24
January

The Things That Eat Away At Your Soul

I know I haven’t written in a while.  I’m still trying to get everything back up and running.  I finally got The Taboolistings up and running.  I guess it was down long enough that people don’t know that they can go back to applying and such.  I should probably promote it, shouldn’t I?  The only major place I can think of to plug it at is TFL and I’m not really supposed to plug it there.

Nothing much has been happening in my life.  Something major did happen yesterday, though.  We were working in groups in Methods and Ziffany was in my group.  Well, she and I were in Art of Interviewing with each other last semester.  She told me that she got a B, which kind of pissed me off.  We had made pretty much the same score on tests and assignments and she got a B, while I got an F.  How the Hell does that happen?  Either she got the wrong grade, or I did.  She said she’d check and, if the score is still the same, I’m going to my advisor and have a little talk.  I’ll also write that letter that I was supposed to write over winter break.  I’ll send it to my advisor, the head of the department, the Dean of Arts and Science, and the President of the School.  Nothing will probably happen, but at least there will be something that shows what a horrible teacher that woman was.  The more I think of that class, the more I think that that teacher is a racist.  She gave faliing grades (at the end of the semester) to Jenny and me.  She treated us differently in class, like we weren’t good enough or smart enough.  I’m sorry, but when you have a person coming into a class with a 3.9 GPA, then you can pretty much figure out that that person isn’t stupid.

I do know about the themes error.  I think I did something to make it do that.  I wanted to stop the popups and that seems to be the only way to do it.  I think someone screwed around with the code, when my site was being hacked and stuff.

I had to write a paper last week about what writing experience I had.  I only had 2 errors on the whole paper.  They were from my use of slang to describe things, i.e. saying I screwed things up.  Other than that, the teacher said that I had excellent experiences.  I also had one of the longest papers than anyone else in the class.  I had 3 typed pages, while some people had 1 or 2 paragraphs typed or handwritten.  It made me feel like either I was overdoing it, or they were underdoing it.  It kind of sucks that the paper didn’t get a grade.  I think I would have gotten an A on it.  I need to get a good grade in that class.  I need to get good grades in all my classes, or I definitely will lose my scholarship.

As for my scholarship, I said earlier that I get to go to school for free because I’m white.  That’s the simple way of saying that I have a diversity scholarship because I’m in the minority at a black university.  They have to try to diversify the student population, so they reward white students (with good grades) with a diversity scholarship.  Some people get a small scholarship.  I got a free ride scholarship.  That’s why I have to work really hard to keep my grades up.  Otherwise, I can’t go to college.  If I can’t go to college, I can’t become a therapist.  Of course, I still want to be an actress more than I want to be a social worker or a therapist.  I guess I’ll have to figure out a way to work that little kink out.

I’m going to try to write more often this semester, even if it means getting on early in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays to write posts.  I always want to write something, but I’m either too busy or away from the computer.  If I feel like writing while I’m at the dorm, I’ll try to write down my thoughts and post them when I get on the computer again.

I guess I better get back to doing the troubles check on Taboo, since there are so many listings that are either dead links or aren’t following the rules.  Blah.

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12
January

Finding A Way

I have this new celebrity crush on Hayden Christensen. I gave in and watched the Episodes 2 and 3 of Star Wars, even though I truly abhor the series in general. I actually have watched them twice. The first time I saw Ep. 2, it was because my dad wanted to watch it. The second time and the two times I saw 3 were at my request. (The second times were on Tuesday when I took them to my dorm room to watch.) I rented Life as a House, Shattered Glass, and The Virgin Suicides last week. I loved all. (I already knew that I loved The Virgin Suicides.) Now I want to buy them, but I promised my mom I wouldn’t buy them until my birthday. I checked on Amazon.com and they were pretty cheap 6.99-10.99. That just makes me want them more, but I have to learn to control my temptation to buy things.

I started back to school last Friday. So far things aren’t so bad. I dropped Human Behavior II at the suggestion of my advisor and picked up Social Welfare Policy, which is a Senior course instead of a Junior course. (I’m a Junior.) I went to the class yesterday and we were supposed to have an assignment due tomorrow, but the teacher bumped it up since 3 or 4 of us were new to the class. (There are only about 10 of in the class.) So, everything is fine academically speaking.

