas with them. Oh, and the drive would’ve been without the dogs because we haven’t been allowed to have them around this particular family member since we first got Xander. (Odd, since they have a dog of their own now.) So, we would’ve been leaving 5 dogs at home, without food, with a limited supply of water, and (for Willow) without their medicine. We also would’ve had to take all of our medicine and some extra clothes with us, in case we got snowed in there. So, I’m not exactly sure why she was upset at our not coming last year and I’m not sure how it is that they got to choose when they celebrated Christmas with Nana last year and how they get to choose it again this year. Of course, they picked the day the family celebrated Christmas during the first few years that my cousin and his wife were married, thus leading to some issues for my family with regards to Christmas. So, it’s always been them who gets to choose that day. It kind of makes me feel like my family has never really been appreciated by their family. And that’s not exactly the warm, fuzzy feeling that one should have on Christmas or at any time of the year.
It’s not like it should matter to me when we celebrate Christmas. There are no presents to open in my immediate family, so it’s not like there will actually even be a Christmas here. At least, not a materialistic type Christmas. And Nana doesn’t buy presents anymore, so there won’t be anything like that from her. So by not getting Christmas with her (again) I’m just missing out on one of the two days a year when I don’t (generally) have to cook. Basically, I’m not getting one of my days off because some members of my family can’t put their big kid underwear on and deal with us for an hour or so. Way to go, them.
I could easily end this by apologizing, but the more ridiculous they get with their behavior, the less I think I should. Besides, like I’ve said many times (online and off), I haven’t said anything that I should really have to apologize for. They’ve used the same language in conversations about other people. Why do I have to apologize because my “conversation” is available for lots of people to read? Their conversations are a lot more likely to be overheard by someone that could take offense than my posts are to be read by someone who would get upset. Maybe I’m not completely competent about social mores, but how is their behavior any better than or my acceptable than mine? How is it okay to insult or degrade people about their lives behind their backs if you’re doing it vocally, but it isn’t okay to rant about my own feelings about what goes on in my life on a website that I pay for? Why is that okay? Maybe whoever is reading my blog on their behalf (‘cause I know they are) will be willing to have my aunt or uncle or cousin or even the in-law send me an email or something explaining that.
Sometimes I wish that I had a truly boring life. One where my family got along and everything could be considered normal. Then I realize that wishing for a different life won’t do any good because I’m stuck with this one. I’m stuck in a family where our relationships are basically based on some antiquated caste system with the “better than” members not wanting to talk to or spend time with the “less than” members, where it is normal to have third parties read blog entries to find negative words and then report back about how “this” or “that” was said even when it wasn’t, where it was okay to give R-rated movies to me when I was 15 but the second I mentioned being suicidal or psychotic I started getting gifts most families would consider to be okay for a little girl, where censorship is okay when I judge but they’re allowed to spew whatever crap they want, where my dad has to get “groomed” (haircut and extra shaving) to keep them from calling him names behind his back, and where I’m told not to talk about them, but they get to lie to my only living grandparent about what I say so that maybe, just maybe she might decide to quit talking to me or loving me or something. Yeah, that’s the family I get to have. I should just accept it and move on.