Today, Stephanie turned 18. She became an adult, and I realize now that I truly have to let her go. I know, it’s been 5 years, but it doesn’t really dawn on you how long it’s been until you’re hearing that this “little girl” that you’ve missed for so long is now an adult. A few weeks ago I had a dream and she was in it. She told me to let her go. I just wasn’t ready yet. I don’t know when I’ll be completely ready, or if I’ll be completely ready. I just have to do it anyway.
I had therapy today, and it was not pleasant. It would probably be better if I liked my therapist. I’m sure that deep down she’s a good person, but I don’t like her. I don’t think she listens to me. I don’t think she wants to listen to me. She tells me how I need to work on my self-esteem and not live in the past. Both things I should work on, but those aren’t the things I need to talk about. I’ve lived with bad self-esteem for years, and I’ve “lived in the past” for years, too. She also told me that it was okay to live in a fantasy world. What kind of therapist tells their patient that it’s okay for them to live in a fantasy world? No, let me rephrase that. What kind of therapist tells their sometimes delusional patient that it’s okay for them to live in a fantasy world? No, the first question was actually better. It just seems strange to me. I told her I’ve been more paranoid lately, and she just skipped over that. Everytime she brought something up, I changed the subject. I do that a lot in therapy. It helps me avoid actually working on any of my problems. Actually, I don’t think I do it with that purpose. I just skip from topic to topic in my head, so I do it like that in therapy.
She asked me if I have a grudge against my mother because my mom has problems. I almost laughed in her face. I don’t have a problem with my mother over her problems. I explained this to her. Oh, and she always tells me that her mantra is “this too shall pass”, which is a nice mantra and all, but I always want to reply with something sarcastic. That’s a no-no, though, because she thinks sarcasm is one of the seven deadly sins.
At the end of the session, she suggested that I join one of her groups. She didn’t say which group and I didn’t say I would. In fact, I flat out told her no. She said she’d ask again. Everytime she asks, the answer is going to be no. I don’t like group therapy. I don’t want to be in group therapy. Group therapy is not a good thing for me. Besides, what group is she going to put me into if she doesn’t listen to me when it comes to my actual problems? I want a new therapist, but I don’t know if I can ask for a new one. I don’t know how to go about getting a new one. I know I got a new doctor, but I did that by asking my (old) therapist to put me in CC. I can’t really ask my therapist for a new therapist. What would I say? “I’m sorry, but I don’t really like you and I don’t think you have a clue about how to treat me. Can you let another therapist take me on?” A little mean, don’t you think? And that was putting it nicely. *sigh* At least this time she didn’t tell me about God loving me. I can have intellectual discussions with therapists about religion, but I don’t want or need to hear that God loves me in a therapy session. Oh, goodness, I hope bringing up God in this post doesn’t make anyone else come and try to save me.
I’ve been renting movies like crazy lately, thanks to that free rental program at Hollywood Video. My parents know what movies they want to see, but I’ve run out of ones that I remember that I want to see. So, I need to know what movies you would recommend. They can be new releases or old ones. The newer they are, the longer I’ll have to wait to get to see them. So, what movies should I watch? 🙂
Oh, and if you haven’t already, please go join Celestial. We’re not as active as a lot of boards, but we’re really nice and welcoming towards new people. We have a lot of people join and never post, which kind of sucks, but is to be expected.