I don’t know why I haven’t talked much about my life lately. I guess because nothing is really changing. I still feel like crap. My mom is still whining and complaining about things. My dad is still angry and tired all the time.
My mom quit physical therapy a few weeks ago. When her doctor suggested that she start back, she told the doctor that she didn’t want to. That’s what I figured would happen from the beginning. My mom is afraid of the pain that the therapy causes. She is afraid to get better. She says she wants to get better, but it seems like it has become a lot easier for her to just give up than it has for her to get better. She has done this before–many, many times. The only major issue with her doing it this time is that it means that she is making herself fully reliant on my dad and on me. She doesn’t understand how much of a strain that is, and sometimes I really feel like she doesn’t care. It wouldn’t be that difficult for her to just ask the doctor to make sure that the physical therapy is once a week until she is a bit stronger. It would almost be reasonable. She doesn’t seem to care, though. She’s convinced that any physical therapy will lead to more pain and that more pain is just not acceptable. So, as frustrating and as stubborn as people seem to see me, I can assure you that my mother is more stubborn and more frustrating. She is completely unwilling to even try anything anymore, and that is extremely frustrating.
My dad, on the other hand, is getting angrier. He is mad all the time. He mainly yells at my mom when she says anything. He sometimes yells at me, but it is mainly at her. Every single thing that she does elicits a violently loud response. I know he doesn’t rest very well. I know that he doesn’t feel like she respects or appreciates him, and I’m pretty sure that he is right. I also know that she doesn’t feel that he understands how bad she feels, which she makes clear to me anytime that he isn’t in the room or he isn’t listening. She thinks that he is actively trying to ignore her. He thinks she is actively trying to piss him off. If it weren’t so personal and so frightening, it might actually be a bit interesting to watch. I’m sure that they will eventually stop being so frustrated with one another–at least for a little while.
You know the relationship described in “Love the Way You Lie”? That is the best description that I have ever seen for their relationship. They love each other, but it has never been a very healthy relationship because it can go from loving and doting to hateful and angry in mere seconds. And when I say never, I mean never. My mom hated my dad when they first met, but they have this intensity that keeps them together. It is sweet and painful.
As for me, I’m tired. I hurt. I hurt a lot. I haven’t gone to the doctor. I guess maybe my not going to the doctor is the same as my mom not going to the physical therapist. Maybe I’ve given up. I don’t think I’ll kick this infection and part of me really doesn’t want to. I want to feel better, but there is no way for me to do that without taking antibiotics and I just don’t feel like going through all the side effects of the antibiotics.