27
November

*le sigh*

My Thanksgiving has sucked. Actually, my week has pretty much sucked. The movie was great, but so much happened in the hours following the movie. My grandmother called and had developed pneumonia, so I stayed with her for a night to make sure she was okay. Then, my mom stayed with her the next two nights. I developed something like bronchitis, which got worse the more stressed I got. My mom’s health started to get worse, but I kept passing it off as her just being annoying. (I know it’s bad to do that, but sometimes I don’t get that she can be in so much more pain when we have virtually the same things wrong with us.) I stayed up cooking all night last night for today, and I was psyched. Then, my dad was all moody when he woke up because I’d left the TV on too loud when I was finished cooking and was just reading. Then, my mom, dad, and I went to my grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving like usual, only once we got there things took an unusual turn. She was fine for a while, then she got pale and started having trouble breathing and having trouble stopping this whole body twitching thing. It was scary, in a way, because I kept thinking that she was going to die before the ambulance got there. (My grandmother lives in the middle of nowhere practically, so it wasn’t like I didn’t have a reason to fear.) I wasn’t panicking, though. I stayed very calm. I tried to help the medics with as much information as possible. I didn’t start crying until she was in the ambulance and my dad was talking to her before they left. I was all by myself in the car, which, as you know, leads to badness. I was thinking of contingency plans. What did I do if my mom didn’t make it while in transport from my grandmother’s house to the hospital in Huntsville? I would survive, I finally determined, but I wasn’t sure what would be left of me. I mean, when you take into consideration that anyone who has ever seen the interaction between my mom and me has said that it’s like watching two people sharing one mind, it is important to realize that we feel like one person sometimes. Whatever hurts one, hurts the other. We don’t let each other do anything risky for fear the consequences not only to that person, but to ourselves. We’re very careful, which can lead to resentment, but it’s a resentment that we understand. Anyway, back to the whole this week’s suckage, we got to Huntsville after winding down some country roads pretty fast and my mom was told that her blood sugar had dropped to like 37. (The low end of normal is 70.) She was given some sugar and things started to get better. They had to give her a breathing treatment, which I figure is why her blood sugar started bottoming out again, partially. (If you’ve never had asthma medicine, let me tell you, it drains your body of every resource.) It hit 48 after it had gone up briefly. They gave her more sugar. She sent me home. I stayed at home, fielding calls from my grandmother every hour and a half. My mom was admitted to the hospital. My dad told me at 7:00 that he was about to come home. I started panicking around 8:10 when he wasn’t here. I thought that he should have been here at least 40 minutes earlier. I don’t like being alone in the dark, especially in an already tense situation. So he got here at about 8:30, and instead of berating him for not being here on time, I just let it slide. I felt like if I got mad at him, then I would be punished somehow for being a bad daughter and that I would end up with both parents in the hospital or worse. (Crazy, I know, but that’s how my brain works.)

I’m extremely tense right now, so I made a deal with my dad that I get to spend tomorrow at the movie theater. He asked me what I was going to see. That should have been an easy guess. I’m a dork, therefore what movie am I going to go see? Twilight, of course. Not once, but twice. There shouldn’t be too many teenage girls at the first showing, since it’s at 12:20 in the afternoon. I mean, most teens don’t go to matinees, even when school is out. (Always try to get the matinee, if you’re planning on booking seats to a popular movie.) It will probably be busier at 3:20 when the second showing starts.

I was planning on seeing the movie again, anyway, but I needed to pick something that I could just lose myself in. I’m pretty good at doing that when it comes to the whole Edward and Bella thing. I think when I come home, I may start reading the books again. I just finished them again this morning, but to me, they’re like comfort food. Since I haven’t been eating much at all since I went on the Metformin, I might have to take comfort in reading certain books instead of indulging in things that will cause my sugar to do what my mom’s has been doing…shooting up and plummeting.

I’m almost over my hypoglycemic thing that’s been going on today, as well. My mom and I both did the stupid thing this morning of taking our “sugar medicine” with candy, instead of real food. (If you can trick the drug into thinking that you’ve just taken in sugar, then you don’t have to eat as much, therefore leaving the pouch open for more food…which is a good thing on Thanksgiving.) It backfired on both of us, her more than me. My hypoglycemia kicked in and has been kicking my butt all day long. I finally had a meal at about 3 at the hospital, then some more real food at about 5:30 because my body had already gotten over the minor sugar rush that I had gotten from the real food I had eaten shortly before that. I had to eat a little more real food at 7. Then, I just grabbed a bottle of G2 and started swigging back the sugar in the form of light Gatorade. It seemed to even out my sugar, to where I was able to deal with it for a while while I waited on my dad to get home. Once he got home, my mood stabilized and so did my sugar. I haven’t been hungry the whole time he’s been home. Yay for small miracles.

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18
November

Busy Week

This is supposed to be a busy week for me. Yesterday was my only off day. Today I had an appointment with the gynecologist. Tomorrow is pdoc. Thursday is the therapist. On Friday, I have two tickets to see Twilight.