There is a problem, though. Ever since last Spring, I’ve been having this nagging feeling (which is getting larger by the day) that I don’t want to do Social Work. I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to help people. I still want to help people, but I don’t know if this is the right way to go. I want to be an artist. Not a painter, but a writer, musician, and actress. I know that those are the dreams of a lot of people, but they’re really what I want to be. I can’t change my major, though, because the thing I want to do most (act) isn’t even offered at A&M. I can’t change schools because I can’t afford the tuition at other schools. (I go for free because I’m white.) It’s like I’m stuck.

I talked to my dad about the whole thing, as well as a problem with my precog. dreams and empathic ability to know what’s going on in other places going away. He told me to talk to his best friend, but I don’t know his e-mail address. I’ve never met the guy. (My dad went to college with him, but he lives in Florida.) How do you contact someone you don’t really know and say “I want to be an actress and I want to be able to tell the future again”?

I’m sure about wanting to do the acting thing, but part of me is afraid of the psychic thing. The last true psychic experience I had was at 9/11 and it drained me and made me feel so guilty. How do you know that something is going to happen, but not know when it’ll happen or how to tell someone that it’s happening? If I told anyone that it was going to happen, then it would make me sound like a suspect.

Now I probably truly sound crazy, by talking about the whole psychic thing. Whether you believe in it or not, I know that it happens. I don’t necessarily believe that paid-to-be psychics are legit, but I believe that people can foresee what it going to happen. I know it’s true for me.

Back to the whole school thing. When I stay at the dorm, I eat lunch and breakfast in my room. I was planning on eating dinner, every time I’m there, in the cafeteria. My class on Tuesdays and Thursdays gets out at 5, which means that I have to walk to the cafeteria in the dark. That freaks me out for two reasons. First, I’m afraid of the dark. Childish, I know, but it’s true. The other reason is that I’m afraid to be out alone in the dark in that area of Huntsville. Other students think it’s safe at A&M, but they didn’t grow up in Huntsville. They don’t know that right across the Parkway from A&M is one of the worst neighborhoods in town. I don’t want to be killed or kidnapped or raped. I’ve decided that I’ll eat my dinner in the dorm. That will truly make me the dorm hermit.

Oh, since the fifth birthday of FPS is coming up soon, I was wondering if anyone could help me make layouts for the 5th anniversary. Any that feature Hayden would be much appreciated. :)

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4
January

Okay, I’m writing a lot tonight

I just thought I’d mention that I’m doing something stupid, and I know it’s stupid, but I’m doing it anyway.  You know the 900 calorie diet that has led me to losing 40 pounds?  Well, recently I decided that, due to all of the holiday eating, I would cut down on that diet.  I eat half as much lunch as I had been, which cuts about 150 calories out.  That’s 750, which is still above the anorexia level, so I think that’s okay.

5 comments

4
January

Life sucks

I just e-mailed the Senior Staffers at TFL to pass along my apologies to the staff because I know that I’m being a handful right now and I don’t mean to be.  I’m just bleh.  I wish I could be nicer, but right now I’m having trouble with that sort of thing.

I was going to ask for help naming fanlistings, but now I feel like a bad person for even thinking about asking for help.  This is why I should never ask for help.  Something always makes me feel bad for asking for help.  Also I always feel ashamed.

Can someone just give me a hug or something?

Of course, Dreamhost has given me a bit of a lift because of their increasing my bandwidth and disk space.  I probably won’t ever use it all, but it’s nice to know it’s there.  If you’re looking for a host, Dreamhost is really great, except I don’t quite know how to do some things on it.

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4
January

Now I’m not allowed to complain?

I have two people on LJ telling me basically that I’m not allowed to complain.  One I respect.  She’s someone that I admire and I think she’s very cool.  The other didn’t even have the guts to leave their name or anything.  I hate when people do that.  If I had been on my computer and signed in the way I normally am when I write, then I would have the anonymous feature turned off.  I don’t like anonymous comments.  I also don’t like how it feels that all of the category staffers group together.  I know they probably feel protective of one another and I respect that, but it feels like they gang up on you when you make a single complaint.  And it’s like they weren’t complaining before they became staffers!  Most people have ranted at one point or another about something, and being treated like you don’t have a right to do that because you’re being “hypocritical” or because you’re taking things to seriously isn’t right.  I wasn’t going to anyone else’s journal and telling them what to write.  I don’t do that sort of thing.

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