What It’s Like To Feel

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Do you ever get the feeling that some people don’t like you? I mean, they might have liked you at one point, but they decided that you’re not good enough for them anymore. I don’t like that feeling, but some people have been giving off that sort of vibe recently. I know that I’m a paranoid person, so I know that people might actually care when I think they don’t, but I can’t shake the feeling that some people don’t like me when I’ve done nothing to them.

Speaking of paranoia, I’ve been a little more paranoid lately. I’m always worrying about something, and I’m so afraid that that is going to manifest itself in hallucinations. I think it’s already manifesting in delusions. You know, the hallucinations are only supposed to be related to my mood, according to my diagnosis, but they’re not anymore. I can have them when I’m depressed and when I’m not. It’s like they’re working on their own now. I could probably ask to be put on more anti-psychotics, but then I’d probably sleep all the time. Though, the last time I took 3 pills instead of 2, it didn’t knock me out.

My Depakote had been helping me sleep more since the increase, but it didn’t help last night. I guess my body got used to it, and it’s not going to help me sleep anymore.

I’ve been on antibiotics for the past few days and I think it’s messing with my system. I know that they can do that. They can also cause rashes, which I’m on the lookout for.

I decided that I wanted to pursue my Master’s degree in Psychology, but I’m not sure if I want to do therapy or if I want to be a profiler. I’ve always thought profiling was interesting, and I think I’d be really good at it. It’s just that you don’t really have a lot of profiling jobs around here. I don’t really like the thought of leaving. Actually, the thought of leaving my house is scary enough, I can’t imagine the feeling of going to another city or state to become a profiler.

Do you ever feel hated? I know I’ve already talked about not being liked, but I’m convinced that I’m hated by someone in particular and she has a lot of control over my life. I hate that. I don’t hate her, though. She just makes me paranoid.

Someone suggested that I ask my psychiatrist if I’m Schizophrenic, but I’m afraid to. He doesn’t really like self-diagnosis, so if I brought it up, he’d probably shoot me down. He’d probably just say that I’m Bipolar and that I have to live with that.

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Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

2 thoughts on “What It’s Like To Feel”

  1. I get paranoid too. Actually, the only thing I get paranoid about is people being mad at me. If someone doesn’t talk to me for a while, or something like that, I always think they must be mad at me.

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