When She Was Bad 10

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Why did Sandra Day O’Connor have to resign today? Does she know what evil she has put into place? We’re going to end up with some ultra-conservative man filling her place, and our rights are going to slowly be taken away. Ugh. I was expecting Rehnquist to step down, but O’Connor? No. That’s not good. I wouldn’t be too upset if O’Connor was replaced with a moderate woman. I’d be overjoyed if she was replaced by a liberal. I know the latter isn’t going to happen, and the likelihood that the former would happen is very slim.

I’m happy to hear that Brooke Shields is standing up for herself against Tom Cruise’s ridiculous statements. I just wish other mentally ill celebrities would stand up to his ignorance. More people need to put him in his place and explain to him how these horrible drugs actually help. He wants to hate psychiatry, but what he’s doing is exuding hate towards all mentally ill people. You know, I would hate to be a mentally ill Scientologist. I think that person would be extremely conflicted.

Well, my dad finally told me what my mental void probably was. He said it was probably just more of the depression. Oooh, yay! 😡 Why does my nearly catatonic state where I feel nothing and barely function have to be a part of my depression? Why can’t it just be somewhere in between the mania and the depression? That would make me feel better. It would make my void seem like a normal state, when I know it’s anything but.

I think I may need a sponsor. I realized the other day that I was taking Tylenol too regularly. It’s not that I don’t hurt, but I can’t say that I’m hurting more than usual. The Tylenol isn’t helping. When I try not to take it, I have panic attacks and have to rush and take it. Why do I have to be one of the only people in the world to have a habitual problem with Tylenol? It’s one of the few addictions where people actually laugh at you when you tell them you have it. Just because it’s not supposed to be a habit-forming drug doesn’t mean that you can’t have a habitual problem with taking it. 😡

I also need another sponsor. This time for shopping. I have a bit of an impulse control problem when it comes to shopping. Whenever I have money or money in the bank, I spend it like crazy. In the past week, I’ve gotten a special service at Hollywood Video to get free movies, The Prince and Me DVD, The Prince and Me Soundtrack, Charmed: Book of Shadows Soundtrack, Hoobastank: The Reason, Rob Thomas: Something to Be, The Princess Diaries DVD, Bound by Honor by Bill Bonanno, Mafia Marriage by Rosalie Bonanno, An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison, and No Doubt: The Singles CD. I’ve also pre-ordered Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by JK Rowling and rented quite a few movies (before I purchased the service). If my mother hadn’t been with me when I made most of those purchases, I would have bought more things. I would have spent all of the money I have in the bank. So, I may be surrendering my checkcard and some cash over to my mother. Actually, I think I’ll keep the cash, so that if I find some movies at Hollywood Video that I like, I can buy them on sale. But I will try to stick to only the movies I really like.

Why can’t I be normal in some aspect of my life? Everything always seems to be messed up about me. I thought I could handle my own money and my addiction, but I know deep down that I can’t. What happens when I’m a “grown up” (yes, I realize I’m 21) and I’m supposed to take care of my own money? Will I be able to control myself? What happens when I get stressed and feel pain for months on end? Will I take Tylenol for a little while or will I take it until I get into the habit of taking it?

Maybe I am just a drama queen. Maybe everything will be fine. Maybe I should just marry a rich guy or a prince. No, first I’d have to actually go on a date with a guy, then I’d have to kiss a guy. These are things I’m not quite sure I can do. Again, I’m not normal. Girls who are 21 should have already been on a date, had a real boyfriend or girlfriend, and kissed a guy or a girlfriend. I used to blame it on my weight, which I’m sure played a part. Then, I blamed it on going to school with guys who thought of me as their sister, which I’m sure played a part. After that, I just stopped trying to impress guys. When I’d develop a crush, I’d convince myself the guy either wouldn’t want me or that I really didn’t want him, which often proved to be the case. For example, when I was at Calhoun, there was this really cute guy in my ethics class that I thought I might like, but I knew there was something I couldn’t trust about him. He played the nice guy for a while. One day he opened his mouth and out came the anti-everything I believe in rhetoric, thus I no longer liked him. I strongly disliked him. I’ve had a crush on a guy at A&M, which I was shocked about because I’ve never liked black guys before. Anyway, the guy did something that I didn’t think was appropriate, so there went that crush. I can’t strongly dislike him, though, because he became a pretty good friend. Honestly, I still have a crush on him. I have a crush on him despite the fact that he did something that made me upset.

Why does life have to be so confusing? Why can’t I just wake up one day and everything will be okay? Why can’t magic and fairy tales exist? What happened to miracles? Why can’t I just have everything I want? Or better yet…why can’t life be fair?

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

10 thoughts on “When She Was Bad

  • Ashley

    Tom Cruise needs a swift kick, right in the ass. He’s so arrogant and I can’t stand him. I was proud of Brooke for taking a stand against him aswell, I couldn’t believe the words that he was spitting out of his mouth.

    I’m REALLY bad with money too. I need to learn to stay the hell away from stores. I spend way too much on unesessary things.

  • jen

    sponsor… yes that would be helpful. you don’t have one? did you attend NA at some point? I’m working in an addictions recovery facilitiy right now, so i’m a bit up to snuff one what you’re talking about. you’re going to be a perfect social worker b/c you’ve been through all the issues. that’s great empathy that you can have.

  • pia

    Life’s confusing, never fair, and you have more than your share of problems.

    But you’re smart, only 21 which really isn’t adult and hasn’t been for sometime.

    You are lucky in some big ways. the world’s a bit more enlightened than it was when I was your age.

    Blogging works wonders and miracles. Don’t know why; just does.

  • Alecia

    Life isn’t fair, isn’t clear, isn’t a lot of things, but I realized that you do have to appreciate what you have right in front of you before it’s too late.

    I agree with Pia – you are so smart, mature and amazing for a 21 year old. You really have to consider that as a blessing. Some people (I swear) are born with just being naive, or don’t have social smarts / street smarts.

    I think it’s better to be a Drama Queen, then to be dull, boring and lifeless 😉

  • Janet
    Post author

    No, I’ve never attended NA. No one has ever taken my addiction seriously since it’s “just Tylenol”, which is non-habit-forming.

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