18
February

Birthday Imagery

I’m 23 now. My birthday was yesterday. I went to Pizza Hut and had pizza with my mom, dad, Marakie, and Alice. It was nice. I was a little disappointed, though. They had gotten rid of their jukebox, which is one of the things that I was most looking forward to. They weren’t playing ANY music. It was so boring sounding. Of course, we ended up talking a lot, but I still would’ve liked there to be music.

Marakie and Alice got me giftcards to Wal-Mart, which is what I had told Marakie I wanted when she asked. I don’t know how much they’re for, but I guess I can find that out pretty easily when I go to get stuff. I think I’m going to get Marie Antoinette. I don’t know what else to get. I’m definitely spending the $50 I got from my grandmother and aunt on Criminal Minds: Season 1.

I’m not supposed to watch any horror movies anymore, according to my psychologist. He’s afraid the imagery will trigger psychosis. If there’s one thing that doesn’t usually trigger psychosis in me, it’s images from horror films. The only possible trigger is The Messengers, which I’m not watching. So, with that in mind, guess what I chose to rent from Hollywood Video yesterday?! Little Miss Sunshine, Stay Alive, and Saw II. Little Miss Sunshine is the only thing that he would probably be okay with, though beauty contests can be like horror films. My dad said he’s not going to watch Saw II. (He’s not a big fan of the horror genre.) Horror films scare most people, but my mom raised me on them and they don’t scare me. Reality scares me.

I uploaded a bunch of pictures and started a new photo gallery here. I was going to take pictures last night at Pizza Hut, but I forgot to take my camera. I did take some pictures during the day yesterday, but, like most of my pictures, they were mainly of my puppies. I need to get more of Willow

I have new people to ban. I have a feeling that as long as I post about mental health related stuff, I’m going to be getting 1 star ratings from those people who believe I shouldn’t talk about my problems. It’s too bad that I don’t get a name and website to put with the IP addresses of those people.

I’m having an issue with the post-avatar and cricket moods plugins for WP. They appear right after I post an entry, but then the avatar and the mood buttons disappear later. I can’t contact the mood plugin creator because his contact info is dead. I haven’t tried contacting the post-avatar person.

I just tried adding the cash mod and shop mod to Celestial, but the cash isn’t showing up in the profile or in the shop. I posted a question about it on the mod support forums at phpbb, but I don’t know how long it’ll take for them to get back to me. It makes it impossible to use the shop if the money feature isn’t showing up. I thought about using XMB for a little while, but I don’t like XMB. I haven’t liked XMB since that idiot hacked my boards while I was using that script over 5 years ago. I know the script has changed, but I still don’t trust it.

5 comments

15
February

Creative Burst

Thanks to Kat, I have been inspired to try and make some themes that look different from the ones I’ve been making. I just need some time and the energy to try something new. I came up with dozens of ideas the past two nights, and I hope I’m able to accomplish at least some of them.

There is one issue. Usually when I get more creative, it precedes an episode where my thoughts start racing. That means I might be getting manic. It’d be a change from the depression, but it isn’t something that I’m looking forward to. If I become manic, then the delusions will start back, so I’m not looking forward to that.

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. He had my blood test results. I had 25 ug/ml. You’re supposed to have between 50 and 150 for it to be truly therapeutic. It had been 47 the last time I had it checked, and that was before I had my dosage increased from 750mg to 1000mg. Now, I’m on 2000mg. The pharmacist had to get out her calculator to see if that much Depakote was healthy for me to have. She did her calculations, and it was fine. I start increasing my dosage tonight. I’m supposed to take 1500mg tonight and tomorrow night, then go up the next night. I dread it because the pills are huge. I can’t imagine having to take 4 of them at one time.

I wonder where The Departed is. It was supposed to come today. According to the site, it left the local UPS place at 6:42 am. It’s 5:05 pm. It should have gotten here already. I wish UPS would be consistent with when they come down here to do deliveries. Sometimes, it’s here before 10:00 am. Sometimes, it doesn’t get here until almost 6:00 pm. I was hoping that it would come while we were at the psychiatrist’s office so that it wouldn’t disturb the dogs. Well, it would disturb them, but they wouldn’t all run to the door, which is what they’re going to do when it comes.

I found out something neat today, I can make money if I refer people to use DreamHost as their host. It’s a really great company. Their support staff is friendly and efficient. Their plans are huge. (I pay $19.95 a month for 453 GB of space, and the space increases by 2 GB every week.) They’re rarely down, and when there is going to be some downtime, they post a note on the status page. I really hope that maybe some of you will choose to change to DreamHost. If you sign up, then you can refer people and make money for yourself.

