fuzzypinkslippers.comthe abnormally normal abnormal blog about an abnormally normal abnormal girl

I Thought I Was Alone Here

Published: October 30, 2005 - By: Janet

Here’s a story of a girl that I won’t name. She’s nice and caring and likes me, but I don’t particularly like her. She’s sweet, but it’s kind of like how saccharin is so sweet that it’s too sweet and tastes awful. She values my opinion (too much) and wants to talk to me a lot. She thinks she knows me because my presence reminds her of her old best friend and we both wear glasses (she’s severely visually impaired, though; I’m just myopic with an astigmatism) and draw SSI. She doesn’t really know me, though. One day two people in my Art of Interviewing group were telling me what to do and I snapped, this girl was shocked that I would do that, but tried to calm me down. We rode down the elevator together on Friday and she asked me how I was. I know that the “polite” thing to do when asked that question is to tell the other person that you’re fine, which I’ll normally do, even though I think that that social norm is absolutely asinine. Well, when she asked, I told her I was depressed. She asked me what was making me depressed. I know it’s the normal question to ask, but I hate that question. What makes me depressed? The stupid chemicals in my brain make me depressed. My wonderful genes make me depressed. I’m not depressed for situational reasons. I kind of snapped at her and told her that it was just the stuff in my brain that made me depressed. I’ve already told her I’m Bipolar, so she should have known that I would be prone to bouts of depression. Ugh. I don’t want to hurt her feelings because she’s a really nice girl, but I just get so stressed when I’m around her. I feel like I have to play nice, and I’ve played nice for too long. Sometimes I need to let my inner bitch out.

I may be expressing myself differently shortly. I’m considering getting a makeover–hair, makeup, etc. I want to get it done before Thanksgiving because I want to surprise my family with the way I look. I know that some of them visit my site, so I’m not going to spill what I’m planning on doing. My mother and I are the only ones who know. All my dad knows is that I might be getting a hair cut. That’s all my Nana knows, too.

Speaking of Nana, my mom and I went to visit her yesterday. My mom had to do something down there for Nana. I get so comfortable while I’m there that I don’t want to leave. I never really know what to say to Nana because my mom is like me, she tells her mother almost everything. (We’re all crazy, but we know each other really well.) I also don’t know if I should rant about certain issues because, though I know she’s a Democrat, I don’t know how liberal Nana is. I know that I’m the most liberal person in my immediate family, and I have a feeling that of all of my cousins, aunts, etc., I’m the most liberal. Basically, I know that I’m going to be more liberal, but I don’t know how much. Oh well. Even though I’m not sure what to say, I never like leaving her. Like with my mom, I don’t have to talk to my Nana to communicate with her.

I always feel like I’ve never spent enough time with her. I used to spend every Saturday with her. Then, Granddaddy died and she got really sad and quit coming by very often. She’d come to my birthday parties and occasional little visits, but she didn’t visit as much. After seeing someone so often for so long, it’s hard when you don’t see them much. She started having health problems a few years ago, which basically cancelled out any chances of her visiting every Saturday. Now, she only comes to Huntsville for medical things, and occasionally when someone else brings her for some other reason. I don’t blame her for “not being around”, it just still hurts not seeing her very often. I get to talk to her on the phone a lot, but I hate the phone and talking on it really isn’t the same as seeing her in person. I’m about to cry just typing this up. Anytime I think about it, I start to cry. I’m such a baby, aren’t I?

I’ve been considering going to church. I’m afraid to go, though. I know that if I opened my mouth about anything I believed, they would try to get the demons out of me. Afterall, I’m just a heathen who worships the devil and dances around naked in the forest after sacrificing animals and small children. I want to go to church for a superficial reason. I want to meet people and make friends. I don’t want to go for the religious stuff, because quite frankly unless there is a Gnostic Christian church around, I’m not really going to have beliefs that fit in. The only church that I can really go to is my mother’s church (LDS), which means that I’d be introduced to all those good Mormon boys. If I were to fall in love with and marry one of those boys, we would have serious issues over how our children would be raised. Actually, I’m probably going to have that issue regardless of the religious affiliation of my future husband. I don’t want to raise my kids to be anything. I’m not saying I want them to be Atheist, but if that’s what they feel drawn to, then I don’t want to stand in their way. My parents raised me that way, and, though I ended up believing in one of the rarest/most obscure sects of Christianity, I think it worked really well. Well, there’s a good thing and a bad thing about going to church. The good: I get to buy dresses and skirts; The bad: I’ll have to wear dresses and skirts

Some rude person on the Q&A page who kept saying that I was ugly and a loser said I needed face cleanser. I looked at the pictures on the site to see if I had lots of blackheads or something. I didn’t see any. The only think I could figure was that it was because my skin was shiny. I know that the 7 pictures of me with glasses were taken when I came in from 90+ degree weather, so I was sweaty. The other was taken after I’d come in from getting the camera, so I was probably sweaty there, too. All I know is that my skin is very clean. I wash it and use Noxzema pads. I know my skin is clean and that person is banned.

I also know I’m losing weight. I had had some clues over the past week that I’d lost weight. I had one pair of jeans almost completely come off at school. Then, I had another pair start falling off. Finally, I had a pair that had been tight for a while, that pair was a little loose. Of course, I didn’t know how many pounds that I had lost until I weighed myself yesterday at Nana’s house. I got on the scales and the thing went to 220. I double checked. That was lower than I’d ever been since the surgery, even before I gained weight back. Of course, her scales saying I weigh 220 means I can weigh anywhere from 215-230. I’m hoping it’s 215-220. If I’m actually at 220, then I’ve lost 20 or more pounds since September 25th. If I keep losing at this rate, then I will be at almost 200 by Thanksgiving and 180 by Christmas. Of course, the rate that I’m losing weight will probably get slower.

There was one hallucination during my off-Geodon period that I wanted to write about, but I forgot about it. As I was walking to the dorm one day I saw this guy heading to the Caf. He was walking away and suddenly his head spun around (like from The Exorcist, except none of the grossness). Some people would have freaked out, but I thought it was funny. I had already seen a magic bunny that day, so I already knew I was seeing strange stuff. It was like Janet’s-on-acid Day, but I wasn’t.

You know what’s bad about being someone who sees things? When you see something that no one else looks at, then people think you’re seeing things. I had been on my meds long enough to not be hallucinating, so I knew that the cute little animal I saw was real. No one else looked at it, so when I told my dad that no one else looked at it, he asked me, “Are you sure it’s real?” I’m 100% sure that the animal was real.

Happy Halloween!

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Tags: Family and Friends, Internet Stuff/Rants, Life, Offline Rants, Opinionated, School, Weight Loss

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