If you’ve been reading this blog anytime during the last 7 years, you would know that I have been classified as some type of bipolar many times in that time period. Every doctor seems to think I have it. I don’t. I have never felt “bipolar”.
Yes, I have rapid-cycling moods, but only once in my life have I ever truly experienced mania. Once. In 7 years of having some form of this disorder, I have had the mood that is most commonly associated with it a grand total of one time.
I have been depressed or “mixed” the rest of the time. And when I experience the mixed symptoms, I only get about 1 or 2 at a time. I never feel indestructible, and though without medication I would pretty much always be awake, I don’t feel “full of energy”. I have a lot of irritability, but that’s relatively common for Borderlines, as are my excessive planning, spending sprees, and other “reckless behavior”. Sure, I’m easily distracted, but when I was 17, I was also diagnosed as ADD, which could easily explain that. My speech never gets quick and my jumping from subject to subject and having certain other speech problems could easily be explained by being Schizoaffective. My self-esteem doesn’t get inflated. And delusions of grandeur don’t happen with me. I have delusions, but I never feel all that superior. I do have racing thoughts. I will admit to that. The hallucinations and paranoia are also things explained by the Schizoaffective disorder.
So basically, my main things are that I get irritable and I have racing thoughts. These are particularly bad during the summer, as I usually do not have enough energy in the winter to survive let alone have symptoms of mania.
When I am mixed, I also have suicidal thoughts. I think that it’s weird for someone who is considered to have Bipolar to get so suicidal so much of the time.
Any time I bring up that I think I was wrongly diagnosed, my mom is like, “You have that problem and the doctors say it so it must be true.” Well, it’s nice that the doctors think that because they see me for about fifteen minutes every three to six months that they can rule out all the other disorders in the DSM and give me this one disorder that I, a person who has been living with my mind for almost 25 years and knows its inner workings quite well, don’t think that I’ve ever had enough of the symptoms for.
Oh, it’s possible that I am just Schizoaffective, depressive type. That is completely possible, and I would be more willing to accept that.