I got 2 birthday cards today. One from my aunt and the other from my Nana. Each had a $50 check. I’m not sure what to spend the money on yet. I probably shouldn’t buy any CDs since I got like 15 at Christmas (with money I was given) and I haven’t listened to them yet. I want to get the Season 1 DVDs of Criminal Minds. They’re $41 on Amazon.com. I could get something else off my Amazon.com wishlist.

I’m still looking for help for the fansites. Please help out if you like Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Orlando Bloom, Sophia Bush, Shane West, Heath Ledger, Hayden Christensen, Rose McGowan, Holly Marie Combs, Ashlee Simpson, or Jennifer Garner. You don’t have to help out with all of them. I just need some help getting together the content and the photos/screen captures. I’ve done most of the caps that need to be done for the Orlando Bloom site (just have Haven and Dead Man’s Chest to do). I’ve also done a lot of caps for Shane West Online. Please help out in any way that you can.

FPS is 6 years old today. Most people wouldn’t keep a domain for that long, but I plan on having it as long as I can.

4 comments

14
February

Sleep, Interrupted

I find it funny that some people think that learning IP addresses only happens when they leave comments. Anytime anyone makes a rating on this site, their IP address gets logged. I have found 3 people that I assume (because of the timing and the topic) that came from the message board that had all the issues. Their IP addresses have been banned. I won’t usually bad someone for a bad rating, but when they’re giving bad ratings to the Mental Health section, then it’s a big clue that they probably don’t belong on this site.

I had my appointment with my psychologist yesterday. I’m so happy that he takes both Medicare and Medicaid. That means no co-pay. No co-pay means I have more money to use on paying for my psychiatrist appointments, which I have one of those tomorrow.

My psychologist wants me to come back for another appointment next week. He was a bit concerned about my depression and psychosis. He’d never seen me that bad before. He was proud, though, that I can usually reason with myself if I’ve been through a similar psychotic episode. I can’t reason myself with paranoia, though. Oh, and I told him about the counting and the prayer rituals, and he said we’d work on that later. I specifically told him that I did not want to work on it at all. Yes, it is annoying to have to do these different things, but it’s also part of who I am and I’m truly afraid of what might happen if I stop.

I had a little trouble sleeping again, but this time instead of waking up 2 hours early, I woke up about 20 minutes early. I was having trouble staying asleep. And all of a sudden I had this creative burst of energy that I just had to get out. Now that energy has pretty much gone away.

I spent quite a bit of time yesterday setting up a theme preview section. I organized it by what category each theme fell in. Then, I organized it by alphabetical order or by what shows/movies I had done themes of. I also listed the possible themes that I might make later.

I still need help putting together fan sites for: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Orlando Bloom, Sophia Bush, Shane West, Heath Ledger, Hayden Christensen, Rose McGowan, Holly Marie Combs, Ashlee Simpson, and Jennifer Garner. Most of the help that I had recruited had disappeared. I only recently found a comment by someone who said she’d like to help, but I don’t know if that offer still stands. So, if you’re a fan of ANY of those actors/actresses, then please help me out with sites for them.

4 comments

13
February

It’s My Site, Volume 2

I decided in a feat of brillians to rant about a comment from my site on some message boards. Most of the boards had understanding people. One didn’t. On that board, I was attacked for my graphics, my coding, my weight, and my mental illness. I got riled up on there, and there was a lot of posting on my part, I’ll admit. But when I get angry online, I tend to get angry offline. I started having trouble breathing as I was telling my mom about some girl’s ignorant comment about mental illness. It didn’t occur to me until we got inside that my asthma was acting up. Not only were these comments agitating me mentally, they were upsetting my body physically.

Now, I know I’m not brilliant at graphics, but I’m not trying to be the best. I just make graphics that I like and I choose to share them.

As for coding, I don’t use Internet Explorer that often, so the fact that my sidebar is misplaced in IE doesn’t really mean much to me. I think the content of my blog is more important than the sidebar.

As for my weight, in the last 3 (almost 4) years, I’ve lost about 150 pounds. That seems like a big accomplishment. Going from 341.3 pounds to my current weight is a big deal. And making fun of my weight is just shallow. I don’t care that these girls apparently also have weight problems. I don’t think it’s right to mock people because they don’t fit the perfect mold.

