I know I said I might not post today because this crossposts to LJ, but screw that. I pay to own this site, so I’ll post what I want. I’m still upset with LJ for blocking interests, including depression. How am I supposed to find other people who are going through what I’ve been through on there with them blocking depression? That’s just screwed up!
I got dressed this morning and something was different. My skirt, which fit fine last week, was a bit loose today. It kept almost falling off, so I had to basically pin it down with my top. Apparently, I’m losing weight. Yay! I don’t know how much, though, because I refuse to weigh myself.
So I went to the doctor this morning. He didn’t do a freaking psych eval. He just asked me what meds I’m on and wrote a new prescription, but this time he did it sans Depakote. Woohoo! No more of that crap. I’m not sure what to do with it because I don’t want to poison the water with it, nor do I want to breathe that crap in by having it incinerated. My mom said we can have a Depakote destroying party. Yay.
The doctor told me that I was on too much medicine, but I told him that without it, I was basically really screwed up. He wanted to lower my Abilify, but I told him that I was already hallucinating a little. I’m not seeing or hearing anything big, just little bugs and little whispers. Nothing to write home about.
He was going to put me on Lamictal, but I can’t take that because it interferes with my ability to think. It causes me to have permanent brain fog. So then he thought about prescribing Lithium, which I definitely can’t take because of the twitches and tremors. (I can’t take the medicine to prevent the tremors because it drops my blood pressure too much.)
He talked to me about the suit. We also talked about how one of the teachers involved used to pick on me in class and behind my back. He had asked me if there had been a conspiracy to get rid of me, and I told him there was, but I was quick to point out that that wasn’t the craziness talking. I told him how I had to change my wardrobe because one of the teachers used to say how ugly my clothes were and how she was basically going to punish me for having those clothes.
I’m about to go eat lunch, but I can’t decide what to eat. I need to eat something with protein and a little fat, so I was thinking about having some angel hair with spread and Parmesan, but I don’t really feel like fixing it. I could eat some ramen. That has protein and fat, but not a lot. Ugh. I hate this. I hate eating. I wish I could just not eat and still survive. Isn’t it amazing how I go from compulsive eater one week to absolutely hating to eat the next?