I had therapy yesterday, and it wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience. I smiled and played along, but my therapist was quite annoying yesterday. First, I told her that people watch me, which one would assume a Comprehensive Care therapist would recognize as paranoia. She started telling me, “Who cares what other people are doing? Who cares if they look?” I stopped her and rephrased the statement. I basically said, “People who aren’t really there watch me.” She then asked me (after telling me to talk to my pdoc about the paranoia ’cause she can’t do anything for it) if I knew what was behind this. I said, “It’s because I’m crazy.” She said, “No, you’re not crazy. It’s just part of your disease.” Look, I know that therapists aren’t usually inclined to calling patients crazy to their faces and try to keep them from calling themselves crazy, but she restated what I had just said in a more politically correct phrasing. She also wouldn’t let me call myself a bad person. She didn’t even ask me why I thought I was a bad, evil person. She just went into that whole “You’re a good person with a good heart and you’re so smart” thing that some therapists like to go into rather than listening to me talk about WHY I’m so evil and why I think I’m being punished for being bad/evil. That annoyed me. Another thing that annoyed me, was when I made a comment that was sarcastic and she told me not to be sarcastic. I looked at her and said, “My mother is sarcastic. My father is sarcastic. I’m going to be sarcastic.” She said something about how I didn’t have to be like them and that I could be my own person and be who I am. (I didn’t tell her that I don’t know who I am.) But the real kicker of the whole therapy session was when she suggested that I might want to move out of my house. I told her, “I’m not moving out. It’s my house.” She didn’t understand and asked me to explain, so I told her that the deed is in my name. She said that since my parents pay the mortgage that it’s their house and will be their house once they finish paying for it. Actually, it will be MY house until they decide that they want me to sign it back over to them. I was a good girl and didn’t argue this with her, though I was very tempted to. I was also tempted to take my shoes off and throw them at her, but she was too close and my mom was sitting in the chair next to me. At the end of my session, Gulshan said people either loved her or hated her. Well, I don’t hate anyone, but I certainly don’t love her.
Yes, my mother was in therapy with me yesterday. Why? Well, on Sunday, I got really bad again and was very depressed and anxious. I was ready to quit taking all of my psych meds because I didn’t think they were working. Klonopin isn’t easing my anxiety unless I take a double dose. Effexor isn’t ending the depression. Geodon isn’t stopping my paranoia and I have to take it near the time I take Klonopin if I want it to knock me out. Lamictal doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all. I did calm down and decide I would continue taking my medicines, but I was a bit touch and go for a while on Sunday. So, my mother went back to make sure I talked about these things with Gulshan. I didn’t tell Gulshan that I wanted to stop taking my meds, though. My mom was also back there to remind me to tell Gulshan that I was nervous about the whole disability thing, but Gulshan just glossed over that.
Michael Jackson was found not guilty. Good. I didn’t think he was guilty and I didn’t think the prosecution had a good enough case. They were depending on the testimony of a family of con artists. You can only cry wolf so many times before people stop believing you. I know some people think that Michael Jackson got off because he was a celebrity, but I don’t think that’s true from the things the jury members have said. Some say that it’s because he has money, which, in a way, is true. He could hire high quality attorneys who would actually fight to keep him out of jail. Yes, you can get high quality attorneys that are cheaper, but he had money so he went for the higher costing high quality people. And some people think he has to be a child molester because he’s different. A person can be strange or different and NOT be some kind of criminal. Besides, not all child molesters seem different. Perfectly “normal” people can be child molesters.
Oh, and one thing I didn’t understand about the people waiting outside the courthouse awaiting the verdict was that there was a sign that said something like “Jesus Lives. REPENT!” What the Hell was that for? Who’s supposed to do the repenting? Michael Jackson? The accuser? The attorneys? The judge? The fans? America in general? Who is supposed to repent? I also didn’t understand the fan who was releasing the doves. That seemed a bit over the top, but it definitely didn’t seem as apocalyptic and judgmental as the other person’s display.
Oh, I’ve revamped Taboo and I’ve hired new staff members. I’m hoping that by doing this things will run more smoothly. Now I need to go back to my neglected icon challenges and work on them, but I’m too tired to do that.