And mental health? I should be ashamed of my problems and hide them from anyone reading my blog, according to one person. No one should be ashamed of having a mental illness. If you have one and you blog, don’t be afraid to talk about it. It’s a disease like heart disease and diabetes. People don’t have to hide those, so why hide their mental illness? Don’t hide behind that stupid belief that some people have about mental illness being shameful. And when someone says that you talk about your problems for sympathy, remind them and yourself that you don’t do it for sympathy. You do it for you. Talking about your problems is one of the best ways to confront them and deal with them, even if it is in a blog post.

I have a bone to pick about self-mutilation. Now, I do self-mutilate (wrist-banging & clawing at my skin), but I don’t do it all the time. There is a belief that if you self-injure, you do it for attention. I don’t. Most of the self-injurers I’ve talked to don’t do it for attention either. If I wanted attention for it, I’d try to get attention rather than trying to hide it. When you’ve done it as long as I have, you learn how to not get attention for it.

Now, why am I up at 8:23 in the morning? I woke up at about 6:30 wondering why my alarm hadn’t gone off. It goes off at 7, then I sleep in until 9:50. Well, when I woke up, I didn’t just halfway wake up, I woke up completely. So I decided it was pointless to stay in bed for a few more hours awake. Instead, I’m up posting on here and Celestial.

I password protected the last entry. If you’d like to read it, feel free to ask for the password.

4 comments

11
February

I’m Just a Theme Machine

I added 20 new themes today. Ten are for Heroes (5 for 1.02 and 5 for 1.03) and ten are from Criminal Minds (all from 2.14). I’m trying to make at least 5 themes from each Heroes and Criminal Minds episode. Since I did 10 with Criminal Minds, I’ll probably keep doing that instead of switching numbers around. I need to get my themes to something divisible by 5. Right now there are 47 themes. I’ve thought about getting rid of the two default WP themes, but some people might like them. So I need 3 random people or things to do themes of. If you have any ideas, please feel free to leave them. If I can find any good pictures, I’ll probably do one with Matthew Gray Gubler.

I know I promote Celestial all the time, but I need to promote something related to Celestial now. One of our administrators, Tasha, has written a book. I haven’t read the whole book yet, but, from what I’ve read, it’s good. So please check out Grey Girl: A Memoir of Blackness.

I want to add a photo gallery to this site, but I haven’t set it up yet. I’ve taken a lot of pictures of the “puppies” that I want to share. And it would be nice to have them in a photo album of some sort. It’s too expensive to print them out, so an online photo gallery is the only way to go.

I’ve decided that I’m going to go to Pizza Hut for my birthday. I told my parents that I would pay for it. I invited Marakie and asked her to invite Alice. I wish I could invite all the people from my Social Work classes, but I don’t think I could pay for pizza for 30 people. I know I have to order at least 2 pizzas–one for my dad (whatever he would like on it) and one for me (Sausage and Pineapple). My dad doesn’t like my pizza toppings. Well, he likes sausage, and he may like pineapple off of pizza, but he doesn’t like the combination on a pizza. If you haven’t tried it, it’s really good.

I mentioned that I have to have my themes divisible by 5. That probably sounds weird, and I guess it is. I have to do things in 5′s and numbers divisible by five. I brush my hair 10 times per section. When I go to bed, I take 5 sips of water the first time I’m in the kitchen and 10 times the second time. When I buy stuff (yogurt, apples, cottage cheese), I buy in 5′s. When I was buying clothes for the Salvation Army angel, I bought 5 outfits. I just have to do things in 5′s. I also have other weird qualities about me (special prayers I have to say or I think bad things will happen) that I’ve never really shared on here. I also don’t share them at the psychiatrist’s office. It’s hard to explain, but I don’t want to stop doing things in 5′s or doing the special prayers/rituals/routines because I honestly believe something bad will happen. Anytime I’ve altered my routines, something bad has happened. People have even died after I didn’t do a routine the proper way. I know on some level that their deaths are not my fault, but on another, I believe I’m responsible.

Please send me a Valentine.

