I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been a bit out of it. I had to go see a heart doctor because I’ve been having heart palpitations after I take my Depakote. I would’ve just relied on the opinion of my psychiatrist, but he’s in another country, probably India. (He’s Indian and does go on trips to the country every once in a while.) My mom thinks what’s been going on is anxiety, but I just worry that it’s something wrong with my heart. When I don’t take the Depakote, I don’t have the problem. I’m still waiting to hear back after wearing a heart monitor overnight. I’m afraid it will be pretty bad since I had chest pains while I had the monitor on.
I have to go see my family doctor tomorrow. I’ve been having an earache and a headache. I think I’m just falling apart. I’m thinking about telling my doctor about another problem that I’ve been having over the past year as well. I have trouble focusing my eyes. If I look up, my eyes will get stuck in that position. It’s weird. It’s part of why I’ve been hesitant on learning to drive. I don’t want to look in a certain direction while I’m driving and end up driving into something or off the road.
I’m thinking of changing schools and majors. A&M rebated my loans so I can’t go back there until I’ve paid them nearly $6,000 that I don’t have. Apparently, when you drop out of A&M, they give back the money that you borrow to the financial institutions that you borrow it from. They don’t take into account that that money has already been spent on other things like food and shelter. I called them this morning, and apparently what they did confused the guy I talked to, so he’s supposed to call me back. They’re only open for another hour and twenty minutes. I doubt that they’ll ever call back. I told my mom that I’d pay them back in installments and transfer to UAH. It would take me another two years to graduate with a Bachelor’s, but at least I’d be finished. Then I’d have to go to grad school somewhere. I was going to go to A&M, but I don’t know if I should go there. Their attitudes don’t make me want to stick around.
Saturday is graduation day for my friends. It would have been my graduation day, too, if things had gone differently. It’s going to be really difficult for me to go see everyone graduate. I don’t know that anyone understands how hard it’s going to be. I want to be happy for them, but I can’t help but feel sad at the same time.