Fan: Richard told a story involving you and a train in Europe. And I would like to get your side of that story.
Jared: Alright, has anybody not heard the train in Europe? Y’all have not heard about the train in Europe? There are trains in Europe. Lots of them.

“Alright, um, Richard and Gen and I are going from England to Germany for the convention this summer. And we stopped through Amsterdam, I’d never been, Gen’s best friend lives there, and we were there for literally… two nights. And I needed to be in Germany at eight A.M. on Saturday and so we decided to get a train there from Amsterdam. And there are five trains a day, they’re high speed trains, it’s four hours, you leave Amsterdam station, high speed to Frankfurt, you’re there four hours later. So there were five trains, it’s like eight A.M, ten, noon, three and… six. And we couldn’t take the six o’clock because we were like, if we miss it, something happens, then we won’t make it to Germany in time for tomorrow, and so we had the three o’clock train. So we get our luggage, we lug it up, this is a high speed train, this is bound to be one that stays in the station for fifteen, twenty minutes, board your bag. So we get three tickets, one way, me, Gen and Richard, Amsterdam to Frankfurt. So we get there and the train is going to leave at three o’clock, it doesn’t pull in until 2:55. Which I guess is how it goes, so, uh, I’m like baby, Gen… not Richard. I call Richard ‘sweetie’. So I’m like, ‘baby, go first onto the train and save us three seats together, it’s a four hour train, we’ll probably want to get some sleep, so you take care of those seats, Richard and I got the bags’. She was like, ‘okay, sure’. So Richard goes right there on the train two steps up, I’m grabbing the bags and putting them up, and he’s just getting them inside. He figures once we’re inside, we’ll set them up. So I load them all up onto the train, give them a look, say ‘Richard, we’re fine, let’s put the bags up in the little compartments’. So we sit down, I’m sweating, because that’s what I do, so I sit down, I’m like ‘ahh, alright’ and Gen, she’s like ‘thanks baby. By the way, where’s the grey bag?’ And I go, ‘the grey bag— oh shit’. Run for the door, as the door is shutting, I push the open button, and I push the open button, and I push the open button and the door’s not opening. I literally could’ve just gone [bends forward and reaches over] and taken the bag, but the train has shut the door. So I’m like, ‘uuuuhhhh’ so I push the close button, I don’t know, maybe the open button’s not working and nothing’s happened. And it’s not even my bag, where it’s like, t-shirts, it’s Gen’s, and she brought nice dresses for dinner and stuff like that, whatever women do, shoes and… I still haven’t figured it out. And so it’s all her nice stuff in the bag. At this point you hear [imitates the air brakes].

So, a lady walked up to the bag… another important part I forgot is that Bin Laden’s just been killed, and so terror alert is like, skyrocket. It’s like, super high, people with gun, because they’re saying it’s gonna be a lone wolf type that’s gonna exact vengeance and the Amsterdam hub is a huge hub and so I’m like, there’s a bag on the platform, it’s unmarked, it’s locked, and a lady walked up to it, and Richard and I are like, banging on the door, and the lady kind of hears us and looks, and we’re like [points back and forth from himself to in front of him] my bag! That’s mine! Me! Me! Bag! Us! So she’s me and goes like this: [he shrugs]. And I was like, I can’t… I don’t know what that means, does that mean like, you’re S.O.L. or I can’t do anything or does that mean, like, you’re stupid, but I don’t think it’s good. So then the train takes off, high speed, to Frankfurt. So I’m like, ‘we’re two cars from the edge, I’m gonna run to the conductor and just tell him I’m a Canadian and— ‘cause I’m not, but I’m just gonna tell him— I don’t know who to call, I’m in Amsterdam, I don’t have my phone to dial 35 numbers and a plus sign, and so I’m like, ‘I’ll just tell the conductor, he’ll know what to do.