4 comments

10
February

Poked and Prodded

As part of my treatment plan, I have to have blood drawn every so often. I had to have regular blood tests done (CBC, CMP, B12, Valproic Acid level, and TSH). Yesterday was my day to do this. I sat in the waiting room for like 45 minutes. It was cold outside, so apparently, I got cold while I was walking in from the car. When I was finally called back, they couldn’t find a vein. This isn’t unusual for me because my veins like to roll. I’ve had people stick me multiple times, and in various places–my arm, the top of my hand, the palm of my hand, and my foot. The first lab person decided she couldn’t do it just by looking at my arms. The second was supposed to be the better one, so she had to do it. (She was also the only person left.) She tried to stick me in my arm, but the vein rolled. She finally hit it as she pulled the needle out. I suggested she use my hands (only the top, the palm thing is a never again experience). She said my hands were too cold and that’s why my blood vessels weren’t showing up, so she handed me a heat pack and I had to sit for about 10 minutes. When she came back to do the bloodwork, she still couldn’t find a vein, so she had to smack my hand a few times. Eventually, a vein popped up and she stuck me. I didn’t bleed much, but apparently she got enough blood for the tests. I’ve uploaded 2 pictures of the bruises on my hand and arm. I hope that they’re good enough quality.

I was going to sign up for a pay per post thing today, but apparently, you have to have more posts in the past 90 days than I’ve had. You also can’t go more than 30 days without posting. I don’t know if that’s in the history of the blog, or if that’s in the past 90 days. I guess I can try to sign up in a few weeks when I’ve had more posts. I really need the money.

I started adding all the associates and affiliate programs that I joined with Shane West Online, so please go visit the places that are up and do some shopping. I REALLY NEED this money. We are really broke right now. I have some money to spend, but I’m the only one. I would be giving this money to my parents.

I’m in the process of working on some new themes for this place. I can’t decide if I’m going to change the default theme once I get them done. So far, I have the coding and layouts done for 10 new Heroes themes and 3 new Criminal Minds themes. I just have to upload them. I don’t know when I’ll be doing that.

Weird. I just tried going to the site of someone who I thought I had a friendly relationship, and it said I was banned. I don’t know what I did to get banned. I was friendly with her most of the time, except when she had a squabble with Tasha on Celestial. That was the only time there were really any cross words between us, and that was a couple of years ago. I was able to visit her site for a long time after that, but now, I guess I’m banned. If I knew how to get in contact with the girl, I’d ask her why.

3 comments

8
February

Coming Soon

I was supposed to go out with Marakie on Saturday, but I cancelled because of my cold.

Yesterday was a psychologically heavy day. I had a couple of suicidal thoughts. Then, last night, I saw people in cars when there were none. I wasn’t paranoid this time, though. I was somehow able to reason with myself that they weren’t real. And I was so worried yesterday that my field instructor would find my blog, even though I have banned the school’s IP from visiting this domain. That’ll keep some people who stay on campus from reading it, but if it means keeping my site secret from that teacher, then I guess that I’ll have to make that sacrifice.

I still have 66,000 comments to go through. I think Akismet is getting some, but it isn’t getting them fast enough.

I wrote an opinionated thing yesterday on the War in Iraq. If you want to check it out, it’s here. I would love to have feedback.

I want to add more opinionated things to the site, but I’m not sure what issues to tackle. So, if you have a suggestion, then please feel free to leave it. I’ll try and come up with an opinion on it. It’s pretty easy for me to come up with opinions for things. I’m thinking about adding some sections related to psychology–one about Tom Cruise and the other about the myth that psychotic people can’t commit crimes efficiently.

Speaking of opinionated stuff, I added some more debate forums to Celestial. I wish I could get that section of the board more active. I’m sure if I could get it more active, then I could have more activity on the rest of the board. Then if there was more activity, there would be more members, and I would no longer have such a quiet board. I’ve decided that not only am I going to advertise anyone who joins the board and makes 25 posts, I will also advertise anyone who plugs the site. You just have to show me where you plugged it. The more times it gets plugged, the longer your banner will be up. I don’t think I can show off statistics since DreamHost doesn’t do cPanel. I can guarantee that there will be a lot of views on here, though, because I seem to get a lot of visitors. They may not comment, but they do visit.

I want to encourage anyone who reads my blog to comment on it. Even if you just read part of it. I like having comments, so I would appreciate any left on my site…as long as they aren’t rude.

My birthday is coming up soon. I want to go to Pizza Hut and eat pizza and play the jukebox. I doubt I’ll get to, though, since my parents don’t have the money to pay for pizza. I guess I could take us out, but I don’t know if they’d agree to it. I want to spend it with my family, but I also want to spend it with my friends. I don’t expect any gifts, but if anyone wants to get me something, then my Amazon wishlist is here. I would promote my Alloy, dELia*s, Hot Topic, and Torrid wishlists, but they’re all completely out of date. I have some of the things on my Amazon wishlist already because I haven’t updated it recently. But I don’t expect anything, so that doesn’t really matter.

3 comments

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