Do you ever think that you’re a project, a book, or a movie that someone is working on? Your life isn’t really your own, but is something that someone else has put together. Your thoughts, your words were all predetermined and nothing is original. That’s how I feel all the time. I don’t feel like I control my life at all.
Then, there are people like Alan who make me feel more like a different kind of project. People who choose to preach at me, instead of listening to me. I know I’m a “heathen”, a “heretic”, a “pagan”, etc. These terms are supposed to upset me, if any part of me is Christian. The thing is that they don’t. They haven’t in a long time. Implying that I’ll go to Hell will upset me, but calling me a religious name doesn’t really upset me anymore. My mom and I joke about the names. She calls me her little “neo-pagan”. I do get frustrated when people don’t accept that my version of Christianity is still Christianity. There are different versions, unlike what Alan said. There are Catholics, Protestants (multiple versions falling under one category), Mormons, Orthodox, etc. Everyone is inspired by something different, and feels the need to base their religion on that. What we all have in common is the belief in Jesus.
He made me feel like the kind of project where he’s supposed to “save me” from the Hell fires that I’ve chosen to live in. He chose some girl who’d “fallen off the path of righteousness” and tried to bring her back into the light. Many have tried this. Many who are probably more qualified than he is. No one seems to win this battle to save my soul. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe my soul needs saving and I express that to whoever is “fighting for me”.
Why do people choose to fight these battles to save souls that don’t need saving? Why can’t they accept that some people just have a different take on the whole religion thing? Why can’t they see that there is more than one path to God or enlightenment or whatever you believe in?
Whoever is writing my life out needs to stop writing the same type of characters into my life. I’m getting bored with tired men and shrill women who are fighting with me. I used to seek them out. I used to go to boards to be the most controversial person there. I used to like this kind of thing. Now, it’s just tiresome.
I want to be able to freely follow my beliefs. I want to be able to accept this one part of myself that I understand and that fascinates me. I want the war to end.