My gynecologist was busy today, so I only got to see the nurse and the nurse practitioner. The nurse was lucky that I went in in a relatively good mood because she was extremely rude. She announced twice that I had gained 15 pounds…loudly. She then chastised me for gaining said weight and then pestered me on the cause of my visit. I kept telling her that my hormones were screwed up and THAT was the reason my periods have been gone since the summer. She kept insisting that I must be pregnant. Now, I’m no health care professional, but I do believe I have had enough of a biology lesson to know that if you don’t have sex, you don’t get pregnant. Now, I do believe in the whole exception to that rule thing, but I was not visited by angels, nor do I think that I have been inseminated in my sleep by the Spirit. So basically, I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but she would not let it go. Finally, she said, “Well, maybe he won’t make you take a pregnancy test, but I doubt it.” Grr! Oh, and she gave me a hard time about my blood pressure being so high, after she had thoroughly made me mad. The nurse practitioner spent a good deal of time with me. We talked about how I’ve had reactions to birth control pills in the past when trying to get all regulated. We also talked about how impossible it was for me to get pregnant without sex. She told me that she was fairly certain I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), but she was going to run some tests to confirm. So I had to have blood drawn, and the person who did that was actually able to do it in one-stick. That was a God-send.

Tomorrow, I have my five month checkup with the psychiatrist. He’ll tell me how relatively sane I might be, or insane as the case may be. I will have to remember to take my form from UAH to get them to say that I’m a crazy girl and need assistance on tests because of my nuttiness. Fun stuff.

Thursday is my monthly visit with the therapist, though I missed the October one. When I go too long without psychiatric or psychological treatment, I get antsy. Thursday will also be my day to call my family doctor AGAIN to get them to schedule me for a visit with the neurologist to see why I have been having what my mom refers to as “seizures” since I was a little kid.

Friday, of course, is Twilight. All I have to say is that it better not suck.

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13
November

2nd Annual To Write Love on Her Arms Day



TWLOHA 001, originally uploaded by janetdmorris.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

As many of you know, I have had issues with depression and self-injury, as well as some issues with drug abuse and a suicide attempt, so this cause is very important to me. Okay, so I don’t talk about the latter two as much as the first, but when I first heard about TWLOHA, I thought that it would be awesome to support such a great cause.

Of course, it’s difficult to write love on your arms sometimes when you have depression, addiction, etc., but it is important to do so. I just hope that for those of you who participated in today’s writing on the arms that you actually knew why you were doing so and weren’t participating to look cool. I always worry that people think that they’re just supposed to go with the flow with these things and that they are supposed to just write it on their arms to fit in.

This was not a day about fitting in. It was about standing up for a cause. Showing the world that love can help conquer these problems.

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11
November

I Can Hear the Bells

I need to make this entry as quickly as possible because I have to cook supper. Admittedly, my skills are being used to prepare hot dogs and chips, but still, I’m going to make the best darn hot dogs and chips I can make. I kind of miss the days when I did the gourmet thing most nights, but that got to be a kind of expensive thing to do.

I had fun last night. We took a bunch of pictures, which was cool. I uploaded them to Facebook, where many people de-tagged themselves, which is kind of annoying. I understand asking if you can be de-tagged, but it seems a little wrong to de-tag yourself without asking the person who posted the pictures first. I also deleted one picture from the Facebook album because someone asked me to. She thought the picture was of her butt, when it was really of Anthony, a friend. (She just got in the shot when I was taking the picture.) I don’t think I’m going to do that (deleting one) again. I like being able to post MY pictures on MY account. I don’t think it’s fair when I have to delete a picture because someone doesn’t like it. Of course, she didn’t ask me to delete it from Flickr, and even if she had, I wouldn’t. On Facebook, I’m a bit more free-spirited with my pictures than I like being on Flickr.

I asked two friends to having Thanksgiving with my family, but so far one has said he can’t come. I figure the other one will decline as well. Kind of sucks, but I guess that’s okay. I mean, as long as their having a good Thanksgiving somewhere, then that’s what matters.

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10
November

Look, Ma, one hand!

I had another driving lesson this afternoon. It went okay, I guess. I got to travel on some pretty scary curving roads in town. And one of these roads, I got to drive on with one hand in my lap. I would have had both hands on the wheel, but my right arm was cramping really bad and the instructor said I could try to drive with one hand. Then, he became quite interested in how a person who is supposedly right handed (I just told him I write with my right hand) could drive best with her left hand on the wheel. He seemed to think that that was strange. I tried to tell him that I was ambidextrous, but he didn’t seem phased by that.

I have really got to get some help with my auditory processing problem. I can’t understand what is being said to be part of the time, and that is not a good thing to have go on, particularly when you’re driving or learning to drive. I need to be able to use all my senses properly, and it doesn’t seem like I’m going to be able to do that without some intervention by a professional.

I’m going through the holiday_wishes lists and seeing what wishes I can grant.

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8
November

Sleep All Day

I have been asleep most of the day today. After my mom awaking me at 7:00 to cut mats out of Xander’s fur, I stayed up to take him to the vet because he had been chewing at himself. (He needed to be “expressed”, but she thought that it was the mats.) Then, I came home and sat in the recliner and fell asleep. I woke up every hour and was like, “I need to stay awake. I need to stay awake.” Didn’t work until 3:00. So far, I’ve been up 32 minutes. I’m trying to cook right now.

I found quite a few recipes for Thanksgiving already, but I am going to look for some more just to make sure that I have a good enough selection to choose from when I start my recipe selection process. My mom will probably freak when she figures out that I have decided to cook so much stuff. She’ll probably say something about how there are too few of us to cook so much, but I do not want to be cooking for us after Thanksgiving for a few days.

3 comments

7
November

Never Tell Me That!

Tonight, my mom talked to my grandmother about Thanksgiving. It had been decided, without asking me, that I would cook the Dressing. I’m fine with that. Tonight, though, I said something about, “Well, what if I want to cook other things?” Apparently, I’m allowed to cook what I want. Score! I love cooking real food. This is going to be awesome, as long as I feel good. I’m going through recipe sites and bookmarking things that look like they’d be good. I know there will only be a few of us for Thanksgiving, but if I make things and they’re good, I might be able to make them for Christmas, too.

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