If we learned anything from this moronic debt ceiling debacle, it’s that government is a lot like the subway. People tend to give the crazy person what he wants. The reason John Boehner could brag that he got 98% of what he demanded was that he had an ace card in the sixty odd tea partiers in his caucus. I don’t say sixty odd because I’m not sure how many there are; there are sixty and they’re odd. And Boehner could point to them and say, “Look, these guys don’t give a fuck. They don’t want compromise and solutions. The only response they’re going for is, ‘Oh, shit! How’d Skeeter get a gun?’” Yes, ‘cause we’ve all seen that movie where some psycho has a gun to a woman’s head and the rookie hostage negotiator isn’t getting anywhere, so they bring in Mel Gibson, who can relate to the psycho because he’s a psycho. That’s what the Democrats need; their own Mel Gibson. The only way to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of sixty unstable, loony tune, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherfuckers. So, please, liberals, start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary; anywhere where you might find angry left wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans. And to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody, the party within the Democratic Party will be called The Donner Party. That’s right. We will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face-Ripper Monkey. (That’s right we brought back Face-Ripper Monkey.) And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU or Green Peace or MoveOn.org. Oh, please. Those are educated people—lawyers and scientists. We need loud mouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac and say to them, “You think you can be pea-brained, single-minded, and purple with rage? Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich? We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a Constitutional Amendment banning abortion? We call for a federally-funded partial-birth abortion at the drive thru at McDonald’s. You want Reagan on the $50 bill? We insist on Janeane Garofalo.” Because apparently, crazy is the new sensible, and we will not lose the war of bad ideas. So, here’s what else we want. Guns? Still legal, but no new guns may be produced, therefore to get one, you have to literally pry it from another guy’s cold, dead hands. Also, not only must gay history be taught in public schools, but also gay math, with word problems like: if the park ranger inspects the restrooms every 4 hours and it takes Glenn twelve minutes to get a stranger off, how many strangers can Glenn service between inspections? (Twenty. Thanks, doc.) In any budget stalemates, the Donner Party will insist on a writer to the bill stipulating that Jesus is “just a guy” and that if you so much as thank him for scoring a touchdown, the state will take your children and you must perform 200 hours of community theatre. And the other bill that I’m afraid the Donner Party must insist on is the “We Want Everything They Have Bill of 2011”, which guarantees all Americans what Europeans get, like Free Health Care and Six Weeks of Paid Vacation, which sounds so good I think I’ll start mine right now.
Bill Maher, during his New Rule monologue segment of Real Time with Bill Maher on August 5, 2011
I just spent about 45 minutes transcribing the entire monologue, which is not something that I would recommend for anyone to try to do. The answer of twenty was from Neil deGrasse Tyson, who was on his celebrity panel for the August 5th show. He’s the guy who had Pluto demoted.