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My field instructor that loves and adores me so much never called me back about placing me in field. *note the sarcasm in the loves and adores part* She said I called too late. I can’t believe her. I decided to go ahead and register for other classes:

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
10:00-10:50 – Urban Society

Monday and Wednesday
2:00-3:20 – Film Production I

Tuesday and Thursday
9:30-10:50 – Politics of the Middle East
2:00-3:20 – Personality Theories

Friday
8:00-10:00 – Senior Seminar in Research

Classes start on Monday.

I only have $70 in the bank, so I can’t afford to pay the $8000 that A&M wants to have in order to confirm my schedule. I can’t even afford to pay for books. My mom is going to see if her church will pay for my books. I hope that they will, though I’m not a member. (She’s LDS.)

I joined a LiveJournal rating group for “fat girls”. I figured that if they weren’t going to give me a hard time for my weight that I would be fine. I know I have a pretty face, but these people were cruel. They gave me a hard time about my hair, my teeth, my eyebrows, my journal content, my psychological problems, and more. Then they acted like I was the annoying one and that I picked the fight. They suggested I was fake because I wasn’t pretty enough. Of course, I knew these girls were illogical considering what they had said to other people who had joined the group. It seemed like pretty girls were always told they were ugly, therefore, I believed that these girls must be some of the ugliest girls on earth…if not on the outside, then at least on the inside. They picked on people like they must have been picked on growing up.

I decided to contact PublishAmerica about possibly publishing a book of poetry that I had put together. They’re supposed to get back in touch with me soon. I hope I can get it published. I know poetry doesn’t sell much, but I’m hoping that I can get it out there to at least some people.

I’ve written at least 20 pages about what’s happened recently for my memoirs. I hope it will be a good book. I know that I’m no Elizabeth Wurtzel, but I think that I have a story to tell. I mean, I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 8. I’ve been abused. I’ve been “institutionalized”.

Speaking of institutionalized, there’s this guy who killed two police officers a few years ago who should have been sent to the hospital but he got better on meds and decided to plea guilty. He had called the police because he thought someone (aliens) was after him, but when they got there, he thought they were the ones after him. Now he’s in the hospital because of “heat related causes” and, last I heard, he’s in intensive care. I think the guards attacked him or something. I know that it’s been in the 100′s for the past 11 days around here, but that doesn’t mean that he should have gotten sick. And to say he was THAT sick? Something just doesn’t add up.

Oh, one of the girls on that group said that I needed to try holistic medicines because of all the medications that I’m on. What she probably doesn’t know is that it might be just as dangerous to use holistic medicine as it is to use Western medicine. Especially with all of the problems that I have. You have to be careful telling mentally ill people to go off their psychiatric medicine unless you have actual training in the field of psychiatry. I don’t like it when people go all “Tom Cruise” and say, “Medication is bad. Vitamins are good.” They usually have no clue what they’re saying, and could endanger lives.

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I’ve been having hallucinations lately and urges to cut and bang my wrists. I decided to go back to BUS for support. I’m also writing my memoirs.

I called my field instructor today, and she basically told me that it would be impossible to give me a placement for this next semester. She even told me that because I couldn’t drive, I was at a bigger disadvantage. This from the woman who told me that because of my anti-psychotics I shouldn’t learn to drive. AND she didn’t like my doctor’s note telling her I could come back. It has to have things in it telling her I can be in social work, follow rules, and interact properly. She’s just so…GRR!

I don’t think my psychiatrist will write a new note to the teacher since he asked me 10 times yesterday if I needed to be in the hospital.

I’m now on Abilify–15 mg in the morning and 15 at night. I’m also on 3500 mg of Depakote. That’s 7 tablets at one time. I’m still on my other meds, and my family physician put me on Cymbalta.

I think the Cymbalta is causing nightmares. I had a nightmare last night that my dad and my uncle got into an arguement and my father ended up killing himself. I woke up, only to find that I was still dreaming. On Friday/Saturday, I had a nightmare that I was in an elevator and there was blood seeping through the ceiling of an elevator. Then I found out that the floor above was bleeding. I had trouble sleeping after that. It’s weird, I’m a total fan of horror movies, but having the horror images visit me in my dreams is just too much. Then I have dreams with George Bush in them where I think the man is a good guy, and they don’t scare me. There is something wrong with me.

I joined chemistry.com about 3 months ago, and there still are no guys interested in me. I feel pathetic.

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I’m sorry that I haven’t written in a long time. I had to deal with some stuff related to my Geodon. It was causing a lot of the pain and muscle spasms. It took me a while to get over it. Now I’m on Abilify.

I want to start a site for writers. It would be a collaborative hyperdrama about a mental health clinic. If you’re interested in writing for it, please contact me at janet [at] celestialmb [dot] org.

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