So I run to the end of the train where the conductor sits, I push the button and the door opens. But there’s no conductor on that side. The conductor walked to the other side of the train because we’re going that way now. So, by the way, now we’re high speed, we’re a minute or two out of Amsterdam, and I’m actually— my heart’s beating right now. I guess that’s good, but it’s beating fast. And I go back and Gen’s kind of like, ‘uh… so?’ Not good. So I walk back to the thing and Richard’s kind of like, ‘I don’t know what to do man, I ran three parts that way, I couldn’t find anybody that works— what do we do?’ And I just can’t get my nerves down and I don’t know what to do, like I can’t just— her back could have… exploded… by a robot, with wheels. And I go back to the door, and I notice something that I didn’t notice before by the button. There’s a little plate of glass, with an emergency Do Not Push and one of those movie style red buttons behind the plate of glass. So… I punched the glass, and I pushed the Do Not Push the Button button. And when I pushed this… Do Not Push the Button button [he makes a screeching noise], like Star Trek, like, people getting thrown, babies crying, like we’re going to fall off a cliff, the train stops. It’s not like, oh, casually slow down at the next station, the train, super high pitched noise, and everybody is looking at the giant, scary, sweaty man, me, who just stopped the train. And Richard goes, ‘I think this isn’t good, man’. I say, ‘I think so too, sweetie’. And he goes ‘I got your back, but I’m gonna have a seat’.

I’ve punched through the glass, the door’s flung open, but now we’re in the middle of nowhere because the train’s stopped. It’s not like we’re in a station, we’re on train tracks, like in Europe, in the middle of Amsterdam or wherever we are. So this lady comes running in, and she’s like, ‘who pushed the button?! Who pushed the button?!’ And I kinda [gingerly raises his arm], ‘I did’. She comes up, and very sincerely goes, ‘what’s wrong, what’s going on?’ I think she thinks like, someone’s got a gun, I’m having a heart attack, my wife is giving birth, I’m giving birth, she’s not thinking some d-bag just stopped the train, and I say ‘uh… my wife’s bag is back on the platform’. And she’s kind of rewinds it in her head, and it still translates to ‘my wife’s bag is the platform’, and she goes, ‘you… you pushed the emergency button because your wife’s bag is on the platform? You can’t push the button because your wife left her bag on the platform’. And I go, ‘ma’am, look, I’m very sorry, I didn’t realize it would stop the train’, and she goes, ‘you didn’t stop the train, you stopped ALL of the trains’. Because when one train stops, the rest have to stop so they don’t smoosh into each other. And she kind of walks away because now some other guy is there, and he looks at me and goes, ‘this is going to be very expensive’. And I was like, ‘oh my god, okay, we’ll figure that out, but in the meantime, in all honesty, I don’t want my wife’s most prized possessions to be destroyed and I don’t want someone to look at her underwear’. I’m just kidding. And I was like, ‘okay, in the meantime, my wife’s bag is honestly on the platform, what can we do about it?’ So luckily she was able to call and say hi, if there is a grey bag, then don’t destroy it, we have somebody here who owns it, if it hasn’t been destroyed yet. It wasn’t, someone found it, and we got it, but the guy goes, ‘this is going to be very expensive’. And I was like, ‘how much does it cost to stop the entire European train system?’ And the guy walks up to me and goes, ‘it’s gonna be about 150’. And he didn’t say any unit, and I kind of go, ‘alright’ and I go and I sit down next to Gen, and I go ‘baby, if this is 150,000 Euros, I’m just going to run. I love you, I have my phone,  I’ll be in Europe. It’s not a plane, where you give them your stuff, it’s a train. I bought a ticket, they don’t know who I am, even if they do, I can say I’m the guy from 7th Heaven or something, so it’s it’s 150,000 Euros, I’m just gonna run, baby, the door’s open, I’m just gonna hoof it’. And she was like, ‘yeah, you are’.

So I get back up, and the guy brings out his little thing, and he’s like, ‘alright, 150 Euros’. I was like, ‘that’s it?’ I was like [imitates rapidly handing him money]. And so, it cost 150 Euros, but we got the bag back.”

I think she thinks like, someone’s got a gun, I’m having a heart attack, my wife is giving birth, I’m giving birth

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.